My life with you
I am sitting on this bench, and I wonder, "how did it come to this?" I guess I always yearned for something exceptional in my life and I decided it was you. I remember the first time I declared my love for you at the playground, the naïve crush I had for that boy with the intense black eyes and slick black hair. Things were simpler then, but even then, I knew nothing of the abyss that was to engulf my very being.
When we became comrades, the envy and venom of all the girls imbued my conviction to make you mine. I thought our moment at this exact bench was the most auspicious opportunity to cement our love. It was not until your savage torn down of my affection that I saw the human underneath hard façade. Although your disgust to my adoration humbled me, my holistic adoration was secured. It was blinded me to the pain and suffering you were going through. You were so close to me in those days and yet, unreachable. I could not console you nor make things better, I just couldn't reach your world. All I ever could do was cry and implore you to stay with me. My tears and anguish did not change your mind. Your hunger for power had oppressed all your feeling and cemented your decision long before my existence registered into your head. I often wonder if I had seen this sooner and stopped you, would you have stayed with me?
I guess these are things one ponders as they contemplate how someone can be so utterly deluged by the potential of requited love? When was such possibility ever hinted in the slightest? But there I was yearning for your return. I searched desperately for my love countless times; I even burden my troubles onto other people in the hopes of getting your attention. The mere minutes of our reunion ended with your hands on my throat. I knew you were lost to me, yet I still fought a losing battle for your salvation. The absent of your presence all those years only helped to enriched the hallucination that my love, our love could and would conquer all. Even the dream of my death by your hands could not break my resolve. The moment I woke up from the darkness and all I could utter was your name. Despite all my senses and judgment told me to hate, rebuffed and renounce you, the single "I'm sorry" sound that came from your brushed, bloodied lips, swept me off my feet and into your shrine once more.
My heart moaned vibrant sounds of ecstasy when you retuned home, the reformed embarrassed man you'd become. Everyone repudiated you; I embraced you, you were finally mine. But of course, you had other plans, plans which did not include me in the slightest. Your dark eyes this time were filled with joy, they rekindled the nebulous cloud that your first departure cast. The mere minutes your seldom retuned visits to me were enough to balloon my unbroken devotion. How could they not? For they were enough to elope and conceived a child, the physical embodiment of our love. Despite, the years without feeling, smelling or touching, you were the demiurge figure that eclipsed and dictated my world without ever uttering the words "love." Those allusions of supposed love our union cast blinded me to the pain your long absent caused our daughter, never having glimpsed at your silhouette or even heard your voice once. Truth be told I had also forgotten your face, your voice, and body, only the allusion, the yearning remained.
To be honest, your unforthcoming nature never bothered me; I conformed to our unspoken arrangement. The consolatory price was the family we formed, the fact that you were my husband and me, your wife, souls and bodies entwine into eternity. I do not mean I believed I owned you. My God! I do not think there is a soul or force in the universe who has that power. I fancy that I was the one to make things better, after such turmoil and suffering in your life, but that honor was not bestowed on me either.
I now wonder if you ever utter those words, "I love you" to her. The woman whom you sired the son and daughter you never knew…well is not like the daughter you did know fare any better. Did you utter those words as you turned your back to me and the world you knew? Was it when she and your memories of her ripped from your hands and headed that fateful day? Or when she returned to you again, memories and all? Or when she left you once more never to returned to this miserable life here on Earth? You refused to say, thinking you are sparing me, in reality, I just wanted you to say you did love somebody and you did want to be with somebody, because if not? What was this whole suffering for?
Now I am sitting on the same bench that should have ended it all at the very beginning, but didn't. With our youth, precious time you could have spent with our child and her long gone. Contemplating on what to do next. I am looking at you now, with all your defects and imperfections that I never saw before or just ignore. You are but human, flawed and destructive, yearning also to be love. Despite, however fleeting, you had it. My yearning, on the other hand, when the illusion left my eyes, it left nothing.