DragonAge: Reflections

Chapter 1: Regrets.

I watch him. I watch all of him. I watch his weary looking face broken and burnt against the light of his pitiful camp fire. I watch his bloodied hand idly caress the ring I had given him, the ring that symbolized our bond and wondered truly if he would ever give up. He had changed in the passing months since we had parted, a change brought on by his relentless pursuit of myself and her but still, he was the man I knew. The man I loved.

I had warned him not to come after me. Had warned him that he would never find me or the babe, that it was a futile task. Warned him I did, not to waste his finite life on pursuing someone not worth his time. Bade him I did to find new lands, new adventures, new destinies. A new love that he could tend for. He did not, and a part of me was glad. A part of me that was foolish enough to become entangled in his roots, his life, his warm arms.

I shake my mind away from those thoughts and regarded the Warden again. He was alone, no companions nor faithful war hounds nor crystal golems. Alone in a land that loved him. A part of me had wondered how this could be, how this man could turn his back on all his friends and remaining family. He was celebrated in lands all across Ferelden, had riches and titles and friends in very high places, yet forsake them all in his chase for me. Why? I had struggled. Why does he persist?

Love that entangled part had answered. He does it because he loves you. Would love his child, so beautiful she'd be, would love to be with you no matter what. I knew this to be true, knew this to be right. Yet I wept black tears of regret.

He moved a little, shifting his wounded arm in its bloodied and stained sling so that he might better catch the light of the fire on the simple looking ring. A smile touched his face, perhaps remembering a better time he had spent with me, bringing a smile to my own face. To only touch his face once more, to trace those scars and fall into those arm-

He has changed, I remind myself, he has become bitter and regrets many things. I saw it every day as I watched him, saw his thoughts going dark and his rage, ever quelled before even in battle with the worst of the darkspawn, unleashed now upon it's full terror to those of the blight that had remained. Many times did it seem like he was the true monster in those skirmishes, his senses taking leave as he gave in to his broken humanity. I saw this and knew that I had done this to him. I saw what I had done to him that night.

We had lay that climatic night, performed dark magic, old magic and bound the doomed arch demon to spare his life and be reborn new, pure, powerful within my own womb. His child, our child with the soul of an Old God. An Old God with no taint, mine to mould and bring freedom back to a world encaged by ruined beliefs and burnt prophets.

I remember confessing that I wanted this child with him only, wanted us to be joined once more and create something beautiful, but if he would not have me to save his own life, to save both our lives, that Alistair would suffice and knew behind clenched teeth and self hatred as I spoke it, that those were Flemmeth's words. The words of a women dedicated to power and knew no love, not even for me. I knew then that it crushed my soul to say that, knew that it 'twas a foolish thing to say, foolish to toss his love for me like scraps from the table and that moment of pain hurt him more than I will ever know. It scarred us both.

What a fool I had been with that one sentence, what a fool was I to make him weep softly as he proclaimed his love for me, that he would agree to this not to save his own life, but to simply be with me, only me, once more. Confessed that he would gladly do this because I had asked, that he would do anything for me. He never spoke it but a part of me then knew that If I was to ask, he would have given up being a Grey Warden to care and protect his family such as it would be.

Family. It held a different meaning to him than it did for me. Butchered he had seen his loved parents, his nephew and sister in law murdered, gone and dead he had thought his sole surviving brother. The last Cousland he had thought of himself. Alone.

I remember him asking once where our relationship was going, I had taking his meaning to mean marriage, children, a quiet place in the countryside. Deeply, yes, I would have enjoyed, would have wanted something similar to it, but I knew that what I had to do would never allow us to sit in such bliss.

Perhaps he wished another way, being with me seemed enough for him truly, made him feel he was not alone in the world. That someone loved him, was there at his side. Hopes dashed when I told him I would leave and he would never see his child. Stupid words. Stupid true words. I wish I could have shared his life until the end. I wish he would see his daughter, oh my the wonders she will bring.

Regrets. We both have many of them.

My eyes are flooded with tears, the light of the fire burning into the back of my mind and wished I did that It would blind me so that I would not have to look on my broken beloved. Wiping the tears away silently, I force myself to look at him. He was gone.

A whisper, on the wind it seemed but I knew to be right behind me, floated into my ears.

"Hello Morrigan."