I'll Have a Blue Christmas Without You
I figured I'd do a Christmas type one shot. Its kinda Christmas-y it takes place during that holiday.
Disclaimer is on my profile page.
I sat on the couch, holding my boyfriend's cold hand, he just came in from the usual winter breeze. Dad just plugged in the final string of lights on the tree. The blue lights shined beautifully in the dim light of the living room.
Sadie was here with Kwest, looking like they were about to burst with love. Wally and Kyle were sitting in front of me, talking about how they could go for some eggnog. Even Spied and his wife showed.
Blissfully happy was synonymous with me, to everyone around me. But inside I'm falling apart. That's putting it lightly, I scoffed at my silliness.
"Something wrong Jude," he asked with a bit of annoyance in his tone.
"No," I said with an insincere air of contentment, turning back towards my family. I looked down at our binded hands, thinking of how it felt. To be with this person and not really feel anything at all.
It's been months since he left the country, and me. I'm not sure how long its been; I've just kept myself busy with my music, Jamie has me producing two artists at the moment. I have my own album I want to work on, and I keep getting the inkling I'm going to be helping with some wedding planning.
Jamie put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. I wanted rip myself away but I knew I wouldn't. I'll just let him show me off, like he always does and smile and play along.
Is he so dense he doesn't see I'm miserable?
I haven't been me for too long. Way too long. I've been trying to keep up with Jamie's incessant need for perfection. Trying so hard I've let my own personality die with my heart.
Another sigh passed through me as I looked at all the people who came to spend the holiday with me. But the one I wanted most wasn't there. He's told me before that he won't be coming back, but this time I think he's going to keep his word.
I looked about to see Dad disappeared. Where could that man have gone? He'll want to be here when Sadie get proposed to. I know he's going to do it tonight. The nervousness of his features and the shakiness in his speech tell me I'm right.
I looked to the left to see Kwest's hand trembling as he reached into his pocket. "Sadie," I watched as he scooted over to face her. "I've wanted to ask you this for some time now." This is it, he's going to pop the question. Kwest eased off the couch and onto his knee. Sadie already had tears in her eyes. I missed most of what he said, I zoned out after got on his knee. "Marry me?" I smiled the appropriate smile and met Sadie's eyes.
A pitying smile crossed her lips as she stared back at me. She knows how wrong I feel... or don't. However you want to word it. If only I wasn't too late that day. If only I wasn't distracted for those agonizing minutes, I would've made it on time. Jamie kept trying to convince me to come to his record label. He diverted my attention almost as if he knew I was running out of time. No matter how much I tried he wouldn't let me go.
I feel like I should blame him for what happened, but I don't. Fate was telling me that it wouldn't have worked. I keep trying to not think about him, but it gets harder each day. I wanted, hoped, for the opposite but I'm not that fortunate. "Excuse me," I said to Jamie so he'd move his possessive arm from around me.
I went into the kitchen, wanting a moment to mourn the loss of the only man I'll ever love. I can see his face swimming in my mind. But I can't remember the exact color of his eyes. I only know they're blue. I can see his lips but I don't recall the softness. His calloused hands, how did they feel?
I let the imaginary tears fall from my eyes. Anything subsistent would be a betrayal to me and to him. Breathing in slowly I collected myself, taking in the calm that surrounded me. Letting go of the haunting but fading memories of him, if only for a few minutes.
"Where's Jamie?" I asked Dad as I sat next to him on the couch. I think it was more of a plop, something I haven't done in awhile. That was a nice change from my usual self.
"He got a call. Said it was important." Right, something more important than me. "He told me to tell you he'd call you tomorrow." I nodded along as he dragged on. I wasn't really interested in what Jamie was doing, I was just keeping face.
"Alright," I shrugged indifferently. I rested my head on his shoulder as I focused on keeping my mind blank. He softly touched my knee to get my attention. The blank focusing was working. I blinked a few times to give myself time to get into the right state of mind.
"I just remembered. There's something here for you," he dashed out of the room. Returning minutes later he handed me a black squarish box. The kind necklaces come in. "This was delivered a few months ago, but I wasn't supposed to give it to you until now."
I examined the box briefly before I discarded it on the cushion next to me. "Aren't you going to open it, Honey?"
"No," it's not important. I stared down at my hands, looking at the ring I always wore. It's been through so much with me, seen all the highs and devastating lows. All the moments I shared with... Tommy. I finally said it, finally thought his name. I, at least, feel like I'm not going to shatter.
"I'm going to go out for a little bit. Be back soon," I kissed his cheek and lifted myself up. My eyes darted around at all the faces, they were all focused on Kwest and his bride to be. I slipped into my coat, pulling on the puffy warmth. I wasn't in the mood to look for my gloves so I left without them. My multi-colored scarf barely hanging on around my neck
I closed the door quietly behind me, looking back once to see if I was noticed. I took in all the houses, how they had lights covering every inch of their roofs. Plastic snowmen seemed to be mocking me with their happiness. I tossed a look to my neighbor's, the lights were off and his car wasn't in the drive. I'm not sure if that means anything to me or not.
I walked in the frigid weather. My lungs burning from the cold. I stuffed my hand in my pockets as I went further and further from my home. Carolers were singing their tunes to welcoming families, I smiled slightly at the thought of music and felicitousness. I want it to do that to me again.
I was looking at the pavement beneath my feet, not paying attention to anything but the sound of my shallow breathing, the sound of my heels against the concrete. I wasn't exactly sure where I was, but I really didn't care.
Far off I heard chains squeaking and rattling in the wind. I walked over to the swing closest to me and sat on the arctic surface. As cold as I knew it was I didn't feel it seep into my skin. I swung lightly, Tommy's comforting scent swirling around me. Maybe I'm not forgetting him as much as I thought.
I sighed once more, my breath visible in front of me, and dragged my tired body away from the playground. I turned my head slightly when I heard the sound of grass crunching. I saw a shadow from the corner of my eye. When I was about to turn around fully I was crushed into a iron grip. I relished in the new found warmth but froze as a calloused hand touched my cheek. It was such an intimate touch, a familiar touch.
I tentatively lifted my gaze to the person holding me. The worn leather jacket was tepid against my fingers. I closed my eyes and lifted my head the rest of the way. With a calming breath I opened my eyes to see what I've been longing for, for what felt like an eternity.
His startling blue eyes were locked on mine. One side of his mouth was lifted as his hand slid down my neck. Pleasant bumps broke out over my skin. I was so flabbergasted by his appearance I didn't notice him leaning into me.
"What are you doing here?" I was out of breath after that... kiss isn't enough to describe. There aren't words that would cover what that was too me. It almost felt like I was getting life breathed into me.
"I thought you knew I'd be here. I thought that's why you came." The tip of his finger ran the length on my bottom lip. He sounded despondent for me to be there for him. His hope was pure as I gazed at him, taking in the features I was so desperate to erase. But too afraid to let go of my only link to happiness.
"How was I supposed to know?" I know we had this odd connection but we didn't have telepathy. Though sometimes I wouldn't be surprised if we were communicating without unneeded words.
"I sent you a note in the gift." His voice remained tender. His hand pushed a lock of my hair away in a loving gesture.
"Gift? What gift?" My voice wasn't as monotone as it always seemed to be. I felt my heart starting to race again. It hasn't done that in forever. All this from a small motion.
"I sent it to you before I left, it was a necklace," Realization dawned on me. The box I threw on the couch, I was so close to something that came from Tommy. But I'm much happier with what I found a few minutes ago.
"I didn't open it." I looked away from his gaze and into the darkness. Resting my head lightly against his chest for a moment, soaking in the bliss that came with it.
"You didn't know?" I shook my head slowly, still looking away from him. "Then why did you some here?"
"Being with so many happy people was too much for me. I didn't want to ruin their holiday so I went for a walk." The leather was soft on my face as I tilted up to look at his mesmerizing face. "By the way Kwest and Sadie are engaged." I tightened my arms around his waist, snuggling into him more.
"When did that happen?" He asked as his fingers caressed my hair. I didn't speak for a minute, getting lost in the hypnotic touch.
"About a half hour ago," my eyes were closed, my voice almost dreamy. It was silent for awhile, he just held me, his cheek resting on top of my head.
"Why didn't you come?" He broke the wondrous silence. His voice was soft and vulnerable.
"I tried!" I pleaded for him to understand. "I was held up... for only a few minutes... by Jamie." I said thoughtfully, thinking about that day. "I did my best to get to your place but when I did," I turned away from him, my arms loosening from around his middle. "You were gone," my voice was breaking with the last words.
"Don't cry, Jude. Please," he kissed my forehead, pulling me back into his embrace. I tried harder to put space between us, the horrid memories were flooding me. Threatening to drown me.
"Why couldn't you have waited just a little longer?" I asked absently, wanting to think that there was more than one chance.
"I did." I met his eyes seeing he was telling me the truth. "I called you from the airport, but you didn't answer." So we both tried until the end. Star-crossed would be putting it lightly.
"My phone was with... Jamie." Why does he keep coming up? So my deep-seated resentment towards him was well founded. Even his geek speak rubbed off.
"He seems to be a problem," the problem you mean. He hesitated before he spoke again. "Are you... together?" I felt his pain more than saw it. I nodded solemnly not able to meet his gaze. His heat was leaving as he pulled back. Was he really going to give up on what we could have?
"What are you doing?" I asked, desperation taking over, as he disengaged himself from me completely.
"I should know better. You're not mine to touch," he couldn't resist dragging his fingertips along my cheekbone once more. He emphasized the word mine slightly, enough for me to notice though.
"Don't do this Tommy!" I shouted at his retreating figure. "I won't go on without you." I spoke blatantly, absolute conviction was my tone.
"I know you're not happy now. You just needed closure. Jamie won't let anything happen to you." He was pained as the words left him. He thought it was true but he didn't want it to be.
"Where are you going to go?" Staring at the frozen blades of grass, I crossed my arms around myself for warmth.
"Probably home," he was about to try to leave again. Leave me again.
"Montreal?" He shrugged, not wanting to tell me. "I'll go with you." I stepped closer to him. He turned and gaped at me.
"What?" His eyes lit with doubt and excitement. "But your family."
"Aren't as important as you." I felt like I was being pulled to him. That magnetic force that seemed to be between us.
"Your career?" Why is he reasoning with me? I want him to make all the remaining pain go away. The only sure way to make it stop is his mouth... on mine.
"Is nothing without my co-writer and producer." I need him to take me up on this. I'm not going back to my monotonous life I was... I wasn't living. I was hardly existing.
"Jamie?" He flinched when he said his name.
"Tommy, I love you. Always you, no matter how much I wanted to stop thinking of you, I couldn't." I continued my advance.
"You tried to stop thinking about me?" He smirked as he took a step near me.
"It hurt too much," an actual smile crept its way to my lips.
"I didn't want to stop thinking of you." He declared quietly closing the space between us a little more. "I liked the memories of you. Having to drag you out of bed, the hissy fits you threw." I'd glare at him if he wasn't so cute. "The way you felt pressed against me when I kissed you," he whispered. His breath against my skin caused me to shiver.
"Are you done with your little speech?" I cut him off as I saw him getting ready to speak again. "You really talk too much," I told him while I wrapped my arms around his neck. "And there are so many better uses for your lips." I murmured to him before I brushed my lips softly to his.
"I love you," was the last thing he said before he pulled me flush against him and gave me the life I was lacking for so long.
Review please!
So this is it, you already knew it would be a Jommy. If you haven't figured it out yet, I only write Jommys. Merry X-Moose!
Thanks, Eternita14.