I would never admit it to Castle, but I smiled when I saw his name on the caller ID. I needed a break from the tedium of writing reports.

That's not right. My shrink told me that if I am not completely honest with myself in this journal, it will never do me any good. Fine. Here goes.

I had been looking at his empty chair, wishing he was there. I missed him. Damn it.

As he told me about his day with his mother, I couldn't hold back the smile. I know how crazy she can make him and the thought of him, sitting there while she argued with the bank manager, made me laugh. When he told me that he thought the bank was about to be robbed… I thought he was kidding. I rolled my eyes and basically told him he was full of it. And then it happened.

When I realized that he was truly in danger… I felt like my heart stopped. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't breathe. All I could think was that I had to get him out of there. He had to be OK.

The hours while he was being held inside that bank are a blur. I remember being incredibly proud when he managed to send us his Morse code message. I remember the look in his eyes as we worked together to get the "epileptic" out of there. As our eyes were locked, I just kept hearing his words as he bent over me in the cemetery. I wanted to tell him that I knew. I wanted to tell him that I felt it too. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hug him tight. Instead I did my damn job. I did my job and I left him there. My heart was in my throat as I walked out that door. I had confidence that he would keep control of the situation, but my mind kept picturing the worst.

And then I read the note. Everything after that is a faster blur, with brief flashes of detail.

I do remember that when Trapper John held the gun to his throat… my hands are shaking now just remembering. I meant every word I said. I would have not rested until I gunned him down. Shit.

I remember the blast vividly. The whole world seemed to freeze for a second and then move in slow motion. I felt like I was sleep walking in some crazy nightmare. I stormed in the door with the rest of the team, frantically screaming his name. All pretense of cool cop went out the window as I stumbled over rubble to search for him.

When I heard his voice… I don't remember running to the gate. I don't remember getting inside. I remember seeing his face and feeling my heart almost pounding out of my chest. All I wanted to do was climb over him and kiss him. Really kiss him. I had to touch him, so I settled for his jacket. He was so warm under my fingers.

"How are you?" Not, "Thank God you're OK." Not, "I couldn't have gone on without you." Not, "I love you." I said, "How are you?"

What is wrong with me? Even after everything we have been through, even after all the times we have cheated death… why can't I tell him how I feel?

I watched him hug his family and wanted so much to be a part of it. They have everything I have ever wanted. The warmth and the love is infectious. I watched him stroke his daughter's hair and wished he was doing the same to mine. I wanted to rush over to them and wrap my arms around them all. I wanted to lose myself in the love and never come out. I wanted to kiss Castle and tell him that I could not have gone on if I had lost him. I wanted to tell him that he mattered more to me than anything else. I wanted to tell him that I longed for him, that I ached to be near him.

Instead, I walked away to see what Ryan and Esposito had discovered.

I watched Castle carefully for the rest of the day, looking for any sign that he was not dealing as well with everything as he pretended to be. I saw flashes. Flashes of something in his eyes. Fear? Worry? He would notice me watching him and put on a brave face, smiling and returning to the task at hand… protecting a scared woman and her child.

When we got word that our killer was in custody and everyone was safe, I momentarily forgot my own insecurities and emotional instability to breathe a sigh of relief. I was very proud, at that moment, of my team and the work we do. For once, we had saved a life instead of only tracking down a criminal who had taken life. It was gratifying. I felt alive. I felt excited.

I looked over at Castle and I wanted to hug him. I almost did. I looked at him and knew that I needed to share this with him. I, selfishly, I suppose, didn't want him to go home to his family. I wanted him to stay. Stay for tonight. Hell, stay forever.

Naturally, instead of asking him to come home with me, I asked him to have a drink… at his own bar. Way to go, Kate. When he offered his alternative, how could I refuse?

Castle insisted on coming with me to my apartment so I could get changed. I pretended to argue, but the truth is that I didn't want him out of my sight. Not for a minute. As we drove, my mind was reeling. It was as though everything I had been denying about myself and my feelings for Castle was suddenly so… undeniable. I wanted to tell him. The words kept running through my mind. Over and over, I thought, I love you. I felt the words on my lips. I took a breath to say it at least a dozen times, but didn't. Instead, as he looked in my direction, waiting for me to speak my mind, I smiled weakly and quickly looked away.

What is wrong with me?

I cleaned up and changed as quickly as I could because I knew that Martha and Alexis were waiting for us. I would never admit it anywhere but here, but I did linger in the shower a little longer than necessary, daydreaming about Castle waiting on the other side of the door. My imagination was working overtime, imagining him, going crazy with desire, sneaking into the bathroom and climbing into the shower behind me.

Let's just say it was distracting.

I like to think that when I came out to the living room, thoughtfully dressed and coiffed to look perfectly casual, that Castle took a long, appreciative look.

"Sorry that took so long." I said with a forced "carefree" smile, loving his attention. "Ready?"

As we walked to the door, he placed his hand on my lower back and I sighed. It felt so good. His hand was strong and so warm. I felt his warmth radiating out from the place where his fingertips touched me, making me shiver with pleasure. God, I love the way he makes me feel.

I pretended to be cold and grabbed a sweater from the rack by the door. Damn it, I am a chicken. What is wrong with me?

Anyway, the evening at the Castle home was perfect. The food, while excessive, was wonderful. It was so comforting after the roller coaster of a day we had all spent. I looked around the table and was overcome with how much I care for everyone seated there.

Alexis is my fantasy daughter. I love when Castle talks to me about their conversations and their problems. I am sure she doesn't know how much we discuss her and I know she has no idea how much she means to me. There have been times I have thought about what it would be like… to be a family. Her family.

Martha. How do I describe Martha? She is loud and flamboyant and fabulous and kind and loving and supportive. She is so unlike and so like my own mother in so many ways, and she has become the mother that I need desperately. I can't believe how emotional I am as I think about her. I have come to need her as much as I need… Castle.

Oh, Castle. I need Castle. Sometimes he is so annoying. He can be infuriating. And then he can be so like his mother, and his daughter. Brilliant, caring, thoughtful, compassionate. He is a great father; a great man. He is everything I never thought I needed in a partner. He is the perfect friend, knowing when to push and when to step back. He is my best friend. He is the person I cannot imagine my life without. I looked over at him and he gave me a genuine smile and placed his hand over mine. The lump that arose in my throat almost prevented me from speaking as I excused myself.

I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I wiped away the few tears that had escaped on my way up the stairs. I stood there, breathing deeply and thinking about the day. Two of the three people downstairs almost died today. Two of those three people I love were almost taken from me.

I write that word so easily. Love. Why can't I say it?

I felt his presence behind me before I looked up and saw him in the mirror.

"Are you OK?" he asked, emotion naked in his eyes. He placed a hand on my shoulder and, this time, I know he felt the shiver.

I turned to look at him, so desperate to say what I was feeling, but I couldn't. I was so frustrated that I started to cry again very quietly. He didn't say anything. He just took a step forward and wrapped his arms around me. I melted against him and held him close against me. I will never forget the feeling of his lips against my forehead as he kissed it then pressed his cheek in the spot. We stayed there for a long time, swaying on the spot, until Martha's voice came up the stairs, telling us dessert was ready.

"Is she serious?" I asked. I was so full I thought I might explode.

Castle tipped my chin up so he could look into my eyes. I thought he was going to kiss me. Actually I hoped so, but he didn't. Instead he placed his hand flat against my cheek. I closed my eyes and loved the feel of his thumb making tiny circles on my skin. It felt so good. It felt right.

I slowly opened my eyes and press a very gently kiss to his lips. When I pulled away from him, he touched my arm, softly asking me to stay where I was. The look in his eyes was startling. They were so full of emotion and longing. I don't remember anything but those eyes and then the feel of his mouth on mine again. His kiss was soft and slow but so wrought with emotion that I felt my kneed giving way beneath me. His arms wrapped around my waist got tighter as he felt me waiver.

When he released me, he kept his hands on my hips for a moment before stepping back.

"Castle…" I began, not sure what I was going to say. I wanted to kiss him again… a lot, but I was also terrified of how I was feeling. It could have so easily spiraled out of control.

He silenced me with a finger placed against my lips. I met his eyes. He was smiling widely. He brushed the finger across my lips very lightly, making my heart beat even faster than it already was. He pressed his forehead to mine and whispered, "Come on. Dessert is waiting."

I'm so afraid as I sit here thinking about that time together in his guest bathroom. Terrified. I'm terrified of where this could lead. I'm terrified that we will both be too scared to see where it could lead. When we said good night, he kissed my cheek and looked deeply into my eyes. I know he wanted to say something more, but he held back. I held his hand until the elevator doors opened. I wanted to say more, but held back.

There I was, after a wonderful evening with the man I love and his family, whom I love, and I couldn't say it… What is wrong with me?

The shrink says this journal will help. So far all it does is make me relive my moments of weakness and my fears. It makes the wounds a little more… raw. I don't see how reliving everything so vividly is going to help, but he's the professional. I'll give it a chance because I want to get better. I want to move on from this place in my life. I want to be able to give myself over to him… to love him without reserve. I want to let myself be happy. He could make me so happy. He does make me happy… as much as I can allow. I want to know what it is to love completely. I want to be the person he deserves.

So I'll give the shrink a chance to fix me. I want to get better.