Fucked In FriendLand
Dedicated to all you crazies I call my friends
It was just another, oh so boring, lunch break on a Tuesday. As usual, I had been too lazy to pack lunch and I didn't have any money. Which in all honesty was probably a good thing, since the less than sublime food at school always had one guarantee. Weight gain. On top of my rumbling stomach, the air around me and friends was humid, which immensely irritated me. Around me, everyone continued to talk as I laid sprawled across the stone bench. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Aaron clad in a Santa hat with rabbit ears, about to turn around the wall. More importantly, I saw a bag of particularly scrumptious looking cookies. Yum.
"Aaron! Wait" I yelled as I raced to him. Just as I passed the wall, I suddenly felt myself falling forward.
Instinctively shutting my eyes and throwing my arms out to brace my fall, my instead, did a front flip. Eyes snapping open, I realized why I wasn't currently face planting into concrete. I was falling through f***** air! And everything was blue! "I'm gonna throw uppppppppp!"
Before I hurled, I fell onto some kind of bouncy purple material. As soon as I tried to raise myself up to survey my surroundings, my body rolled off the bounce pad/ whatever the *** this thing was and onto a grassy floor. "Yuck." I grimaced, standing up quickly. Wait, what the ****. Instead of my school clothes, I was wearing a blue Alice in Wonderland type dress, complete with striped stockings and a black headband. I didn't mind too much though. Except the puffy sleeves weren't really doing it for me.
I looked around again. All I could see was a strange meadow kind of land, with weird plants and a sky colored a odd gray blue. "Okay… Well obviously, I need to get the **** out of here. Sooo I should probably follow this path thingy right? Yeah, that sounds good. And also, I should stop talking to myself...Like now." After doing a mini evalution of my mental state, I began down the path.
It wasn't long before I reached a cloudy lake with a table right at its edge. On top of the table there was a few pink frosted cupcakes. Coming closer for a better look, I admired the cupcakes. Right before I was going to take a bite, a hand slapped the cupcake out of my hand. "Hey! The **** you be doing?!" I was pissed! I love frosting. Standing before me, not looking even a little guilty that he was a cupcake murder, was Jacob. "Jacob? What did you that for?! Wait why are you here?" Jacob didn't answer any of my questions.
"Don't eat the food. Those two are always up to something." He wasn't really helping.
"Who are those two?!" Instead of answering, he jumped straight into the dirt. Yes. You heard me. He jumped straight through the ***** dirt! "Umm, Jacob?" Behind me I heard rustling. I quickly turned around to see Amir and Cynthia twining in red overalls and striped hats. Opening my mouth to ask why in the name of Christ they were wearing that, Cynthia walked up close to me. Like really close. I mean, invading my personal space.
"Be honest, do you feel funny?" She asked me.
"Um, no?" She cursed loudly and ran back to Amir, sidekicking him Blue Exorcist Rin style. "OH SHIT!" I yelled as he went flying. Before I could react, Amir sprang up and in a nanosecond they were in a fisfight. With the cloud of dust and everything. How the **** does that work. Okay…. Talking to myself again. The two managed to move their battle right at the edge of the lake. As I ran toward them to intervene, Cynthia shoved Amir backward onto the lake. But at the last second, he grabbed Cynthia's shirt, taking her down into the water with him. One big splash and they were gone. Seriously, there's no air bubbles. Kneeling next to the water, I leaned forward. "Guys…. Are you okay? Um, I kinda needed your help….. I don't know CPR. Just putting out there."
And because life enjoys ***** me over, my body lurched forward, and I fell into the water.
I moved my limbs desperately, fear shooting through my veins. And then I realized I was just flailing in shallow water. Standing up, I realised I wasn't in the same place. There was a green fog in the air and the lake was only tiny pond now. I walked forward, just to face plant into a giant mother***** mushroom. Holding my nose, I looked up to see Miguel wearing black shaman clothing and smoking a hookah. I blinked a few times.
"Hello chica." He cooed, taking another drawl and blowing out a stream of green smoke into the air. I pinched myself.
"Just tell me how to get ***** out of here." I'm not fighting this. I'm just out. Miguel lokked at my attire in disapproval, and blew smoke directly at my face. I gagged loudly. "HEY! DID I TELL YOU COULD TRY TO ******** KILL ME WITH SECONDHAND SMOKING?! I DID NOT! Ignoring my perfectly justified rant, Miguel snootily responded.
"Do you know what day it is?"
"I DON'T GIVE A *******!"
"It's Wednesday." He snapped his fingers. "We wear black on Wednesday." I pointed at my stocking covered legs.
"They're half black." He pondered it for a second.
"I'll allow it."
"**** you." He pointed behind him.
"Go that way." Without saying a word, I started to jog in that direction. Before I was out of earshot, I heard him yell something about Beth dying.
After walking a while, I came across a beautiful garden. I stopped and inhaled the aroma of some yellow roses. I heard a moan behind. I whipped around to see a sunflower who looked like Sam. Okay… What the *****.
"Sammy?" I said in horror. She turned her plant body at me, before turning her attention back to the millions of bees around.
"I'm busy right now, little girl." The ***** you call me!? I wanted to yell at her, but quickly the bees began pollinating with her. Except it looked…...and sounded like….um…. Let's just say I left pretty quickly after, and I'm scarred for life.
Soon the garden led to a shady forest. And I'm not gonna lie. I thought it was gonna get all Five Nights at Freddy's. But it was even worse. Okay, not actually worse. But it was bad. Really bad. "Allison?!" I said in disbelief, as I looked up at her from the ground. She was laid across a high branch, decked out in a purple and pink cat suit. My poor eyes…
"What's a Allison?" She asked, completely confused.
'You mean an Allison. With 'an', not 'a'." She stared at me for a while, and it was getting really awkward so I changed the subject.
"So how do I get out of ****ville?" I asked.
"You mean Friendland?"
"...Sure. Okay." She pointed the way I had just came.
"It's not that way, that's how I got here." She shrugged.
"I don't know, don't ask me."xd
"Then why the ***** did you answer?!" She stared at me some more, and just poofed away. I'm serious. There was a giant cloud of pink and then she was gone. I sighed and continued walking.
Some about of time later, I don't know because the sun just kinda stays in the same place. Forever. Whatever.
Anyways, I found myself at a long ass dining table. In the middle of a meadow. For ****** sake. And of course, seated at the table, was Anakia wearing the weirdest hat imaginable and Katerina in her hamster form. Katerina barked orders to her hamster subjects, as they, um I don't know, did stuff. Use your imagination. I hope you're creative. Anakia stopped pouring random substances into a ceramic teapot and looked up at me. She grinned. Like a scary ass grin. Shit. She opened her arms to welcome.
"Come Curly Haired Girl, share a drink with us."
"Kay." I stepped closer. "What are you putting in that teapot by the way."
She winked. "It's a secret." She then proceeded to laugh like an axe murdering maniac.
"...You're weird." She lifted her chin, and Katerina/ Lord Hamster shook her furry head at me.
"Weirdness is originality." She answered, smiling again and Katerina nodded.
"Or you know, weirdness." The two gasped in shocked. Suddenly there was an electric blue light and I was in a hedge garden, surrounded by anime boys. Yeah, I don't know how it works either buddy. Sitting on a throne, was the one and only Gabe, fully decked out as a queen. Jesus ****** Christ. Admittedly, the dress looked pretty nice.
"Capture her!" Gabe yelled out, after eating a scoop of ice cream. Instantly, the anime boys attacked me. As they tried to secure my limbs, some hand accidentally grabbed places no hand should grab. Accidental or otherwise.
"Hey! HEY! BACK THE ****** UP!" Immediately, the anime boys jumped ten feet away from me.
"Uh oh." Gabe said.
"What?!" This was getting exhausting. It passed the point of annoying a long time ago. I turned around. And then I turn back. Never turn around. Ever. "You've got an army! Kill it!" I yelled at Gabe desperately.
"I'm a pacifist."
"****** YOU!" I felt something shove me backward, and I went down, down, down.
Ouch.
Blinking, I pick my aching body of the floor. In my sleep, I managed to roll off the bench. Everyone's talking, just like before. Shaking my head, I start walking away.
"I'm going to the bathroom." I call out. And then I went to the library.
Honesty is overrated.