What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror,
the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention
so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because
they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul
mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates
purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your
heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your
life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…"
―Elizabeth Gilbert
What Hurts the Most
"What's wrong?" Gale asks, hovering again. That's all he's done since he found out. It's sweet, but at the same time, I wish he'd stop. We're sitting under our old oak tree. We used to climb it, but we don't do that anymore. I miss it. I miss being care-free. Care-free with nothing but time; time to figure out what the hell we were gonna do and how we were going to do it. We don't have very much of that now.
I glance at the watch on my wrist for what's gotta be the thirty-fifth time. 5:49. Eleven minutes. Eleven minutes until he comes out of the ground in one of those god-awful elevators. As if I wasn't stressed out already.
I pace back and forth under one of the fairly young cherry blossom tree's that decorates the side of the mountain. The sun hangs hot in the sky, and the small tree's shade offers a bit of comfort from it's scorching heat. They are just starting to bloom, and the white leaves of the tree offer a bit of brightness to the mountainsides gloomy, soot-covered grayness.
How's he going to take it, I wonder? Will he stay, or is my father right? What will I do if he decides he wants nothing to do with me, wants nothing to do with us? My hands shake against my own will, so I brush them through my hair to calm my nerves. It's the longest eleven minutes of my life, but finally, miners start pouring out from the side of the mountain. It takes forever, a never-ending stream of miners, and when I'm beginning to think that maybe he isn't going to come up because there's no way possible there can be anymore down there, there he is. Gale Hawthorne, covered in soot, and as breathtakingly beautiful as the day I first saw him. For the first time all day, I am able to breathe again.
His eyes land on mine immediately, as if drawn to one another by some invisible force, a chord strung between us. No, not a chord. A chain. An unbreakable chain. His eyes brighten, and his steps quicken. His mind blowing smile is impossible to resist, the sparkling teeth contrasting magnificently against the soot-stained expanse of his russet skin. Immediately, he wraps me in his arms, picking me up and setting a kiss on my lips that steals my breath away.
Everything is okay again.
Everything is going to be okay.
"Gale, could we go somewhere private for a little while?" I ask, remembering the reason I came to meet up with him today in the first place.
"Hmm, somewhere private, huh?" He implores, his hands moving to grip my waist in that way that I just love. He presses deeper into the skin there, and I almost forget why I came... again. I look into his eyes, only to see that he's wagging his eyebrows suggestively. I roll my eyes good-naturedly and shake my head.
"Too talk."
He smiles still, anyway. "I need to check my snares anyway. Can we go by my house first though?"
"Sure, sure, that's fine." I say dismally. I'm just wanting to get this over with already. I can only take so much stress, and I'm sure my blonde hair is already turning white. He takes my hand with his own, and leads me to his house. We don't talk on the way. I feel as though we're moving too fast. Can I tell him? Will I be able to get it out of my mouth? It takes no time for us to get to his house, and I opt to stay sitting out on the front porch stairs while he gets changed. It doesn't take him a minute, and then we're on the way to the woods again. On the way to our privacy.
"What'd you wanna talk about?" Gale asks, wasting no time. He hasn't even stopped walking, and we're almost to his first snare.
"How was, um," I stutter miserably, "how was your day?"
He glances at me sideways, but keeps up his fast pace. "Madge, just spit it out."
"I seriously doubt that's how you'd want me to tell you." I say, barely audible. It gets his attention though. He stops, and actually turns to look at me. His eyes stare straight into mine, and I can't help feeling like I'm about to ruin his life. I see it running off in the distance, and I don't know how to get it to come back, but I have to tell him.
"Madge?" His eyebrows are furrowed in confusion, and it's utterly adorable. I want to smooth his forehead with my fingers, but I stay where I am, and my hands don't touch him.
I can't help it, tears start to fall from my eyes, and as soon as they start, there is no stopping them. It's like a dam has been let loose from my body, and while I want to stop, it just feels so good to get it all out. Gale is beside me in half of a heartbeat, taking my face in his hands, forcing me to look up at him. My hands leave my sides, and slowly move up my body. His eyes search mine frantically, looking for any kind of answer hidden there.
"Madge, baby," he begs, "you have to tell me what's wrong. Are you hurt? Are you sick? What..."
His eyes have caught what my arms are doing: wrapping around my belly protectively.
"Gale, I'm pregnant."
He says nothing. He doesn't even breathe. I don't say anything either, scared I'll set him off. His hands haven't left my face, and his eyes remain glued to my belly. It feels as though we stay this way for forever. I wish that I knew what was going through his head, that stubborn head of his. I wish I could read those gorgeous, magical grey eyes, but they remain emotionless and stormy.
Still, I give him time, because I know that's what he needs.
Finally, he looks back into my eyes, but I still can't read the emotions flitting through his eyes and over his face. "You're sure?"
"As positive as I can be while living in the districts." I reply evenly.
"You went to Mrs. Everdeen?" He asks.
I nod. His hands leave my face, and he turns away from me for a second, before turning back around. He doesn't look up to my face, but keeps his gaze trained onto his face.
"Shit. Shit, Shit, Damn it!" I flinch, and he notices. He calms down instantly, but his reaction doesn't surprise me. It's the least of what I expected. Gale is irrational, flighty, a hot-head. I'm surprised he hasn't run off to think, surprised that he is here, not that I really think he would leave me, but just to think things through, to calm down.
He stays quiet for a minute. I don't have anything to say. Even if I did, I wouldn't know how to say it. I doubt I'd be able to with this wad of cotton shoved down my mouth.
"Are you wanting to keep it?"
My gaze shoots up to meet his. How could he even question that? I nod my head tersely, scowling at him, daring him to say otherwise. He doesn't have to stick around, but I'm definitely not going to kill my baby.
"Thought so," is all he says.
Five weeks. That was all five weeks ago, and still the only person that knows is Mrs. Everdeen. It's almost come out a few times, specifically when Posy jumps into my lap too harshly or when Thom tries to pick on me too roughly, which we used to do on the regular. Not anymore.
"What's wrong?" Gale asks again.
I stay mute. Is this going to work? Will we still be as in love as we are now, fifty years down the road? Will we even be in love one year from now? What if he winds up resenting me?
"Is it your dad?" He questions.
"No," I say instantaneously with a shake of my head.
"Well then what is it?"
"Do you ever think of the future, Gale?"
He doesn't answer right away, but it's kind of a stupid question. Of course he's thought of the future. He's probably thought about it more these past five weeks than he has in his entire life.
"What do you see?" I ask.
He looks down at me, his arm snaking around the back of my neck. His fingers grip and massage the base of my head softly, resolving my tension headache almost instantly, and directing my eyes to look into his own.
"You. I see you."
I smile, possibly the most grand smile that has escaped my face since I found out. I crane my head further, and press a light, happy kiss to those perfect lips. They're so pliable, conforming to the shape of my own lips like a puzzle piece. He's the perfect fit to me, my perfect other half.
"We have to tell them, Madge. We can't keep hiding it. You're sick all the time, your clothes are getting smaller." He urges. I'm a little over three months along now, and I'd been telling him that I didn't want to tell anybody because there was a chance I could miscarry. We'd even gone to talk to Mrs. Everdeen about it, who swore secrecy. His arms go around my waist, and he pulls me closer to him. I don't fit perfectly between his hips anymore because of the bulge that is slowly starting to make itself presentable between my own hips. I know that he's right. I know we can't keep it a secret for forever, and the sooner the better.
"Your awesome rack is gonna give it away before you do if we don't do it soon, babe." He winks.
I roll my eyes, and look away to laugh, crossing my arms because I know they make the view even greater for him.
"As long as we can tell your mom first..." I barter.
"Deal."
"What do you mean pregnant, Gale Hawthorne?" Hazelle screeches. I'm positive the nosy neighbors can hear her, and I can't help hiding my face in my hands. I think I'm gonna be sick.
"Mom, chill out, I've got it all sorted out. As soon as Madge turns eighteen, we're gonna get married, get a house. It's all gonna work out."
She calms down just a bit, but it doesn't help any of my nauseousness, so my head ends up staying between my knees. Hazelle stays quiet for a few moments.
"Gale," her voice has changed to pleading, "honey, we can't afford another mouth to feed right now."
What does she want us to do? What does she want him to do? Leave me? Have me care for this baby all by myself?
"I'm not going to leave my baby, mom." Gale growls lowly.
"I'm not saying leave it, Gale."
I stand up, and run to the bathroom. I can't hear anymore of this.
"You might not can afford a baby, but I can." I hear him say behind me, then I hear his footsteps follow the same path as mine. My head is stuck in the toilet, bile burning my throat on its way up from my stomach. He takes my hair in one hand and uses the other to rub soothing circles against my back.
"I'm not leaving, Madge. Ever." He whispers into my ear. He says it with such conviction, I instantly believe him.
"Get out." His face is red, quickly on it's way to turning purple.
"Dad!" I exclaim, looking between him and Gale.
"Out, boy, now!" He yells. I've never heard him scream like that in my life. Gale grabs his jacket, and starts to make his way to the door.
"Gale? Gale, where are you going?" I ask in a panic.
"Shh, Madge it's okay. He needs to calm down. Let him process it." Gale soothes, tucking a stray strand of blonde hair back behind my ear.
"I SAID LEAVE!" My dad bellows, grabbing the umbrella beside the door and swinging it around like a club. Gale jumps off the porch, quickly making his way back to the mines, where his lunch break is about to end.
"Go pack your stuff, Madge. We're going to the capitol."
"What?" I look between him and my mother, who has stayed sitting quietly on the couch the entire time. She flinches. "You can't do that!" I screech as loud as I can.
"I'm your father, I can do whatever the hell I want!"
My face becomes hard as stone. "Good luck with that."
I march up to my room, and slam the door as hard as I possibly can. The room shakes, hell, the whole house might have shook. I grab a bag and start throwing my stuff into it. I'm not packing for the capitol though. I'll go to the Everdeen's. They'll let me stay there until I turn eighteen, and then Gale and I will get married and start a life of our own. With, or without, our parents.
"It's not true." I whisper. My mothers sits with her hands covering her face on the bed, my father stays stony against the wall, his face held in a grimace. I feel the tears escape from my eyes, see my father move from foot to foot in the mirror, hear my mother let out an earthshattering sob.
"It's not true." My voice breaks as I dissolve into a blubbering mess. I catch his eyes in the mirror, and turn with such ferociousness that his eyes widen.
"You did this!" I screech, my voice scratching. "You made him leave! I hate you!" I shove him with all of my might into the wall. My mother looks up from her hands, but just sobs harder. I continue to hit my father, which results in him trying to restrain my arms.
"Say it! Say you hate him! Say it!" My father is crying now. He's gotten his arms wrapped around me, constricting me. I don't want them there. I'm full out sobbing to the point I can't control it, and I try as hard as I can to break free from his grasp, but he holds on so tight. He's keeping me together. Constricting me to the point where it just feels better to let him hug me, even though I feel the greatest kind of hate there is for this man.
"Liar!" I sob, mercilessly, "liar!"
They say that it was a mine collapse that killed him. It killed 42 others too, Bristol being one of them. Thom is almost as heartbroken as I am, and that's when I learned how deep in the mines he had gone for me, for our family. He was all the way at the bottom, where you made the most money. He was down there for me and our son, to try and give us the best life that he could have given us. He'd been down there in the most dangerous part of the mines since the day I told him I was pregnant. I lost my rock that day. And I haven't been the same since. Not the day his mother came and apologized to me, not the day that my mother told me how sorry she was for not trying to control my father. Not even the day my precious Liam was born. I know his father will never look into his gorgeous blue eyes and be able to share with me all the love, joy, and even worry that our lives together will bring.
My father has said he was sorry, dissolved into tears, but I can't forgive him yet. Maybe one day, but not right now.
When I said forever, I meant it. I will never love another like I loved Gale. My puzzle piece in life is forever gone, to be unburied many years from now when the capitol decides that they need more coal.
I don't know what the future holds for me; I don't know what to look for anymore. All I'd ever seen there was Gale, waving and smiling back and encouraging me to keep going.
Depressing, I know. Sorry. Not. If you go watch the music video for the song that this fic is based on, be ready to ball your daggum eyes out. I hope everybody enjoyed, and please leave reviews. 3 They make my world go 'round, and may help me get the motivation to update a few of my other fics(;
XOXO
Can'tBreatheIfYourNotHere