WINTER
DISCLAIMER: Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer. I own nothing, except an over-active imagination. The title of this fan fiction, and the various lyrics found throughout, are from a song with the same name—Winter, by Joshua Radin. I don't own any quotes from the book, either.
AUTHORS NOTE: This idea has been sitting in my head ever since I revisited Breaking Dawn a few months back, and came to fruition while I was watching my Scrubs DVDs (there's a reason for that, but I won't get into it now). It's my first ever Twilight fic, so be easy—I've barely read any of the stories on this website, so I'm not too certain on what's unoriginal and overdone, besides the obvious.
WARNING: This story is NOT all sunshine, lollypops and rainbows. It's dark, sad, and definitely doesn't have a good ending. Also, it contains spoilers (however vague) branching out from the beginning of Twilight all the way to the end of Breaking Dawn.
Lyrics by Joshua Radin.
I.
"I should know who I am by now,
I walk the record stand somehow,
Thinking of winter—
The name is the splinter inside me, while I wait."
Ever since I met Edward, I always thought that being a vampire was all that I ever wanted. I always thought that if I was turned, I could be with him forever. I could rid myself of my imperfections and finally—finally—be worthy of the god I fell in love with. I could be his equal, a true part of his family, and I could be better. I'd no longer be the naïve and clumsy Isabella Swan, the damsel in distress who always needed protecting.
No, I'd be the new and improved Bella Cullen, Edward's partner, graceful and strong. I'd be so powerful—so high above myself—that nothing could ever touch me.
The way I saw it, becoming a vampire was the answer to everything.
I was wrong.
It was perfect, for a while. I had my happy beginning—because when you can live forever, is there really an end?—I had my perfect husband, my gorgeous new family and I was even lucky enough to keep my Jacob, my best friend, who stayed beside me against all odds. When we fought, we won, and nobody got hurt. It was more than I could have ever hoped for. My life was wonderful, I was blessed.
Until without warning, everything changed.
And when the questions rose to my lips, the words crashed against my ears.
I was wrong.
Because no amount of time will ever give me the answers to those questions.
II.
"And I remember the sound
Of your November downtown,
And I remember the truth…
A warm December with you."
Ever since Edward left the first time, just after my birthday, I always thought that nothing could ever hurt as much. I always thought that his absence was the end—that life without him was meaningless. If I couldn't be with him, I couldn't be with anybody.
It made perfect sense, because he had taken my heart. He had pulled it straight out of my chest and flew away with it, the essence of my soul still pulsating, still beating in his beautiful, stone hands as he disappeared into the night. He gave everything else back to me, but he could never give me back my heart. It belonged to him, it was his, and it would be until the day I died—because I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived.
The way I saw it, when Edward returned to me, nothing else could ever hurt as much as his absence.
I was wrong.
Without him, I was a corpse—because when you don't have a heart, are you really living at all?—a nobody. When I lost Edward, I lost my will. It poured out of me in the middle of the night when I woke up and he wasn't there. I cried until something in me snapped, and I didn't feel sad anymore. I didn't feel anything anymore. I was completely numb, until the day he came back, when I could feel my heart racing in my chest, the blood pulsing hot and fast through my veins… I was perfect—not healed, but as if there had been no wound in the first place. I was whole.
Until my perfect world began to crumble, with one horrible act after another.
And when the tears fell at what I had lost, the words echoed in my head.
I was wrong.
Because I lost more than my heart this time… I lost my faith, I lost my soul—I lost everything.
III.
"But I don't have to make this mistake,
And I don't have to stay this way—
If only I would wake."
Ever since Edward defeated Victoria and her army of newborns—with help from his family and Jake—I always thought that we could survive anything. I always thought that if we could fight against so many of his kind and win that things might just work out after all. As long as I had Edward, no matter how hard things got, I was able to face whatever came our way. As long as I could look up and stare into his beautiful, golden eyes and know that he'd be with me forever, I'd always succeed, no matter what.
Things were better than good—we were in love, engaged, and all threats had been eliminated. What we didn't see eye-to-eye on, we compromised on and learnt from. We grew—together as a couple, on our own as individuals, and in a group as a family. We complemented each other perfectly, like two souls entwined together, forever seeking out a path of love, friendship and deep connection.
The way I saw it, we could do anything and prevail, as long as I could see it in his eyes.
I was wrong.
I had Edward, and I had his love, and I had the life I always wanted. I thought that it was enough—because if love is real, and it's right, it really will conquer all, won't it?—and for a long while, it was. I had him to hold onto, to piece me back together when my heart came undone, and to stop it from separating in the first place. Our love was like a ball of yarn, slowly and steadily growing bigger as our friends and family added to it. It became a tangled web of hope and affection, but it held strong. We survived, after everything, and nothing could come between us.
Until somebody pulled out a string, and it completely unravelled.
And when I was left with the scattered remains, the words were spelled out before my eyes.
I was wrong.
Because I know in my heart that we've already failed when I can't stand to meet his eyes anymore.
IV.
"The walk has all been cleared by now,
Your voice is all I hear somehow,
Calling out winter—
Your voice is the splinter inside me, while I wait."
Ever since Edward changed me, and we became a family, I always thought that I would never regret a single decision. I always thought that we had done everything right, that things happened the way they should and for a reason. I was never big on the idea of fate, but in such a short time, we had survived through so much, so who was I to argue? I had Edward, I had Reneesme, I had my family and I even had Jacob. Somehow, someway, I had gotten my little slice of heaven, and I had no regrets.
Not even when I was at death's door, ready to sacrifice my life for my daughter and everything she stood for, did I regret any decision that led me up to that moment. I was dying, but it was for someone I loved with every fibre of my being. And if I lived, only to see them die, I would die myself. So I didn't waste my time on regret or what-ifs. I looked forward to the future, and I pressed on. And somehow, things worked out.
The way I saw it, I had no reason to regret anything that led me to that moment.
I was wrong.
I honestly thought things were alright. We all did. Even Carlisle, the oldest and the wisest of us all, didn't see this coming. Alice never had a chance to tell us what was coming—because what you don't see, you can't possibly know, can you?—or that anything was wrong to begin with. When it was all said and done, we searched for every explaination, every possibility and every reason for what happened, but there was no way we could have known. One minute everything was okay, the next minute it wasn't.
The world was a cornucopia of colours, sounds and lights—a constant stream of motion that all traced back to one, small lady. I never regretted anything I said or did when I saw her, or all her colours. Everything was so bright, so warm and so inviting. Red, flushed cheeks and graceful, fluent movements... Nothing could stop those beautiful, radiant lights she brought forth from moving. Nothing could stop her from moving.
Until out of the blue, something did—all the colours faded and died and became still.
And as we cross the cemetery gates, the words rest on my tongue.
"I was wrong."
Because I regret every moment that I was away, now that I know I'll never see my baby girl again.
"I could have lost myself in rough dark waters in your eyes…
And I miss you still."
AUTHORS NOTE II: Like it? Hate it? Don't get it? Think it's strange, awful, good, brilliant, stupid, pointless or crap? I don't care what you say—just tell me. Constructive criticism is always welcome, and comments make me smile.
AUTHORS NOTE III: A few reviewers were confused about the point of this story when they read it, so I decided to write this authors note to clarify a few things. Firstly, Reneesme died. That's sort of the point of this story. Secondly, the way it's written is done for a reason. Bella's mind keeps bringing up things that she believed were true (like, for example, believing that turning into a vampire would be the answer to everything, and that nothing could possibly hurt more than Edward leaving her) but she was actually quite wrong about. In the face of her daughter's death, they all pale in comparison. It's a confusing conundrum of realisation, grief and regret. I hope this clarifies some of it for you.
- Exangeline.