"And now, all the colors blend..and I'm growing numb and I've become this empty page. Hold on, it's tragic...stumbling through all this static"

Isn't it funny how no matter what the situation or emotion, there always seems to be a song, at least one song, that relates and describes exactly what a person is going through or feeling?

I have always been able to express my feelings through music. No matter what I'm going through, I always seem to find some lyric or melody that makes me think, "Yes! That is exactly what I'm going through!" I don't know if I'm bad with words or just have a hard time relating how I am feeling about something. But whatever skills that I lack in that sense is compensated for in whole with music.

The problem with this that it works against me almost as much as it helps. Certain lyrics always seem to find a way to remind me of a painful situation and bring back the supressed, hurt emotions.

For the past few years this has been progressively happening more often, reminding me of things I'd much rather forget. Things that just hurt to much to allow myself to think about, at least consiously.

You see, in the back of my mind there is one omnipresent thing, a situation, a relationship, a heartbreak that likes to invade my thoughts. Although I don't always allow my mind to wander to this particular thing, it seems to constantly be there, just waiting for the most inconvenient and vulnerable time to force it's way into my conscious stream of thought. A parasite if you will.

Unfortunately, this parasite is not the only thing that plagues me. You see I also am forced to cope with a constant, chronic pain in my chest. Sometimes sharp and stabbing, but most of the time it's a dull, empty feeling. I guess that is to be expected when you are living without a heart.

Don't get confused now, I'm not a robot or a transplant patient or on life support or anything like that. No, my heart was given away willingly, and with the intention of never accepting it back. But it was okay because I was to recieve one in return, and I did initially.

However, over time it was taken back, piece by piece, ever so slowly. I, of course, was completely oblivious. But now with all that I am left with, empty shells and broken promises, I'm not so sure I ever recieved one to begin with.

So now, after everything that has happened, after the most significant, yet painful chapter in my life, I am left with nothing but an empty chest, a plagued mind, and all of the empty promises whispered late at night that were better left unsaid. Oh and the music. The curse and blessing all wrapped into one personality trait.

How a person becomes this empty, I couldn't tell you. How to deal with the pain and the parasite, well I haven't quite figured that out either. All I can give you is an endless list of songs to describe how I'm feeling and what happened between me and her.

We'll get to that in time, since that's all I have now. After all, that's what it takes to get over painful and devastating things right? Time?

Whether I really believe that or not is insignificant because really, what else have I got?