Villains Anonymous
MASTER: We really need to get a day job.
ADAM: You can't, you'd burn up.
MASTER: Don't you tease!
ADAM: What're you going to do? Hypnotize me? OOHHH!
MASTER: You never know.
ADAM: Say, where's Wilkins? And Faith?
MASTER: They're coming, they're coming. What is it with impatience in human/demon hybrids these days?
ADAM: Watch it, or I'll get Willow to cast a spell on you.
MASTER: Yes, surprisingly effective.
ADAM: There they are!
FAITH: Yo. Where's B?
WILKINS: Why do you keep saying that?
FAITH: You know...
WILKINS: No.
FAITH: C'mon, yes you do!!
WILKINS: .. No.
FAITH: Fine, then. I'm five by five. B.
MASTER: Oh, shut up! Slayers and their fancy modern talk..
FAITH: Five by five. B. Five by five. B.
WILKINS: Faith, sweetie, shut the heck up.
ADAM: I heard Willow's coming. Special appearances by The First?
SPIKE: Hi there!
DRUSILLA: Hello, there. Mummy's here.
WILKINS: Oh god. The Brit and his crazy whore.
FAITH: Five by five. B. Five by five. B.
DRUSILLA: Five what, kitten?
ADAM: Another thing I never understood. Why do you crazy Brits say kitten? And bullocks? And mollycoddle? Geez, couldja be more British?
FAITH: Five by five. B. Five by five. B. ANGELUS: Hey, there, folks! Why am I here?
MASTER: Because you were sent here.
ANGELUS: So, how is everyone? Adam? Mr. Mayor? Faith?
FAITH: Five by-
WILKINS: Five. Yeah, we got that part.
MASTER: Now, we have assembled forces to stop Buffy and her stupid little army of Potential Slayers. Where's our primary Big Bads?
FAITH: Fighting B?
ADAM: I think I'm going to explode if I hear Faith say that again.
FAITH: B.
ADAM: Ha!
FAITH: Five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five....
ADAM: Still.. didn't.. get.. me..
FAITH: .....Five by five.
Adam explodes.
FAITH: Heh heh! Gets 'em every time. All dressed up in big sis' clothes. Give us a kiss.
MASTER: That girl has a tendency to make no sense a lot.
WILLOW: Tell me about it!
MASTER: Ah, Willow! What a relief. We thought you wouldn't make it. How are you?
WILLOW: I'm.. five by five.
MASTER: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The Master clutches his heart, falls down, then gets back up.
FAITH: What are you, the narrator? B. Keys to the cuffs. We alone here, Lester? You played me. Big, high rock. Forty feet up. You're wicked gross. Five by five.
ANGELUS: Who suggests we kill her? One Big Bad down.. What's one Big Bad more or less?
FAITH: I'm not the Big Bad! No! Don't kill me...!!!!. ............ B.
Willow shoots a spell at her.
WILLOW: Shut UP!
SPIKE: Okay, have we assembled? Can we start this bloody meeting? Wanker. Mollycoddle. Blighter. Soddin'. Fag off. Kitten. Luv. AHHHH! I'm too British.
WILLOW: You're tellin' me. Where's The First?
CALEB: The First couldn't make it. I'm here representin' it.
WILKINS: Oh, not this country hick priest! He's got dirt under his finger nails. Very unclean.
ANGELUS: Yeah, go play your banjo and shoot people with your boomstick.
CALEB: Now, I don't appreciate this!
GLORY: Whoa, sorry I'm late.
CALEB: Who the hell are you?
GLORY: *morphs* Ben.
ANGELUS: Kick-ass! How'd ya do that?!
BEN: I'd'know.
WILKINS: You d'know? How do you d'know?
BEN: I just don't. You know, d'know.
DRUSILLA: Mummy wants to play with her kittens. Luv, let's dance. My hair is going to fall off.
SPIKE: Not now, Dru. Go practice saying British words.
DRUSILLA: But I'm already British!
BEN: No, you're just insane.
SPIKE: Oh, sod off. Go change into a girl again you ruddy transvestite.
Ben looks down at his clothes. A red dress. He blushes.
BEN: Oh yeah? *morphs into Glory* I have bugs crawling in my head!
CALEB: Huh? Oh, doesn't that usually mean you're going to...
GLORY: Yes. Yes it does.
She seizes Caleb, pushes her fingers into his head, sucks out his sanity. She sighs.
GLORY: That's better.
ANGELUS: Another Big Bad down. Gosh, Gloryficus, filled your crazy people quota yet?
GLORY: Shut it, you. Go draw a picture of a sleeping person, okay?
ANGELUS: Let's see. Buffy's mom is dead. Sunnydale's a huge crater... and I left my good pencils in that hell hole. Oh well.
WILLOW: Is anybody else feeling the weirdness?
MASTER: What weirdness?
WILLOW: Shut up!
Conjurs a stake and dusts The Master.
WILLOW: Any more questions?
GLORY: Yeah, um, what weirdness?
WILLOW: I said shut up!
Conjurs a storm of knives. They charge Glory, much like "Tough Love" where Willow wreaks vengeance because of Tara's unfortunate brain-mixings, re: Glory.
GLORY: I'm a goddess, Witchy Woman. Knives can't hurt me.
WILLOW: Oh yeah?
GLORY: Yeah..
WILLOW: Can they hurt Ben?
Willow raises a hand and Ben reappears in the red dress. Blushes furiously.
BEN: .Oh, sh---
Before he can form the words, knives slice him into twenty pieces horizontally.
ANGELUS: Ouch. One more Big Bad down.
WILLOW: Jeez, stop saying that, or I'll restore your soul!
DRUSILLA: Mummy wants to play with her kittens!
WILKINS: God, woman, is that all you say?
Drusilla pouts silently.
SPIKE: Isn't there supposed to be some kind of meeting here? Regarding defeating that super-slut Buffy Summers?
WILKINS: I whole-heartedly agree. Dating the undead, not in the least tasteful. And the sex! At seventeen! Can you say 'unwanted pregnancy'?
WILLOW: Unwanted pregnancy.
WILKINS: No, you weren't actually supposed to... yeah.
WILLOW: No, you weren't actually supposed to... yeah.
WILKINS: Stop it.
WILLOW: Stop it.
WILKINS (and Willow at the same time): I'm a little teapot short and.
WILKINS (Willow, same time): STOCKY!
WILKINS (Willow, same time): Darn it.
WILKINS (Willow, same time): Stop copying me!
WILKINS: Willow's stupid.
WILLOW: No I'm not!
WILKINS: No I'm not!
WILLOW: No, not... stop!
WILKINS: No, not. stop!
WILLOW: AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!
WILKINS: AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!
ANGELUS: Okay, okay, we get it. Stop the copycat game.
WILLOW: You're going down!
WILKINS: You're going DOWN!
WILLOW: No, see, you added the emphasis. It doesn't work that way.
WILKINS: Oh, sorry.
WILLOW: Oh, sorry.
WILKINS: Oh, no...
WILLOW: Oh, no...
ANGELUS: Stop it, Wilkins!
WILKINS: You shut it!
WILLOW: You shut---
Wilkins cuts her off, storms across the room, and dusts Angelus swiftly. Willow pouts. She conjurs up Angelus, who smiles.
ANGELUS: Thanks, Wi---
Willow dusts him with telekinetic use of a stake.
WILKINS: Not fair!
WILLOW: Not fair!
WILKINS: You can't. oh, stop it!
WILLOW: You can't. oh, stop---
Suddenly, Spike sweeps over and cracks Willow's neck. She falls to the ground.
SPIKE: In the absence of the O Annoying One, two more Big Bads down.
CALEB: We just almost destroyed all of the attendants of this meeting!
Spike strides over to Wilkins and snaps his neck and dusts Dru.
SPIKE: You're right. But just us. I say we team up to destroy the Slayer. We don't need these soddin' bullocks anyway.
CALEB: We go fight the Slayer?
SPIKE: Yeah, you and me.
CALEB: But it ruins the pointless plot of the story.
SPIKE: It does?
CALEB: Yeah, this was supposed to be a wacky story with no sense of direction, much less a plot, besides all of the Big Bads assemble and do weird things and end up killing each---
A dagger flies at Caleb and stabs him in the face. He falls over dead. Spike shrugs.
SPIKE: Okay, then.
Spike dusts himself.
THE EXTREMELY POINTLESS END
Author's Note: Just so you know, I was very very bored. R&R, I don't mind flames, because this is weird and probably deserves it. Could do second chapter with the Scoobies or anything else that dawns on me in my state of boredom. Let me know: if good reviews, more spoofs will come showering down. If bad flames, more spoofs will still come showering down, but funnier.
MASTER: We really need to get a day job.
ADAM: You can't, you'd burn up.
MASTER: Don't you tease!
ADAM: What're you going to do? Hypnotize me? OOHHH!
MASTER: You never know.
ADAM: Say, where's Wilkins? And Faith?
MASTER: They're coming, they're coming. What is it with impatience in human/demon hybrids these days?
ADAM: Watch it, or I'll get Willow to cast a spell on you.
MASTER: Yes, surprisingly effective.
ADAM: There they are!
FAITH: Yo. Where's B?
WILKINS: Why do you keep saying that?
FAITH: You know...
WILKINS: No.
FAITH: C'mon, yes you do!!
WILKINS: .. No.
FAITH: Fine, then. I'm five by five. B.
MASTER: Oh, shut up! Slayers and their fancy modern talk..
FAITH: Five by five. B. Five by five. B.
WILKINS: Faith, sweetie, shut the heck up.
ADAM: I heard Willow's coming. Special appearances by The First?
SPIKE: Hi there!
DRUSILLA: Hello, there. Mummy's here.
WILKINS: Oh god. The Brit and his crazy whore.
FAITH: Five by five. B. Five by five. B.
DRUSILLA: Five what, kitten?
ADAM: Another thing I never understood. Why do you crazy Brits say kitten? And bullocks? And mollycoddle? Geez, couldja be more British?
FAITH: Five by five. B. Five by five. B. ANGELUS: Hey, there, folks! Why am I here?
MASTER: Because you were sent here.
ANGELUS: So, how is everyone? Adam? Mr. Mayor? Faith?
FAITH: Five by-
WILKINS: Five. Yeah, we got that part.
MASTER: Now, we have assembled forces to stop Buffy and her stupid little army of Potential Slayers. Where's our primary Big Bads?
FAITH: Fighting B?
ADAM: I think I'm going to explode if I hear Faith say that again.
FAITH: B.
ADAM: Ha!
FAITH: Five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five five by five....
ADAM: Still.. didn't.. get.. me..
FAITH: .....Five by five.
Adam explodes.
FAITH: Heh heh! Gets 'em every time. All dressed up in big sis' clothes. Give us a kiss.
MASTER: That girl has a tendency to make no sense a lot.
WILLOW: Tell me about it!
MASTER: Ah, Willow! What a relief. We thought you wouldn't make it. How are you?
WILLOW: I'm.. five by five.
MASTER: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The Master clutches his heart, falls down, then gets back up.
FAITH: What are you, the narrator? B. Keys to the cuffs. We alone here, Lester? You played me. Big, high rock. Forty feet up. You're wicked gross. Five by five.
ANGELUS: Who suggests we kill her? One Big Bad down.. What's one Big Bad more or less?
FAITH: I'm not the Big Bad! No! Don't kill me...!!!!. ............ B.
Willow shoots a spell at her.
WILLOW: Shut UP!
SPIKE: Okay, have we assembled? Can we start this bloody meeting? Wanker. Mollycoddle. Blighter. Soddin'. Fag off. Kitten. Luv. AHHHH! I'm too British.
WILLOW: You're tellin' me. Where's The First?
CALEB: The First couldn't make it. I'm here representin' it.
WILKINS: Oh, not this country hick priest! He's got dirt under his finger nails. Very unclean.
ANGELUS: Yeah, go play your banjo and shoot people with your boomstick.
CALEB: Now, I don't appreciate this!
GLORY: Whoa, sorry I'm late.
CALEB: Who the hell are you?
GLORY: *morphs* Ben.
ANGELUS: Kick-ass! How'd ya do that?!
BEN: I'd'know.
WILKINS: You d'know? How do you d'know?
BEN: I just don't. You know, d'know.
DRUSILLA: Mummy wants to play with her kittens. Luv, let's dance. My hair is going to fall off.
SPIKE: Not now, Dru. Go practice saying British words.
DRUSILLA: But I'm already British!
BEN: No, you're just insane.
SPIKE: Oh, sod off. Go change into a girl again you ruddy transvestite.
Ben looks down at his clothes. A red dress. He blushes.
BEN: Oh yeah? *morphs into Glory* I have bugs crawling in my head!
CALEB: Huh? Oh, doesn't that usually mean you're going to...
GLORY: Yes. Yes it does.
She seizes Caleb, pushes her fingers into his head, sucks out his sanity. She sighs.
GLORY: That's better.
ANGELUS: Another Big Bad down. Gosh, Gloryficus, filled your crazy people quota yet?
GLORY: Shut it, you. Go draw a picture of a sleeping person, okay?
ANGELUS: Let's see. Buffy's mom is dead. Sunnydale's a huge crater... and I left my good pencils in that hell hole. Oh well.
WILLOW: Is anybody else feeling the weirdness?
MASTER: What weirdness?
WILLOW: Shut up!
Conjurs a stake and dusts The Master.
WILLOW: Any more questions?
GLORY: Yeah, um, what weirdness?
WILLOW: I said shut up!
Conjurs a storm of knives. They charge Glory, much like "Tough Love" where Willow wreaks vengeance because of Tara's unfortunate brain-mixings, re: Glory.
GLORY: I'm a goddess, Witchy Woman. Knives can't hurt me.
WILLOW: Oh yeah?
GLORY: Yeah..
WILLOW: Can they hurt Ben?
Willow raises a hand and Ben reappears in the red dress. Blushes furiously.
BEN: .Oh, sh---
Before he can form the words, knives slice him into twenty pieces horizontally.
ANGELUS: Ouch. One more Big Bad down.
WILLOW: Jeez, stop saying that, or I'll restore your soul!
DRUSILLA: Mummy wants to play with her kittens!
WILKINS: God, woman, is that all you say?
Drusilla pouts silently.
SPIKE: Isn't there supposed to be some kind of meeting here? Regarding defeating that super-slut Buffy Summers?
WILKINS: I whole-heartedly agree. Dating the undead, not in the least tasteful. And the sex! At seventeen! Can you say 'unwanted pregnancy'?
WILLOW: Unwanted pregnancy.
WILKINS: No, you weren't actually supposed to... yeah.
WILLOW: No, you weren't actually supposed to... yeah.
WILKINS: Stop it.
WILLOW: Stop it.
WILKINS (and Willow at the same time): I'm a little teapot short and.
WILKINS (Willow, same time): STOCKY!
WILKINS (Willow, same time): Darn it.
WILKINS (Willow, same time): Stop copying me!
WILKINS: Willow's stupid.
WILLOW: No I'm not!
WILKINS: No I'm not!
WILLOW: No, not... stop!
WILKINS: No, not. stop!
WILLOW: AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!
WILKINS: AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!
ANGELUS: Okay, okay, we get it. Stop the copycat game.
WILLOW: You're going down!
WILKINS: You're going DOWN!
WILLOW: No, see, you added the emphasis. It doesn't work that way.
WILKINS: Oh, sorry.
WILLOW: Oh, sorry.
WILKINS: Oh, no...
WILLOW: Oh, no...
ANGELUS: Stop it, Wilkins!
WILKINS: You shut it!
WILLOW: You shut---
Wilkins cuts her off, storms across the room, and dusts Angelus swiftly. Willow pouts. She conjurs up Angelus, who smiles.
ANGELUS: Thanks, Wi---
Willow dusts him with telekinetic use of a stake.
WILKINS: Not fair!
WILLOW: Not fair!
WILKINS: You can't. oh, stop it!
WILLOW: You can't. oh, stop---
Suddenly, Spike sweeps over and cracks Willow's neck. She falls to the ground.
SPIKE: In the absence of the O Annoying One, two more Big Bads down.
CALEB: We just almost destroyed all of the attendants of this meeting!
Spike strides over to Wilkins and snaps his neck and dusts Dru.
SPIKE: You're right. But just us. I say we team up to destroy the Slayer. We don't need these soddin' bullocks anyway.
CALEB: We go fight the Slayer?
SPIKE: Yeah, you and me.
CALEB: But it ruins the pointless plot of the story.
SPIKE: It does?
CALEB: Yeah, this was supposed to be a wacky story with no sense of direction, much less a plot, besides all of the Big Bads assemble and do weird things and end up killing each---
A dagger flies at Caleb and stabs him in the face. He falls over dead. Spike shrugs.
SPIKE: Okay, then.
Spike dusts himself.
THE EXTREMELY POINTLESS END
Author's Note: Just so you know, I was very very bored. R&R, I don't mind flames, because this is weird and probably deserves it. Could do second chapter with the Scoobies or anything else that dawns on me in my state of boredom. Let me know: if good reviews, more spoofs will come showering down. If bad flames, more spoofs will still come showering down, but funnier.