A/N: I should have added a warning long before now, but it slipped my mind. -sighs- Oh, and the inspiration for this story came from an episode in House M.D. where Dr. House makes a speech almost exactly like this, except for the fact that it was muggle-friendly. As I said in the summary, blatent plagiarism alert! If that offends you, please go away and leave my humble home of writing.
Disclaimer: I own nothin Harry Potter. I do, however, own Alexa.
The Defense Stand In
It was 6:30 P.M. on a regular Sunday evening, and the population of Hogwarts was happily enjoying a regular evening meal in the Hogwarts Great Hall.
Alexa Draden, 7th year, unofficial Slytherin Ice-Queen, sat at the Slytherin table, seemingly eating at a calm, unhurried, bored pace, as was her trademark appearence for a Regular Sunday Dinner. If one would chance to look at her, you would pass her off as boring and uninteresting - which is what she would want you to think.
In reality, Alexa was unobtrusively studying the many dunderheads seated randomly amoung the Griffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff tables. Although the Slytherin table did contain a few special cases of dunder-a-bility, the majority of the Pureblood class were miraculously born with manners, poise and a brain. The same, unfortunately, could not be said for the rest of the Houses.
The dunderheads amongst the Griffindors were making complete fools of themselves, as per usual, in what they must have thought was a dignified manner. Ranging from talking in overly-pitched, too-high voices about their savior of the Wizarding world (the hyper Potter-Fan-Club members), to stuffing their faces whilst trying to talk (the redheaded Weasel and his many uneducated tag alongs), or to simply just existing (the ugly mudblood chit).
The Ravenclaws were slightly better, if only slightly. One can talk about books to an extent, but after a certain point, it simply becomes overkill. While they were slightly more dignified, it didn't change the fact that they were all nosy, gossip orientated, beyond-dorky bookworms.
The Hufflepuffs were... Well, they were Hufflepuffs. That goes beyond explanation. They were hard working, you could give them that; they were trusting to a fault, although that wasn't a very good quality to have these days; and sure, they were quite friendly, to an extent; that, however, didn't change the fact that they were Hufflepuffs.
Alexa's internal dialogue ended there, unfortunately, as the Headmaster had just risen from his seat at the Head table and raised his hands for silence. That brought Alexa's thoughts to the members of the faculty.
Not many teachers were sitting at the staff table this evening, but that was not unusual, as they had many lesson plans to go over before classes started on Monday. Passing over a few of the more uninteresting ones, she started on the most prominent one at the Head table - his Headmastership himself.
If one could look past the tall, purple wizard's hat situated precariously upon his head; the unhygenically long white beard; bright, periwinkle robes with multicolored snitches for a design; and, perhaps worst of all, twinkling blue eyes, one would have to admit that he deserved the title of most-powerful-wizard-of-our-time. Unfortunately most, including Alexa, found it hard enough to look past the crazy-old-coot personality, and therefore sadly missed the hidden brilliance.
Sitting on his right was the transfiguration teacher, Minerva McGonagall. She was stern and relatively fair, so Alexa thought her pretty decent. If she would just get whatever crawled up her ass out of it, she would be much more pleasant to be around.
On his Head's left sat the current Defense teacher, Remus Lupin. How he managed to get the job a second time, even after it was announced that he was a werewolf, was beyond even Alexa. She grudgingly admitted that he was probably the best defense teacher they had ever had, but that didn't stop her from complaining about it.
In the far corner, barely visible from her table, sat the surly Slytherin Head-of-House, Severus Snape. He was a perfect example of what happens when you leave whatever crawled up your ass to die there. He was - despite his being an unfair, bigoted, self-assured prick - her favorite professor. That probably had something to with the fact that he had to teach numerous idiots daily and still managed to award his Slytherins with undue amounts of points. Alexa couldn't withhold a shudder. Imagine teaching dunderheads every day. That was something she preferred not to even think about.
She repressed that train of thought with difficulty, and concentrated on what the Headmaster was saying.
"-do not worry yourselves, as he will be back shortly. As most of the faculty's duties have been upped slightly to help with the war effort, they are especially busy this year. We have decided," here most of the faculty scowled at the we, "therefore, that one seventh year from each House with the highest defense scores will be taking turns stepping in as replacement teacher while Professor Lupin is other wise indisposed for three days of each month. They will have the ability to take off points within reason, but detentions will have to be passed through another member of the faculty first."
Excited muttering followed this pronouncement, leaving Alexa to stare blankly at the staff table. As the Headmaster started speaking again, she couldn't help but notice how Professor Snapes scowl had just magnified to epic proportions.
"I will now announce the student who will be stepping in for this month; please step forward when I call your name. Everyone please give a hand for-"
Oh Merlin, please no! I simply refuse to be taught by The-Boy-Who-Should-Have-Died-the-First-Time!
"-Slytherin seventh year, Alexa Draden!"
Complete and utter silence met this statement. Most of the students were staring at her in abject horror, no doubt thinking 'the Headmaster has finally gone around the bend!', or imagining her taking undue advantage of the ability to take off House points. The Slytherins were taking turns glancing angrily at the Headmaster and sending sympathetic glances her way. Alexa, on the other hand, slowly stood up and walked to the headtable, all the while searching furiously for a way to get out of this situation.
I can't do this! I will not do this! I will under no circumstances teach a bunch of dunderheads! I refuse! What the blazes am I supposed to do?
As she stalked to the Head table, an idea began to form in her mind. With an inward smirk, she sauntered over to where the Headmaster stood. This is going to be so much fun.
"Excuse me, Headmaster, but would it be too much to ask for me to say a few words to my... new students?" She asked in an overly polite voice. The Headmaster looked slightly surprised, but he quickly covered it with a benign, grandfatherly smile, and an, "Of course my dear."
Alexa gave him a would-be thankful smile, but it must have come off more as a feral grin, because the Headmaster raised his eyebrows, and Snape, as well as the rest of the professors, started to lean forward in interest.
Alexa stepped up onto the platform, cast a 'sonorus', and began her speech, incorporated from something recently viewed in Muggle-studies class, which she was unfortunately forced to take. At least some good came from that idiotic waste of time and brain space, she thought with an inward scowl.
"Good evening, my fellow hormone-ravaged, angst-ridden adolescent wonders and all you other idiots out there! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, as well as to all those of you who were too busy reveling in the wonders of brocoli and steak to listen to the Headmaster or are just too stupid to comprehend life in general, Hi; I am your new Stand-in professor, Alexa Draden. From now on you may call me Professor Draden. I'm one of four students who will be taking turns teaching you three days out of the month for the rest of this year. This ray of sunshine beside me is Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. His Headmastership runs this whole school, so unfortunately he's much too busy to deal with you.
"I am a BORED...certified student in defense, with a double specialty in annoying teachers without speaking and leaving people in tears. I am also the only 'professor', not including the other unfortunate souls volunteered for this job, who is forced to do this against her will. But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a Death Eater with a bottle of Polly Juice. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this," she sneered, abruptly pulling out a vile of dark blue potion. It was quite amusing to see the majority of the population flinch in surprise and fright. "This is a Headache Potion. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a headache management problem, I have a headache problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong." Here she widened her eyes dramatically. "Maybe I'm just too stoned to tell." She took a moment to enjoy the extremely wide-eyed expressions on the majority of the student body's faces before finishing up her impromptu-speech.
"Now who would like me to be their professor for the next few days?" Here no one raised their hand, and Alexa could actually feel a smile threatening to break out. "Annnd who would like to see one of the other three students take my place?"
Here every student from the Griffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff tables raised their hands, as well as a few of the Slytherin first years. Alexa raised an eyebrow at the rest of the Slytherins, giving a slight jerk of her head, and slowly, the remainder raised their hands as well. Alexa couldn't hold back a triumphant smirk anymore, so she turned to a gobsmacked Headmaster, with a, "Satisfied, your Head?" before risking a glance at the other teachers. It appeared that most of them were hiding their laughter or even smiling outright. Professor McGonagall seemed just as stern as ever, but if you looked closely, you could see the corners of her mouth twitching. Professor Snape, it seemed, had wiped the scowl off his face entirely and even appeared to be hiding a smile himself!
Satisfied that her mission had been accomplished and with a parting grin at the Headmaster, as well as a, "Well, what are you all waiting for? Do continue eating, time waits for no man," to the student body, she sauntered over to her smirking dormmates, where she then proceeded to sit back down and restore her 'I-am-bored-and-feeling-unhurried-and-calm' Sunday Dinner Look.
Yes, it was just another regular, boring Sunday evening in the Hogwarts Great Hall.