Heartbeat.
You sit at the desk in your respitblock, staring at the computer screen. Your thoughts were piled up, waiting to explode. You can't tell Karkat because he'll end up laughing in your face. What do you do?
You open up a word document a start typing.
"Feferii, II wanted you two know, that II am ready two go. II wanted you two know whenever you are around, II can't 2peak."
Okay, the sappy part is down. Well, you guess it's sappy. You were never good at heartfelt things. This isn't supposed to be heartfelt.
"II know how iit goe2. II know what Eriidan liike2. Piin2triiped jean2 and a dark cape. He'll go and feed your lu2e2, and you check trolliian. II 2end you a me22age, and you clo2e the chat. II vii2iit when you lea2t expect it. II 2it alone at the core and you ju2t ignore me. II gue22 I can't get over the way you left me. He hurt2 you, you 2tart cryiing. II come over, thiing2 turn over. We get iintimate, but II can't fiind you. The giirl II u2ed to have before you ended it. The 2ex ii2n't half bad, anyway. When you call and 2ay that iit'2 not faiir, that mean2 Eriidan ii2n't there. II fliirt wiith AA, and iif iit doe2n't work out, II'll call had 2ex untiil we came two conclu2iion2. II'm a gho2t and you know that. That'2 why you ended iit."
Rage started to build up. You could tell that this was going to end on a bad note. Maybe when this venting thing is all over, you'll feel better about it. Karkat always said that venting would work, does venting to yourself count? It should. If this doesn't work, you have no idea what to do except for drown yourself in mind honey.
"IIt'2 late niight thur2day, and II feel alone. II know you don't feel that way, and you probably don't care. II was wiith AA earliier, and II gue22 we're a thiing. Well, no, we're not. 2he can come whenever 2he want2 but, yeah. We're not a real thiing. II'm 2o 2tupiid. Everythiing ii2 makiing me 2o fucking paranoiid and II can't take iit. II 2ay the wrong thiing2 and the wrong thiing2 happen. II know 2he want2 2omethiing from me. Karkat II2 freakiing out becau2e he heard that you, AA, and ED had 2omethiing goiing on. 2omethiing about ED u2iing a new way for fiilliing wa2 on tiime for a meetup but they got 2omewhere late. II don't fuckiing know want2 two help me program but 2he'2 nothiing like you. II mii22 the tiime2 when we would go at iit and never 2top. II wa2 wrong about you, you were crazy. But II gue22 we can never be the 2ame again"
Your fingers are beginning to numb. This typing wasn't helping at all. Venting is fucking shit. Why would you even try this? Your heartbeat began to increase, making your rage fufill your whole existance. You try to convince yourself to stop typing, but you can't. There's still more to it. More that you need to talk to, well, yourself, about. All of this drama and angst should have been over with sweeps ago. Why the hell is it coming back now? You're an adult troll, one capable of himself. You can handle this.
No, you can't. You start to type again, and this may not end well for your mind, let alone your well being.
"2o we're done. II2 thii2 for real? We u2ed to hold hand2 in the horn pile. II'm a jerk, but ED ii2 a real diick. Yeah, he thiink2 he's cool, but he's a guy who talk2 wiith a 2tupiid fuckiing word triip. II read hi2 po2t on the memo2 and iit make2 me 2ick. You couldn't wait to go two him. Liike II wa2n't hurt and you had no feeliing2. I don't giive a fuck iif your the fuckiing heiire22. You're not queen but you 2ure do act liike it. II'm way better than ED. II don't need you or anyone el2e. There'2 no thii2. Are we mate2priit2? Are we fuckiing? Are we be2t friiend2? Are we 2omethiing iin between that? II wii2h we never fucked and II mean that."
You hit save and you grit your teeth together. You're close to ripping your hair out and your hands have already been in the mind honey. The keyboard is sticky, your face feels gross, and this makes you even more enraged. Mind honey drips down your lips, and you wipe it off, remembering what happened the last time you consumed the substance. You had a drink on the desk and you took a bittersweet taste makes you think of Feferi. Everything was gone. Nobody would see what you wrote.
Suddenly you feel light headed. You still have one thing to type.
"But not really. You 2ay the na2tiie2t thiing2 iin bed and iit'2 fuckiing awe2ome"
You minimize the box after saving it and lay back in your chair. Your eyes are half lidded and you pass out. Your heartbeat slows down and your out cold.
You just wanted her to know that you were ready to go. Whenever she was around, you couldn't speak.
You were done. Nobody knew what happened after that.
You were found out cold in the middle of your hive, half dead. The way you were 3 sweeps ago when Eridan almost killed you.
But this time, it was the love of your life.
Did you forget that Gamzee sent that drink to you?
It was sopor slime.
Eridan spiked it.
Next time, you'll make sure to read before you drink.
If there even is a next time.