So what we have here is my debut into the wrestling fanfic community and most possibly, the most cracky thing I have ever written... This is dedicated to my very good friend captainbartholomew, who also is kind of responsible for this...thing. She took me to a live wrestling taping, where they inexplicably played a Pop Eyes commercial during Randy's appearence, and I questioned why. This is the result.
Disclaimer: Heh, I obviously don't write for WWE; as exemplified 'why not' right here in this fic. I also don't own L'oreal or Pop Eyes...
"Good, now that we have decided on a new contact with L'oreal because… we're worth it, let's discuss the Orton situation, as suggested by Intern Eve. So by all means, Intern Eve, proceed with your proposal." With this statement, Barry McMullin, the head of WWE's Sales & Partnership Marketing, sat down.
Intern Eve grinned widely and stood in front of the Sales & Partnership Marketing team. Behind her, a power point commenced, projecting onto the blank wall and showcasing a photo of the notorious Heel, Randy Orton. "Okay, thanks so much for your attention to this important issue, especially since it means quite a lot to me. As we all know Mr. Orton has quite the rep."
The power point now transitioned to a photo of Randy Orton, looking his normal B.A. self. "He is a certified bad boy, a Legend Killer, The Viper, and makes women swoon with just the power of his abs."
Various members of the marketing team nod in agreement and one man, Al, gazed dreamily at the photo. "But since we now have such a large and an ever-growing demographic of young children, we need to reconsider this image, especially since Mr. Orton is now in his mid-thirties and has a daughter. We need to reconstruct his image to be more family-appropriate."
Barry McMullin nodded. "What did you have in mind?"
Now, let me point out the fact that for whatever reason (read, body envy: can you blame him? Damn, those abs, drool-worthy biceps, and mercifully tiny trucks), Barry McMullin has always hated Randy Orton. Keep this fact in mind as it will be important.
Intern Eve smiled. "I'm glad you asked! We need to wrangle the Viper!"
The power point transitioned again to another picture of a badly photo-shopped image of Randy Orton, wearing a chicken suit. "And introduce the Roaring Randall Rooster!"
The conference room was silent since the flummoxed team's collective brain sizzled to a crisp. Barry McMullin cackled.
"Umm, sir?"
"I love it! Brilliant!"
Intern Eve beamed. "Great! Phase one is subliminal messaging!"
As preparation for Randy Orton's gradual transformation into a walking, clucking land fowl, advertisements for Pop Eye's Bonafide Fried Chicken began to appear before and after Randy's matches. Eventually, Intern Eve became gutsy enough to play them during the matches.
"You know, I don't think I really get it…" One marketing team member whispered to Al while watching the match. "If Randy is going to be- uh – Roaring Randall Rooster, why are we promoting eating fried chicken? Isn't that kinda messed up?"
Al scratched his chin sagely. "Eh maybe…" He tilted his head to the side and eyed up the image of screen-printed chicken tenders and the message #BISCUITLOVE that now resided on the back of Randy's new wrestling trunks. "All I know is that I really, really want some damn chicken."
Al was never the brightest team member.
"Now, we have phase one, sub-phase two!" Intern Eve giggled. "More subliminal messages!"
Barry McMullin cackled.
Every time Randy would enter the ring, a crow echoed throughout the stadium and as he stepped forward towards his opponent, clucks sounded, matching each of his steps.
The team member groaned and shook her head at Al, who shrugged.
"Phase two is!" Intern Eve paused dramatically. "Wait for it!" She eyed the captive? captured (That sounds more accurate.) audience. "Phase two is FEATHERS!"
Someone coughed but otherwise there was a lackluster response.
"FEATHERS!" Barry McMullin screamed. "I love it!"
It started subtly. Heh, that is a total lie. There is nothing subtle about the new costume that Intern Eve designed and proposed.
Feathers
FEATHERS
Many, many feathers…
Randy showed up to his next match in his customary costume, except with a few new additions…
The team member leaned closer to Al once again. "Um, am I the only one that thinks that this new costume is kinda… distracting? Or uh impractical?"
Al scratched the side of his head and gazed at Randy, eyes drifting down from the new black feathers that now adorn his wrestling trunks down to the fluffy knee pads and ending on the downy boots. His eyes focused back on the trunks and he admired how the feathers clung to the solid muscles.
The team member shook her head. "It isn't even well-made! I swear Intern Eve just hot glued freaking, craft feathers onto his old uniform. I mean they keep on falling off every time he moves!"
And it was true. As Randy preformed his signature RKO, a poof! of feathers exploded from his trunks and happily floated down onto both Orton and Seth Rollins. When Randy stood up, the feathers stuck onto his glistening abs. More middle aged women swooned across the audience.
"Umm, Al?" The team member snapped her fingers in front of Al's face as he began to drool slightly.
"Wha-? Oh, yeah, I'm digging it, definitely," Al babbled.
The team member buried her head in her hands.
"Phase three!" Intern Eve screamed. "He needs a plucky sidekick!"
"Heh, don't you mean, clucky?" The team member snarked.
Intern Eve pointed dramatically into the audience. "EXACTLY! I like your mind! Your thought process is brilliant, on par with mine!"
The team member sweat dropped.
"He needs a clucky sidekick! Charlie the Chick!"
Barry McMullin was always supportive of hot women sidekicks, seeing as he was a sexist pig.
From this point on, Randy was joined by a busty, platinum blonde woman, wearing leather pants with several long feathers that were placed in the back belt loops, a crop top, and what seemed to be Hulk Hogan's feather boa.
"Okay, I really don't understand this one!" The team member told Al. "She doesn't even do anything!"
This is true. Charlie the Chick only would strut around the perimeter of the ring, eating neon gummy worms. If any of the opposing wrestlers would get too close, she would hold the ends of her boa and flap her arms, squawking until either one of two events would occur: the alarmed wrestler backing off for fear of catching her poultry crazy or Randy running to her rescue.
Al nodded and ate another one of his Pop Eye's Bonafide Fried Chicken, which burst with bold Louisiana flavor.
"And phase four, complete transition!" Intern Eve's voice exploded in glee, underscored by Barry McMullin's maniacal laughter.
Randy Orton, or the man that was previously known as Randy Orton but now is not Randy Orton but rather only previously was Randy Orton and is no longer going by the name Randy Orton due to a new marketing campaign, which requires him to shed his previous identity of Randy Orton, but that's okay since he now has a new identity that is not Randy Orton, stands triumphantly inside the ring next to Charlie the Chick.
Charlie the Chick bent down to grab the gummy worms she dropped.
Seth Rollins didn't seem to know what to say and was speechless… for the first timein recorded history.
Randy Orton… or rather Roaring Randall the Rooster placed both hands on his hips… or rather both feathered appendages on his … even more feathered trunks. His hair was now styled into a Mohawk, which looked remarkably similar to a chicken's comb, and he sported a beard that was reminiscent to a wattle. He also now donned a skin-tight feathered shirt.
"Oh and he's moving into his signature move the R K CROW!"
The team member shook her head and wondered if she could find a new job. Al continued to gobble down fried chicken. And Intern Eve began playing with the idea of Seth the Sheep Dawg Rollins.
What on earth did you just read? You know? I have absolutely no clue. But share your thoughts, please and review!