Ianto,
It's almost been a year since you left. I can hardly concentrate on anything other than what it felt like to hold you. Sometimes I hear your voice, late at night, whispering "I love you" and I'd like to think it's real but I know I'm wrong. I miss you. That hardly describes what I'm feeling. Holding you as you left was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's almost as if I'm being punished for being alive so long, I feel like if I were to die you'd be waiting for me, but I can't. And even if I could I know you wouldn't want me to be so selfish just to be with you for eternity.
I'm scared for you, I know what death is like. It's darkness, and scattered voices calling out for help, for loved ones, for anything. It's terrifying, even for me to think about, and for you to have to be in the darkness alone is an even worse thought. I wish there was some way to bring you back, some way to bring you back for good, forever, unharmed and normal, but I know there isn't. One day, Ianto, I will find a way to bring you back to me. To bring you back home, and I won't give up. You said I'd forget you, that I'd find some other bloke to fall in love with, but you weren't just a coffee boy. You weren't just a late night fuck, you weren't just a one night stand that lasted a bit longer. You made me feel like every second was my last, and you made me remember why I was alive. And being without you feels like every death I've ever had all at once without any mercy, and the only thing holding me here is this body. This worthless body, that has nothing to hold onto, no one to kiss softly. Ianto Jones, you were and are my life and without you I'm nothing.
I'm happy for the times we've had together, and though it was too short and ended abruptly, I still miss every moment we had. Do you remember our first date? You were so nervous, you blushed every 30 seconds. That was the night I knew I'd fall in love with you. And when I took you out into the country side, we watched the sunset, talked all night long, among other things, and then watched it rise again. I remember what you said to me that night. "I feel like we're exactly where we're supposed to be now. Like everything has fallen into place and it's absolutely perfect." I know I laughed and joked, as I often did, but I felt the same, Ianto. And though you're gone, you will always be here with me, I will always remember you. The coffee boy that I fell in love with. Ianto Jones, you're one of the few people who've made an impact on my everlasting life. I love you, forever like we always promised.
Sincerely, with so much love,
Jack Harkness.