Enduring Love.
I must have done something spectacularly bad in a previous life to deserve this. Or maybe I just haven't been the best person inthis life.
I'm sorry, Lucas. I can't meet his eyes, he reaches out to me and I flinch. The smell of sex hangs in the room, a sordid reminder of what we've just done. He cups my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes. I can't look at him for long. He searches my eyes as if looking for something, something he isn't going to find. We're over. It wasn't going to work. I can't exchange one brother for another, as much as I wanted to. My phone beeps. Nathan. I turn away as I answer it, always aware that Lucas is watching me. As I promise to meet Nathan after the game, the guilt of where I am seems to seep through into my voice but Nathan's oblivious. Lucas is still watching me. I can't do this anymore. His heart is breaking before me and I'm powerless to stop it.
Nathan and I didn't start out as anything serious. The Cheerleader and the Jock. It was almost too cliche to work. But it did work, for a while. We'd go out with Brooke and whoever she was seeing that weekend, we'd take a boat or drive - long days at the beach. Brooke and I would sunbathe, watching as the boys built a beach fire before we'd be dragged up to watch some sort of sporting activity that Nathan would always win. It was one of these times when I first realised that I loved him. As in heart stopping, palms sweating, breath racing love. I don't know why it happened, or even really how, but somehow we'd gone from the school's biggest cliche to a couple in love. Brooke told me it was obvious to see. The sweet glances, the way his hand would curl around mine as we'd walk down the school hallway; the way he'd pull me too him as we'd sit for lunch. Letting me feed him things from my plate with the basketball team in view. We were Peyton and Nathan, Nathan and Peyton, and I didn't think anything could ever change that.
How wrong I was. Things started to change just before Junior year. He'd blow me off with some lame excuse about homework or his Dad. I'd find out from somebody at school the next day that he was out with the team. It was as if there were two Nathans. The sweet boy I'd fallen in love with who held my hand and kissed my forehead and the beast Nathan. Star player for the Tree Hill Ravens. Constant flirt with anything female that had a pulse. So, we started to row, big screaming matches, mostly at the parties he'd throw in his parent's beach house. I'd watch as he'd flirt with Bevin, or Theresa, or Amber, as I'd get angrier and angrier until he'd stagger over to me smirking. Those parties were some of the worst times of my life. So we'd row. And break up. Until sweet Nathan appeared at my bedroom door the next morning full of contrition. I forgave him but it was as if he'd broken a small part of me each time. I just didn't know how I was supposed to put myself back together again.
Lucas knocks on my bedroom door. I don't stop drawing. I can't look at him because if I do, I know I'm going to want to kiss him. He perches on the bed, watching as I draw a strip. Peyton... I pause and he takes that as a sign to start talking. He can't be here. I will him to leave before I do something stupid - more stupid than sleeping with him while seeing his brother. More stupid than falling in love with him, while still being in love with Nathan. More stupid than him deciding that Brooke is a good enough Peyton substitue for the time being. My best friend. Brooke was the only one who knew about Lucas and I. She was hesitant when she brought up Lucas. I told her it was fine. That there wasn't anybody else I'd rather he be with than her. I lied. Lucas says my name and I realise I've no idea what he's said. My pen traces the word torn over and over again on the strip. The tears begin when he leaves.
They're walking down the hallway towards me, holding hands and looking to the world as if they're a couple in love. Like a beautiful couple from an advert. Like Nathan and I a year ago. He pauses when he sees me but Brooke tugs him over. We exchange embarrased smiles before I make some excuse about work and Nathan and why I can't stay. All the while we're nodding and smiling and I'm cracking inside. I don't get three feet before I feel the earth rushing up to meet me and everything goes dark.
The Doctor's room is chill and Brooke's holding my hand tightly. Passing out in school is pretty high on my embarrassment scale. Lucas caught me before I hit the floor. I was at least saved the embarrassment of sprawling face down with half the school watching. Brooke murmers something about checking on Lucas and I watch as she leaves. Then there's nothing to do but wait. I know something's wrong when the Doctor re-enter's the room. She refuses to look me in the eye, instead she focuses on shuffling her papers and calling me Miss Sawyer. She pauses for a moment and then looks directly at me.You're pregnant, Miss Sawyer. The world seemed to stop for an instant. It's an impossibility. It can't be real but I can tell by the concerned look she's giving me that I'm a seventeen year old junior that's been knocked up. I manage to ask how far along I am. 3 months. Something has been growing inside of me for 3 months and I didn't have any idea. I think I start to laugh; hysterical laughter that quickly turns into tears. I'm going to be a mother.
Lucas and Brooke drop me off at my house. They're concerned and worried and I just want to be alone. They don't know why I fainted. They don't know anything. I let myself into the house, closing the door softly behind me, it's all I can manage before slumping to the floor. My life's turned into a nightmare. I don't know who the father is. I was protected with both. We were always so careful. They had no intention of being the next Dan. I didn't have any intention of being a high school mother. I'm watching my future crumble in front of me and I can't do anything about it.
Brooke calls continuously. I've locked my front door. I know she'll be worried. I know Lucas will be worried. But I don't care. I don't know what to do. When I'm not sleeping, I cry. The banging on my front door pulls me from sleep and I tense. It'll be Lucas, or Brooke or it might even be Nathan. We might not be the couple we once were but even he's bound to notice that I'm not around lately. He shouts my name. It's Nathan. The pounding on the door is putting my teeth on edge, each sound vibrating through me. I can't do anything else but open the door, he won't leave until I do. Nathan's more stubborn than I am. He looks at me in shock when I finally open the door, instantly making me defensive. I can't meet his eye. How can I tell him that I might be carrying his child? That even though we were so extra careful he might be in a worse position than even Dan was? Dan must have loved Karen, I'm not sure that Nathan loves me.
He pushes his way into the house, grimacing at the mess, before heading to the kitchen. I follow him slowly to find that he's looking for something. Coffee. I tell him we're out, coffee is the last thing on my mind. He asks me if I'd mind telling him what's going on; why haven't I been to school for the past two days and why is Brooke wandering around in a constant state of panic because I won't talk to her? I didn't mean to put her though this. I didn't mean any of this. Nathan's waiting for me to answer him. He looks angry and worried and my heart contracts for him. He might not love me but he does care about me. I'm pregnant, I whisper.
I told him and for a moment there I thought he was going to laugh. As if this would be some elaborate April Fool in the middle of January. Sure. Nathan... I'm hesitant about walking towards him but I do. He looks like he's been punched. Or as if he's just been told he's only got one day left to live. I try to take his hand but he shakes me off. I watch as he starts to pace the kitchen. I'm worried for him but at this moment I'm more worried for myself. He could be the next Dan, I'm not sure if I want to be the next Karen. He's crying. He's breaking my heart. Nathan. My first everthing. I wish I could take it all back. I sit down, watching him pace, and I want to cry again. Keep it together, Sawyer. When did you find out? It's nothing more than a whisper. I'm sorry, I say, and he slumps into the chair opposite. 2 days. Two of the longest days of my life. Where do we go from here?