Ruins.
Kate stared at Jack furious and hurt beyond words. "I thought you were clean?"
Jack could hear the accusation in her words, and it hurt, but he had brought this on himself. Why had he gone and stuck the needle into his arm again?
"Its not what it seems," he said weakly. So I'm a liar as well as a junkie…
"Yes it is, don't dare try and tell me any different, I deserve better than that!"
He could almost hear the pride in her voice, God it made him angry.
There was silence now, but it was as loud as his guilty conscience, composing the truth to her.
"I want you gone, yesterday," she said, more softly now. She could see a hint of the only Jack shining in his eyes, but it hurt when she saw the new person he had become surrounding him. She didn't know him anymore… maybe she never had.
"Kate please, don't do this to me, I can stop this," he tried in desperation. I'm selfish too, he thought, as part of him tried to ignore the drugs inner commentary of the situation.
"You stopped this once before Jack, and we made a deal. Why didn't you even tell me you were needing this? How can you expect me to accept you after this betrayal?"
His face coloured at the word 'betrayal,' she had no idea what the word meant to him.
"It wasn't like I was planning on throwing my life away Kate, it just happened okay," he said impatiently, why couldn't she understand him?
"You know what Jack? I don't care. I helped you through this once, stood by you despite the pain you caused. I'm not going to go through that twice." She looked down at him then, he could see the disgust in her voice. It made his insides curl and his fists clench as he suddenly wanted to make her understand him. But he wouldn't, he was a junkie but he wasn't a woman beater.
His expression softened as the anger and pity in her eyes slowly turned to sorrow.
"Please don't make me the enemy here Jack. I love you, I want to be with you, but I can't do that if I can't trust you. You obviously don't trust me either," she said motioning to the syringe she was holding, found hidden in his bottom drawer, still warm to her touch.
"Kate?"
"Just go Jack, please."
Feeling some of his own self come too he felt the guilt from putting her through this twice. How dare he blame her, he thought to himself, knowing it was the drug which blamed her, and anybody else other than himself. The drug was selfish to anybody but him. He was always welcomed by the syringe, and when he was high he didn't have to take the blame anymore.
Looking up at her again he gently took the syringe from her grasp, before turning and leaving the room, intent on doing as she asked. Kate watched him climb down the stairs, her heart breaking even more.
Look into my eyes of pain
See the filth that you became
Now its time for you to go
What we could be we'll never know
"Jack," she called out, climbing down the stairs after him, he ignored her and moved on knowing there was no need to hurt her any more.
"Jack," she snapped, grabbing his arm and forcing him to look at her. "Just tell me why you did this, please."
The emotion in her voice was raw and her words stung. He looked down, angry at himself for dragging her through this again.
"I… I just had to Kate. I'm sorry." He couldn't tell her the truth, he didn't want to put it on her shoulders. She had enough to worry about.
"This isn't you Jack," she said, snatching the syringe back out of his hands and throwing it against the wall as hard as she could. "This is not the Jack Bauer I know."
Jack looked at her sadly, her anger not effecting him, just the look of defeat and pity in her eyes.
"Maybe you never knew him," he whispered as he looked away, ashamed to face the woman he claimed to have once loved.
"That's right Jack hide away why don't you," Kate yelled, now beyond angry, she was hurt, and she felt stupid. Had he been playing her all along?
"I'm not hiding, you're the one who wanted me to be something I can't be!"
"No Jack, I wanted you just the way you were, granted; without a needle in your arm, but we don't always get what we wish for do we," she snapped sarcastically, seeing his emotions roll through his eyes, anger flashing through like lightening in a clear dark sky.
The anger seemed to subside as quickly as it emerged, he didn't respond to her attempts to wind him up. "I want to be with you Kate," he said, the display of softness springing up on her.
"You can't be with me and this addiction Jack. You need to chose which side you're on… If you at least told me why you did this I could help…"
She was being the good Samaritan again Jack realised, steadying himself against the wall as he wobbled on his feet.
"You wanna know the truth Kate?" He didn't care if he hurt her now, let her feel some of the guilt he had been living with for the past two years.
"Yes." She said it so indignantly, he thought, as though she's free from blame. He wanted to make her feel the surge of guilt now, show her how it felt to know you had ruined the life of somebody you loved.
"You remember last week? You sat there polishing your fancy nails, talking on and on about how you want children and a husband and to grow old with somebody?" He spat his words at her, and suddenly Kate knew his reasoning was something she would never have expected.
"Yeah," she said, slightly less confident about his explanation.
"It was Terri's birthday. I tried to ignore it, hide it away from you so you wouldn't give me the sympathy trip. Instead I felt like you were rubbing my nose in the fact that I took all of that away from her, the only woman I can ever love!"
The slap came from nowhere, Kate felt a pain she had never felt and before she knew it her hand was stinging and his face red; his arms coming up and shoving her away just as fast, she moved back a few more steps than necessary, suddenly scared of him, knowing he was in no frame of mind to know what he was doing. He was high, angry, heartbroken and incredibly lost. Despite both the drugs and revelation she still felt her heart go out for him.
Jack stared at her, waiting to see her guilt and pain emerge. But the emotions didn't show on her face if she were dealing with them, instead she just stared at him in disbelief.
"Now you know," he snarled, "you're the one who caused me to do this, you ended this relationship."
Kate moved back again as tears filled her eyes, how could he willingly take something which could turn him into such a monster? She couldn't quite comprehend his words, they were lies and she knew he didn't mean them. He was hurting so bad he wanted her to suffer with him, a companion through his pain and misery. She wanted to scream at him, how could she have known it was such a precious day if he hadn't told her? But she stayed quiet, knowing Teri was not a conversation topic she could approach while he was high, maybe never at all.
"You come back in the morning Jack," she said shaking, "you talk to me when you're sober, see if we can have a real conversation. I'm not talking to the heroin anymore."
With that she left the room, making sure to stomp down on the syringe she had thrown, feeling some satisfaction when she herd the crunch of the breaking glass.
You have ruined everything
No choice left I have to bring
An end to this sad song at last
I welcome it into my past
He was still there come morning time, sleeping on the couch, his face a paleness she had seen only once before. Kate sighed, now his head was clear it would be harder, for him. He would hate himself for his actions, and even more damaging she knew he would blame himself. What hurt her the most was knowing she couldn't help him. She had done everything she could and it had been for nothing. She clearly hadn't done enough the first time, otherwise it wouldn't have come to this.
She sat besides him and ran a soft hand over his face, why does he do this to himself, she asked? Why can't he by happy, why does he have to torture himself? Jack opened his eyes slowly and immediately averted them when he saw Kate looking down on him sadly. He felt a shame beyond belief at his actions the previous night, how could he have spoken such words to her; how could he deliberately try and make her feel the pain he had so desperately tried to save her from?
He had ruined it now, as if the addiction hadn't been enough to make her push him away; he'd pushed the boat out all of the way just to make sure. He hated himself, and in that instant he knew he would go back to the heroin, it was all he deserved.
"How are you feeling?" She was testing the waters whilst breaking the ice.
"I'm sorry for last night," he said quietly, "you shouldn't have had to find out that way, either."
"Its okay," she paused, "I knew it wasn't you."
He didn't say anything else, his mind wondering away from the topic. Now he wasn't high his brain was firing questions at him. Why had he allowed her do find out like this? How was he still able to even face her, knowing how incredibly cruel he had been? Most importantly of course, when can I next shoot up?
He pushed up to leave as the question came, knowing this was truly over and he could do nothing to change it. He ignored Kate's calls for him to wait and hurried through the house. It struck him as ironic as he passed by the remains of the broken syringe; last night he had been pleading for her to stay with him; now she was the one wanting to talk; but he knew he couldn't. He couldn't put her through this again, not after he had promised her he would talk to her and never sink this low again. But he had. He didn't plan any of this, it just sort of happened and before he knew it , it was beyond his control. But it had happened all the same.
"Jack wait!"
Finally he turned, knowing he had to at least hear her out. He had caused her enough pain and trouble, listening to her was the least he could do.
"Where are you going?" She was concerned again, like a mother helping a scared and crying child lost in the mall.
"Away," he frowned, wishing she would let him go. The sooner he was gone the sooner he would stop hurting her and she could get on with her life. It would have never worked anyway, he told himself, they were cut from different materials that weren't meant to mix.
She took a deep breath and decided to be brave, knowing there was only one way left to try and get through his barriers and into his soul. "Did you ever love me Jack?"
His eyes were watering but she knew he wouldn't allow himself to cry, he was proud like that. He didn't realise that emotions were nothing to be ashamed of. Like the drugs, feelings were something else he had never mastered or beaten. He saw them as something bad, something which needed to be avoided at all costs. He was hollow inside, she realised, an shell of a person on the outside, holding it together before he would fall apart. The drugs were the clearest sign yet, she knew the cracks would be forming in his paintwork; it would all go downhill from here.
"I tried to," he said softly, "I wanted to." He paused, trying to find the words to explain his spiralling thoughts, "I just can't… but you know that, don't you?"
Kate was shocked by his honesty, and she truly understood him now. It all came back to his wife, everything, even the drugs. The harrowing thing was that even he couldn't deny it anymore, he knew this was his downfall and he embraced the pain it inflicted on him.
"Why are you doing this Jack, really?"
Jack looked up at her as pain filled his eyes, "I already told you," he whispered. Kate let her head drop in defeat before watching him silently leave the house. He didn't want to make her feel guilty or responsible, and she knew she shouldn't… but somehow, she couldn't help but feel saddened by her own role in what was to become of Jack. How could she have been so insensitive, she should have realised something was wrong with him; why did she miss the signs?
Kate knew he would not bounce back this time. He had gone through hell once to stay clean, and then just threw it all away, and for what? She closed her eyes as she herd the door close behind him gently. Was he happier alone, drowning in misery? It rang true to an extent, and the knowledge that Kate hadn't been able to stop it hurt her even more.
But enough was enough. She would always love Jack, worry and care about him. But he was unwilling to help himself, he couldn't break the trend of sadness which surrounded him. And finally, she realised, drugs or not, she couldn't take it any more. Not everything in life works, something will break, and no matter how hard you try, you can't always fix it back to what it once was.
Moving fast I'm moving on
To a place where I belong
So goodbye to you my friend
We'll meet again right at the end
Back inside his old apartment, Jack was surrounded by the familiar silence as he had been before he moved out. At least this time the drugs stopped him from being lonely. Something had changed, for better or worse he didn't care.
The needle felt cold against his arm, the sensation was nice as pimples began to form around the area tainting his skin for what it was to be used for. A tunnel into escapism. He wouldn't allow himself the relief of Heroin if it weren't for the connotations which followed an addict. He'd herd all the derogatory words and knew he deserved each one of them; and nothing more. This was his life now, he accepted it without a fight.
He was a dependent, useless and lonely waster. Unclean. Haunted. Soulless. Everything and nothing, he realised as he tried not to pity himself, he deserved this. This was punishment for his sins.
He didn't want to die, that would be too easy; but he didn't want to live either. Suffering was the compromise, he knew he'd keep his side of the deal with devil for as long as was necessary. Until he had paid for his sins, or somebody finally decided there was a hell waiting for him worse than this, this was all he was. Trapped in a self made Hell he would never leave, he was another haunted soul waiting for death, waiting for life. Waiting for numbness; but never forgiveness.
The End.
Lyrics are my own which is why they were so terrible!