Disclaimers: Have Been Moved to the End

A/N: Don't ask what inspired me to have the cast of House do a musical, because I don't know either.

Chapter One
"Pata Pata" / Casting Call

Sacude bien la cadera asa pata pata
Sacude bien la cadera asa pata pata
Sacude bien la cadera asa pata pata
Sacude bien la cadera asa pata pata

Y meneaba y meneaba asa pata pata
Y meneaba y meneaba asa pata
Y meneaba y meneaba asa pata pata
Y meneaba y meneaba asa pata

Lisa Cuddy looked anxiously over the shoulder of the gentleman in front of her. "What are they doing?"

"Rehearsing 'Pata Pata'…Which might end up as the closing number. Or somewhere in the middle. Claire hasn't decided yet."

Stacy Warner joined Lisa in the aisle. "What's 'Pata Pata' and who's Claire?"

"Claire is the Director, Choreographer and Swing," replied the gentleman patiently. "I don't admit to understanding very much about the history of the tune, but as far as I've heard, 'Pata Pata' is a traditional South African social song. There is a dance that goes with it,but Claire decided she wanted a bit more of a Latin feel to it, hence what you're seeing in front of you. At any rate, 'Pata Pata' is a songClaire heard on television the other nightand she became determined to do something with it."

"The first thing being to get rid of that silly bunny hop," interjected a second gentleman, who had suddenly appeared by Lisa's shoulder.

"Which is not part of the original dance," added the first.

"Right."

"Claire is so mad about 'Pata Pata' that she even went off and learned a bit of Xhosa, so she could sing the song properly."

By the time the men were finished discussing the song, the cast of the production had cleared off the stage and Claire was clapping her hands.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Claire Havilland and I am the director of your lovely little production. I see some of you have already met my loyal staff members…We have one of our producers, William Morrison." She pointed to the second gentleman. "Our casting director, Arthur Robinson." Claire gestured to a third gentleman that was coming down the aisle. "Our other producer, Matthew Parker." She pointed to the first gentleman. "And of course, our lovely choreographer, Bagaelia, who I am told is outside taking a call at the moment."

Claire hopped off the stage and got closer to the crowd that was milling about the aisles. "Now, if you will all take your seats, Arthur is handing out copies of the libretto and we will begin here in a moment."

As the scripts began filtering through the audience, groans rent the air.

"Fiddler on the Roof? Why Fiddler on the Roof?"

"Can't we do Cabaret?"

"What about Phantom?"

"I was hoping for Thoroughly Modern Millie or Forever Plaid."

"How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying?"

"You aren't going to succeed with Fiddler! What about Jesus Christ Superstar or maybe Godspell?"

"If we can't get romantic with The Phantom of the Opera, at least give us The King and I!"

"Miss Saigon would be fun!"

"At least it's not The Music Man. If I've seen that show once, I've seen it a thousand times!"

When everyone finished complaining, they found Claire back on stage.

"Are we all quite finished?" Claire's hands were on her hips and she gave everyone a look as if they had all been naughty children. "You're all quite suited to this musical, whether you like it or not.

"We'll start from the top." The director opened up a notebook, pattered down the stairs, and took her seat toward the back of the house with her producers.

"I need someone to read Tevye. He's a heavyset gentleman, anywhere from 45-65 years of age, and is able to sing baritone, about low A flat to high F. Any takers?" Clearly annoyed by the silence, Claire continued, "Doctor Wilson. How about you?"

"Oh, no. I couldn't."

The director rolled her eyes. "Golde, a stubborn woman from age 40 to 55. She is a Mezzo, and can handle from low A to E flat. Ms. Warner, give it a try."

"Uh…no."

"Uh, yes."

"I don't think so, Ms. Havilland. I'm sorry."

"Alright. Next we have Tzeital, Tevye and Golde's eldest daughter, who is anywhere from 18-25. She's in love with the tailor and is a Mezzo who can make it from low B to D sharp. Doctor Cameron, would you give the part of Tzeital a try?"

Allison gave a fake cough, then croaked, "I think I'm losing my voice."

Claire sighed and rolled her eyes. "None of you want to do Fiddler on the Roof, do you?"

"We said that before!" Gregory House exclaimed.

"Fine, fine. We'll take a ten minute break and when we come back, we'll be working from the libretto to Phantom of the Opera, and I will have the cast completely set. There will be no auditions and no changes. Now shoo!"

Disclaimer: House, M.D., it's cast, characters and plotsare property of Heel & Toe Films, NBC Universal Television, Bad Hat Harry Productions and Shore Z Productions. The show was created by David Shore and has been written by Gloria Muzio, Daniel Attias, Paris Barclay and many, many more.

The Fiddler on the Roof was written by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick, and has been produced by too many companies to name since birth several decades ago.

The Phantom of the Opera was written by Gaston Leroux and turned into a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber, withlyrics by Charles Hart and Richard Stilgoe. The musical is currently property of the Really Useful Group, and the libretto I am working from is in the back of The Complete Phantom of the Opera by George Perry.

Pata Pata is a traditional South African social song, and is most often sung by Miriam Makeba.

uP tHiNg is a magical extravaganza currently in concept form. The show was written and choreographed by Sanar and will be produced by RisingSun Productions after it has completed gestation and found the proper backing.