Strutting Season
"Doctor Mallard, I was, wanting to ask you a question, well a couple actually, concerning my forthcoming marriage." Jimmy asked Ducky, as they dissected yet another guest.
"Fire away, Mr Palmer, although I am not the best person to ask about marriage, maybe Agent Gibbs, having partaken of a few, would be a better person to ask…..but then again with his track record, maybe not. But please continue." As Ducky handed Jimmy the heart.
"I was wondering. My mother is without a escort and I was wondering if you would be so kind as to take the place of my father….he, as you know, has been estranged from our family for some time." Jimmy asked in a pleading voice.
"But of course I would be delighted, but would it not be better if your brother did the honours?" Ducky replied.
"I was actually going to ask him to be my best man, but he is not is not really sure he could handle the responsibility. I was thinking of asking Tim." Jimmy continued.
"But the other question Mr Palmer was?" Ducky continued.
"I believe in Scotland they have, what is commonly called a "Stag Do" do they not?"
"Mr Palmer, I thought they were called bachelor parties here in the States, but they have these throughout the world, but yes Scotland has some strange customs, but you really need to ask your best-man to organise." Ducky finished saying.
-oOo-
Jimmy approached the bullpen rather sheepishly.
"Lurking Autopsy Gremlin?….What brings you up from the bowels of the building?" Tony asked sarcastically lifting his head from the sitrep which Gibbs had thrown back at him, regarding it as a piece of fiction.
"I….I…it doesn't matter…..I'll come back later, I was looking for Agent McGee actually." Jimmy stammered.
"He is in MTAC with Ziva and Gibbs. I am here alone as a punishment…..but," as Tony got up and walked to Jimmy, "I could always assist."
"I'll….." as Jimmy turned to walk away he spied, Tim coming back with Dr Mallard.
"Here is our Elflord now, what were you going to ask him?" Tony sneered.
"Agent McGee,….Tim," now seeing the look of encouragement in Ducky's eyes, "Tim, could I be so bold as to ask you to be my Best Man, my brother doesn't want the responsibility, and I was hoping…." Jimmy never finished.
"Elflord as Best Man? Now Jimmy," as Tony put his arm round, "Am I not always the best man round here?"
"Well…." Jimmy began to stammer.
"Well, I am going to be sick," Ziva announced, now getting up.
"Anthony, please be sensible for once," Dr Mallard replied.
"But I am Ducky." Tony smirked.
"I was thinking…" Jim now began to say.
"Ya think Palmer, sorry always wanted to say that," Tony began to reply, "But what are the duties of a best man…oh yes the Stag Night….and I don't think McGoon, could possibly organise a night to remember."
"That Agent DiNozzo is what I am worried about." Jimmy now replied standing up to Tony.
"Problem, Jim?" Gibbs asked as he now entered the bullpen.
"Jimmy here was just asking me to be his best man, and I of course jumped at the chance to show him exactly how proficient I was in the subject."
"You ever organise something like this before DiNozzo?" Gibbs questioned.
"No, but how difficult would it be to organise….I could ask my father, or even you Gibbs." Tony replied smiling.
"DiNozzo, how often has your father been married?" as Gibbs looked at Tony, "And me? Do we look like role models?"
"I could ask Director Vance, he seems to be happy enough." Tony added.
"Jimmy, have a few drinks with your friends, do not let Tony here, organise anything without running it by me first. I do not want a call from Vegas PD or even New York PD, I will not bail you all out." Gibbs finished saying as the phone rang, "Yeap Gibbs…gear up, dead Marine, Quantico."
-oOo-
"So McGee do you mind me organising Jim's doooo?" Tony questioned as Ziva drove, deliberately catching the sidewalk now and again, "Oi David, what you playing at?"
"Maybe if I injure you, you will not be able to make a fool of yourself or Jimmy." Ziva replied nudging the kerb again.
"Six months wear off the tyre Ziva, and it does the tyre wall no good whatsoever." Tony added sarcastically.
"Look Tony, you can do whatever you want, I am unaccustomed to speaking in public, and would probably stammer my way through the speech, so yes you are very welcome to do whatever you chose to do, but leave me out of any shenanigans."
"Ooo, big words McWriter."
-oOo-
"I have been thinking, the Stag Night. A Gentleman's evening of entertainment." Tony began to say,
"Which in your case will involve, alcohol, women and probably your handcuffs." Ziva replied not looking at the sneering look Tony was giving.
""If you so desire….."
"But I am not allowed am I?" Ziva retorted.
"But Ziva if I gave you an official invitation, and Gibbs said run things by him, and that Jimmy was to have a few drinks with friends….he didn't say what was to happen later, So….lala…" as Tony produced a sheet of paper.
The Stag Rules
I _ solemnly swear that on the weekend of_, in celebration of _'s Stag party, I will abide by the following rules and regulations:
1. Any man who brings a camera to the Stag party may be legally killed by his friends.
2. Embarrassing the Stag at least once per hour is mandatory. Embarrassment can only take the form of attracting attention toward the Stag, and includes but is not limited to, finding girls to help in satisfying the"Stag Party Checklist."
3. You will not, at any time, call or text your girlfriend/ wife/ partner/ love interest. Failure to adhere to this rule will result in a forfeit.
4. Let him flirt. Let him touch. Don't let him cheat! Remember that he must be alive, healthy, and free of any STDS on the big day. Don't let a few minutes of pleasure ruin decades of his life.
5. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your friend is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.
6. On the other hand, when a friend is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
7. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "sweary word or two!" you are absolved of all your responsibility.
8. Back down from any physical encounters with a bouncer.
9. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
10. All forfeits include a $ 2 donation to the beer fund. Incomplete forfeits or buy out cost $ 20
11. Everyone must consume at least one measure of alcohol every hour.
12. Do not do anything that might permanently disfigure the groom-to-be. Although hilarious at the time permanent marker glasses, bad ass moustaches and shaved highbrows tend to ruin the wedding photos. Tattooing his ex-girlfriend's name on his inner thigh is also not acceptable. Beware of the wrath of a Bridezilla!
13. Before signing the document below, I will say out loud, "What happens at _'s stag party STAYS at _'s stag party!"
(Signature) _ Date_
(Signature of Guy In Charge) _ Date_
"So what do you think?" he finished saying.
"Grotesque, you think anyone would sign that?" Ziva replied.
"I thought I would start…"
"Gibbs have you seen this?" as Ziva ripped the sheet from Tony's hand, and took to Gibbs.
"Nope but looks like I have now…..like me to get Holly involved?2 Gibbs smiled.
"Hey would you…..oh Boss, that would be epic….on not." now seeing the look on Gibbs face.
-oOo-
"Holly got a proposition for ya….." Gibbs asked down the phone, "What you think?...Would you have a girl who would oblige?...Good, I'll send you the where and whens,….thanks Holly I owe you…ok I saved you…"
-oOo-
"Jimmy, what you drinking?…Abbs usual? Ahh Duks, usual?" Tony shouted across the bar.
"Please, but manners Anthony, but where is Jethro?" as Ducky looked about," He said he had a surprise, and that I should bring my video recorder." Dr Mallard added.
Tony had managed to acquire a bar that had a separate snug type bar off, for social occasions like this. Jimmy had invited some of his college friends, and although it was supposed to have been a boys do, Jimmy had said he had really just wanted co-workers and a few men friends of Breena's too.
Gibbs arrived with Holly on his arm.
"Did you invite her?" Tony whispered to Jimmy.
"No I did not, and may I say…wow who's that with them?" Jimmy relied looking at a leggy blonde who followed them in.
"Bet she's not a real blonde." Tony laughed.
"Going to find out?…I mean she looks so your type." Ziva sneered.
"Meaning what, my sweet peach? I will of course have to investigate, I mean we can't have gate-crashers, and I am the best man….here." as he loosened his tie, and sauntered over to the blonde, "Hello, Tony DiNozzo."
"No, my name is Gretchen and I am from Sweden," the blonde replied.
"I mean Gretchen, I'm Tony…."
"Where is the best man?" Gretchen enquired looking about.
"I am the best man," DiNozzo added.
"You are the man who is getting married? You are very naughty talking up to another woman when you are getting married soon."
"No Gretchen, I am the best man, as in I look after the groom-to-bes' needs, hence this last wild fling, and it is chatting up." Tony corrected her.
"I understand now, but I am here to entertain you. I am a dancer." Gretchen replied, "So I must go and talk to Ms Snow." as she turned, and walked over to Gibbs and Holly. Tony looked, as Holly said something, Gibbs laughed and pointed to a room. Tony went back to the gang.
"What's with the woman?" Tim asked frowning.
"Her name is Gretchen and she is a dancer." Tony smiled.
"Yeah that's what they all say," Ziva replied, as they heard the music start and Gretchen appeared on the stage in the corner. She was slightly overdressed, until it was pointed to Tony that she was in fact a Burlesque type Stripper, "Wow, this should be interesting," as Tony's eyes began to extend on stalks.
Gretchen seductively began to strip, and dance round the pole which had appeared on stage, and as she got down to her Burlesque corset, and stockings, tassels twirling she stopped and pulled Tony on to the stage by his tie, she began to gyrate against his body, Tony froze.
Abbs whistled, Ziva clapped, Tim looked away, and Jimmy he stood open-mouthed until Ducky took a finger and shut Jim's mouth. Gibbs smiled his smile, Holly looked at Gretchen and thumbed up, smiled and whispered something to Gibbs; he listened and then nodded. Holly looked across at Gretchen and nodded slightly smiling.
Gretchen began to sexily undo Tony's tie, undoing his waistcoat and slipping it from his shoulders, the tie next….the girls hooted, as Tony strutted his stuff on stage.
Eventually down to his boxers Tony could feel, to his embarrassment, his honour beginning to shrink, but Gretchen continued her dance, she had two large feather fans which she managed to keep over herself and over Tony. It was then, that she produced Tony's cuffs from her corset.
"How she manage that?" Tim asked looking confused.
"No idea, but," as Ziva looked round the room, "Where have Gibbs and Ms Snow gone?"
"Maybe he is entertaining her." Jimmy answered.
"That was uncalled for Jim," Abby retorted, "But look…she's cuffed Tony to the pole, and Oh my God…is that not…"
"Looks like chocolate sauce to me. Tony isn't allergic to nuts is he? No I remember when you came back from Paris, he was fine…..but dear me, she isn't, is she?" Ducky whispered, as he watched Gretchen take the sauce in her left hand, the fan in her right, look to the crowd, smile and place the fan over Tony's privates, and do what looked like rub, taking her hand from the fan she licked her fingers…..the look on Tony's face was priceless….as the fire alarm went off.
Gretchen gathered her attire and ran off stage.
"Hey guys what about me?" Tony pleaded, as they heard the sirens in the distance.
"Well Tony, unless you can come up with a good excuse why you are dressed as you are, with chocolate sauce, on your body, cuffed to a pole, I think you are in trouble." Ziva replied.
"Tell you what," as Tim took a prepaid cell from his pocket, "I'll call Gibbs, you tell him what has happened, also say to the Boss, rule 9 of the stag rules: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours….but then again did Gibbs sign the request," as the four walked away laughing, they could hear the police siren and fire engine in the distance.
The Wedding
A week later at the reception, Tim stood and raised his hand for quiet,
"As best man I would like to say a few words," as he took what looked like a pack of prompt cards from his pocket, but let the bottom one drop revealing a concertinaed long sheet, like a toilet roll unravelling, to gasps of the guests, "Sorry got carried away there," now looking at Gibbs for encouragement who nodded slightly,"…I would just like to say thank you to Breena's family for the hospitality this afternoon, I would like to toast the Bridesmaids, well not literally, but we have all seen a body or two that has been roasted." Looking at the guests and at Gibbs and the team, Gibbs smiled and nodded, Tony glared, Tim continued, "I have a few telegrams here, as they would say in days gone by, but with today's technology I have collated them, into a folder, which may be read at your convenience. And, for those who may think that is a toilet, shit my speech may also go down the pan." As the guests laughed, "So joking apart, may I just say this, please stand and raise your glasses….to the Bride and Groom, Breena and Jim, congratulations." as everyone said "The bride and groom. Breena and Jim."
Tony was standing, he raised his glass but you could see by the look on his face the hair round his loins was beginning to itch. Gibbs smiled, ok, the fire alarm had turned out to be false, unknown caller…..Gibbs. The police was in-fact Fornell and a favour owed. Fornell and the Fire Chief had found Tony standing, one hand cuffed to the pole and the other with the large boa fan in-front of his body.
"Gonna have to take you in son," Fornell smiled.
Vance was not amused, "What the hell were you thinking Gibbs. DINozzo's a federal Agent and he and you should have more sense…and involving Ms Snow, you realise this may set back her Restriction of Liberty Orders."
Gibbs just shrugged his shoulders.
"Leon, Tony needed taking down a peg or two. He has been strutting around a peacock on heat, he's been abhor able to live with and even Jimmy was commenting. The wedding is Jimmy and Breena's, not what Special Agent DiNozzo can do to embarrass."
"SecNav wasn't amused, as was Fornell's Boss….but do you think a night in the cells did any good?"
"Leon, yes that, and the shaving by the male orderly to get rid of the chocolate sauce." Gibbs laughed.
"Jethro, why the strutting season and not rutting, being a stag night?" Vance asked.
"No idea Leon, just sounds better." As Gibbs turned and walked out the room.