Something was amiss in Pawnee. Leslie couldn't put her finger on just what that something was, but there was this creeping foreboding, sitting like lead in her stomach, that she couldn't shake off no matter how hard she tried.
Leslie was determined to keep an eye out. For what, she didn't know exactly, but well. Better be safe than sorry, right?
X
She proceeded the day as normal, if not with a bit more wariness than usual, and slowly relaxed as she didn't encounter anything too out of the ordinary. This was the Parks Department after all and the city of Pawnee, Indiana at that. Strangeness was practically a given; Jerry's outfit for the day was a testament to that if nothing else. (He was wearing the ugliest sweater Leslie had ever seen. He had walked into the office beaming, proudly showing off the sweater his niece had knitted for him, only for his face to fall as everyone pointed at him and howled in laughter. But really, she thought, he couldn't wear something like that and expect them to not say anything.)
So she pushed the feeling that something was wrong to the back of her mind and had managed to forget all about it while chatting with Ann about the newest movie trailers they'd seen.
"Yeah, I don't know, Leslie," Ann said. "It kind of looks like they're trying to cash in on the success of the Social Network for one thing; first Mark Zuckerberg, now Steve Jobs? And Ashton Kutcher is supposed to be playing him? Plus there was a Macklemore song in the trailer. That alone is enough to not interest me."
"Macklewho?" Leslie asked, her forehead creasing in confusion. Ann smiled and patted Leslie's hand.
"My exact reaction," she said. "He's the worst, trust me."
Leslie opened her mouth to question exactly who this Macklemore person was and why Ann didn't like him when her attention was drawn outside her office. Ron had suddenly burst through the main doors and his face was flushed in anger. Leslie and Ann exchanged a look and ventured outside without so much as word.
"You okay, Ron?" Leslie asked tentatively. He jerked his head towards her and she winced at the way the vein in the side of his neck was throbbing. Yeah, that definitely wasn't a good sign.
"No, Leslie, I am not okay," Ron spat out. "How could I be when this town has been overrun with vermin and no one has seen fit to do anything about it?"
Tom had been texting through all the commotion so far, unfazed as always, but his head finally came up at this. He looked at Ron with wide, panicked eyes. "Awww man, there aren't possums on the loose again, are there?"
Ron shook his head. "Worse, Tom. What plagues our town now is far, far worse."
"Raccoons?" Ann guessed and cringed at the withering look he gave her.
"Not rodents, not in the way you are thinking of at least. Hippies," Ron said gravely. His face scrunched up like just saying the word pained him.
Everyone blinked and a stunned sort of silence fell over the room, only to be broken by Donna: "Say what now?"
"There has been a sudden influx of them," Ron explained, beginning to pace back and forth in agitation. "In my opinion, there were too many of them in our town as it is, but if we don't take action soon they will outnumber the rest of us, the godforsaken creatures."
"Now, Ron, the city of Pawnee has always had a wonderfully diverse population. Aren't Tom and Donna proof enough of that?" Leslie said, oblivious to how this made Tom and Donna roll their eyes. "Anyway, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that. What's the worst that a couple hippies could do anyway?"
"Did you not hear a single word I said? There is more than just a couple, Leslie. Their numbers are vastly growing even as we speak!" Ron's voice was as impassioned as it ever got and it seemed that Andy had gotten caught up in it. He started nodding his head along.
"I believe you, dude. This is just like the show April and I have been watching on Ben's Netflix. Instead of hippies though, it's aliens and clones and other weird monsters. But, like, the conspiracy aspect of it, that's totally the same."
April snorted a little but tilted her head to scrutinize Ron all the same. "Would that make him Mulder or Scully?" she asked Andy, a small smile curving her lips.
"Totally Mulder," Andy enthused. "Because he's always saying stuff that doesn't make sense and has crazy theories and stuff."
"Mulder's always right about everything, though," April pointed out. "No matter how ridiculous or out there his theory is, he's always proven right in the end. That's definitely not happening here."
The discussion was only derailed further from there when Leslie herself chimed in, saying that if Ron was going to be any X-Files character, he'd be Assistant Director Skinner. She had been watching The X-Files on Ben's Netflix too.
Ron desperately tried to get the conversation back on track but it was a lost cause. He stomped his way to his office and brooded there the rest of the day.
X
It turned out that the worst that a couple of hippies could do was, well, quite a lot. Ron couldn't stop giving her an I-told-you-so look when reports started coming in all over town of attacks; people would be innocently walking by one moment and then they'd be curled up on the ground the next as a hippie tried to rain blow after blow upon them. No one had died, thankfully. Onlookers quickly interfered and fought the hippies off or helped the victim up so that they could run for their lives.
"Is it true what they're saying?" Tom asked during a lull at work. "That the hippies can freeze your body solid with a toothbrush?"
Ann frowned and nodded with obvious reluctance. "Yeah," she said. "But it doesn't make sense. How exactly does that work? It's a toothbrush, not a stun gun."
"I'm never brushing my teeth again," Andy declared, eyes suddenly wide in fear.
April made a face. "If you ever want to kiss me again, you'd better."
"I don't think regular toothbrushes are a problem anyway," Leslie said, flashing Andy a reassuring smile. "Just the ones that the hippies attack you with."
"Yeah, all we've got to worry about is our asses getting beat by a bunch of homicidal hippies," Donna said with a roll of her eyes.
Ron leaned through the doorway of his office and Leslie just barely held back her sigh. It had gotten to the point where even his mustache was looking annoyingly smug about all this.
"I warned you all of the danger, did I not?" Ron asked.
Everyone groaned and balled up paper to throw at him, only for him to duck back into his office with a smirk.
X
Life in Pawnee had always been unusual but lately it seemed that things had taken on a new level of strange. She and everyone were pressed up against the window that looked out into the courtyard, staring out with a sort of weary fascination that was becoming all too common.
The homicidal hippies were one thing; those were people, even as weird-looking and hell-bent on causing you pain as they were. But this was entirely another and Leslie found she was having trouble believing her eyes.
"You're all seeing what I'm seeing, right?" Tom asked, as if sensing her thoughts. He looked at them and the completely mystified look on his face would have made her laugh under other circumstances. "Because what I see is a bird wearing fucking shades."
"Yeah," Leslie said, and her voice sounded far away to even her. She blinked slowly, as if waiting for the sunglasses-wearing crow to dissipate, but nope. It continued pecking at the ground in the courtyard, lifting its head every once in a while and stretching out its wings lazily.
It was ridiculous but when the crow looked up, she somehow got the feeling that it was looking directly at them. Its sunglasses seemed to glint almost ominously and her stomach clenched, that foreboding feeling suddenly worse than ever.
"Maybe someone put them on the bird? As like a prank?" Ann ventured after a long moment of silence.
Tom turned to her with a look even more disbelieving than before. "Why on earth would anyone do that? That's not just any bird, sweetheart. That's a crow. Crows are creepy enough as it is without the added freakiness of it wearing sunglasses."
Ann scowled, clearly not pleased with being called sweetheart. "Like you said, it makes even more weird and scary. Hence the prank."
"Oh sweet, beautiful Ann," Leslie said, giving her best friend an appeasing smile. "I really don't think anyone would put sunglasses on a crow as a prank. That involves getting close enough to one to do that and most people value their lives."
April suddenly shrugged and looked down at her nails. "I'd do it as a prank," she said. "I'm not scared of any crow." There was a beat and April scowled when she saw the questioning way everyone was looking at her. She rolled her eyes. "No, I didn't put sunglasses on the crow, but I wish I did, the way you're all going on about it."
"I don't know if you've all noticed, but it's also wearing a bow-tie," Donna said.
Leslie squinted out the window to confirm this and gave a little gasp. "Oh my god, it is!" she exclaimed. "A little purple one! Wow, that'd be adorable if it were any other bird but a crow."
"Yeah, no, that just makes it even creepier! What the hell is a bird wearing sunglasses and a bow-tie for? Is it going to hit the club?" Tom said sarcastically.
"Are there clubs that are birds only?" Andy wondered.
Donna started looking from one person to the other and she looked suddenly worried about something. "Um, guys? Where the hell is Jerry?"
As if Donna's words had summoned him, Jerry entered from the doors on the other side of the courtyard. He appeared to be humming as he carried his lunch with him back to the office and Leslie felt a growing sense of dread.
The crow stopped pecking at the ground. Its head slowly came up and Leslie had no idea birds were even capable of grinning until that moment, much less in an evil manner.
It flew towards Jerry and all hell officially broke loose.
X
Jerry sat in the office, no worse for wear, staring sadly at the shredded remains of his sweater.
"It could've been a lot worse," Leslie said, trying to cheer him up. "I mean, you could've been pecked to death! Besides, it was an ugly sweater anyway. If you think about it, maybe the crow was doing you a kindness?"
She trailed off at the frustrated look Jerry gave her. He sighed a little, forlornly playing with one of the hanging threads.
"My niece made this for me," Jerry said. "It was a gift and I treasured it very much."
"Next time your niece wants to get you a sweater, you should tell her to just buy you one," Tom said, "because her knitting skills? Ain't exactly great."
"God, Jerry, you could be a little happier considering I just saved you from death and all," April said, and then smiled deviously at the camera. "You know what this means? You're in my debt for life."
"Yeah, about that," Ben said. He had come in during the tail-end of everything and had stood back with the what-the-hell-is-going-on-here look that Leslie always found so adorable or would have if a bow-tie and sunglasses-wearing crow wasn't trying to kill Jerry at that moment. "Don't you think this is something you should have mentioned to us sooner?"
April shrugged. "It never came up."
"How exactly was that supposed to come up?" Ben pressed. "Why would any of us ever think to go, oh hey April, how are you today? By the way do you have psychic powers?"
"Ugh, you're making this way bigger of a deal than it really is."
"You set a crow on fire with your brain, April," Ben said. "I don't know what qualifies as a big deal in your world but in mine? Yeah, that's huge. Humongous even."
"A big deal to her would be if that Neutral Milk Hotel guy ever came to Pawnee," Andy said. His forehead scrunched up a little in thought. "Jeff...Mangum, I think. Am I right, babe?"
April smiled at him. "Yeah," she said, and curled further into his embrace.
Leslie smiled at the two of them cuddling but then frowned as something suddenly occurred to her. "Did you know, Andy?" she asked.
He shook his head. "Nah, I found out the same as everyone else. That was super badass, babe," Andy complimented, squeezing April's shoulders with a grin. "You were like a superhero!"
"It wasn't a big deal," April mumbled, not really looking at him, but there was a pleased smile on her lips.
"So what other stuff can you do?" Leslie asked eagerly. "Oooh, can you move things with your brain? That'd be so handy!"
"Like Matilda? Man, that would be so sweet," Andy said. "I'd never have to leave the living room to get snacks from the kitchen ever again."
"What you're all talking about is telekinesis," Ben said, taking on the tone of voice he used whenever talking about nerdy things. "She's already shown a propensity for pyrokinesis so it wouldn't be much of a stretch if she had that ability as well."
"Wowwww, nerd alert!" Tom said, grinning like he had said the cleverest thing. He held out his hand for a high-five and April reached out to slap it. She then settled back against Andy. Ben rolled his eyes at them.
"So can you?" Ben prompted.
"Yeah, I guess," April said. "What you guys don't get is that I choose not to use them a lot of the time. It's too much work."
"But, like, the rare occasion you do...what do you use them for?" Andy asked.
"To get the spiders you don't kill," April admitted and smiled a little when Andy laughed and said, "Nice!"
Leslie beamed and clasped her hands together, not noticing how this made April eye her warily. "Oh, this is just wonderful!" she said, getting starry-eyed at the possibilities. "April, you can be our very own personal Parks Department exterminator!"
"Yeah, no," April said. "Not happening."
Leslie's face fell. "Awww, but it'd save us so much money," she wheedled. "Think about it at least?"
"I don't need to think about it because it's not happening. Ever. Sorry," April said, not looking sorry at all.
Leslie wanted to argue the point some more but was distracted by the disgusted look that was now on Donna's face. She craned her head to look at Donna and Jerry and her eyes widened, the same look stealing over her features.
"Jerry, please tell me that is not what I think it is," Donna said.
"It is!" Tom exclaimed. "Ugh, Jerry, this is a new low for even you."
Jerry looked at them in confusion, holding the cookie that had been left behind in the crow's place after April defeated it in his hands. He had been in the midst of unwrapping it when Donna said something. "It's still packaged," Jerry said defensively. "It's perfectly good to eat."
"A killer crow touched that thing, man! No way would I be putting something like that in my mouth, packaged or not," Tom said. "It must be crawling with killer crow germs!"
"Jerry, I really don't think that's sanitary," Ann said and she was using her nurse voice, the one that was both kind and slightly stern.
Jerry sighed and put the cookie down.
X
As the weird happenings didn't seem to be letting up any time soon, people quickly learned to never leave the house without some sort of weapon in case you were attacked. And the thing was you never knew just what was going to attack you: hippies, spiteful crows, runaway dogs, ramblin' evil mushrooms, hell, Tom was even attacked by his beloved abstract art. (He lamented this every day at work since: "My beautiful shapes betrayed me," Tom would say, staring numbly off into the distance. Leslie learned the quickest way to snap him out of this was to bring up Kanye's new album and sit back and listen as he proceeded to break it down track by track.)
Anything and everything was a potential danger and so paranoia was at an all-time high, people assessing those they passed by with suspicion in their eyes, gripping their chosen weapon close as they waited for you to suddenly lash out at them.
Life in Pawnee had never been more stressful and Leslie honestly thought it couldn't get any worse until this moment.
"You want me to go where!?" she exclaimed. "Ron, do you want me to die?"
"Don't be foolish, Leslie," Ron said. He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "I'd sooner not see you go but we don't have any choice in the matter. I, myself, cannot meet Tammy for obvious reasons. Her demonic powers have probably grown to new heights and I would most likely succumb to her devious whims."
"But it's the library, Ron," Leslie whined. "It was already hell on earth before, imagine how much worse it must be now?"
"I shudder to think," Ron said gravely.
There was a loud yelp from outside the office and they both immediately sprung to their feet, Ron's hunting knife slipping into his hand from god-only-knows-where. Leslie found herself sparing a wishful thought for her hunting rifle. Things being as they were lately, the city government was allowing for officials to arm themselves but only with things that were on the list of approved weaponry, which mainly consisted of everyday household items. Ron being Ron, of course, scoffed at being told how he should or should not defend himself and continued to arm himself as he pleased.
Also Leslie was pretty certain that his office had been stocked with weapons before all the weird monsters and stuff anyway.
Leslie grabbed the stapler off Ron's desk, hoping it wasn't staple-less so it could be of some use as weapon, and then followed Ron outside the door. She let out a nasty swear when she saw that the coffee had come to life again.
"Damnit, why haven't we just gotten rid of the machine already?" she shouted, ducking behind a desk before the now animate coffee tried to throw its scalding contents at her. "A measly cup of joe isn't worth all this!"
She looked down and saw that Tom was curled underneath the desk. "You okay?" she asked. Tom lowered his arms from around his head and gave her an are-you-seriously-asking-me-that look.
"Oh, I'm great! Absolutely, hundred percent great. I mean, it's not like a man can't even get a cup of coffee nowadays without it being some life or death endeavor." He pretended to think about it a minute. "Oh wait, that's exactly how it is!"
She ignored his sarcasm and peeked around the desk, watching wide-eyed as Ron bore down on the coffee with all his strength, stabbing at its Styrofoam base wildly. He grunted a little when it tried to lash out with its spindly tendrils but he was persistent and soon the battle was won. He got up and wiped at the beads of expiration on his forehead, a strange little grin on his face.
Ron, Leslie thought, was probably the only person in Pawnee who derived pleasure from fighting objects that were supposed to be inanimate.
"Did it leave anything behind?" April asked, suddenly creeping out from under Jerry's desk. She hadn't been taking refuge like Tom; her cell phone was in her hand and she was still in the midst of typing out a reply.
"Wait, you've been here this whole time?" Leslie asked. "Why did you make Ron go through the trouble of killing it when you could've just used your powers?"
April shrugged, not even bothering to look up. "Ron had it covered. Besides, I told you before that I don't like using them."
"Oh yeah, how inconvenient for you. It's not like we all could've been killed," Tom said, rolling his eyes. "Also I'm slightly insulted that you'd save Jerry of all people when he's in danger and not me."
Ron gave Tom a stern look. "That's enough," he said. "April and I have discussed this and I told her to not get involved in a battle where I'm present unless she feels she absolutely has to. I enjoy testing my strength."
"Okaaaaaay," Tom said. "That's not weird at all."
Ron didn't say anything in response and Leslie noticed his knife was gone; it must have been put back to wherever on his person he normally had it stored. Ron gave her a look before moving back to his office and Leslie sighed, knowing that it was beyond her to refuse. She nodded her understanding and he gave her a shoulder a brusque little pat. It was sympathetic in a way that was so distinctly Ron but it did little to lift Leslie's spirits. The task before her was too horrifying.
When the door closed behind him, Leslie turned back to Tom and April. She forced a grin.
"So," she said with false brightness, "who's up for a trip to the library?"
X
April told her "No," point blank and so left only with a grumbling Tom because she didn't allow him to beg off, Leslie was forced to call in reinforcements: those reinforcements being, of course, her best friend and her boyfriend.
Leslie normally wasn't a sadistic person but something about the library just seemed to bring it out of her. If she was going to die braving the domain of the worst humanity had to offer, she refused to do so alone and that was that.
Ann and Ben heaved the exact same sigh when they met up with her and Tom in front of the library and Leslie tried not to feel irritated. She failed miserably upon hearing Ann's next words.
"I should've known," Ann said. "A life-or-death situation at the library? Could only translate to you not wanting to go the library alone and not there being an actual emergency."
"How can you say this isn't an emergency?" Leslie demanded, feeling hurt and betrayed. "It's the library, Ann! Nothing good lies behind those doors! You should know that by now."
Ann and Ben exchanged a look and it usually warmed her heart to see her two favorite people in the world on the same page but now it only served to irritate her further.
"Right," Ben said slowly. He looked as if he was going to say something more but a shocked whisper of "Are those cameras?" floated up to them and they all turned as one to see a group of kids.
The one who spoke, the girl, looked a little embarrassed at having been over-heard but smiled anyway. Leslie immediately found her adorable. It was hard not to, with the girl's short blonde hair and her bright red bow and cute pink dress. She even was carrying a teddy bear in her arms.
One of the boys stepped forward, the one with the baseball cap. He nodded at the cameras and grinned. "Are you a news crew?" he asked.
"Oh no," Leslie said with a laugh. Something about these kids made her mood lighten. They seemed like a good bunch and she wondered what they were doing at the library. "They're filming a documentary about the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department. Which is us! Well, me and Tom anyway. Ann's a nurse and works in Public Health and Ben is, well, he's Ben!"
The boy just nodded as if this all made perfect sense to him. There was nothing sarcastic about it and Leslie found herself strangely endeared. His grin had yet to leave his face; he looked like a carefree kid, one who enjoyed every minute of life, and Leslie suddenly wanted to warn them away. They clearly didn't know of the horrors that awaited them.
"Now you seem like a good group of kids and I can't in good conscience let you do something I'd feel you'd regret. So, kids, stay away from the library if you value your lives!"
The kids looked momentarily startled and Leslie was pleased, thinking that she had successfully gotten her message across. And it would have, she thought, if only Ann hadn't taken that as her cue to speak up.
"Sorry," Ann said, smiling awkwardly. "You'll have to excuse my friend. Leslie has a very, um, interesting relationship with library. She didn't mean anything by it and you'd all be safe if you went inside."
"I wouldn't say that. I'm with Leslie on this one," Tom said. "You should all get as far away from the library as possible. God knows the last thing I want to do is go in there."
"I can't believe you two are really trying to scare these kids off," Ben said. "I thought that getting the younger generation to read was supposed to be a good thing."
"It is!" Leslie exclaimed, insulted that this was even being called into question. "Don't get me wrong; I believe with all my heart that we should nurture a love of reading in the young. But there's also something about living to see another day and that's not gonna happen if they go inside."
The kids exchanged a look and something seemed to silently pass between them. The boy with the baseball cap spoke again: "We appreciate the warning, miss, really. But there's nothing in there we can't handle." He gave her a confident grin.
Leslie sighed, seeing no other choice. "Well, I guess we're just going to have to accompany you! What kind of person would I be if I just let a bunch of defenseless kids go in the mouth of hell alone?"
Ben rolled his eyes but he was smiling a little anyway. "Leslie means well. Her concern may be unfounded but her heart is in the right place."
"We were already going in the library anyway. Leslie's here on official government business. The rest of us are just along for the ride," Ann added.
The kids seemed to be deliberating silently again and Leslie wondered at how they seemed to communicate without words. Maybe they have psychic powers like April, Leslie thought with a grin. Nothing was impossible these days.
This time the girl was the one to speak up. "That should be fine," she said, but her smile slipped a bit when she looked at the cameras. "Um, are they coming too?"
"Oh yeah," Leslie said. "Don't worry, you get used to them real quick. I forget they're there half the time to be honest." She brightened as something suddenly occurred to her. She pivoted on her heel and her smile was wider than ever. "Oh, I almost forgot! We didn't get your names."
"I'm Paula," the girl volunteered. She shifted her teddy bear under her arm so she could give them a cute little wave and everything.
"Ness," the boy with the baseball cap said and then gestured to the two boys who had been silent up till now, content to stand back and watch. "And this is Jeff and Poo."
"Poo!?" Tom immediately burst out and started laughing something fierce. Leslie winced. "What kind of name is that?"
The boy in question had very impassive features, not showing any hint whatsoever that Tom's scorn had hurt him. Leslie sought to reassure him anyway. She can only imagine how much teasing he's gotten for his name throughout life.
"Ignore Tom! Really, Poo is a great name! Very unique. Never heard anything like it!" Leslie enthused.
The boy just inclined his head in her direction. Really, there was something weirdly regal about him and it was a bit funny how at odds it was with the name she had just defended. Poo didn't say anything but she thought that she could just make out a hint of a smile on his face.
"Right," she said, clapping her hands. "Well, the library waits for no one, kids. Because the library sucks and you could do better things than go there but there's a first time for everything, I guess."
X
They had all barely stepped through the doors before they were attacked. Leslie felt a sense of vindication at being proven right and would have spent some time gloating if books weren't suddenly flying off the shelves. They had nasty teeth too. Leslie immediately reached inside her bag to pull out one of her heaviest binders. Leaving the house without a weapon was foolishness; to enter the library without one was suicide.
She started whacking one before it could get close enough to her face and bite her.
"This is why you should never check out books from the library!" Leslie shouted.
She blinked at seeing a red light in the corner of her eye but didn't allow herself to be distracted, continuing to bash at the book with her binder. It twitched one last time and then it was just a regular plain old book again. Leslie warily prodded it with her foot, quickly moving it back in fear that it'd grow teeth once again and try to kill her. Nothing happened and she figured it was dead for good.
She quickly jerked her head up, her eyes widening when she realized she had completely forgotten about the kids. They widened in something other than fear when she saw the spectacle taking place before her eyes.
"So much for you needing to protect them, huh?" She heard Ben murmur to the right of her. She absently nodded and reached for his fingers. He squeezed her hand and they watched as the group of kids she had called defenseless less than ten minutes earlier fought like seasoned veterans. It was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. April's display of psychic abilities was nothing compared to these kids.
Paula, who before she had just thought of as a cute little girl, was a force of nature; fire springing from her hands and consuming a row of the murderous books all at once. The fire didn't spread, Leslie noticed; it was tightly controlled as to only extinguish the things that were a danger to her. And when she wasn't throwing fire she was calling down lightning or, what was quickly becoming Leslie's favorite, using a sort of freezing ability. As a feminist Leslie couldn't help but feel a sense of pride at seeing this little girl right in the thick of things, using her psychic powers or smashing at the books with her frying pan. Her strength, psychic and physical, was astonishing.
At first Poo seemed to have much of the same powers as Paula, but then he lifted his hands to the ceiling and stars started raining down out of nowhere. It cleared a path for him and he took out what little enemies remained with a wide arc of his sword. Leslie wondered where he kept it because really, how on earth did you keep a thing like that hidden. Ron's hunting knife was one thing but that was an actual real sword, not like the toy ones Ben had that were supposedly collector's items.
Her attention turned to Jeff. He seemed to be the only one out of the bunch without some sort of psychic ability but he wasn't any less impressive for it. In fact, his gangly appearance and dorky glasses belied a different sort of strength. He had all sorts of unique gadgets and gizmos that were making short work of their foes and Leslie gasped a little when at one point he whipped out a bazooka. She wondered how a kid like him, who didn't look any older than twelve or thirteen, got a hold of half the weapons in his arsenal. Surely no one in their right mind would be selling bottle rockets and things to kids their age, right?
And then there was Ness. In terms of raw strength he seemed to have the most and he attacked with a ferocity she would've never suspected he was capable of. He hardly seemed winded and went through his enemies with no trouble, swinging his baseball bat this way and that. He had psychic abilities too but didn't have the same offensive ones as Paula and Poo's. She didn't know exactly what the ability he just used was but whatever it was, it was extremely powerful. She had to resist the urge to clap afterward.
Leslie noticed that he always kept a close eye on his friends and she found herself inspired by the sheer teamwork the four of them had. They were actively supporting and defending each other the best they could. They were strong on their own but together they seemed undefeatable.
"Who the hell are these kids?" Tom asked, suddenly coming up behind them. Leslie wondered the same thing herself but figured the time could wait for questions. Not too long, though, because her curiosity was killing her.
Ness and his friends took out the remaining killer books and stood, waiting for more to appear. When none did, they glanced around for Leslie and she waved and grinned. Ness returned it.
"You guys were amazing!" she gushed. "I've never seen anything like that before in my life."
"Heh, thanks," Ness said, rubbing his neck almost sheepishly. "And wow, when you said this place was dangerous, you weren't kidding."
Ann and Ben groaned a bit at this but Leslie beamed. "Right? I totally warned you all but nooooooooo, did anyone listen?"
"Yeah, yeah, you were right," Tom said. "Now can we get the hell out of this joint before god knows what attacks us next?"
Leslie frowned and planted her hands on her hips. "We can't just leave them!" she protested, although a part of her felt sick at the prospect of staying in her most hated of places. "I made a promise."
Tom looked at her in disbelief and then gestured to the kids. "Leslie, I don't know if you've noticed, but these kids are killing machines. Us? Not so much. Like Ben's idea of a makeshift weapon was a fucking laser pointer."
"Language," Ann said harshly. "Kids, remember? And at least Ben did something. You hid until the fight was nearly over."
Tom rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he said.
Leslie looked at Ben curiously. "Is that what that red light was?" she asked and Ben flushed a little.
"It was all I had on me," he said defensively. "It seemed to do the trick anyway. It blinded them or something and Ann was able to take care of them with her lead pipe."
They all goggled a bit at Ann, who pulled said lead pipe from behind her back.
"Where on earth did you get that?" Leslie breathed.
"Weirdly enough, I found it in like a present in the corner?" Ann said, giving a little shrug. The normally harmless action looked a lot more threatening with the lead pipe in her hands. "I thought stuff like that only happened in video games."
They all thought about this for a second but shrugged a bit themselves. Living in Pawnee you just learned to go with the flow of things, and that had only been taken to new extremes as of late.
"I'm surprised you didn't have shuriken on you or something," Tom said to Ben with a smirk. "That seems like something an uber nerd like you would carry."
Ben opened his mouth, only for it to snap closed a moment later. "It pains me to say this but you're not entirely wrong," he said. "Considering how dangerous things are lately, I really should've been better prepared."
Leslie smiled tenderly at him, giving his hand a comforting squeeze. "It's okay, Ben. I bet you knew I'd protect you if anything happened."
Ben smiled back. "You were quite formidable with your binder," he said, the same softness in his eyes.
She saw Tom make fake gagging motions but Leslie and Ben only broke apart from staring dreamily at each other when she heard someone clear their throat. It was Ness. She noticed he and his friends looked a bit awkward and she felt a sudden rush of guilt. She wondered if he sensed this because he then gave her a reassuring smile.
"Um, Miss Parks Lady? We really appreciate the offer but it's not necessary. We've more than got it covered and I'd hate it if I put you and your friends in danger."
"Honestly, you'd be doing me a favor, if anything," she said. "I'm here on business, remember? I mean, I'm sure Ron would understand if we hightailed back because of the killer books and all. But it also seems like everything is trying to kill us lately so I don't know if that's a good enough excuse for not meeting Tammy."
Jeff suddenly stepped forward. He frowned and pushed his glasses up his nose and she got the feeling he did that whenever he was thinking seriously about something. Which could pretty much be always, Leslie thought. He seemed like that kind of kid.
"Wait, everything is trying to kill you?" he asked. "That's unusual. Usually we have things coming after us because Giygas' using his influence to manipulate people, animals, objects, what-have-you to stop us." A shadow seemed to cross his face then but he shook it off with relative quickness to continue. She noticed that some of it still lingered in his eyes, however. "Anyone who has been hurt has been connected to us or poses a threat to him in their own way."
Ness was frowning now too, looking like he was trying to work it over. He snapped his fingers all of a sudden. "Unless it's someone under his influence, like you said. A minion that's maybe acting on their own? I don't know why they'd be terrorizing the people in this town for, though. We just got here today."
"Well, they are under Giygas' control," Jeff said wryly. "When he has ever been opposed to terrorizing people? I can't imagine he cares who gets hurt so long as they accomplish his whims in the end."
Leslie officially had no idea what they were talking about and neither did her friends, judging by the equally confused look on their faces. Ness and his own friends grinned and they started striding forward, gesturing for Leslie's group to follow as they did so.
"Come on," Ness said. "We'll give you the cliff notes version while we walk."
X
"Man, if that's the cliff notes version? I can only imagine how juicy your tell-all book is going to be after all this," Tom said.
"Yeah, sign me up for a preorder right here and now," Leslie said, eyes so wide that she was afraid they'd just bug out of her head.
Ann was frowning sympathetically. "That's so much responsibility," she murmured. "You guys are so young and you're supposed to save the world? It just doesn't seem fair."
"We're not that young," Ness said, but not in an indignant sort of way. He puffed out his chest jokingly and smiled when they laughed. "I'm going to be fourteen soon!" He sobered up after a moment and said more seriously, "And besides, someone's got to, right? It might as well be us. I can't not lift a finger and just let the future Buzz-Buzz spoke of happen, not when it's in my power to do something about it."
His friends nodded and the same determined look was on their faces, the same grim look in their eyes. Leslie's chest tightened upon seeing it. They may be young but they were by far the bravest people she had ever met. It warmed her heart and hurt it all at the same time.
"It's so nice to see such passion in kids your age," Leslie said, after swallowing the lump in her throat. "More people in government should be inspired by your example. That's exactly the kind of attitude we need!"
"I don't know, Miss Knope," Ness said, smiling again. "I haven't known you very long but I think you're good on that front."
Ness refused to just call her Leslie, saying that his mother had raised him with better manners than that, and explained he had only called her Miss Parks Lady before because he didn't know her last name. Leslie told him she didn't mind; she had always liked being called Parks Lady, got a warm glow of satisfaction from it even. It was special and it was hers, all hers. But Ness was polite to a fault and refused so Miss Knope it was.
She knew they were a good bunch of kids when she first met them; she just hadn't known how much.
"So what are you guys doing in Pawnee?" Ben asked.
"We're looking for a book," Jeff said and then smiled a bit self-deprecatingly. "That much is obvious, seeing as how we're in a library, right? But we were told it was here and it's absolutely essential that we get it."
"Yeah, it was supposed to be in Onett, but we checked and it wasn't. I guess somehow or another it found its way here," Ness said.
Leslie hummed in thought. "Well, if it's a book you're looking for, then I guess we're going to need a librarian." She made a face. "Ugh, the ones here are so mean. But I guess it can't be helped."
"We might as well just ask Tammy when we see her," Ann said. "She can look it up on her computer or something."
"I'd rather take my chances with the killer books, thanks," Tom said.
Ann rolled her eyes. "Fine, then a random librarian it is."
"I haven't seen any," Paula said, sounding worried. "Not a single one. Do you think something happened to them?"
"Like they were attacked? Nah, if they're as mean as Miss Knope says, I doubt they'd be taken out by some books so easily," Ness said.
"They're not just regular books, though," Paula pointed out. "They had fangs and not everyone fights like we can. They could be seriously hurt."
Ness nodded and he had that look on his face again, the one he got when he was talking about his mission or when he was fighting in battle.
"I guess we'll just have to hurry then."
X
"Saying that was practically an invitation for battle," Ben said immediately after the fight was finished.
He trailed off at seeing Ness use his healing ability. Leslie could practically see the gears in his cute little head turning and wasn't surprised at all at what he said next. She recognized the look on his face as the same one Ben got whenever he talked about Game of Thrones or Star Trek and various other nerdy things.
He turned to Ness and said, "You know, it's really interesting to me that you and Poo are the ones with healing abilities while Paula has none."
"That's not entirely true," Paula said, speaking up before Ness had the chance. "I mean, I have defensive PSI the same as them. And my prayer can heal us sometimes."
"Emphasis on sometimes," Ness said with a grin. "It just seems to give us colds and other ailments more often than not."
Paula huffed but Leslie saw the smile she couldn't fully keep off her face as she turned her head away.
"That may be true, but from what I've seen of you in battle, you act in a mostly offensive capacity," Ben said. "You support with your defensive PSI but not to the extent that Ness and Poo do, which is due to the nature of their unique healing abilities. They have deadly PSI moves themselves but they're a mish-mash of offense and defense in a way that you just aren't."
Paula just stared at him, clearly not understanding what he was getting at. Ben sighed and shrugged a little self-consciously.
"Like I said it's just interesting is all. Typically the female of the group is the white mage type and that's not the case with you kids at all. Kind of cool how real life ended up being more subversive than most of the RPGs I've played."
Tom started laughing ridiculously hard. "Oh my god, you did not just seriously use the word 'subversive' in a sentence. Ben, you are such a freaking nerd."
Leslie smiled at Paula, who was still looking a bit baffled. "What my ridiculously nerdy boyfriend is trying to say is that you being the psychic powerhouse of the team rocks."
"Oh," Paula said, and then looked enormously pleased. She smiled slyly in Ness' direction; he looked almost as pleased as Paula at Ben's words of praise for her. "Well, I can't say it's not nice to be appreciated."
X
"You were right, Miss Knope!" Ness shouted as he deftly moved out of reach of the librarian trying to frantically whack him with a ruler. "The librarians here are really mean!"
"No shouting in the library!" the librarian screeched.
"Oh, right, because you were totally just whispering," Leslie said, rolling her eyes as she bashed the one nearest to her with her binder. The librarian she was facing's ruler snapped in half and it made her curl up on the ground like a piece of her soul had withered away and died. The sight was so delicious that Leslie couldn't help but grin.
"You've always said this place was hell on earth, Leslie," Ann said as she swung her lead pipe, wincing every time it connected with flesh. Leslie figured the nurse in her best friend didn't allow for her to like hurting people, even if they happened to be controlled by forces of evil. "I never understood just what that meant until today."
"Oh, Ann, it makes me so happy to hear that!" Leslie beamed and the sound of her cackle split the air as they continued to beat back the librarians. "Take that, you punk ass book jockeys!"
X
Of all the unbelievable things that had been happening lately, Leslie had no trouble believing this at all. If anything, it made perfect sense, she thought, somehow managing to dodge a bookcase that Tammy was able to hurtle with freakish strength.
Of course Tammy was the minion under Giygas' influence; Leslie was only surprised she hadn't come to that conclusion sooner. This had been yet another one of her schemes, just on a much grander scale and with the fate of good and evil hanging in the balance. The influx of hippies was another way of annoying Ron. When that wasn't enough, they quickly turned homicidal. (Tammy had merely shrugged when they brought up them attacking random Pawnee citizens: "Honestly, Leslie, you try controlling a homicidal hippie and then get back to me, okay? None of these things are exactly higher-thinking so a little collateral damage is to only be expected here.")
And she wasn't satisfied just terrorizing Ron; no, she had to go after the whole Parks Department and send all sorts of weird things to kill them. When her plans didn't succeed, she thought she'd settle things in person, once and for all.
"Never send a minion to do something that you can't do yourself," Tammy had chirped before throwing her desk at them and that's pretty much how they got to be in their present situation.
Yup, Leslie thought again. It made entirely too much sense.
Tammy suddenly clutched at her ears and howled in pain; Tom had pressed an app on his phone that mimicked a gunshot noise. Leslie had no idea how that ended up being effective but it worked so she guessed she shouldn't over-think it.
Ben, she saw, was also getting in some laser pointer action. He shone the light in her eyes and Tammy was temporarily blinded. Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Poo had it covered offensively and she and her friends were mainly focused on dodging whatever the hell Tammy threw at them next. But Leslie still wanted to get a few whacks in with her binder before Tammy turned back to normal. When would she ever get an opportunity like this again?
She caught Poo's eye; she felt like she had a little connection with him after defending his name. She widened her eyes and kept jerking her head at Tammy. She hoped he understand what she was trying to say and, if not, well, he was psychic. Hopefully he could read her intentions that way.
He nodded after a moment, his mouth curled up in a smirk. Bless kid psychics, Leslie thought, grinning at him. In the blink of an eye, Poo was out in front and used PSI Freeze to solidify Tammy's body long enough for Leslie to get behind her and whack her a dozen times with her binder.
"This is for the Parks Department!" Leslie yelled, pumping a fist in triumph. She thought this might just be one of the happiest days of her life.
X
There really wasn't much of a difference between Tammy possessed and Tammy not possessed, Leslie reflected afterward. Well, the not chucking things at you was an admittedly big change but, other than that, everything else was pretty much the same. The deviousness and the air of superiority remained and she actually tried to laugh off trying to kill the Parks Department. In a beat she was feigning remorse, but none of it rang true.
Leslie sighed and guessed that evil would always be evil.
In the end Ness and his friends got the book they came for, the Overcoming Shyness one. She offered to treat the kids to JJ's before they skipped town but they said that they really had to be on their way. Leslie really didn't want to see them go so soon but they had a world to save. It felt tragic to her that there couldn't be time for them to eat waffles, though.
She took turns hugging all of them but Ness was the only one who lingered in her embrace. When she pulled back to look at him she saw something sad and wistful touch his eyes. He smiled embarrassedly and scrubbed at them.
"Sorry, Miss Knope," Ness said. "It's just...you remind me of my mom. She's really upbeat and has the same take-no-prisoners attitude as you." He laughed suddenly. His eyes were a little dryer now, a little less sad. "I think you'd two get along great if you ever met each other!"
Leslie was getting a bit teary-eyed herself but she blinked them back the best she could. "Yeah?" she said with a grin. "Well, I'd love to meet her someday. Any mom who raised a kid as strong and brave as you could be nothing short of amazing."
Ness nodded, matching her grin in size. "She is amazing," he said. "The best mom in the whole world."
Leslie felt warmth well up inside her chest for these kids, one that had become all too common throughout their short acquaintance. She stepped back and watched them link hands. They were getting ready to do the teleport thing they had told them about but she couldn't let them go without saying one last thing.
"You come back to Pawnee any time, you hear? That goes for all of you," Leslie said, making sure to look them each in the eye. "I know you've got a world to save right now but don't be a stranger afterwards, okay?"
They smiled and nodded and then they disappeared from her life as quickly as they had appeared. Leslie and her friends lingered a bit, staring at the place where these kids had stood only seconds earlier.
But life in Pawnee goes on, even without homicidal hippies and sunglasses-wearing crows plaguing your every step.
"I'm starving," Tom said.
"JJ's does sound amazing right now," Ben added.
"Yeah, beating up librarians really takes a lot out of you," Ann said wryly.
They all turned an expectant look on Leslie, who beamed at seeing her friends were also of like mind.
"We deserve victory waffles."
notes: I've had this posted to ao3 for forever but decided to crosspost it over here as well. I don't know what the chances are that people who watch Parks and Rec have played Earthbound and vice versa but it just weirdly works I think. The comedic tones of both series work together so well. Plus couldn't resist the chance to write April as the world's laziest PSI user.