I don't own the Lyrics: This is Gospel By: PANIC! At the Disco
I don't own any Tos:DotNW Characters
This is gospel for the fallen ones
Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories
Ratatosk fell with a thud after being mortally wounded by Richter. A hiss leaving him after his form was consumed by the core, where he rested. His chamber of slumber. It frustrated him that he was here again. He spent over 4,000 years in permanent slumber, he didn't want to go back. Not After what those mortals had done to his tree. His tree that was left in decay. Fear and sadness gripped at his heart momentarily. What was going to happen to him now that he failed to protect the only thing he cared and loved. He had no other duty except for the gate. A gate that didn't need him. No one was stupid enough to want to open it, so what was his use anymore. Nothing. Not anymore at least. He couldn't continue without knowing, but his core left him trapped. Why did he anger Richter? Why did he kill Aster? Was it out of anger or sadness? Frustration? Why did he let his emotions get the better of him? If he had a form, he would be crying. No doubt about it. It was this trembling fear that ripped at his heart.
He spent a year like this. In fear and doubt. In sadness and guilt. A voice called to him, pleading for him to help them. Save them. No, he wasn't worthy. They should find someone else... but maybe if he helped them, his heart might be at ease. Maybe, if he gave back what he took, he could find peace with his unbalanced heart. He reached to help her, beckoning to her request. Burning sensation took over and he felt all that he knew being ripped away. It hurt, It hurt too much to bear but he tried to suck it up. Only to see light fade back into darkness. With all that was left being a broken heart made in two. Sadness and Fear was gone from his figure and all that was left was a confused anger and bitterness. A state of wanting to get back, but at what? He couldn't remember. What had happened to him? Who was he? He couldn't remember anything. Though he heard a name come down. Emil. Was he Emil? He wondered, but accepted the name nonetheless.
He laid there in silence for a long time just watching. He saw how this... other him kept getting beat up and yelled at. Torn down and made to be like nothing. He felt slightly guilty that he couldn't help him. Yet said nothing. It's not like they would hear him. Would they? Things started getting interesting when the other started going off and helping this... familiar red head. He couldn't place why but he knew them. For some reason his heart soared with anger just looking at the other, but he kept his mouth shut nonetheless. He sat up in surprise at this dog like monster. He knew it too, but from where? Where did he recognize them and why did he feel an over abundance of loyalty and trust in judgement. He was quickly whisked away during his thoughts. He felt like he was being pulled somewhere. Where though? A blink and a startled realization was that he was in control. He was no longer just observing. Which meant he wasn't just existing for no reason, he had a reason and he was going to try and learn what it was. He received a new name though. A name that brought a sense of insignificance in his heart. Ratatosk-Mode. He didn't like the name. He preferred the name Emil over some kind of mode for a name. He kept silent on it though.
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
The gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds
But they haven't seen the best of us yet
Emil accepted the pact and felt a being inside of him become free. A new heart beating in freedom. It scared him at first but he was instantly calmed by the others Aura. He couldn't explain it but he felt like he could entrust the other with his heart and allow the other to fight their battles from now on. He couldn't. Fighting scared him, mostly because Uncle Alba always yelled at him and beat him up badly for just existing. He felt so insignificant. So worthless. He was so happy that this pact allowed him to breath easy during the battles. Watching, what was dubbed Ratatosk-Mode, do all the fighting and the banter, it made Emil kinda look forward to the battles now. The other seemed so powerful and so courageous. Like nothing could stop him. Well, Except for Lloyd. Lloyd plagued his nightmares. How could he kill his parents and all of those innocent people. If it wasn't for him, he would still be with them. His heart ached in sadness, but this sadness felt old. Very old. Emil never understood why his sadness and fear felt second nature, as if always being there, but sometimes he wondered if he was always prone to such sadness and timidness. Maybe he was nothing more than a coward.
He and Ratatosk-mode began traveling with Marta and little by little, Emil realized that Ratatosk-mode had a fowl mouth and very animal like personality. A loose canon. It scared him slightly but the other seemed to love Marta. Wanting to protect every ounce of her. Emil didn't know how he felt about Marta. He saw her as a friend, but did Ratatosk-mode see her as a friend? He didn't know. What he did know is that the other hated Richter. He wanted to know why. He's felt nothing but grateful that Richter helped him. Maybe he was foolish and the other was right. Every corner they turned, it seemed like Marta was throwing herself at him. Both of them. It was starting to become overbearing. He didn't know what to do about it. Maybe if he said nothing she would stop?
The enemies they met were becoming increasingly scary and dangerous. He now wanted more than anything to help Ratatosk-mode and fight alongside him. Maybe if they were together, they would be stronger? He wanted that so much. To be stronger and not the weakling that he is. Maybe he could fight alongside and show Richter and Lloyd that they have yet to see the best of them yet.
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart
Marta was unbearable. He had to protect her because that was his duty as 'Ratatosk-mode', Whatever in the hell that meant. One second she was trying to reel him in with actions and words and then the next second she was angry at him and wanted him gone. What was her deal anyway. Did she, or did she not need him? Ever since Emil got it through her head that they aren't who she's makes them out to be, she's been nothing but... a spaz. It now seemed like she wanted them for them now. No, wait. She wanted Emil. What did she see in such a wimp anyway?! Emil always called for him for fights, never did any of his own. Emil always called upon him when the idiot was scared or confused and it pissed him off. Why couldn't Emil just put up with something on his own?! He digressed. Marta was being a pain and he didn't want her to get the wrong idea. He didn't lover her. He just cared enough to protect her.
His thinking stopped when she slapped him and belted 'You're despicable'. Something inside of him felt crushed. Was it Emil? No, It couldn't be. It wasn't his heart was it? Whatever it was, it hurt. It reminded him of... an overbearing sadness that he tried getting rid of before. When did he try to get rid of it, and where did it go that he was able to hold it off until now? Why did those words hurt so much? Was he truly despicable? Sure he said those things about that woman but... He didn't mean it. He didn't want to seem like a fool was all. He didn't know how to react about that woman. Did that make him despicable? He felt his world crumbling a part inside of him and he didn't know how to make it stop. She wasn't listening to him. She didn't want him. So it's official. It has to be Emil. Why did he care? He didn't love her. He thought of her as a friend. Someone he had to protect. If he had to be honest, he never wanted to be hers but then. What did he want? Was he fighting with Emil over something as simple as wanting a friendship? Was he calling Emil weak because he... wanted Marta to be friends with him more than Emil? Has he finally sunken low enough yet.
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
This is gospel for the vagabonds,
Naturals and insufferable bastards
Confessing their apostasies
Led away by imperfect impostors
Emil felt like he was wondering around. Like some homeless person. One second he was right there and then the next, shunned into darkness by his other self. Whenever he came back, the conversation was convoluted and he clearly missed a lot of important events. Everyone around him seemed to be on edge and tense, as if he was going to flip again. It worried him. He didn't want his friends to fear him, but what could he do to get his other self to stop hurting people. What has caused Ratatosk-mode to be so angry lately? It seemed like Ratatosk-mode swore more often and has lately been calling everyone a Bastard. Now that he thought about it, Marta got into a fight with his other self. Emil thought they resolved that though! That they were ok with each other again.
What had Emil at relief and at ease was knowing the truth. Lloyd didn't kill all of those innocent people. Decus did. However, Emil didn't know if he had the right to even care anymore. Emil is just... A figment of Ratatosk's imagination. Just a cover up for him. Ratatosk wasn't a mode like everyone had thought. It bothered him. Why did the other play along then, and why did they still have a grudge against Lloyd. Was it because Lloyd still had Lumen's core? But surely Lloyd had plans on giving it back though! Lloyd confessed everything that he was doing, so then... Why did Ratatosk reject it all.
Ratatosk threatened Lloyd and forcefully took back the core. That was it. If Emil was able to be just as worthy of the position as Summon Spirit as Ratatosk was, then he was going to do it. He was going to seal Ratatosk away. Then he could be the perfect imposter of Ratatosk and no one would be the wiser. He had a plan in mind. He was going to set everything straight with everyone. He was going to stop Richter and make Richter understand. Then stage an act to provoke the others into battle him and letting them win. He was going to seal the gate. He was going to make everything right through the act of sacrifice. He could do it. This is what he wanted for both sides of himself. To just set things right.
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Don't try to sleep through the end of the world
Bury me alive
'Cause I won't give up without a fight
Ratatosk was trapped in the back of the mind. Emil finally decided to stand on his own and this was the result. He mineswell sleep. It's not like he was coming out now. Verius made sure of that. A part of him rebelled against that thought. He was sick of sleeping, sick of being forced down and into a desperate emotion of turmoil. If he hadn't let his emotion taken over his judgement this wouldn't be happening. He wouldn't be trapped in this pitiful form, locked away had he not killed Aster. He wondered what fate would have in store if he killed Richter instead. Aster didn't seem like he could fight. Then again, Aster was a scientist. What fate would be in store if it happened? The question was more of a 'Why didn't he just agree to solve the problem and find a different means of coping?'
He watched Emil gain his courage and watched the other fight on with the hope of taking his place. He could laugh at Emil's plan. It was childish and selfish. Sacrifice everything because deep down, Emil was still afraid. Ratatosk wasn't going to sit idle then. He had a feeling that Emil will need his help to rest or order to mana and seal the gate without running away through the act of sacrifice. He doesnt care if Emil gets what he wants because going down without a fight didn't fit in Ratatosk's agenda.
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart
Emil defeated Richter, and everything was going according to plan. That was... Until Marta and Lloyd caught on to his little act. Fear gripped at him. They wanted him to live and do this. They never wanted to revert him to core. He truly was unfit for this, wasn't he? A sigh escapes him. Facing Ratatosk riled up his nerves and he swore he was going to feel sick, but kept it down because he had something he needed to do. Something he needed to prove. He was going to get Ratatosk to understand. He wanted that.
They agreed to help each other to the common goal, to seal the gate and make it so the world no longer needed mana or centurions. Even him. Everyone was saying their goodbyes and wishing him farewell. His heart hurt, watching his friends leave him here, but it needed to happen. He wasn't going to be alone anymore though. Richter was going to stay as well and help. Ratatosk called it punishment. He called it a round about way to have company. Marta's goodbye was the hardest. Why couldn't she just say goodbye? Why must she hurt his heart so? They weren't lovers, just friends, so... Why was she doing this to him. Did their journey mean nothing? She was going to be dead by the time he was done. A goodbye now is better than a goodbye never. Didn't she know that it hurts enough having to say goodbye? She left. She was gone. What was done is done. That was, until Ratatosk left the body and sent Emil back into the world. Shattering themselves away from eachother. What was he doing!? Didn't they need each other?
"Live out the rest of your mortal life, Emil."
Oh, the fear of falling apart