Nimble fingers turned the pages of the Einheitsübersetzung, with its wearing leather binding and faded rice paper pages. "Am Anfang schuf Gott Himmel und Erde. Und die Erde war wüst und leer, eine Finsternis über das tief war, mit einem göttlichen Wind über das Wasser fegt." Again, blue lips moved to repeat the words, this time without looking down at the time-worn pages. He had read this book, this passage enough times to repeat it without looking, to recite it without prompting, without help. The words of the Einheitsübersetzung had been Kurt Wagner's only source of solace during his time in the Munich Circus. Despite his demonic appearance, despite the scorn people had placed upon over the past sixteen years of his life. Through all of the turmoil and pain and hatred and ridicule and condemnation he had endured, the word of God still touched his heart and made him believe that he had a place where he belonged. He knew, because of his appearance, that he was a sin, unable to enter Heaven without penance to right all that was wrong with him. That is why, upon his horrible visage and body he had carved the symbols of the angels. In hopes that in his death God may see his attempts at purifying himself and grant him acceptance and entrance into the holy afterlife.
Across from the blue-skinned boy sat Scott, watching him from behind red-tinted shades. With them, he could hide where his gaze truly was. Scott watched Kurt's lips move, made a deep violet from how the colours of his glasses and Kurt's skin mixed. He wanted to see the other without them on, but it was a fool's dream... Shivers ran down Scott's spine as the thick accent of Kurt's German filed the air. Despite Kurt's attempts at staying quiet, nobody else in the study was making a sound except for the occasional turning of pages or scratches of pens and pencils on paper. Scott was too distracted by Kurt reading to continue with his studies, instead finding more interest in listening to the foreign words from Kurt's book. He didn't know what it was, but if Kurt was reading aloud from it, that was all that mattered.
"Mein Gott," Kurt breathed after a while, looking up to find Scott staring at him. His heart fluttered and heat rose to his cheeks and pointed ears. He sent a small prayer Heaven-ward, thanking God that blushes did not show up well on his blue and scarred complexion. He knew that Scott was staring right at him; he had felt it and- in all honesty- that is what had pulled him away from reading the word of God. To find the source of who had been staring at him. He wished he had kept reading. After a while, he felt the heat of Scott's stare become to strong to continue to pretend to be reading. Try as he might, he could not keep his focus on the words in front of him, instead, his mind drifted to other topics. To Scott. He stood abruptly, the chair he was in squeaking suddenly and causing heads to pop up from books and curious looks to pierce him. Kitty scowled from her spot in the study. "Could you, like, be any louder?"
"Verzeihung," he breathed, bowing slightly in shame before scurrying out of the study. He wasn't all too sure why he had stood look that; it was almost like he had panicked. But there had been no need and by the name of God what was wrong with him? His heart was hammering and his ears were ringing and he frantically needed to sit down or scream. Before he could teleport to his room or a few miles away from the institute, a firm hand grabbed the wrist of the hand still holding his Bible. His skin bristled and his fur stood on end as he turned to face Scott. Usually, he would feel relief at seeing the other, but right now, it only heightened his sense of panic. Lines crossed Scott's forehead and he was frowning some, eyebrows drawn up in concern. Enough as to peak over his sunglasses some. "Kurt, you alright?"
"Ja, am fine," he hissed, trying to pull his hand away. "Wunderbar. Why?" He knew- to anyone with even just a handful of brain cells- it was painfully obvious that he was indeed not fine. But he didn't quite understand how to convey what he was feeling and with Scott's presence, these feelings and emotions only stirred further and became more complex to decipher.
"Why? Because you just shot out of there like a bat out of hell. That's why. You're jumpy and I can see something's up in your eyes. Talk to me." Scott was concerned, for sure. And maybe it was because Kurt was tugging away from his grip and instead of releasing him he was tightening it because Kurt had never rejected a touch from him before. Something was bothering the little elf and Scott was worried that it was something bad. Had he done something wrong?
"A bat out of...? Wha- no, never mind. An 'expression of speech', I am certain." With Scott's hand become tighter around his wrist, Kurt could almost swear that his heart could be heard down the hallways. "There is just... there is a lot on my mind und I have to sort it out. I do not know how to explain it to you."
"Can you try?" Scott looked around. "Would you like to go somewhere more private and talk? As team leader, I'm supposed to make sure everyone is okay, and I don't just mean on the battle field. I'm not just someone who gives orders out there. I'm your friend, so please talk to me."
Kurt swallowed, and then the smell of sulfur filled the air and a sharp bamf of air filling the void of where the two bodies once stood echoed down the corridors. They were in Kurt's room. Scott dropped his hand from Kurt's wrist and sat down on the edge of the bed whilst Kurt went to his nightstand to replace the Bible into its proper spot. "What is that? The book?"
Kurt glanced at it then back to Scott. "It is a German Catholic Bible. It is called the Einheitsübersetzung."
"Ein... height... zoo... ber... son?" Scott repeated, giving Kurt a sad look as if to apologise for butchering the German pronunciation. "I didn't know you were religious," he said after a moment and it suddenly dawned on him that there was little he knew about Kurt.
"Ja. Back in Munich- at the Circus- a friend of mine's sister brought the Einheitsübersetzung in from a hospital she worked at. Most people there had abandoned any faith they might have held at first. It was a horrible place. Aber, my friend was not there solely by force, more to make money. And his sister would visit often to provide physicals. She brought it in and would read it to us. She left it one day and when she returned, I asked her to teach me to read. Mind you, I was seven or eight at the time. She taught me to read, to spell, to count higher than zehn. I read it und... it was one of the first times I did not feel alone and rejected." He coughed slightly, realising he had said more than he meant to.
"That's... wow. I've never been religious but... The fact that it was something you had to keep hope. I'm glad you found it."
Kurt smiled some, a fang showing. "Ja. I am also glad I found it. I think, without it, that I would not be the person that I am today. Or that I might not even be here. It is strange to think that at one point, I was ready to..." He coughed again, seeing a strange look flash across Scott's face.
"You were going to kill yourself?" His words were soft, gentle, almost scared. Like someone talking to an animal that they didn't want to set off in fear of one or both of them getting hurt. Kurt suddenly realised how horrible his life sounded. And- in all honesty- it was.
"Nein, I mean ja but not because of the circus! No; the circus was not bad. Not until it got out that I was not wearing a Kostüm and it was only because of the new ringleader. He was a horrible man and became angry when I refused to act violent in order to keep people coming in to see me. He sold me after that and that's when... That's when I began to lose my faith. But I took the book with me and read it and recited it and kept it close to my heart. People do not need to believe in God. What matters is that I do and that I obey him and that I trust in Him. He is my God and I am His creation. He has a plan for me and for everyone else and it is up to everyone else to decided whether or not they believe in Him. That is not my call. Do not think I tell you this story, tell you about my faith to try and convert you. God has only ever said to spread and teach His word, not to enforce it upon others. I am not God and I may not judge others if they do not believe in Him. For that is their choice, just as it is mine to believe."
Scott was overwhelmed by Kurt's words. Too often had he been preached to by people with no other reason other than to attempt to convert him. And here Kurt was, alive and breathing after everything he had even been through, still faithful but not chastising Scott for remaining without religion, not trying to get him to convert and practice. Kurt was honestly too god damned pure for this world. Hi heart skittered a bit. "But this isn't what's wrong, is it?"
"It... it leads up to it." Kurt looked out his window before sitting down, his back to Scott. "I have always done my best to follow the word of God. I remained peaceful und kind und always helpful, even when mobs chased me out of towns, even when I went days without eating. Even when the ringleader brought out his whip und blamed me for our diminished ticket sales because nobody wanted to see a freak like me. I remained faithful even when locked up in a box that did not allow me to teleport because of its electrical field around it. Even when I was beaten und battered und bruised, on the brink of death countless times. Und then I came here. I learned to fight und fight I did. I have hurt far more people than people have hurt me since I became an X-men. Und I do not blame any of you. But... I am struggling." He sighed, dropping his head. "I did not want to fight; I do not want to fight. I dislike hurting people, even if they have done me or my friends wrong. I am not God. It is not my place to punish those who I believe deserve it because it is not my place to judge them. It is God's. Und I feel like I am betraying my God by doing what we do. By fighting und deceiving und even killing!" He brought his hands to his face, covering his eyes. "Ich habe das Monster alle werden beschuldigt mich zu sein!"
Scott knew very little German, but he was certain he heard 'monster' in the last bit of Kurt's words. "Hey, now, Kurt. You... You aren't a monster. Not to me, not to the other X-men, or the Professor or... or to God." He didn't know how to comfort the other, especially because the topic was mainly about religion. "If God is the all-loving being people make him out to be, then he should love you regardless of any sins you've made. He... He doesn't think Lucifer is a monster, now does he?" He hoped he got that right.
There was a pause from Kurt, who, from behind his hands, answered. "No... Even though Lucifer tried to turn against God, He still loves him." He straightened his back. "But there is so much more to this, Scott. So much I cannot... " He made a noise of frustration and had the circumstances been different, Scott would have found it highly endearing. "There is something..." Again, the sound angrier this time. "I cannot enter Heaven without penance. Und I have tried und sometimes, to this day, I continue to try. But I cannot do it all und I cannot ask someone for help because they wouldn't understand und I don't... I don't want to go to Hell, Scott. I am scared." His voice grew soft, quiet, and so... so desperate.
And Scott couldn't hide it anymore. He crawled over the rest of the bed, sat beside Kurt, and cupped his face. He felt the other's velvety soft fur beneath his hand, the rigid bumps and swirls and lines of the scars beneath his thumb. And then he felt the softness of the other's lips against his and everything felt right in the world. Kurt's breath was war and wet from tears as he breathed out against the kiss and at first his lips were motionless but then he was responding and everything was right in the world and everything was right, everything was right, and maybe there was a God.
And then Kurt was pulling away so fast that Scott saw white instead of red and a lou filled the room and he was against the window shaking and tears were rolling faster down his face than Scott thought humanly possible. Then he realised that Kurt was crying because of him and he felt horrible and sick and his gut was growing hot with guilt and horror at what he had just done. "Kurt I-"
"Leave me alone."