Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Degrassi. As much as I love Palex, they belong to another.

Warning: This fic contains strong language, hence the rating.

AN: My take on what may have occurred between Paige and Alex during the summer between seasons five and six. This is the beginning of a chapter fic (hopefully) and is not associated with my first story, Unsynchronized.

Please feel free to point out my mistakes, be they characterization flaws or grammar/spelling flubs. Love it, hate it? Feedback makes me a better writer.

Edit: Thoughts are now in italics thanks to a reviewer's suggestion. (See? I actually do pay attention to those reviews!)

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It's funny how things change. If someone had asked me two years ago how I would be spending graduation night, I probably would've said I'd end up drunk and stoned at some crazy party down at the ravine. Well, today I am officially a graduate of Degrassi Community School and how do I celebrate? I'm at my ex-girlfriend's parents' house, completely sober and alone.

Paige is inside, flitting around her guests ecstatically. I know she's gotta be loving this, playing hostess is definitely her kind of thing. She kept me up quite a few nights talking my ear off with plans for this night and I must admit, it turned out really nice. It was pretty cool of her parents to give up their house for the party and spend the evening in a hotel. I almost couldn't believe it when she told me they had agreed to it, but she said it was her reward for being so trustworthy and responsible all these years. I guess they conveniently forgot about her little stoner act during the college fair, or maybe they were just so relieved that she made it into Banting that they decided to let it slide.

I glance over my shoulder and spot Paige inside, she's talking to Marco with a huge grin on her face. If you didn't know better, you'd never guess that she'd been dumped just a few days ago. I pull a cigarette from the pack next to me on the wooden porch step and quickly light it, inhaling deeply as I turn back to face the darkening backyard.

It's not fair. I'm the one who broke it off, I should be the one partying happily with my friends instead of sitting out in the dark moping. Why did I let Ellie and Marco talk me into coming here? As if the past few days of watching Paige act so fucking blasé about the breakup wasn't bad enough, I have to subject myself to Super-Social Party Paige?

We agreed that we would stay friends, but I'm finding it kind of hard to be around her at the moment. Maybe it's wrong, but I think it might make it a little easier if just once she would act hurt by the whole thing. I mean, I haven't exactly made a big show of how depressed I am, but you won't catch me walking around sporting a perma-grin either. I have to remember I brought this on myself. You got what you wanted, Alex, now you gotta live with it.

I take another deep drag off my smoke, trying to prepare myself to walk into that happy gathering. I can do this, I am a master at hiding my emotions. Just go in there, get a drink, act like everything is cool... if she can do it, so can I. I throw the butt onto the ground, crushing it out under my boot and kick it over towards a bush where it lands against the five others I'd smoked. Just as I stand up and turn around, Ellie walks out to meet me with a small sympathetic smile. She hands me a cold beer, the sweat which has already accumulated on the outside of the bottle sliding over my fingers soothingly as I chug down half the contents.

"I thought maybe you could use that," Ellie says with a gentle smirk as she sits down on the porch step.

"Yeah, thanks. I was actually on my way in to get one, it's fucking hot out here," I grumble as I take a seat next to her.

"Ah, yes, the wonders of summer in Toronto. This humidity plays havoc with my hair." She points towards the soft curls framing her face as if they prove her point. " Too bad you can't smoke inside," she gives me a calculating look, "when did that start?"

I'm not surprised she noticed, it's not like I've been trying to hide my new habit or anything. I used to smoke occasionally, just bumming off people at parties or whatever. After Jay left my place the night I broke up with Paige, I snatched Chad's half empty pack off the end-table and smoked a few. Somehow it helped, just having something to do. I'd really rather not explain to Ellie that cigarettes and coffee are all I can stomach lately or that lighting up is the only way I can keep my fingers from dialing Paige's number and begging her to take me back. I don't think she'd understand how focusing on the acrid smoke entering and exiting my body has become my only defense against the tears that seem to constantly threaten the backs of my eyes.

I shrug and pull another one from my pack. "Do you really have to ask?" I mumble as I light up again.

"Guess not," she looks uncomfortable, staring down at her hands and twisting her rings one by one. "I guess neither of you is handling this very well."

"Really?" I scoff, "she looks pretty fucking happy to me." I take another long drink of my beer, the cold liquid sloshing around uncomfortably in my empty stomach reminds me that I should eat something if I plan to drink anymore tonight.

Ellie shakes her head and looks up towards the sky. "I think that's just how she deals, you know? Paige acts like everything is perfect, so no one can see how messed up she really is, it's just a coping mechanism." She turns those big grey eyes on me and again I can see the sympathy in them. I think I hate her a little in that moment, just for knowing how utterly broken I am inside. "It doesn't mean that she's hurting any less than you though, Alex. We all know how much she really cares about you."

I almost wish that I could talk to Ellie, break down in her arms and accept her comfort. I can't do that though, I could never allow myself to be that weak. I squint my eyes and take a last drag off my cigarette before finishing off my beer. "Right," I say coldly as I flick my cigarette out into the dark. I stand up, signaling the end of our little heart to heart. "I need another drink. Coming?" Ellie nods and follows me inside.

I think I must've been outside a bit longer than I realized. More people have shown up, the volume in the house has definitely increased and quite a few people are wearing a slightly too bright grin that says they're on their way to serious intoxication. Oh, perfect timing. They've pulled out the karaoke machine. Everyone's gathered around in the living room, watching Craig and Ashley sing along to some idiotic pop song. Well, at least that means they won't be paying any attention to me.

Ellie squeezes my hand and goes over to sit next to Marco on the couch. They all look so fucking happy. Marco is practically sitting in Dylan's lap and they're both grinning from ear to ear. I can't help but smile as I watch Marco laugh at something that Dylan said, it's hard not to feel happy for him even though I am kind of jealous at the moment. My eyes wander across the room and I see Spinner sitting on the floor next to Jimmy. Guess they finally made up, how lovely for them.

Continuing my survey of the room, my gaze unfortunately lands on Paige. She's curled up in the recliner with her good buddy Hazel. They're watching Craig and Ashley intently and giggling loudly between shared whispers. I can almost hear their snarky comments in my mind, so predictable. She looks good, though. Paige always looks good when she smiles. She's wearing a loose knit, short sleeved top with a wide neck that slips off one shoulder to expose the strap of her camisole. Both pink, of course. Pink is Paige's "happy" color. I scowl a bit as I notice her jeans. They're the same ones that she wore to the Kevin Smith movie premiere. I haven't seen them in a while and I can't help but wonder if she thought of that night when she put together her outfit.

Apparently, I've been staring at Paige a little too hard. Hazel catches my eye and gives me a surprisingly sympathetic look. Fuck her. I frown at her in response and hurry into the kitchen for my drink. I round the corner to find Emma and Peter making out against the marble top island. What the hell? Was every single person from Degrassi invited to this thing? Next thing you know, I'll find Heather Sinclair mixing drinks.

"Jesus, get a fucking room," I growl at Barbie and Ken as I push past them to grab a beer from the fridge.

Emma gives me that hurt/shocked look that I'm convinced makes up half of her facial repertoire and Peter just smirks like he's more than happy to flaunt his bimbette.

"Ignore her," Manny says derisively as she enters the room, wobbling slightly on her heels. Ah, Manny, that's why the Stepford Children are here. I almost forgot Craig was dating this plastic slut again. She gives me an evil little smirk, "She's just cranky 'cause Paige finally came to her senses and dumped her ass."

I just chuckle and roll my eyes at her as I take a swig from my fresh beer. I'm not about to argue over the details of my personal life with this bitch.

The golden duo scamper off somewhere, probably to find a more secluded make out spot, and leave the bitch behind. She searches clumsily through the assorted bottles on the counter, peering closely at the label of each one. I try to ignore her presence and start putting together a small plate of appetizers to snack on. While I don't really feel like eating, I figure it might be a good distraction for a few minutes.

When Paige first started planning this party, the food was the part I looked forward to the most. I really do love her cooking and I made sure that she included some of my favorites on tonight's menu. I'm happy to see that my suggestions survived, even though I know they won't taste quite the same now.

Manny is making a truly wonderful mess as she tries to mix herself a drink, I think only half of it actually made it to the cup. She looks up and catches me watching her, she sneers at my amused expression. "So, Alex. Ever given any thought to becoming a nun?"

A confused look passes over my face. Was that supposed to be an insult? She must be more drunk than I thought, cause that was just lame.

"I mean, obviously sex just isn't your thing. You couldn't keep Jay happy last year, and now Paige," she gives me a taunting grin, "she must've been crazy with frustration to jump into bed with Darcy's castoff."

My jaw clenches so hard I think my teeth might break. She's lying. The bitch is lying to you, Alex. Paige would never do something like that, she loves you.

"Shut up, Manny," I hiss through gritted teeth.

She gives me a look of mock sympathy, "That was a pretty cold move, even for Paige. You've got a lot of guts coming here though, I don't think I could stand being in the same room with my ex and their new fuck-buddy."

I know that she's not lying. I don't know how, but I can feel the horrible truth in her words. I can picture them kissing. His hands large and clumsy, groping her beautiful body. I can almost hear her whispering his name, gasping in pleasure against his lips. Oh, god. I think I might be sick. My fists clench at my sides, fingernails digging into my palms. I squint my eyes and purse my lips, trying to hold back tears I can feel threatening.

When she sees the effect her words have on me, she lets out a little gasp. "Oh god, you didn't know?" She chuckles uncomfortably, "I thought everyone knew. I thought Marco..."

I don't know what she's saying now. I can't hear anything beyond my pounding heart. I feel like there's no room in my chest for my lungs, I can't breathe. My vision tunnels until all I can see are Manny's lips moving. Mocking me with her lies. I just want to shut her up, then maybe I could breathe again. Before I realize it I'm up in her face, one hand gripped tightly around her throat as the other pulls back in a fist to smash that lying mouth.

"Oh my god!"

"Alex, stop!"

I vaguely hear two voices yelling at me as I try to shake off the restraining hand on my elbow. My hand remains clamped around Manny's neck as I turn to face the interruption.

Dylan pulls hard on my elbow, forcing me to release my hold. He looks seriously pissed. "What the hell are you doing?" he demands.

"Don't touch me," I growl, flinging his hand away from me.

"Crazy bitch!" Manny spits at me as she tries to regain her breath.

Marco slowly approaches me from behind Dylan, watching me carefully like a wild animal. "Alex, what happened," he asks soothingly, "What's wrong?" He places a gentle hand on my arm and I instantly recoil from his touch.

"You," I snarl as I take a step towards him.

Dylan quickly steps in front of me, but Marco holds him aside as he stares into my eyes. "It's okay, Dyl," he says reassuringly. "I think Alex just needs some air." He holds out his hand for me, his eyes pleading with me to take it.

My adrenaline slows a bit and I blink quickly, taking in the scene around me. Manny is still up against the refrigerator, rubbing her throat and watching me nervously. Dylan is all puffed up, looking like he's ready to jump on me at a moment's notice. But Marco, he just looks worried. His dark eyebrows are scrunched up and his eyes bore straight into me like they're trying to read my pain. Oh god, what am I doing? I don't want to hurt anyone, I thought I was done with that. He's right, I just need to get out of here.

I roughly brush past the pair of boys as I stride briskly to the back door. I try to ignore the happy party atmosphere that continues on obliviously in the living room. Assholes, every one of them. I feel like I've been duped, like the past year has just been an elaborate trick to make me think that I was one of them. They made me feel like I was part of their little clique and then they ripped me to shreds, exposing me for the loser I've always been.

They're all probably having a good laugh about it now. Wasn't it pathetic when Alex thought you loved her? She actually thought we were her friends, what a moron. As if I would actually want a loser like her! As if she could get a girl as perfect as you. I can hear them all so clearly in my mind, and I know that I deserve their scorn. I was an idiot to think that things could change, that I could change and be good enough for someone like her.

I pause once I reach the porch and pull out my almost empty pack of cigarettes. My shaking fingers fumble with the lighter and I take a deep breath to steady myself. Finally, I get the damned thing lit and inhale deeply, the harsh smoke soothing my frazzled nerves. Stuffing the box back into my pocket, I quickly brush away a few tears which have managed to escape against my will. I walk purposefully towards the dimly lit street, ready to get the hell out of here and away from the pack of idiots inside.

"Alex! Wait!" Marco is calling me, but I continue on. He's one of them and I have nothing to say to him. I hear his rapid footsteps approach as he runs to catch up to me. He grabs my shoulder and practically jumps into my path. I just glare at him. I don't need his pity, I don't need him.

His eyebrows are scrunched together in that oh-so-concerned look of his. "Alex, what happened in there? Are you drunk or something?"

His question actually shocks me for a moment, but then of course that's what he would think. That's what they all think of me, Alex Nuñez: Juvenile Delinquent. "No!" I yell and swat his hand away from my shoulder. At his hurt look, I reply in a lower voice, "No, Marco, I'm not drunk, okay? She just pissed me off."

He grins a little, "Oh, well c'mon it can't be that bad, it's just Manny. I mean, antagonizing people is like her calling. What could she possibly have said that would warrant an attempt on her life?"

I know he's not going to let me leave without an answer, and I really don't have the energy to fight him right now. "She told me the truth... about Paige and Spinner," I say in a pathetically shaky voice.

I wish that he would deny it. I want him to tell me that Manny is a lying whore and reassure me that I am the only one that Paige wants. If only I could believe for just a few more moments in the dear, sweet Paige who would never hurt me like this; it would be worth another lie. The smile drops off his face and his mouth opens like he's going to say something, but he's apparently at a loss for words. Doesn't matter, nothing he could say right now would change anything.

I take a deep drag off my cigarette and raise my eyebrows expectantly. After a moment in which he still says nothing, I shake my head and look away from his shocked face. "Look, there's nothing to talk about, okay? It's done, I'm done. I'd just like to get out of here now, if you don't mind."

He jerks his head slightly and seems to get his wits about him again. "No, wait. Alex, you should let her explain. It was just a stupid mistake, she still loves you."

I laugh dryly, I'm sure the disbelief is plain on my face. "Not my problem anymore. We're over, Paige is free to fuck whoever she wants."

Marco cringes at my harsh choice of words. He grabs my free hand and squeezes it as he looks deep into my eyes. "I am so sorry that you had to find out like this. I know how much this hurts." He pauses for a long moment and just stares into my eyes. "Please know that I am not excusing her actions in any way," he takes a deep breath before continuing, "but she was so messed up the day that you broke up with her. I have never seen her that upset over anyone and I know that, no matter what happened between her and Spinner, she still loves you."

I want to scream. I want to break down and sob. I want to clutch onto Marco and feel his arms around me as I let loose all the pain and rage that have built up inside me. I want to tell him all my paranoid fears, how I feel like such an idiot for believing that she could love me; about the picture of Paige with Spinner that keeps playing in my head. Even if I could let myself do that, I know it would all get back to her. Marco is Paige's friend, just like most of the people I now call my friends. Everything I thought was mine has really always belonged to her.

I pull my hand away from him and look down, focusing my blurred vision on the little red ember at the end of my cigarette as I let it drop from my fingers and slowly grind it into the dirt with my toe. After blinking hard a few times to suppress my tears, I set my jaw and look up to meet his eyes. "Can I go now?" I ask simply.

He looks so confused for a minute. He glances around as if trying to come up with reasons for me to stay, but he knows as well as I do that there aren't any. His shoulders hunch slightly as he asks me, "Do you want me to drive you?"

I shake my head, "I'm gonna walk."

"If you need anything, Alex. You know I'm here for you," he says almost pleadingly. "I'm gonna call you, tomorrow, okay?" he asks as I start to walk away.

Waving back at him without turning around, I pull my last cigarette from the pack and toss the empty box to the ground. Miraculously, I manage to hold the flood of tears back until I make it home.