My world is spinning apart and none of them can tell. To my left, Mercedes and Tina are laughing about something. Artie is smiling a little bit, but you can tell he doesn't really get whatever they're laughing about. Must be a girl thing. Would I understand it if I were paying more attention to what they're saying? Would they look at me strangely if I joined in their laughter?
I feel a little bit shattered on the inside. Not entirely broken, no, not yet, but definitely on my way toward full decimation. It's starting to hurt when I inhale. Is that a side effect, or a cause of my pain? I think that I've been hurting so much that I can't quite tell anymore.
I got a call today. They're ordering more tests for my dad. That's all they'll tell me without another parent present. I wonder if they've bothered to check on my dad's marital status, or if their ignorance is simply that cruel. It hurts a little more every time they call and ask for "Mrs. Hummel". I'm thinking of pretending to be her, just so they'll tell me if he's dying or not.
None of them have noticed. I've worn the same outfit twice this week, and Mercedes complimented me both times. She said, "Wow, Kurt. Lovin' that jacket. It really brings out your eyes." I wonder if she even knows what color my eyes are. Maybe I should get colored contacts and see if she notices.
I went into the hospital again today. All of the wires leading in and out of him seem to accomplish nothing. He still hasn't woken up, so I'm guessing whatever they're pumping into him isn't helping. I saw a doctor looking at me strangely today. He was either pondering my fashion sense, or trying to find the most tactful way to ask me about organ donation.
It's been two weeks.
I wore one of his shirts to school today. It was a big, plaid flannel monstrosity. It's bright red and humongous on me. Mercedes told me she liked my belt.
Mr. Schue announced a new solo opportunity today. Defying Gravity. Somehow, my insides have never felt heavier. I feel like I'm slowly turning into iron on the inside. Karofsky pushed me into a wall of lockers today. I went to classes, ate lunch, and finished out my day with Spanish. When I got home, I noticed there was a long trail of blood down my face from being thrown into the lockers. A thin, scarlet line from my nose, splitting my lips and tracing down my chin. I went to 3 classes, ate lunch with my friends, and had class with Mr. Schue. No one even mentioned it. Come to think of it, I can't even remember if any of them said anything to me the entire day.
I'm pretty sure that I'm vanishing. I must be slowly becoming transparent. Karofsky walked right by me, and threw a slushy in Rachel's face instead of mine. It was cherry, and I'm wearing white.
Another week has gone by. They asked me about his organs today and I couldn't even say anything. So I went to school instead. I had to sit in my car for a while, because the school doesn't open up for another 2 hours.
I've been living alone for 3 weeks. Cut off from the rest of the world in my basement bedroom, painted with gray walls and broken up with coldly modern furniture. I don't think anyone cares anymore what happens to me.
I don't think I care anymore either.
Mr. Schue was talking about the Defying Gravity solo again in glee today. For some reason, my mouth opened up, and I challenged Rachel for it before I could even think about what I was doing. Mr. Schue looked at me like a confused puppy I had just swatted on the nose with a newspaper, while Rachel glared at me. He didn't want to let me try out for the solo at first, but Britney convinced him. "He sounds like a girl… If he sang that at the Secretary, I'm pretty sure the judges wouldn't even know the difference." I was so surprised that Mr. Schue agreed to let me sing, I didn't even have the heart to correct her on the name of our competition.
A few days have gone by. I'm not entirely sure how many. It's like I'm on autopilot. Today is the day of the 'diva-off' as dubbed by Mr. Schue. I wonder if he agrees with Britney about me seeming female. Maybe he just doesn't realize how insulting I would have found that if I actually cared.
None of them took me seriously until I opened my mouth. I let Rachel go first, just so I could see the look on her face once I started singing. Notes came pouring out of me. Words seem to soar above my head as the song filled me, and bubbled out of me in a crystal clear sound. Rachel's face went from surprised to seething in under 2 verses. By the time I sang the chorus again, Mr. Schue was looking at me like I was some new shiny toy he had just been handed. I bet he regretted keeping me swaying in the back now that he heard what exactly I could sound like. Mr. Cellophane had been a challenge, but this seemed effortless. I hit the high F easily. Rachel looked devastated and then I knew. Right then in the choir room, it hit me. This was the first time I had been seen in nearly a month.
And just like that, I completely shattered on the inside.
Mr. Schue's mouth was hanging open and he was practically salivating.
"Kurt, if I knew you could sing like that-"
"What, Mr. Schue, you would have listened to me? Please. We both know that's a lie."
"Kurt," Rachel interrupted, "Mr. Schue would have listened if you had wanted to audition for a solo before. Admittedly, my stunning range and stage presence is sometimes overwhelming, but we all know that Mr. Schue was just looking out for the club by making sure the solos were awarded to those of us who would perform them the best." I'm pretty sure that those shattered pieces inside me just crumbled a little more.
"Kurt," Mr. Schue said, looking back and forth between the two of us, "I think that you and Rachel both did a fantastic job singing the solo, but I'd like you to be the one to sing it at Sectionals." I smiled at him fakely. I wonder if I'll always associate smiling with lying. They seem to be rather close friends.
I went to the hospital. My dad was sitting up in bed, weakly reclined against the pillows. But his eyes were open. He looked at me in confusion. "Kurt, what's going on? What happened?"
Just like that, someone finally saw me again.
It was the next day in glee club and Rachel was blathering on about something at the front of the classroom. Mr. Schue was looking on in bemusement as she rattled off ideas about how to raise money for Sectionals. I raised my hand slowly and her eyes finally settled on me about 30 seconds later.
"Yes, Kurt? Do you have an idea?" she asked me. One of my eyebrows twitched minutely. Rachel, asking for someone else's input? Wow. The apocalypse must be coming.
"No, I don't have an idea for a fundraiser, Rachel." I said quietly. She looked mildly peeved.
"Then why are you wasting time and distracting us from brainstorming?" she asked, gesturing with one of her hands to encompass the rest of the club, as if they were actively participating, and not on the cell phones. I smiled at her.
"I've made up my mind. You can have the Defying Gravity solo." She gaped at me. I'm pretty sure that Tina dropped her phone. The rest of the club turned around a stared at me.
"Kurt, what are you talking about? Although it pains me to admit it, I can recognize talent when I see it." Rachel said conceitedly. My smile shrank a little when she said that. I stood up, and made my way down the stairs. Swinging my bag over my shoulder, I turned to look at the club.
"You can take the solo because I'm quitting glee club." I said evenly. Then, I turned and walked out the door.
TBC?
I've returned! Sorry about the extremely long absence, but my health is questionable right now at the very best. More of my stories will be updated soon, but this little mini-fic started buzzing around my head. I sat down and came up with it as I typed, and finished it in one sitting. That could be why it's in this format. Part of it is due to how I believe Kurt's thought process would be, and part of it is due to the fact that this is a very bare bones piece. Not a lot of time went into details or unneeded fillers. Let me know if you would be interested in seeing more about this piece.
Just to clear up details:
1-Burt had his heart attack in season one, not two.
2- His heart attack and the solo are close together in my timeline.
3- Burt and Carole are not dating. Not sure if that will happen if I keep writing. Dunno yet.
4- Kurt visited the hospital before going to school because in my lovely little fictional world, things like hospital visiting hours are of no concern.
5- Kurt did not throw the note because his father was already in the hospital, and therefor not at the garage to receive the phone call.