Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. If I did, Darren's curliness would never have been smothered with so much gel.
Blaine lay on his bed, arm stretched upwards, curling towards head and brushing his curls, fresh from the shower. He sang along with the music he'd set on repeat in iTunes.
It's euphoria, it's anger, it's the winter wind, it's fire
And it kills my deepest hunger as it fills me with desire
He loved this musical. The music had been circling through his brain for the last few months, almost continually the last few weeks. The recurrence of the music had even approached an incessant degree a day or two ago, and it was feeling like that might happen again. That day, it had been from later in the second act:
I am old as time and forever young, I am every song that will stay unsung
I'll find you, remind you
Until you name me, you can't tame me…
He thought over what he would say if anyone called tonight to invite him out. He figured the old standby would work as well as ever; not tonight, I'm tired. It was true enough. He was tired; this tiredness that seemed to seep out of every deep place inside him. A thought crossed his mind: what would he say if he were actually really honest? It seemed reasonable to at least be honest with himself even if he wasn't inclined to be so with anyone else. His depression was worse these past few days. That was the real story. It wasn't like he was that bad off; he'd felt so much worse in the past. He had a reasonable calibration in place, and had realized some patterns over the past year since starting taking anti-depressants in a low dose. Most of the time, he felt so much better than he had before. Practically normal, like he could live his life the way others did. But sometimes there were a few days where things dipped downwards again. Usually there was a trigger. This time it was the Kurt situation, just the way he hadn't picked up his phone a few times in a row. Likely enough later tonight or tomorrow Kurt would call or pick up or text, and all would be more or less well, though the whole long-distance thing was really a constant source of stress. But for the moment, the stress of the election and the lack of Kurt's voice to center him again was letting things stray worse again in his mind.
Over time, Blaine had come up with several coping methods for waiting out these periods. He sometimes ignored it, going on with his daily activities, and sometimes that worked well. This time, though, there was a need for an outlet, or at least an acknowledgement, a way to voice (even indirectly) this weariness and loneliness and aching inside of him.
Hence, Next to Normal.
The emotions in this musical were so intense. In the lyrics, in the music, it all had such an effect when experienced. He'd seen a local (well, a couple hours away local) production last summer with Kurt, and loved it. He loved it, but he also didn't listen to it when he was happy and wanted to stay that way. But in times like these, when things were…not so great, it was perfect.
I am old as time and forever young, I am every song that will stay unsung
I'll find you, remind you
Until you name me, you can't tame me…
Did he have to name this…thing, this feeling, this effect, for it to be "tamed"? Well then. Depression. Depression. It seemed a terrible thing to say, even silently inside his mind. He knew it was nothing to be ashamed of. He knew there was a really large part of the population that struggled with the same thing. But it felt like something to be ashamed of. He'd never admitted it to anyone, though he'd hinted to Kurt until he thought he got the idea.
It's euphoria, it's anger, it's the winter wind, it's fire
And it kills my deepest hunger as it fills me with desire
Natalie from the musical sang those lines; her voice on the cast album was so raw and intense in that part. The girl was out in a club of some sort at this point in the musical, drinking and doing drugs to drown the pain in her life caused by her mother's mental illness. Blaine didn't know if the lyrics quite made sense to him. But the words and music meant something intense to him. Anger. He prided himself on keeping his temper, on being different than his father in that way. But sometimes he wondered whether he really did bottle up a bunch of anger inside himself. The winter wind, fire…these extremes. Sometimes life held such joy, and sometimes…sometimes it felt like this. Sometimes this feeling felt like a burning and a freezing at the same time. A burning in his heart and a numbness in his mind. A dearth of longing and yet a knowing that something's missing. It can be so hard to put words to these feelings, these sensations. This is why he loves this musical.
The sensation that you're screaming, but you never make a sound.
Or the feeling that you're falling, but you never hit the ground.
It just keeps on rushing at you day by day by day by day.
You don't know, you don't know what it's like to live that way.
Like a refugee, a fugitive, forever on the run.
If it gets me it will kill me, but I don't know what I've done.
Yes, yes, yes. The words don't seem exactly right but they're so much closer than nearly anything else. And the emotion in this song stirs something in him, something that he feels needs to be stirred up although it feels a little scary to have that strong of an emotion going on. He avoids anger, and also any other strong "negative" emotion…sometimes even avoiding the strongest good emotions…well, not avoiding, but there's a sense of not wanting to get too comfortable, not wanting to get lost in the joy and not realize that it's probably a temporary feeling. He doesn't want to crash back to reality too hard.
Can I hide my stupid hunger, fake some confidence and cheer?
Wish I were here…
Sometimes that's how it felt. He wished he were here.
He rolled over, turned up the volume, and hid his face from the light. Things would look brighter in the morning, he knew, but he needed this time in order to get there.
The tracks progressed, coming to the lines he hoped would get him through another day, another week.
I don't need a life that's normal; that's way too far away. But something next to normal would be okay. Yeah, something next to normal, that's the thing I'd like to try. Close enough to normal to get by..