(A/N: This is a story that – like my other one, "The Pocky Incident" – seems to have come out of nowhere. It's more than a little random and, as far as I can tell, lacks any real plot. So far. "The Pocky Incident" has plot though, definitely. This one... I'm honestly not sure. ^^ Anyways, this chapter might not make a lot of sense, but it kind-of introduces what's going on... sort of. And yes, it involves Pocky. But it's not necessarily a good thing anymore... ^^ I never really intended for the characters in this story to be the way they were in the show/manga, so don't freak out if they're totally out-of-character. And I probably made some mistakes too. But that's okay. Because this story is PURE RANDOMNESS! Read on, loyal baka! *runs away to eat more pocky* ... *comes back* BTW, the italic stuff is what they're writing. And the POV changes every chapter. But the non-italic stuff is third-person. *runs off... again*)


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CHAPTER ONE: Freeza Makes Some Progress

June 14


Why? Why must I be forced to write of my "attempts" to "change"? And to think that they even go so far as to call this a "diary" when they intend to read my every entry? In fact, I believe this is to be shared by the others in rehab as well. How unjust! Now I might actually have to make some "progress" and maybe truly become "good". Why?

Freeza woke up that morning to the horrifying sight of Raditz and Zarbon trying to frolic about in the flowers that didn't really belong in Hell. Apparently he wasn't the only one who was disgusted by this; many others shied away, giving the two speedo-wearing ex-baddies plenty of room in which to… dance.

They were dancing. Skipping, dancing, twirling, spinning… it was horrific. No longer will I be able to sleep at night without having to fight off the graphic images of Raditz and Zarbon doing the tango. And yet I can't help but wonder which one of them was dancing the part of the woman…

This was just insulting. Why should anyone be forced to change? Especially Freeza and his crew? They had been born evil. They had lived evil. They had died evil. What was the point of making them change now that they were dead, and had been dead for more than a decade? It was unjust. Besides, what might they possibly get out of turning good? A nice trip to Heaven with its trillions of goody-goodies? Bah! Preposterous! No self-respecting villain would willingly change.

Except, perhaps, Raditz and Zarbon.

Those two have been humiliating me constantly since they began rehab. I honestly do not understand why they actually try to be good. But then again, I've never really understood them anyways.

Turning and walking in the opposite direction, completely ignoring the ghosts that were trying to tease him about the unvillainish behavior of his former crewmembers. How – and why – had they succumbed to the pressuring of –

"FREEZA!"

The ghosts immediately scattered, and Freeza tried to think up a way to escape without looking like he was afraid. Too late.

She ran up and proceeded to stand on his tail, which was immediately pulled out from under her.

"Ouch! That was unnecessary, Freeza!" She got to her feet, brushed herself off, and took out a little book. "Hmm… it says here that you've been in Villains Anonymous for about… twelve years, right? So you should be totally good by now!"

No one can spend more than a week in Hell without being assaulted by Undine. And no one can spend more than a month without hating her vehemently. Her large eyes, undying smile, and bubbly personality are the bane of anyone who ends up in Hell. And yet you can't escape her… especially if you have a tail.

"So have you been working on your cruel tendencies?" she chirped. The cat-girl grinned. "You've had twelve years, Freeza! You should be totally good by now, or at the very least halfway. Look at your comrades over there!"

"I'd rather not."

Undine's smile faded, but her eyes grew to the size of dinner plates and started to glisten. "Oh, pleeeaaase, Freeza? I know you can be good, I just know you can! But you gotta try, okay?"

"And what will I get if I do what you tell me?" Freeza demanded, holding his tail as far from her feet as possible.

"The same thing that Raditz and Zarbon got!"

"Oh, sure. And what exactly am I going to do with cases of brightly colored boxes? Organize my living space?"

"It's not the boxes, silly!" Undine giggled, smacking him playfully. "It's what's inside the boxes that makes it worthwhile!"

"What could possibly be inside those boxes that makes perfectly evil villains want to be good?"

Undine smiled mischievously. "Pocky!"

Ah, yes. Pocky. That horrendously popular snack that (like the flowers that are so abundant here) does not belong in Hell.

I just realized… perhaps that is why they call it "Hell". Because the flowers and the Pocky and the tango lessons are meant to torture those of us who knew how to live. And what torture befalls those who are sent to Heaven, I wonder?

"I have no interest in Pocky!" Freeza roared. "I just want to blow up a few things! Like you, for instance."

"Oh, well, in that case…" Undine rummaged around in her shoulder bag. "Ah – here we go!" She pulled out a bright pink box. Freeza shielded his eyes.

"No!" he cried. "No, damn you!"

And here I'd thought I wouldn't have to see pink as long as I didn't look at Zarbon. But nooo… Undine had to go and ruin that. But of course, I wasn't prepared for what came next.

"Here!" she cried, holding out a stick of sweet-smelling strawberry Pocky. "Try it!"

"Get that crap away from me!" Freeza roared. "I have no interest in that – that – poison! Bring it any closer and – "

Undine shoved the Pocky into his open mouth and giggled. "Saying Pocky is poison is like thinking that a camera will suck your soul out." She paused. "Well, it might if it was made by Gero, but that's totally beside the point."

I swallowed it. I swallowed the Pocky. And who would've imagined…

Freeza looked at the pink box in Undine's hand. "Could I…?"

"You want more?" she asked. "You'll have to be a little less evil…"

"Can I have more… please?"

"Gee, Freeza, I dunno…" Undine began pacing around him. "Hey!" She spotted his tail twitching near the ground and instinctively pounced on it, being a cat-girl.

"Ouch!" Freeza closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Kindly… remove yourself… from my tail…!!"

"There you go!" Undine cried, giggling cutely. "See, you're already a little less evil!" She handed him an unopened box of Strawberry Pocky. "Here! If you want more, you gotta earn it!" Freeza snatched the Pocky up and dashed away.

I now have a box of Pocky in my possession. Strawberry Pocky. I think I might be immune to pink now. This could be a good thing. Undine might take a little longer to tolerate. But she is one of the main sources of Pocky here in Hell. Of course, I could just steal some of Zarbon's while he's out dancing. That would be much easier. But his is in a white box, not pink. And Raditz's Pocky is in a red box. Getting my Strawberry Pocky might prove rather difficult.

At least I have a way now. And all I need to do is "ask" Undine to "get off my tail". Or is there an easier, less humiliating way? I must look into it. I… must… get… my… Strawberry… Pocky…

– Freeza

(Agent Undine's Note: Subject Freeza has certainly made some progress today, but I fear there may be another threat from him. His sudden desire to eat Strawberry Pocky is somewhat unnerving. I should go and warn the other subject who has Strawberry Pocky that there may be a thief about…)


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(A/N: It's me again! Did you like it? Hate it? Were you scared? Yes? Yes? Yes? Good! *is pocky high* The next chapter, which I've already written, is a lot better. So if you can stand to read it, do. But first... review this one! And beware the cat-girls... their cuteness will blind you. And remember – even if pocky is evil in Hell, dead people can't read fanfiction. I hope. If they could, though, I'd be screwed, ne? ^^)