Candle In the Wind
By: Waikiki23
A/N-This came to me one night and I knew I had to write it. This song by Elton John is one of my favorites he sings. I am in no way trying to infringe on any copyrights. I hope you all enjoy this. Please read and review.
And it seems to me you lived your life, Like a candle in the wind, Never knowing who to cling to, When the rain set in, And I would have like to have known you, But I was just a kid, Your candle burned out long before, Your legend never did.
-Candle In The Wind, Elton John
She clung to life, like that Elton John song she was always singing, like a candle in the wind. He held her hand, tears falling silently to the blanket covering her thin body. She had lost so much weight these past few months, so much that her strength had long since left her.
He sighed and wiped the tears away before stretching his long legs. Hospital chairs were never meant to be comfortable. The door opened, revealing his wife of 27 years.
"How is she hon?" she asked, walking into the room and sitting next to him. Her eyes took in the still form, tearing her up inside.
"No change," he replied, taking his wife's hand into his. He looked down before going on, "They said there is nothing else they can do for her. It's only a matter of time before…" He couldn't even finish his sentence as a lump formed in his throat.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry. This is hurting me, but I can't imagine how its killing you," his wife replied. Her heart was breaking, knowing how soon their young friend would be leaving them.
"I know this is probably really horrible to say, but I hope the end comes soon. This is not her," he said, waving his hand toward the bed.
"Oh honey, its not horrible. You and I both know that she would not want to live like this."
He didn't say anything more, but turned his attention back to the bed in the room. His mind wandered back eight months ago when his and his crews lives changed forever.
E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!
The day had started out pretty good; runs had not marred the warm summer morning as the crew were finishing their chores. The phone rang, startling Captain Hank Stanley, who had been working on his mountain of paperwork.
"Los Angeles County Fire Department, Station 51, Captain Stanley speaking."
"Hello, may I speak to Karen Summers," the male voice on the other end asked.
"Just a moment," he said, putting the receiver down on his desk. He stood up and went to the bay. "Karen! Phone!"
"I'll take it in the dorm Cap!" she yelled, going into the dorm room. She picked up the receiver then said, "Okay Cap." She heard the click of the phone as Cap hung up his end. The she said, "This is Karen Summers."
"Ms. Summers, this is Doctor Willis."
Ten minutes later, Karen sat down heavily on her bunk, shock registering on her face. Tears began to fall as she buried her head into her hands.
This was how Cap found her twenty minutes later. He sat down next to her, not sure of why she was crying, but wanting to be there for her. He wasn't prepared for her to look up, wipe the tears and hair off her face, before she flung herself at her surrogate father and buried her face into his shoulder.
He held her, rubbing her back and shushing her softly as her body was wracked with sobs.
A few minutes later she pulled back, still sniffling as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry Cap, I didn't mean to cry on your shirt."
"Its okay sweetheart. What's wrong?"
Karen took in a deep breath before looking down at her hands, unable to trust herself to look up at Cap. In a shaky voice she replied, "That call, um, it was from my doctor. He was calling me with my test results." She looked into the eyes of the man who had taken her in like one of his own children as she said, "I have cancer."
E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!
"I have cancer."
Those three little words would forever haunt him to his dying day. He prided himself as being a level headed guy. But this, this was completely foreign to him.
She had insisted on finishing her shift, despite how upset she was; others came before her self pity. She had sworn him to silence, begging him to let her tell her brothers in her own time of the news. As much as he didn't want to, he told her yes.
She quietly got up from the bunk, leaving him to process what had just happened. His youngest crew member, and adoptive daughter had been diagnosed with cancer and it was terminal. He had been strong until he had gone back to his office and closed the door. Then the tears he had been holding fell like the rain.
She told the guys later on that evening. Chet and Johnny had not taken the news very well, but Mike surprised him the most, as he took it the hardest. Marco and Roy looked like they had been punched in the gut. It was one of the worst day of his life.
His mind came back to the present as he shifted again in his seat being careful to not jostle his wife, as she had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He glanced over to the bed to see two caramel brown eyes looking in his direction.
"Hi Cap," she said softly, shifting in the bed.
"Hi yourself," he replied, mustering up a smile for her. He took her hand, realizing that he could count the bones one by one. He dismissed that thought before asking, "How are you feeling?"
She shifted slightly before answering, "I'm hanging in there, like a candle in the wind." She smiled sadly at him before closing her eyes again, as just that little bit of talking exhausted her.
He watched her sleep for a few moments before his mind took him back to just a few short months before…
E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!
After the shock of the news had worn off some, Karen had laid down the law that they were not to walk on egg shells around her. She didn't want any special treatment.
Karen had opted to not take chemo, as she knew first hand what would happen if she did. She wanted to have as much quality of life as possible.
She kept working, as it seemed that the cancer was not progressing very fast at first. For that, they would all be eternally grateful, as they got to spend as much time as they could with her as she did what she loved to do.
They also had picnics, cookouts, beach parties and the like. The guys and their families tried to spend as much time with her as they could. They knew she didn't have much time left, so they wanted her remaining time to be memorable.
A month or so after her prognosis, they could tell she was starting to lose weight; it was going to happen no matter what. So they were constantly trying tempt her to eat. After four months or so, she finally couldn't stomach it any more. She basically quit eating, no matter how tempting Mike's fried chicken, or Mama Lopez's tamales were; she just couldn't do it. That was when the reality of it all hit them.
They knew her life was starting flicker about a month ago, when her strength was leaving her. She had stopped working a few short weeks before; she was unable to even hardly lift the equipment. Watching her struggle was heartbreaking for her friends.
That's basically what brought them to now; why he was sitting in a hospital room in Rampart. She had to be brought to the hospice ward of the hospital, because they knew she didn't have much time left. She had gotten so weak that she couldn't even walk on her own.
Just the previous morning, her doctor had told him sadly that there wasn't anything more they could do for her; her candle was going to be going out soon. Today, he had quietly told Cap that if any was going to say their goodbyes, they should do it today.
Cap called the crew members of A shift to let them know that they needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Less than an hour later, all the men and their families arrived. Cap met them in the waiting room.
"Cap, how much longer?" Mike asked quietly, hugging his wife Beth.
"The doctor said not much longer. That's why he suggested I call. However, he doesn't want us all in there at once. Since Emily and I have been here, you guys can go in. She doesn't stay awake for long; she just can't."
The others glanced at each other before settling on Johnny, Roy and JoAnne. "You three can go in first; we can wait," Marco replied, the others just nodding in agreement.
E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!
Johnny opened the door and then he, Roy and JoAnne walked into the room. As they made their way to the bed, Karen opened her eyes slightly, smiling faintly as she saw who had come in. "Hi," she greeted softly. She had been hoping to see her crew mates. She missed them so much.
Johnny stood on the right side of her bed and Roy and JoAnne were on the left. "Hi sweets. How are you feeling?" Johnny asked, grasping her hand.
"Like a candle in the wind," she replied softly, trying to squeeze Johnny's hand.
Roy took her other hand before saying, "I'm sorry we couldn't get here sooner. Johnny and I were on duty yesterday and just got off this morning."
"That's okay Roy. I know you guys have been busy." She paused to catch her breath. "I'm just glad you're here."
"We are too. The others are in the waiting room with Hank and Emily. They'll visit with you in a few minutes," JoAnne said. She was clutching Roy's other hand, her emotions beginning to get the better of her. She turned her head to wipe a tear away before the others could see.
As Karen drifted to sleep again, she tried to squeeze her partners' hands. "I love you guys," she said softly, her eyes closing.
Roy and Johnny placed Karen's hands back on the bed and the three of them silently left the room. What they didn't know was that it would be the last time they would see her alive.
E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!
Cap had gone back in to sit with Karen a little longer, the others headed to the cafeteria to get something to eat after they had taken their turns visiting Karen. It was while they were gone that Karen opened her eyes slightly and turned toward Cap. He held her hand as she struggled to take in a breath.
"Cap."
"Shh, It'll be okay," he said, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.
"Cap, t..ta..take care of…the guys. I…love you…all. So…very…much."
Tears fell from his eyes as he softly responded, "I will baby. Don't you worry. Everything will be okay. We love you too."
She took in a deep breath before softly and breathlessly singing, "…Lived your…life…l…li…like a…can…dle…in the…wind."
Cap finished the chorus of the song for her, "Your candle burned out long before, your legend never did." He then leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "You can let go now baby. Your legend will go on."
Karen smiled before closing her caramel brown eyes, never to open them again. It wasn't long before her breathing stopped all together.
E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!
Karen's funeral was about a week after she passed away. When she first found out about her cancer, she made sure to have her funeral arrangements in place.
The men of Station 51's A Shift entered the auditorium together in their best dress uniform. They sat down at the front of the auditorium, in front of the casket. It wasn't much longer after that Chief Houts made his way to the podium.
"Thank you all for coming today to celebrate the life of one of the county's finest Fire Fighter/ Paramedics. We are here to remember Karen Summers, from Station 51's A Shift. She was well liked by all and her death came many years too early to this fine young woman. At this time, I would like to invite her Captain and adoptive father to the stage to say a few words." He looked over to the front row and said, "Please, Captain Hank Stanley."
Cap wiped the tears away again as he made his way to the podium. The Chief clapped a hand on his shoulder, before making his way to the other side of the auditorium. Cap then looked out over the packed room, realizing that so many people had come to say their final goodbyes to a fine young woman.
He cleared his throat before saying, "In behalf of my men and our families and the folks at Rampart, we want to say thank you to you all for being here today. Karen was a truly remarkable young woman and she will always be missed.
"She came to our station when she was in her early twenties. She had lost both parents in a terrible accident when she was just eighteen. She had been with the department for six months when her station was called to a pileup on the 405. Her parents died in that accident."
He paused before going on, " Despite the tragedy in her life, she had a truly sunny personality that shone through her whole life. She truly touched every life she came into. She loved her job as a fire fighter, but she loved being a paramedic even more. She loved helping people and took her job seriously. She had been injured a few times, but it always was helping others out of a burning building or something like that.
"When we found out she had cancer and it was terminal, it was a shock. Here was this young, vivacious, loving young woman, and she had just a short time left."
The tears began to fall freely as Cap went on, "We tried to spend as much time with Karen as we could. She was able to work up until about a month or so ago. By then, she had lost too much weight, and just walking from the locker room to the kitchen in our station was exhausting for her. We knew her time was limited."
Cap stopped to wipe the tears that were falling before saying, "We'll always miss you Karen. Your death caused a void in our hearts that cannot ever be filled. We love you so much."
Cap looked out over the audience to see that there was not a dry eye in the room. It was then Chief Houts came back to the podium as Cap went back to sit with his men.
"Thank you Captain Stanley for your eulogy. Karen will be missed ever so much."
The chief then asked for the pall bearers to come to the front of the room. The six men of A Shift plus Kel Brackett and Mike Morton were the ones to carry Karen's casket outside of the auditorium. Engine 51 was waiting as the eight men carried the casket over to the engine. They very carefully slid her casket on to the top of the engine.
Karen's turnout was draped over the back of Squad 51 with her helmet. As soon as everything was in place, the procession began the journey to the cemetery, which was less than four blocks from the auditorium.
The six men of A Shift walked behind the engine and squad, walking past all those who had turned out for the funeral.
They all had tears falling down their faces, remembering the young woman that was no longer with them. Cap and Mike were remembering her blithe laugh and warm smile. Chet was thinking of the pranks they had played on each other and Johnny. Marco was remembering all the times they cooked together. And Johnny and Roy were thinking of all fun they had had with Karen, not only at work, but even on days off.
The journey to the cemetery did not take long, and soon, Karen's casket was lowered into the cold ground to her final resting place.
E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!
After the funeral, the six members of A Shift and their families met at the Desoto's' home to reminisce. It was only after they had brought in some pictures they had found at Karen's apartment when everyone had gone when Johnny picked up a white envelope that had fallen to the ground.
To say he was shocked was an understatement. In the envelope was a letter addressed to he and the others. Johnny got everyone's attention, "Hey everyone, this is addressed to us. it's a letter, from Karen."
"Read it Gage," Chet said, holding a picture of he and Karen that had been taken at the Fireman's Picnic when he had lost a bet to her and he had to sing in drag. Tears were sliding down his face as he remembered how much fun they had had together.
Once everyone had quieted down, he began to read to them.
I know that if you are reading this letter that I am no longer living. I am sorry that I had to leave you. Apparently the cancer was too much and took my life. I am writing this letter because I know I never will be able to put in to words what I want to say. So, bear with me as I write this letter.
To Dixie, Kel, Joe and Mike, I really enjoyed working with you all so much. Dixie, you truly inspired me to realize that even though I was a woman, I could do all I wanted to do in my life. Also, thank you for always being there when I needed a listening ear. To the Docs, I thank you for putting me back together those few times I was injured on the job. Thank you for never demeaning me even though I was working in a field that was mainly men. I love you all so much.
To Mike and Beth, thank you for all those times you let me baby sit for the twins when you wanted a night on the town, especially after I found out I had cancer. You can never know how much taking care of the kids helped me, because I knew I never would have children of my own. Mike, you have been a quiet tower of strength for me through the years I have been working at the station. Thank you for your quiet strength and wonderful sense of humor.
To Marco, I always had fun helping you and Chet at your Mom's house. Please tell your mom how much I really loved going shopping with her and eating her fantastic tamales, well all of her food! I always enjoyed the times we went out with Chet and Johnny and just hung out together. I still remember that time we went bowling and beat the pants off of Chet and Johnny. I think they still think we cheated, even though we know we didn't. Thank you for all your help with pranks when I needed it. You are a terrific guy Marco and I hope someday a wonderful senorita comes into your life.
To Chet, what can I say my friend? Your humor and pranks will always be the highlight of my life. I really had so much fun when we had that bet. There is a picture in my box that I want you to have. I think Emily Stanley took it right after you fulfilled your payment of the bet, when you had to sing in drag. I pulled that picture out at least once or twice a week to have a good laugh. But remember Chet, below that joking exterior of yours, lies a kind, caring man who truly looks out for others. Always remember that Chet.
Roy, you and JoAnne and the kids I know always cared so much for me. I always did enjoy coming over when Johnny did to hang out with JoAnne. Your kids are so well behaved and will grow up to be responsible adults some day. You are wonderful parents. Thank you Roy for always believing in me when others said I would never make it. I will never forget that kindness.
Oh Johnny, what can I say? You are and always will be my brother. We had so many good times, didn't we? Never let anyone tell you that your boyish enthusiasm for life is a hindrance; it's just the opposite. It is truly what makes you, well, you. God you have done so much for me Johnny. Thank you so much for all you did for me, my friend.
And finally, to Emily and Hank. Thank you so much for taking me in as one of your daughters. After mom and dad died, I never thought I would be happy again. But you changed that for me. You two always were there after those horrible shifts when I needed to just talk. Thank you for caring for me like you two did.
Well, I must bring this letter to a close, as I am getting ready to go to the station. I love you all so much and I know you will miss me. I will miss you all too. Just remember that our lives are like a candle in the wind. I know that my candle is close to being extinguished. But I consider it an honor and pleasure that I have been able to get to know you all.
I love you all so very much.
Love,
Karen
No one said anything for a full five minutes, all crying openly. It was Cap who spoke for all who were present, "We will miss you too Karen. Your life may have been like a candle in the wind, but your memory will forever live on."