A.N: Epic Movie was ca-rap! But I still thought the CATCF parody was pretty funny, along with the POTC parody. Y'know, if the role of Jack Sparrow (well, Jack Swallows in this film lol) wasn't so exaggerated, it would've been on the spot! Crispin Glover is a fantastic actor, and I was surprised that he was in this film at all (he was Willy Wonka), but I think he did a really good job of portraying Wonka. If Depp didn't get the role in the actual movie, Glover would've done fine! Though Depp still somehow would've been more attractive, lol
Anyways, this is my take on how the real Willy Wonka would react if he saw Epic Movie. Along with the Buckets.
Darn Parodies!
"Oh dear God."
That was all Willy Wonka could utter when the parody interpretation of himself appeared before his eyes, right on the television screen. He ignored the distant, muffled giggles of the Buckets, who were huddled together on the grandparent's bed behind him. They could hardly see past Willy's hat anymore, since he had risen from his seat and had his nose right at the screen the moment the 'factory doors' opened.
The parody Wonka only said one word before the real Wonka detonated.
"Welcome."
"This is insulting and humiliating propaganda!" the real Wonka whined loudly, leaping from his seat but not quite away from the television, pointing at the screen accusingly. He glared at the Buckets when he noticed that they were all trying to stifle their laughter.
"I've been expecting you," the parody Wonka said in a close up.
"Wait!" Charlie shouted in surprise, his posture rose at the sight of the parody Wonka. "Isn't that the guy from Back to the Future? He played George McFly, didn't he?"
"So..." the parody Wonka whispered, and gestured them to enter, "C'mon!"
"Hmm, I think you're right Charlie!" Mrs Bucket replied, squinting at the screen for a better look. No one seemed to notice the incredulous look the real Wonka was shooting them. Charlie's mother continued, leaning back once she stopped squinting, "He was in Charlie's Angels too, I think--"
"HELLO? Are you people listening to me? This is so stupid! It's so insulting!" Willy complained, stomping his foot on the ground. "It's--"
"--just a parody, Willy," Mr Bucket reassured, with an amused grin.
Willy simply scowled at him, knowing he would get that reply, and turned to Charlie. "Charlie! They even parodied you! You're not even blond!"
Charlie rolled his eyes at him, and tried to glance past him. The 'orphans' were entering the factory. Charlie waved him off, "Oh, don't take it so personally, Mr Wonka. It's just a movie. And it's a parody, they make fun of everything." Charlie glanced up at his mentor and raised his eyebrows. "Remember Scary Movie?"
"But I'm a real person! I'm no film! And my life isn't so 'epic', is it?" No one replied, they were all laughing at the chocolate room set. It looked similar, but definitely not as huge as the real deal.
Willy circled around and saw what was they were laughing at, and jumped in startlement. "What the--? How did they know what the chocolate room looks like!" He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, remembering 'the day'. "I knew it! One of the kids or the parents must've been a spy..." He paused in thought, and peered back at the screen. "But even if they did, they did a lousy job of recreating it!"
"They could've at least 'CGed' the Oompa Loompas," Mr Bucket mused out loud, as it showed a wideshot of the room.
"Look at the river!" Willy exclaimed in horror. He pointed at the screen, almost trembling. "Look at it! It looks nothing like mine!"
"I love your legendary candy," Lucy sighed as she gazed in awe at the sweet sight before her eyes.
The real Wonka smirked and folded his arms in front of himself, "Well, I like her."
"A chocolate river!" Edward shouted as he caught sight of it.
The Buckets and Willy watched in surprise, especially Charlie and Wonka, since it was almost like a sense of deja vu. Edward got down on his knees, leaned over the edge and began scooping up handfuls of the melted 'chocolate'.
"Chocolate!" Edward exclaimed with glee, his mouth full of chocolate, ending with a hearty laugh.
Charlie grinned wickedly, and laid on his stomach, his chin rested in his palms, "I saw this part in the trailer, it was gross!"
The real Wonka frowned, feeling a little apprehensive. "Why? W-why? What happens?"
"That's actually the sewer line...yeah," the parody Wonka informed with a nod, with no emotion at all.
"SAY WHAT?" the real Wonka shrieked, his gaze flying back to the screen. He was the only one not laughing in the room, as Edward began to regurgitate the 'chocolate' and spit it back in the river, and as Lucy began to laugh at his misfortune.
"Children," the parody Wonka began, putting his arms around the four of them, "do you wanna know what makes my candy taste so special?"
"Uh huh!" Edward replied, speaking for all of them.
"It's a special, secret ingredient," the parody Wonka added, as it cut to eager shots of the four. "It's real. Human. Parts."
"WHAT!" shrieked the real Wonka, as the Buckets had almost the same look as the orphans in the film. Eventually Charlie began to laugh, as did the his parents. Wonka continued his sudden outburst. "That's absurd! That's disgusting! It's so, so, so gross!"
"There's gonna be a little, itty bitty piece of each and every one of you inside of the yummy yum candy, literally," the parody Wonka explained as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
"Curse you Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer!!!" the real Wonka yelled, cursing the writers, once again pointing at the screen. "You guys are sick! SICK, I tell you!!!"
"Sssshhh!" Charlie was starting to get agitated by Willy's interuptions. "This is getting good."
Edward gulped with a wide-eyed expression, "I'm gettin' outta here."
Edward made a rush for the door, but as quick as lightning, the parody Wonka rushed towards some sort of lever, pulled it, closing the doors tightly. The response was a bunch of whimpers from the orphans.
"Let us out freak!" Susan shrieked angrilly.
"Let us out freak!" Lucy, for some reason, also shrieked.
"She's retarded," the real Wonka muttered with a quirk of an eyebrow. "Cute, but retarded."
"No, no! I can't do that!" the parody Wonka replied with a shake of his finger.
"Yes you can!" Susan said as-matter-of-factly.
"Yes you can!" Lucy repeated, oblivious that her friend had said it first.
"See what I mean?" the real Wonka snickered.
"You're..." the parody Wonka stepped forward and the suspenseful music came to a halt. "...mine now."
And suddenly, Fergie's song "Fergalicious" began to play, just as the Oompa Loompas began to march out of nowhere.
"I think I know what's coming," Charlie said between his laughter, spotting the real Wonka's annoyed demeanor.
Willy glanced down at him instantly, with a very anxious look, "What? What--is it bad? Is--is it good?"
"Well, I've seen a lot of films Mr Wonka, and whenever the music suddenly stops, and then a new song starts, either they start singing or dancing." Charlie smirked at the horrified expression he received. "And since this song in particular has lyrics, I'm guessing that someone is gonna to start boogieing down."
Willy's look was priceless, and made the Buckets laugh even harder. He shut his tightly and prayed, as on the screen, the Oompa Loompas began to drag away the orphans. "Please be the Oompa Loompas, please be the Oompa Loompas..."
And much to the real Wonka's dismay...
"Fergalicious, definition make the boys go loco--"
The parody Wonka began to boogie! Rather well, I might add...
...which triggered everyone, except the real Wonka of course, to start howling with laughter. Willy just stood there, frozen in shock, eyes glued to the screen as the parody Wonka danced his heart out.
Edward was being pushed towards something, where the nearby sign read 'The Nut Cruncher'. His eyes darted around, full of fear, when out of nowhere, the parody Wonka appeared, spun around gracefully and whacked him on the back with his cane.
"Oww!" Edward shrieked, as he fell onto the top of some sort of slide. Before he could register anything, the Oompa Loompa brought down a mallet, hard on his--
"Oooh..." the Buckets all winced in pain, as did the real Wonka, but it all turned into laughter when they saw two nuts roll down the slide.
Willy wrinkled is nose in disgust as he saw that that was about to be used as a secret ingredient in some nutty Wonka bars. Or in this case, they were renamed 'Willy bars'.
"That's just revolting, just vile!"
It cut to a shot of the parody Wonka doing a sideways cartwheel over the bridge and running off in a very odd fashion, which made the Buckets applaude for some reason.
Charlie grinned up at the surprised Wonka, "Can you do that?"
"I can do a lot of things," the real Wonka murmured, who was really trying to pay attention to what was happening, or what was about to happen.
Lucy was laying on a surgery table, a surgical blanket draped over her entire body, save for her head, and was surrounded by the Oompa Loompas. The parody Wonka approached her, lifted the blanket, and stuck one hand underneath.
The real Wonka leaned in curiously, "What's that he's doing?"
After a few odd, squishy sounds, and a yelp from Lucy, the parody Wonka pulled his hand back out, holding...a human heart?
"Ewww!" the Buckets all groaned in disgust, averting their eyes from the screen. The real Wonka continued to watch in horror, as the parody Wonka threw the heart to a fellow Oompa Loompa, who caught it and tucked it away in love heart shaped box. Possibly for Valentine's Day.
"That's just...that's just..." Willy felt as though he had used almost all the words that could mean 'gross'. He scowled at the screen and pouted, "I'm not going to say anything. You know exactly what I think."
The Buckets began to laugh their heads off once again, when it cut to a shot of the parody Wonka dancing once again.
"He can move so well! It's so cool!" Charlie laughed, but at the same time, gasping for air.
Mrs Bucket wasn't aware of the smile growing on her, "It's kind of alluring, seeing as how I had a crush on George McFly."
"WHAT?" the real Wonka shrieked, spinning around to her, almost knocking off a nearby lamp. He glanced down at the grandparents; thank God they were asleep, but he was surprised that they didn't wake up due to his outbursts or the sound of the Bucket's laughter.
The parody Wonka then approached Peter with a set of dentist's tongs, who was laying back on a dentist's chair, of course. His mouth was being held open as Wonka reached in with the tongs, ignoring Peter's feminine screams, and yanked out a tooth, which flew all the way to another Oompa Loompa, packing it away in a box of caramel corn.
The Buckets were both moaning in disgust, and laughing until it looked like they were crying. The real Wonka however, was still watching silently. He was still surreptitiously muttering profanities silently in his mind.
They cut to a shot of Susan being dragged somewhere by the Oompa Loompas.
"Stop! Let! Me! G--uh? Huh?" she stopped abruptly, obviously since she realized who she was being dragged to.
There, stood the parody Wonka, preparing his kick-ass move. Or should we say 'kick-head' move? Susan sensed this, and began to scream. Mid scream, however, Wonka spun around and kicked her head right off, martial arts style.
Once again, the Buckets howled with laughter, while the real Wonka buried his face in his hands with a groan, as Susan's head flew off and hit some sort of target. Charlie patted him on the back, trying to seem reassuring even though he was still laughing, as he watched as her head land in a pot of yellow goo.
"Hey Mr Wonka! Can you do that?" Charlie asked between his laughter.
He frowned up at him, "Do what?"
"That cool kick thing the parody version of you can do! That was brilliant!" Charlie chuckled, seeing the parody Wonka lift the yellow goo covered, severed head up on a hook and the Oompa Loompas packing it away in a box which read 'Sour Yellow Head'.
Willy scowled back at the screen, "Maybe. But not in that way!"
The Buckets began to laugh out loud once again, as it went to a shot of the parody Wonka approaching the camera with a 'W' branding iron, as they heard nearby screams from the orphans. The orphans were huddled together in fear as they screamed, being forced together by the Oompa Loompas. The scene ended with the branding iron, and a searing, hissing sound. They all knew what had happened...especially since the next shot was of the 'W' shaped branding on Peter's ass.
And finally, the blasted 'Fergalicious' song faded out.
"Thank God that's over," Willy sighed in relief, yet still not looking away from the screen, and began to take a sip of water. He only just realized he had been sweating nervously all the way through that part of the film.
The camera cut to shot of Lucy at the door, wiping the door knob with a rag.
"What are you doing?" Edward asked from the other side of the room.
Lucy looked over her shoulder at him, "Willy told me he wanted his knob polished."
As the Buckets burst into laughter, the real Wonka spat out the water onto the screen. "I wanted WHAT?"
A.N: Yeah, I whipped this up while watching the clip on YouTube. It's probably just as retarded as the actual film, but I just had to get the idea of my mind! lol, read and review!