Hellsing and Samurai Champloo REMIX
By: TheCreepyNextDoorNeighbor (Kichi/K-Chan)
The moon was high in the sky as shadowy figures battled beneath it. There were no screams or yells but amused chuckles as though those fighting were old friends in a light-hearted sparring match even as they rended one another's flesh with bullets and knives respectively. One of them, Alucard, fired round after round from his ludicrously long silvery gun Cassul his devious vampiric smile shining in the night. Priest Anderson, the other combatant, smiled right back as his bayonets sliced through Alucard's shoulder. Blood erupted from the wound in a crimson spray and Anderson ran through the droplets like a child running through a sprinkler on a hot summer day. Even as his wound healed Alucard blew one of Anderson's white gloved hands off and the priest continued fighting as if it was nothing.
Meanwhile Seras, Alucard's constant companion, watched becoming increasingly disinterested in her master's eccentric tendencies. She lazily aimed her Halcannon at Anderson's head with no intention of firing. If she killed the priest her master would be awfully bored…so she kept her finger off the trigger. However as she looked past Anderson her keen eyes spotted the real reason she was there.
"Master!" Seras called with the air of a mother calling for her child to come home from playing. "They're here." Alucard sighed and turned away from Anderson, the same Anderson who he had been busily turning into Swiss cheese with his gun.
"Where 're ya goin'?"Anderson called as his wounds healed.
"It's time to go to work." Alucard said quietly.
"Aye…I 'spose yer right." He answered sounding disappointed. Seras kept watch as the Nazi vampires closed in prepared to provide cover fire if her master needed it. However she heard the sound of a gun cocking behind her and rolled just in time to avoid a bullet that landed right where her head had been. She whipped around and fired a Halcannon round into the small squad of vampires that had somehow snuck up on her. Instantly the vampires ceased to be. Seras leapt off the thirty story building effortlessly and landed unharmed on the ground. She bounded off to help Alucard who was far from needing help as he used his gloved hands to reduce the vampires to piles of ash. Seras waited for an opening but Alucard, being such an efficient killing machine, destroyed every single vampire that attacked him. However Seras looked into the distance and saw a large group of Vampires carrying a large roughly square mass of boxes and wires.
It's probably a new weapon. Seras realized as she took aim. I'll just take it out and…
Seras let her finger rest on the trigger of the Halcannon.
Seras was correct in assuming that what they were carrying was indeed a weapon and that the vampires were intending to use it on Alucard. However she was unaware of the fact that the weapon was a bomb with the projected strength of three atomic warheads that could be concentrated and kept within a twenty-foot radius of the source. A weapon that he been nearly dropped five times by the overworked and underpaid vampires charged with transporting it. In fact it had fallen on Robert's (one of the vampires) foot and crushed several toes and they only stopped to fire him. I mean he has a wife and kids and….
Seras fired.
The explosion went off with the subtlety of an elephant tap dancing on ice. The universe, upset with this extremely lame metaphor, sent them not only to the Tokugawa era in Japan but put them in an alternate dimension where ancient Japan, for some reason, had modern pop culture references and hip hop. While the inter-dimensional travels were transcending time and space Alucard, Seras, Anderson, and a couple of Nazi vampires were blissfully suspended by cosmic forces but as the space/time tunnel collapsed they made contact with the ground so abruptly even the author winced. While the travelers were still in a stupor they took a moment to take in their surroundings. There was an open blue sky and a field of tall grass so serene that the Nazi vampires felt a feeling of peace bloom within them and thought about how wrong killing was. They gazed heavenward as enlightenment enveloped their minds. Five seconds later they were mercilessly slaughtered courtesy of Anderson and Alucard.
"Where are we?" Seras wondered looking around.
"When are we?" Alucard asked as he looked the road where a man wearing a blue kimono and glasses walked by.
"Jin wait up!" A female voice that sounded like it was full of food called. The man in the blue kimono stopped and looked at her over his glasses. The girl was wearing a pink kimono her brown hair up in a strange ponytail/bun and a pout on her face that was hard to distinguish because of all the dango (rice balls on skewers) she was shoving into her mouth.
"What is it you require Fuu?" Jin asked stiffly.
"Uh…well…"Fuu said losing her train of thought. "Mugen hurry up!" she said covering up the awkward silence.
"Jeez you're loud." A man answered. This one had wild black hair, bright red clothes that could rival Alucard's and the look of a stray dog. "Pipe down and give me one of those." He said scratching his head and pointing to the dango in Fuu's hand.
"No way!" Fuu said as she shoved more into her mouth. "These are mine! Pay back for all of the times you've stolen food from me ya big jerk!"
"Why you little!"Mugen fumed. "If it weren't for me you wouldn't even be eating those!"
"Yeah because you pissed that one rich guy off and killed him! I won't reward that kind of behavior." She said snootily.
"You talking about that one old dude? I didn't mean to kill him!"Mugen retorted.
"Did he just say dude?" Seras wondered as she, Alucard, and Anderson sat in the grass watching. They all felt a strange mixture of interest and horror.
"Oh sure…so your sword just happened to slice his head off?" Fuu said rolling her eyes.
Jin sighed watching bored as the argument slowed down. As Mugen and Fuu were coming to some sort of agreement Jin's gaze made it to the inter-dimensional travelers. Jin poked Mugen and Fuu.
"What?" They said simultaneously. Jin wordlessly turned their heads to look at the Hellsing group.
"What's up with those people's clothes?" Fuu said tactlessly. Mugen walked right up to Anderson but mostly at his bayonets.
"Hey buddy what's up with your knives? They just for show?" Mugen asked his sly and battle ready smirk already on his face.
"O' course not." Anderson said sounding very offended.
"Wanna show me what ya got?" Mugen said putting his hand on his sword. Before Anderson could answer Fuu stepped in between the potential brawlers.
"Can't you control yourself for just one minute? I mean come on! Ya just met this guy and you're already trying to pick a fight! You haven't even told him who you are!" Fuu whined.
"He never asked!" Mugen snapped.
"It's common courtesy to give your name first anyway." Jin cut in coolly. "My name is Jin." He said addressing the bewildered vampires and vampire hunter.
"I'm Fuu!" Fuu chimed in.
"Mugen." Mugen added sullenly.
"I'm police g-I mean Seras!" She said offering her hand to shake with Jin. When Jin didn't oblige she pulled her hand back and blushed slightly.
"I'm from the Vatican Iscariot Section XIII Paladin Alexander Anderson." Anderson offered.
"Alucard." Alucard finished.
"Where are we?" Seras asked.
"Good question," was Fuu's response. "We're kind of lost our selves at the moment." She said smiling sheepishly.
"What did you go and tell them that for!" Mugen fumed.
"It's the truth." Fuu said crossing her arms.
"Our situation is due to our collective inability to read maps correctly." Jin said with an expression that was a mixture of annoyance and embarrassment. He got out a folded up map. "Perhaps you could make more sense of it?" Seras took the map and studied it for a minute.
"Oh!" She cried.
"What? Can you tell where we are?" Fuu asked excitedly.
"No…I just remembered I can't read Japanese." Seras answered. "Master could you-
Alucard shook his head and Seras looked at Anderson hopefully to find him deep within a book labeled "How to Read Kanji for Dummies" that the author had given him for plot convenience.
"Give it 'ere" Anderson said smugly. He studied the map for a few minutes."We're on the outskirts of Kyoto."
"Kyoto?!" Fuu cried."I thought we'd be a lot closer to Edo by now!"
"Thank you for your assistance." Jin said politely.
"I don't suppose that since we…helped you that you would help us get home…would you?" Seras asked.
"You suppose right lady! We've got enough on our plate keeping ourselves alive." Mugen snarled.
"Mugen!" Fuu muttered elbowing him in the ribs. "We'll do our best!" Fuu said brightly.
"However you will have to pay for your own food and lodgings." Jin added.
"Fair enough!" Seras agreed.
"So how did you guys get here anyway?" Fuu asked as they started walking.
"Well…" Seras paused as she tried to figure out how best to condense and explain vampires, London, atomic bombs, tap dancing elephants, and inter-dimensional travel, so that a rather ditzy-hip-hop-Tokugawa-period Japanese-teenage girl could understand…and failed. "I'm not quite sure but I know it involved a large explosion so that's probably how we'll get back. Seras explained.
"Oh." Fuu responded.
"Well lady you either need lots of money to buy explosives or you need to steal lots of explosives." Mugen muttered.
"I'm not lady! I'm Seras!" Seras responded slightly miffed that the people-who-forget-her-name-and-call-her-lady/girl-joke had followed her into this dimension.
"Whatever, lady." Mugen sighed.
"There's an inn jus' up ahead." Anderson announced. As the travelers approached the inn night fell and the sun went out in a blaze of glory staining the few clouds in the sky like fire and roses. The world became blue and silver as the moon rose and the author pondered if she could pad out the paragraph anymore until she realized she was inadvertently adding her thoughts to the fan fic.
"I wish this description would end I'm getting tired of walking." Fuu whined.
"Yeah." Everyone agreed.
"Fine." The author sighed. The group arrived at the inn and filed inside.
"Welcome to the Nami no Inn*. How can I help you?" A cheerful woman asked.
"We need a room and some grub." Mugen said holding up a bag of coins.
"Certainly!" The woman said beaming.
"Will you be paying together or separately?" She asked.
"Separately."Mugen said forking over the cash.
"Master…" Seras said turning to Alucard."…how are we going to pay for this?" Alucard wordlessly stepped forward and looked straight into the innkeeper's eyes.
"So how much was the room?" Alucard crooned.
"T-ten ryo." She quavered.
"Hm…"Alucard said rummaging through his coat pockets. He pulled out his hand holding a key chain with a miniature rubber duck attached. "Here you are."
"Thank you." She said sighing with relief as Alucard turned away. She looked at the keychain in her hand and opened her mouth as if to protest but promptly closed it as Alucard stopped.
"Is there a problem?" He asked.
"No! No problems…have a nice stay." She managed to sputter. Alucard kept walking.
As the Hellsing group made themselves comfortable or as comfortable as possible on their tatami mats they pondered how they would get home.
"Do they even have bombs in ancient Japan?"Seras groaned.
"I think they have fire works." Anderson answered.
"Isn't that China though?" Seras asked.
"Here they have words like "dude" and "buddy", for some reason we understand Japanese but can't read it, and we were walking around in broad day light without a hint of adverse effects. Either we are in an alternate reality of Japan or are at the mercy of a negligent author. I'm sure they have fire works." Alucard reassured them.
"So we need to steal us some fireworks." Seras finished. There was a knocking at the door and without waiting for someone to answer the door Fuu walked in.
"So what are you going to do?" Fuu asked.
"We're going to go steal us some fireworks." Seras repeated.
"Oh there's a fireworks factory just down the road!" Fuu said pointing out the window. Sure enough right next door there was an enormous fireworks factory.
"When did that get there?" Seras asked.
"Plot convenience." Alucard said darkly.
"We attack at dawn." Fuu murmured.
"No we attack before dawn." Anderson corrected.
"Fine." Fuu sighed. So after they hastily left the inn they stared blankly at the fire works factory because of their failure to come up with a plan before hand.
"Plan Shman! Lets just bust in!" Fuu said excitedly. Mugen, Anderson, and Jin cut a hole in the wall which Fuu walked through Alucard phased through the wall that was still intact and Seras used the front door which was unlocked. The factory was very stuffy and cramped with boxes and kegs filled fire works, powders, and wicks. The smell of burnt toast and egg salad hung in the air.
"What kind are we looking for?" Jin asked.
"I don't know but we'll know it when we see it." Seras replied.
"Here I'll get us some light." Mugen muttered. He left for a few minutes and returned with a lit torch.
"Um Mugen…" Fuu began.
"What now?" Mugen growled. He whipped the torch around to face Fuu but as he did the torch brushed a thick rope. The rope however turned out to be a wick.
"Bringing a lit torch into a fireworks factory…your stupidity amazes me even to this day Mugen." Jin sighed as he whipped out his sword and deftly sliced the fuse severing the flaming wick from the unused portion. "Mugen…give the torch to Fuu." Jin ordered. Mugen shoved the torch into Fuu's hands glaring all the while.
Seras began grabbing boxes and kegs and once she had a stack several times taller than herself they turned to exit in single file. Jin left through their hole in the wall followed by Mugen. However just as Fuu was about to exit she began twitching this was followed by laughter as if she was being tickled mercilessly.
"Momo stop!" Fuu gasped, referring to her pet squirrel. Fuu's erratic movement succeeded in knocking over boxes and barrels practically blocking the exit. Fuu dropped the torch and seconds later realized her mistake as a crate caught fire. She scrambled out of the factory just as more crates blocked the exit.
The Hellsing group was not as fortunate.
"Crap." Seras said.
"I concur." Alucard agreed.
"Well this is as good a time as any to pray or hope it works." Anderson said proceeding to draw a cross over his chest
The fireworks factory caught fire and showed that handing Fuu the torch was the equivalent of handing a pyromaniac a match and a gallon of gasoline. The fireworks went out in a raging and spectacular inferno that imploded the factory out of existence.
"Cool." Fuu, Jin, and Mugen said in unison. With a small and disappearing sense of guilt settling into the pits of their stomachs the trio walked away from the scene.
EPILOGUE:
The explosion caused by the fireworks propelled the Hellsing characters through time and space and abruptly dropped them.
"Are we home?" Seras mumbled in the fetal position nauseated by their travel.
"I don't know." Alucard and Anderson said at the same time. There was a rustling in the bushes and a teenage boy emerged. He had an orange jumpsuit, blonde hair and odd whisker markings along his cheeks. He paused as he looked at the scared Hellsing group. A man with spiky white hair and a mask joined the boy although his attention was deep within the book he was reading. He seemed aware that something strange was about to happen and was doing his best to ignore it.
"Hey Kakashi-Sensei! What's that!?" The strange orange ninja said rudely shouting and pointing at the disheveled group. They all looked at each other slowly.