~The Unanswerable Questions~
Every once in a while, Kazuya would muse on how fate was a funny thing. If fate could be blamed for such things, of course - perhaps it was something romantic like fate, destiny, that kind of thing... or maybe it was just coincidence or dumb luck, if one was to look on things in a positive light at all. On the other hand... coincidence was coincidence, but surely there were many other people he could have encountered? Looking at it like that made Kazuya think that fate could be a real bitch sometimes.
Seirei seemed so far away. Seirei was so far away, in many ways; it had been years since they'd all left, so many years within which life had dealt to them all what it had, taking them off on their various paths. Kazuya had long since lost contact with a lot of them, but most of what he'd last heard didn't seem unexpected. Takumu was still a model of reasonable popularity for various magazines and advertising companies, now thinking of branching out into acting. Tatsuya had last been heard of continuing on with his martial arts on one hand while merging his father's company on the other - what was that other company, again? Haninosomething, Kazuya couldn't remember offhand. Keigo had last been seen moving in with that Jinguuji after what happened to Nishimura back in the day. Kazuya couldn't really remember much else. Onodera was an office lady, wasn't she? That friend of hers wrote cookery books. Aiming high or aiming low, most of them seemed to have reached some degree of happiness.
Kazuya kept his eye on the road as he drove. The road itself was reasonably empty, but that was England for you. Streetlamps flickered in and out of his overhead vision as he carried on along the long road. Occasionally he'd pass some kind of vehicle or another, but those were few and far between. He glanced down to the clock on the dashboard - two thirty in the morning? He made a noise of amusement, supposing that that explained the state of the roads (or lack of).
"Better enjoy it while it lasts," he thought to himself. "Gonna be missing this once I hit London..."
Even as he drew closer to his destination, Kazuya wasn't entirely sure why he was going there. He had business in the country of course, he wouldn't have flown to England on any random whim - his photography took him all manner of places these days - but for once, his goal wasn't anywhere near that sprawling capital city. So why go there? There wasn't any reason for it.
Well. There was one reason.
They'd been slightly surprised once word had got out that Yoshikuni had upped and moved to England. None of them had heard from him in a good year or so beforehand, so to hear from him at all was surprising... and to have gone to some far-off country like that...? Still, it wasn't like he lacked any of the linguistic skills. If anybody was going to make it in a foreign country, Yoshikuni was.
Even now, Kazuya wasn't entirely sure what exactly it was that Yoshikuni did. Something to do with the government or politics or... something. Those things had never been Kazuya's strong point and he supposed that it didn't really matter in the first place. If they ever met under any official excuse then it might have mattered, but these visits were purely social, if 'social' was the right word for it.
They never met by day. It wasn't anything they ever planned or had happen on purpose, it just turned out that it always seemed to be night whenever Kazuya drew into the island's capital city. Night was better, though. Even though no city could be said to hold a stillness at any time of day or night, there was just something about the dark sky that seemed... fitting, somehow. Kazuya would never have questioned visiting Yoshikuni but couldn't deny that visiting him was something like making a kind of journey to the past, almost. It wasn't that Kazuya didn't like reminiscing on their days at Seirei (not that he'd ever thought that Yoshikuni would have been a person he'd have reminisced with), just that... with Yoshikuni, it seemed to be nothing else. As much as he'd come forward, his mind seemed trapped in a place that was 'before', sealed in a bubble that played memory on loop.
At least, that was how it seemed. Perhaps, Kazuya reckoned, Yoshikuni was only like that with him... perhaps he was nice and genial enough to the people of his day-to-day situation, perhaps it was only when somebody really reminded him that he'd get... well, like that...
Some people hated traffic but Kazuya couldn't help but feel a slight buzz of exhilaration as he got caught in it. Not least because being stuck in the traffic meant that he was approaching his destination... from the empty roads and lonely streetlights, he was finally approaching life and civilization. Light was beginning to streak the sky. That didn't matter. Whatever time he got there, it didn't matter - time was just an indication of things to Kazuya, not any kind of dictating force. If he got there at six in the morning or six in the evening, Yoshikuni would still be there. Yoshikuni would still be there waiting for him, practically standing by the door in anticipation for his arrival.
It did all seem rather ironic, though... when you considered it against what their life had been like during school, in any case. Back then, to one degree or another, they'd all been under Yoshikuni's thumb, hadn't they? Some more than others. Kazuya and Tatsuya, they'd been the two most likely to flaunt Yoshikuni's many and insistent rules and regulations... Keigo had always followed Yoshikuni's rule perfectly and Takumu... well, he'd had his reasons. Still, even for those who would play around and toe the line, Kazuya knew that he and Tatsuya were more likely to follow a rule than to break it, and it had always been a lot of fun teasing other students who risked getting themselves into trouble, telling them how angry Yoshikuni would be... the four of them had all been his followers really, hadn't they? To one degree or another, but still united under the same leader. He'd been their leader. That kind of thing of course changed once they left Seirei, all of them taking hold of their own situations and futures... and yet, to say that, Kazuya still came running whenever Yoshikuni beckoned for it. If it was something Yoshikuni wanted or asked for then it had to be done, there was simply no question nor argument on it. Not even mentally. Not one part of Kazuya expressed irritation or displeasure for having to go all the way to London when he really otherwise didn't have to, not one part of him felt angry or downtrodden for obeying Yoshikuni's every request, still... with a smile, Kazuya supposed that they were now set like this. It'd been so long following the same old routine, it probably wouldn't change, not now.
He supposed he'd miss it if it did.
Some things just didn't change, though. London always seemed to be about the same, busy and bustling with that certain sense of atmosphere that just was... the waterfront apartment buildings where Yoshikuni lived were always the same, tall and imposing but sleek and sexy all at once... Yoshikuni's own apartment was always the same, so neat and tidy - always so neat and tidy - that it was almost hard to believe that anybody actually lived there... there were various possessions strewn around the house, but they seemed to be so neatly and perfectly positioned. A vase here, a painting here... Kazuya's own apartment back in Japan was reasonably tidy but still had things everywhere, he couldn't seem to help it. He wasn't sure how Yoshikuni managed it, supposing it wasn't really a conscious thing that you could ask about. Perhaps his family kept things back in Japan for him. It wasn't something that bothered Kazuya for long enough to enquire.
Yoshikuni didn't really change either. On inviting Kazuya in (from where he had been waiting by the door for Kazuya to appear), the two of them would go to the front room. Yoshikuni would offer him tea. He'd accept it. Yoshikuni would speak quietly and still have that exhausted kind of body language, still after all this time... didn't anybody else notice? Didn't he ever get sick of it? Still, if he had got sick of it - whatever 'it' was - then that would have been a long time ago and presumably he hadn't found any way to counter this. Perhaps, like the bubble of the past, it was a kind of exhaustion Yoshikuni only developed for being near Kazuya. Kazuya didn't know how Yoshikuni reacted around other people, after all. Perhaps he could afford to be more guarded with those people, with his day-to-day life, his official capacities... only with somebody who really knew was he able to relax, perhaps. Or maybe everybody just accepted him as being generally apathetic and lethargic, Kazuya supposed he had no real way of knowing. Maybe, rather than that, this was his kind of... indulgence, perhaps. Maybe none of it was anything that concerned Yoshikuni nearly half as much as it seemed to, perhaps he just liked to play the part in certain company. People had many different sides to them, didn't they?... Still... Kazuya wondered...
He really didn't change, though. At least not in this situation. Kazuya remembered the third year above him graduating, that day when their Council had been broken and Yoshikuni, Keigo and Tatsuya had left them... the end of that last day, Kazuya remembered it vividly. Even then, Yoshikuni had seemed exhausted by it all - and after the events of his second year, Yoshikuni's third year... Kazuya supposed that he couldn't blame him. They'd gathered on the rooftop and looked out over Seirei Gakuen's campus. The five of them had been silent for a long time, even Tatsuya... and yet it hadn't occurred to any of them to say anything. Speeches had been handled in their official capacity - Yoshikuni giving the somewhat heartfelt and yet undoubtedly stilted formal words expected of him as the leader of the Student Council... each of the members had said something, either their farewell or their plans for the next school year. That Aihara from the then-first year made his first speech, too. The Council was decided by vote, but Yoshikuni had specifically chosen him. Nobody questioned that. Still, on the roof... the last moments of the final afternoon of their last day spent together like that... Yoshikuni had stood on the edge, near the railings. Kazuya remembered dearly wishing he'd had the quick thinking to take a photograph of that moment and yet still had a niggling feeling in his mind that such a picture might have been intruding on the intimacy of that silence too much to be comfortable. Holding the railings, Yoshikuni had stood with his back towards the rest of them, staring at the sky. The others merely watched him. He'd seemed to sense this, grip relaxing and his shoulders falling softly. He'd turned around and with feeling that his eyes didn't reflect, smiled without directly looking at any of them. He said only "... It's over."
When he'd said so, it had been.
They would drink tea in the front room of Yoshikuni's terribly up-market apartment. Yoshikuni still wouldn't quite look at him even now, sitting on the windowsill platform with a loose shirt and tousled hair, staring out of the window at dawn breaking and the reflections of light that danced on the ripples of the water below. He'd always ask the same kinds of questions, which Kazuya would always try to answer to the best of his knowledge.
"Have you heard from any of them recently?"
"Not really... I got a Christmas card from Katsuragi the other month, seems like he and Jinguuji are still getting on pretty well..."
"I still find their relationship difficult to believe."
"I know, I know... oh, and Tatsuya's Christmas present to me - and probably to everybody - was a CD of that Nishimura's greatest hits... he got you a copy too, thought you might like it. He was gonna send it, but he forgot... I've got it in my bag, though."
"Live fast, die young... right?"
"... Yeah..."
Casual - if stilted - conversation would always be followed by a long pause, usually around the time it took to finish the first cups of tea. Yoshikuni would wait until he had finished his, then would ask Kazuya if he wanted another. Kazuya did. They'd have another. They would usually remain silent as they drank that one, Yoshikuni still staring out of the window and Kazuya still staring at Yoshikuni. Kazuya would finish his tea first, saying he'd go and make himself another. Yoshikuni wouldn't say anything, which wasn't an argument. Coming back in, Kazuya would then stand behind Yoshikuni, also looking out onto the water. It'd be light by that point, the day seeming quite fresh and new beyond the cold separation of the windowpane. It was around then that Yoshikuni would ask that question, the one polite enquiry that was usually his sole reason for inviting Kazuya over in the first place.
"... And... Kirihara? Have you heard from him at all recently...?"
Even Kazuya could detect the barely-hidden note of desperation beneath those casually-asked words. That question would always be followed by a long silence, Yoshikuni now looking at Kazuya half-fearfully, who only stared down at the teacup.
"... Not really recently. He's off in America somewhere doing a photoshoot, I believe."
A nod of understanding, "... I... read a rumour on the internet that perhaps he's breaking into the film industry soon...?"
There was that too and he had been going to mention it, but Kazuya felt it best if Yoshikuni brought that up, if he acted as if he had merely forgotten. "Oh yeah, there is that... that might be what he's in America for, even. He's doing something over there, I'm not real sure. Isn't he supposed to be the lead role in that movie coming up? Can't remember the title. Read about it in some magazine. All hot women and fast cars and that sort of thing..."
"I think it would be too much to expect of him to appear in anything intellectual."
"I dunno, give it time. He can't keep his boyish looks forever, right?"
"... Mmn..."
Of course, these things were never the kind of thing Yoshikuni wanted to hear, the kind of thing he really asked for... but it was the truth, what more could Kazuya tell him? He kept an occasional email correspondence up with his friend, but with the two of them being so busy in such different countries so often, it was difficult to keep in contact, let alone actually meet up and see each other... they spoke more often than Kazuya would let on to Yoshikuni, but he had a feeling that the kinds of things they said and did were not the kind of things Yoshikuni wanted to hear about. No, Yoshikuni wanted to know if Takumu had asked after him, had enquired as to his well-being, wanted to know what he was doing, where he was... all of that kind of thing. Sometimes they would mention Yoshikuni in their conversation, but Takumu never seemed overly concerned. Kazuya could have told Yoshikuni this, but felt that it would be too cruel.
Sometimes, when he wasn't in London and he wasn't stood behind Yoshikuni and they weren't talking over all of these old issues as if it was the first time they were ever raised, Kazuya wondered if perhaps being cruel might have been the kinder option, in the long run. When he and Takumu did talk or meet up, Kazuya would casually mention Yoshikuni - not that he went over to Britain to meet him nor the content of their meetings, just that they met, occasionally. "He asks after you," Kazuya would say. Takumu would only laugh and shake his head, "Still? He really can't let go, can he!" and that would be that.
Perhaps telling Yoshikuni of Takumu's flippant and generally disinterested nature concerning him might have swayed him somewhat. Sometimes, it was all Kazuya wanted to do to tell Yoshikuni to just give up on those old thoughts and memories, to cut them loose and to start afresh from a new mindset... it had been all this time and he still couldn't let go of things that had practically happened during childhood? That was impressive or pathetic, depending on how you looked at it. And yet... to say something like that... to look at Yoshikuni was to know him broken, Kazuya wasn't convinced that saying something like that - even if truthful - wouldn't shatter him completely. Which would have been better for Yoshikuni's health? Kazuya wasn't sure.
He had a feeling that this was how Keigo had felt, back in the day. It wasn't until afterward that they'd spoken of it, one of the times the two of them had met up... Keigo had never been one to waste words and now that he was settled with Jinguuji it was fairly obvious as to his settled preference, but the way he'd just come out with "I was sleeping with Wada" over lunch one time had still been quite surprising. Yet, as Keigo had elaborated, it seemed less so. Back at Seirei, Keigo always had seemed the most steadfast and loyal to Yoshikuni's rule, though nobody had really seemed to notice nor question this... apparently this devotion went further than rules and regulations. When things had gone wrong between Takumu and Yoshikuni Kazuya had always heard about it from Takumu's point of view, but couldn't help but worry sometimes - that Yoshikuni who now seemed so distant, that Yoshikuni who had only seemed to talk to or trust Takumu with anything... after such a thing, might he not go mad? Keeping such feelings inside all the time, having nobody to talk to... but, it seemed that during that time, he had had somebody to talk to. He'd trusted Keigo.
Keigo's loyalty had been quite deep-rooted and even now he seemed to express concern over Yoshikuni's health and mental condition, though they hadn't spoken in so long that it seemed awkward for either of them to make the first move... Keigo didn't have the means nor the income to travel across the world on a whim, nor would that Jinguuji likely have appreciated Keigo making any kind of visit to Yoshikuni. However, that didn't stop him worrying.
In turn, Kazuya supposed that perhaps he'd taken that kind of mantle onto his own shoulders. Back at Seirei, Keigo had been the one that Yoshikuni had turned to, had talked to, had trusted... now that they were out of Seirei and Keigo was no longer available for that, Kazuya had settled into that occupation. To take that on was to become close to Yoshikuni, to care for him and worry about him... and as much as the truth was the truth, Kazuya didn't want to be the one responsible for upsetting Yoshikuni so - and he knew that it would upset him were he to report Takumu's latest thoughts on the matter, what little there were. Perhaps the truth would have been better, but Kazuya wasn't willing to be accountable for that.
Kazuya supposed that talking with Keigo had kind of given him an idea of what to expect. To be the kind of person that Yoshikuni trusted... it was like a position more than it was any sign of friendship. Kazuya still wasn't sure if he'd consider he and Yoshikuni friends as per se, but they were something. Sex came into it somewhere, though Kazuya wasn't entirely sure where or how it had even come about in the first place... but that was usually how it happened. The conversation in the front room would lead to no conversation in the bedroom, the second main reason why Yoshikuni invited Kazuya over and perhaps the main reason why Kazuya obeyed so readily to that. Anybody liked to get laid, didn't they? Still, it was... it seemed like it was more than that, somehow. How, Kazuya wasn't sure. It just seemed so.
Despite their strange relations with each other and the uncertainty Kazuya felt towards Yoshikuni's true intentions, he always found himself noticing Yoshikuni's vulnerability when they were like that. When he held Yoshikuni against the headboard and viciously pounded him against the back wall, when Yoshikuni would cling tight or fall with a weak expression, his hands pulling Kazuya close but his manner pushing him away and Kazuya wasn't sure where the middle ground was... he'd hold Yoshikuni and Yoshikuni would hold back and for a moment, all of Takumu's casual disinterest seemed like the worst thing in the world. Yoshikuni was human, wasn't he? He was warm and he was human and he needed. Needed what exactly, Kazuya would wonder. Takumu? Love? Stability? Closure? Even if Yoshikuni had any answers to that question, Kazuya wasn't sure it was his place to ask.
And this would continue on for a few days. Kazuya would stay under pretence of the spare bedroom, but in reality he barely left Yoshikuni's bed. He'd sightsee and pick up souvenirs through the day and he'd fuck Yoshikuni through the night and sometimes he'd look him in the eye and see only emptiness while feeling hands cling to his shoulders, wondering why it had to be like this. Why did anybody have to be so pathetically pained? Sometimes Kazuya was worried he'd leech it by osmosis, take on those feelings through association... he didn't have anybody specific either, but he didn't mind it and that was their difference. He didn't mind living the free and easy life, for the time being. If it came to it, Sakura or Tatsuya would probably be up for it, not that Kazuya felt he'd know how to ask but supposed he might if it was what he really wanted... but Yoshikuni? He seemed long past knowing at all what he wanted, knowing only that he didn't have it and didn't know how to get it.
Yoshikuni would say Takumu's name sometimes. His breath would fall to a whisper next to Kazuya's ear, "Call me... 'Kuni'..." but Kazuya wouldn't. Kazuya made a conscious effort not to say anything at all. He felt it was better that way.
It was strange how time seemed to pass during those visits. Kazuya felt quite aware of Yoshikuni being in his own compulsive memory of the past, but it worried him how easy it was for he himself to get sucked into that mindset while he was there. When they talked, if they talked of everyday life and feeling, it felt like they were seventeen-eighteen again and they were still at Seirei, sitting on the upstairs balcony of the Student Council building while waiting for the next lesson. It didn't matter that Kazuya had never spoken to Yoshikuni like that during their time at the school, it still felt something like a memory anyway.
In the darkness of the bedroom, it seemed like they were back in the Student Council building, hidden and locked away and on one of the sofas, hoping fervently that the others would stay at their lessons and not need to come back for something and it was risky, but they needed it... Kazuya had gone through that many times back then, though not with Yoshikuni. Usually with Tatsuya. Those few times with Takumu. That one time with that first year... Honma? Kazuya barely remembered now. He'd never been caught, though there had been some close times. He never would have suspected Yoshikuni to be similar, though it seemed that both Takumu and Yoshikuni as well as Keigo and Yoshikuni had used the Student Council building for their own purposes quite often... they'd just been good about their timing so as to never be disturbed, as was to be expected from somebody as meticulous as Yoshikuni.
Still, part of the excitement was the recovered memory of risk in their minds - what would happen if they were caught? If they were seen like that? If Tatsuya saw Kazuya like that, if Takumu or Keigo saw Yoshikuni like that... if a teacher walked in or a random student, if something happened... the reality of being caught would have been severe but the fantasy of it was somewhat exhilarating. This was years from that and nobody was going to disturb them, but it was easy to summon up that memory and feel the excitement as if it could be true after all. It seemed surprising to Kazuya that Yoshikuni might feel like that, but... they would lie there afterwards, exhausted and silent, and then Yoshikuni would speak quietly, seeking confirmation.
"... If... Takumu were to see this..."
"... Mm...?"
"... He'd... be angry, don't you think...?"
Kazuya would run his hand through Yoshikuni's hair, playing along. "... His boyfriend and his best friend, huh?... Yeah. Yeah, he probably would."
"What a betrayal..."
Need seemed to do funny things to people. For all that they had - or didn't have - now, Yoshikuni never once mentioned his previous dislike of Kazuya. It had been fairly obvious at the time even without statement, though Takumu had told him so anyway. Back then, Yoshikuni had been fiercely jealous of anybody who spoke to Takumu in a friendly manner, girls or friends or anybody, really. Of course, like this, Kazuya was most likely to receive the brunt of Yoshikuni's hidden anger - being Takumu's best friend was practically the worst crime one could commit in front of Yoshikuni, though that hadn't been something Kazuya had been able to help... and yet, such things were forgotten. One might have even called them 'petty', but wasn't the whole situation like that? Yoshikuni seemed to pick and choose his grudges haphazardly and Kazuya supposed he could only feel grateful that his misdemeanour wasn't a grudge remembered.
Then, without much circumstance, Kazuya would leave. He'd come to visit Yoshikuni but he did have business to tend to elsewhere, and Yoshikuni accepted that without question. Sometimes Kazuya would come back to Yoshikuni after he was finished, sometimes he'd head straight back to Japan if he was feeling tired. Either was fine.
Sometimes, Kazuya felt like he'd like to take Yoshikuni back with him, or maybe stay with Yoshikuni for a while. Either. Just be able to spend more time with him, keep him company, ensure that he wasn't as lonely as he'd feel with nobody there... and sometimes that urge would be overpowering, but there was little that could be done about it if he had other commitments, and it wasn't as if Yoshikuni didn't have his own duties and responsibilities doing whatever he did now. Kazuya supposed those feelings were a sign of him getting a little too attached, perhaps dangerously so... he hated to think of it, but... to think of how Takumu had been back at Seirei, to think of Keigo's feelings in retrospect... Yoshikuni did seem like one of those people who drew people to him in a destructive kind of way... it was hard to find his tone or his agreement, but if you did, then that was your place in his life whether you liked it or not. He wasn't the kind of person Kazuya felt he'd really like to spend time with seriously, he wasn't about to ask Yoshikuni for anything lasting, but... despite that, he couldn't help but worry. Keigo still worried. It had probably taken a lot for Takumu to put that worry behind him and he certainly wasn't willing to drag that up again. Perhaps, behind his smile and his casual words, he still worried. Everybody had their own coping mechanism, after all. Perhaps Takumu really just didn't want to recall those times and really, Kazuya didn't blame him.
It just seemed like a difficult situation. Kazuya wanted to be able to do something, but didn't know what - and supposed that this was Yoshikuni's own dilemma. He was willing to be there for whatever comfort Yoshikuni needed, but to give him what he really needed... Kazuya didn't know what that was and wasn't sure he'd be able to give it even if he did. Was it just because he was the closest thing Yoshikuni had to a friend that he felt that sort of responsibility?
At the airport, Kazuya fought the urge to turn around and go back to Yoshikuni. When he got back to Japan he'd phone Keigo, have a talk about it. He was the best for that kind of thing.
In the meantime... was a long plane journey. Kazuya got out his CD player. He still hadn't listened to Nishimura's CD, had he?... Even those songs held bad memories of other kinds of betrayal, back at Seirei... Tatsuya. He and Tatsuya. Shin. Shin and Tatsuya. So far in the past and yet the feelings still felt so recent... he smiled as the notes of the first song started up, remembering things too keenly and hating and loving it both at once.
It wasn't just Yoshikuni, was it? It was all of them, really. In one way or another.
~fin~