A/N: If you love Twilight, I'd advise you to leave now. I used to like Twilight and actually own all the books from the series; and therefore have read them. But, my sister happened to point out some massive flaws with the series, which led to me reading several online rants about the book. I now despise them with a passion. I also wasted half an hour of my life writing this.
And, just as a general question, does anyone else think that Stephenie Meyer looks exactly like Bella's description?
Disclaimer: Twilight and everything related to the series is owned by Stephenie Meyer.
Twilight – An Abridged Version
Chapter One – Forks:
We meet a very whiny, young, adolescent teenager who is named Isabella Swan. However, she must be called Bella otherwise she is not hip and trendy enough. Bella moves to Forks. It rain's lots. She whines for several pages about rain. She then proceeds to whine about how she hates going to a new school. (Anyone else thinking that if it was this much trouble and drama, why the HELL did she move in the first place?) Bella see's wonderful, pretty, hot, creepy, staring boy. Said boy is repulsed by her (LUL) in Biology class.
Chapter Two – Obsession: Begin.
Bella complains about school some more. Bella complains about Edward not being here. Bella complains about missing Edward. Edward returns. Bella complains about Edward changing.
Chapter Three – CAR CRASH
Bella's almost killed by a car. Sadly she isn't. Super duper Edward saves her with magical speed and strength. Superman? Maybe. Bella dreams of Edward. (Fan girl in the making?)
Chapter Four – Edward: The Freak Is Born
Edward decides to run from Bella. (Good choice!) For some inexplicable reason, Bella is suddenly a Mary-Sue, and is asked out by some many brain damaged boys to the school dance. She becomes 'I-am-too-good-for-you-none-vampire-boys' and decides to go to Seattle instead. Edward decides to accompany her. (CONTRADICTION!)
Chapter Five – Blood
Today, in this non-stop action book, Bella is in Biology class doing blood tests. The blood makes Bella feel faint. (She loves a vampire but can't stand blood? LULWUT?) Edward appears magically again and saves the day! Again.
Chapter Six – Story Time!
Bella is invited to La Push. (I'm assuming this is because people believe there to be some humour and happiness hidden beneath all her angst. Or because Meyer must make Bella a Mary-Sue; and therefore must be liked by all.) Trying to figure out Edward's A-mazing powers, Bella flirts with the poor soul Jacob. (She's using him! The cold hearted bitch.) Finds out werewolves and vampires are enemies. (Zomg, she didn't already know that?!) Despite Jacob stating it is a fairy tale, Bella believes it must be true!
Chapter Seven – Google
Bella dreams of Edward again. (She's an obsessed lunatic. Why doesn't he run?) Google's vampire. Plans to go to Port Angeles with 'friends'.
Chapter Eight – Shopping Spree
Some drabble about buying clothes. Bella again is found whining; this time about said clothes. Whines also about the crappy bookshop. Is going to be raped. Again, Super-Ed saves the day. They go to dinner. Edward is a vampire who can read thoughts! Originality win.
Chapter Nine – Continued Complaints
Complaints continue. The obvious question of, 'What is Edward?', is answered. (If you hadn't guessed by now...God help you.) Bella obsesses over Edward and his hawtness. Bella admits to loving Edward. (Wtf? She doesn't even know him.)
Chapter Ten – More Angst
Edward also lurves Bella. Cannot read her thoughts. (Boohoo.) Suggests 'mystery date'.
Chapter Eleven – Questions
Eddy interviews Bella. Classmates are jealous of their 'relationship'. (God knows why, they hated him before.) Billy is confused at their relationship. Bella concludes that the legend she was told is undoubtedly true. Despite Eddy already telling her he is a vampire. Bella = The New Sherlock Holmes!
Chapter Twelve – Family Troubles ):
Jacob admits he thinks his Dad is mentally unstable. Eddy's family does not like Bella. (Is it really that shocking?) Edward admits he may kill Bella at any point. This makes Bella believe Eddy is amazing.
Chapter Thirteen – Sparkly Things
Eddy shows Bella his sparkle skin. Eddy also admits to wanting to eat Bella. (Why doesn't he?) They admit they are in lurve with each other. (Vampire and human love? This only foretells terrible troubles!)
Chapter Fourteen – Vampire History
Edward tells Bella about their history. (Possibly the most interesting thing in the entire series.) We find out more of Eddy's vampire family have magical powers. Bella and Eddy get horny. But no sex. (Good example for the kiddies, Meyer.)
Chapter Fifteen – Meet the Parents
Nothing interesting happens. Bella introduced to family. They all love her. (Of course.) 'Cept Rosalie. (Go Rosalie!)
Chapter Sixteen – Daddy
More history update.
Chapter Seventeen – Vampire Baseball
The vamps play baseball. Some real vampires turn up. They want to kill our dear, beloved Bells! (Oh noes!)
Chapter Eighteen - Repeat
It's essentially the same thing as the last chapter. Only wonderful Meyer spends an entire chapter stating the obvious for us.
Chapter Nineteen – Over-protectiveness
We learn James is the real killer. Eddy goes mega-protective and decides Bella must go back to Phoenix. (Let us hope this is where she will stay forever.)
Chapter Twenty – No, she's not dead yet
Bella is living in a hotel room alongside Alice and Jasper. Bella moans some more about the lack of Edward. (How out of character and tension building!)
Chapter Twenty-One – Mobile Phone's
Despite everyones stupid amounts of effort to keep Bella safe, she decides to run away. (Bitch.)
Chapter Twenty-Two – The Great Escape
Bella escapes Jasper and Alice (ungrateful cow) and goes to James to save her Mum. Turns out James is also super-smart and has tricked dim-witted Bella. Starts to kill her. Just when things get good, she blacks out. (Wtf?!)
Chapter Twenty-Three – Some Things Never Change
Bella wakes up. Sees her lovely Edward. Rants about his perfection. Complains about pain. Oh shut up.
Chapter Twenty-Four – The End!
Eddy moans at Bella. Bella moans at Eddy. They are in more lurve. The end. (Thank God.)