A/N: This story is a reflection on my Christmas/New Year. I'm using Derek and Penelope because they are infinitely cooler than my husband and me. Infertility is a lot more common than people think.
You may not like this story but it is what it is. The characters are fictional but the events are real.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.
December
"Derek, Derek!" Penelope squealed as she ran out of the bathroom. He was still in bed and groaned at his wife's early-morning enthusiasm. He crossed his eyes when she put something in his hand. He raised it to his face, trying to focus on what it was, then his eyes widened when he saw the two pink lines.
He sat up in bed and looked at his wife. "Oh, my God, Baby Girl!" He enveloped her in a huge hug, then shoved his hands through her hair and kissed her.
'I got my Christmas wish," she whispered.
"Do you want to tell Mom when we visit next week?" he asked. They both took vacation time to give them an extra boost on not working for Christmas or New Year's.
"No, I want to wait until I'm twelve weeks along, to make sure..." she trailed off. "I'll be exactly twelve weeks on Valentine's Day. I'll photoshop a cute announcement before then and maybe we can sneak off that weekend and go to Chicago and surprise them!"
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"Still trying to get over that cold you brought home," she pretend-pouted.
"I'm sorry, Baby. Half of the police force involved in the last case was coughing and sneezing everywhere. I thought Reid was going to bolt out every time someone sneezed!"
Penelope was disappointed that the team got a case first thing Monday morning. As she presented the case she felt a sudden lurch from her stomach. She excused herself and bolted from the roundtable room, barely making it to the restroom before her breakfast made an encore performance. She felt someone pulling her hair away and rubbing her back. She stood up and looked up and saw it was Derek. He offered her a bottle of water, which she used to wash out her mouth before popping in a cough drop.
"Are you all right, Kitten?" Rossi asked as she and Derek came back in the conference room.
"Oh, yeah. Still getting over that cold you guys got," she grimaced.
"Jack has it too. We were both sick a couple days ago," Hotch said.
"So was I, but luckily Henry and Michael haven't gotten it."JJ said.
"Wheel's up in thirty," Hotch told the team. "Garcia, feel better." He sent her a tiny smile.
"Thanks, sir." Penelope smiled back, although it didn't reach her eyes.
The flight was two-and-a-half hours long and Morgan was restless the entire time. Penelope had Skyped them about ninety minutes in and gave them several insights into the lives of the four victims, which narrowed down the vicitimology significantly.
Penelope was sick a few more times over the course of the case. During one of her bouts of sickness she had missed a call from Derek. She had left her office in such a hurry that she forgot her phone on the desk. When she got back hey phone was ringing nonstop. She sat down saw it was Derek. "Hey, boo," she greeted, still feeling weak from being sick.
"Penelope, are you all right?' Derek asked.
"Sorry, my love. Not feeling too good still."
"Don't apologize for being sick, Baby Girl. We were getting worried when you didn't answer your phones."
"I'm fine now, my chocolate Adonis. What do you need...?"
Derek was with JJ when he had called. After he finished talking with Penelope she turned to him. "How is she doing?"
Derek hesitated. He usually followed Penelope's cues and was as open and candid with their troubles as she was. The team knew about their disappointments and knew what to say and what not to say. But he also respected her wishes to keep mum until the second trimester.
"She's losing hope," he confessed. "Next month will be five years of us trying to conceive. That's a milestone we never thought we'd have to see," he said.
"And the doctors still don't know why she can't carry to term?"
"No. Every single test was normal. She has none of the usual symptoms of infertility. The Clomid and Femara didn't help. IVF isn't covered through our insurance. The doctors are stumped."
"We need to plan a girls day after you guys get the back from Chicago," JJ said. "A little retail therapy, a spa day..."
"She'd love that," Derek smiled and put on his headphones.
Derek Skyped with Penelope every night and he hoped the case would wrap up before they were to leave. They both needed the time away. The case was rough and another victim was killed before they were able to name the UNSUBs, and another was killed before they found them. They were able to stop them from killing their seventh victim. They also discovered that they were stalking five other women, with detailed plans on how they were going to abduct and kill them. The case wrapped up and they were home late Thursday afternoon.
Derek and Penelope stayed late on Thursday night finishing the reports. By Friday Penelope felt much better and they were both excited to get away for two whole weeks. Mercifully, they didn't have another case and early Saturday morning they boarded a commercial flight to Chicago. Since it was close to Christmas, the plane was packed. Penelope couldn't help but stare as a young woman boarded after them. She had a baby in her arms; an adorable girl with thick strawberry-blonde hair. Her heart soared when she thought that she'd finally have her own baby by next Christmas.
The couple spent the first part of the week visiting Derek's old stomping grounds: the community center, the cemetery, his old CPD precinct. They bought Christmas gifts for everyone and spent one whole afternoon in his childhood bedroom wrapping them.
The morning of December 23 Penelope woke up to pains in her abdomen. "No," she whispered as she ran to the bathroom. It wasn't long before Derek woke up and found her there, sitting on the bathroom floor, crying.
"I'm so sorry, Baby Girl," he whispered in her ear as he gathered her in his arms. He picked her up and carried her back to bed. He tucked her in and got her a heating pad and some Tylenol with water, which she took. He turned on the TV and gave her the remote.
Derek went downstairs to make some breakfast and saw his mom sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee. "Hey, Baby Boy. What's on the agenda today?" she asked.
Derek sighed. "Penelope's not feeling well. I think we're going to stay in today." He set about making Penelope's favorite breakfast, French toast.
"Derek, what's wrong?" Fran asked when he broke the eggs over the bowl way rougher than necessary.
"Mama, we got a positive pregnancy test last week," he confessed.
"That's wonderful, Baby!"
"Penelope stated bleeding this morning." It was a hollow and devastating confession as he whisked the eggs and milk together.
Fran gasped. "Not again!" she whispered.
Derek nodded. "This is the fifth chemical pregnancy she's had, plus the miscarriages at six weeks, eight weeks, and ten weeks."
"I'm so sorry."
"She was so happy," his voice cracked as he flipped the bread. "We really thought this was it. Right before Christmas..."
"Is it because of me? Am I going to be such a shitty mom that God is sparing children from having me as a mother?" Penelope, Derek, and Fran were getting the food ready for Christmas Eve dinner.
"You'll be a great Mom, Baby Girl," Derek consoled as she cried.
"Then what is it? My past mistakes? What we see on a daily basis... child abuse, murderers... and I'm the one that's infertile... It's just not fair."
Fran cleared her throat. "I know it's not fair and I can't emphasize but just remember, everything happens for a really good reason."
Penelope sniffed and thought back...
September
"Calm down and slow down. I can't understand what you're saying," Penelope spoke soothingly into her cell phone. It was six in the morning and after the all-nighter she pulled, she was exhausted. She still answered when her friend from the support group, Jill, called.
"I can't... I can't do this..." the younger woman gasped.
"You can't do what, Jill?"
"Penelope... I'm pregnant!" Jill wailed into the receiver. Penelope closed her eyes and tried to hold back the tears as her friend sobbed.
"Have you seen a doctor?" Penelope asked.
"Yeah. I'm eight weeks along."
"And the father?"
"He's some asshat I used to work with the maturity of a teenager."
"I... used to work with?" Penelope asked.
"I lost my job," Jill whispered.
"What do you need?"
"I don't know. I just had to tell somebody."
"I'm here for you. We'll talk on Monday after group, OK?
October
"Thank you all for coming," Penelope said to the group as they stood to leave. Jill stayed behind to help her clean and put away the chairs.
"How are you feeling, Jill?" Penelope asked kindly. She tried to not let her personal feelings show.
"Better. The morning sickness is gone and I had an ultrasound the other day." She pulled a picture out of her bag and Penelope's heart lurched as she looked at the ultrasound still.
"Penelope, I wanted to ask... You and your husband have been trying to have a baby, right?" The younger woman was looking away when she asked.
"Yeah, for almost five years now," Penelope tried not to sound bitter at the milestone.
"Do you... I mean, have you considered adoption?"
"We have, but this lists are so long and it's so expensive," Penelope sighed.
"I've been wanting to ask for awhile... would you like to adopt my baby?" Jill asked, finally looking at Penelope.
"What?" Penelope asked stupidly.
"The father is useless. I'm still out of work. I don't have the means to take care of this baby. You do. And you'll be a great mom."
"I'll think about it and talk to my husband, OK?" Penelope's heart soared.
"Jill asked if we would be interested in adopting her baby," Penelope announced three days later. Derek had gotten back from a week-long case in Santa Fe and they were getting ready for bed.
"What!?" Derek paused in the middle of taking his shirt off. "Are you serious?"
"Yes."
"What did you say?" he asked slowly.
"I told her I'd think about it and talk to you," she shrugged. "What do you think?"
"Absolutely," he grinned.
"Really?" she dropped her hairbrush and turned, gaping at Derek.
"Yeah... I mean, we've considered adoption. Why not?"
"Oh, my God," she squealed and dove for her husband. He caught her and twirled her around. "I'm going to be a mommy," she whispered.
"Yeah," Penelope dried her tears and managed a small smile. "Everything happens for a really good reason..."
Penelope tried her best to be enthusiastic through Christmas. Sarah and Desiree stayed over on Christmas Eve and Yvonne, Cindi, and Anthony came by and they spent Christmas Day together. Penelope said she was still not one-hundred percent from her bout of flu and they didn't question her. As usual, she was candid about her struggles. It felt better to be open and honest than keeping it a secret. Besides, most of her family consisted of people who study behavior for a living, so there was no point in keeping secrets, anyway.
"What's annoying is the 'advice'" Penelope signed quotation marks with her hands as she spoke. "The 'stop trying and it'll happen,' the 'why don't you get drunk,' the 'just relax...' The first two years, we weren't really trying but we weren't preventing. I haven't been stone sober for five straight years. And relaxing? You'd never tell a diabetic to relax and their pancreas will magically start making insulin again, so why would you tell that to an infertile? Relaxing won't unblock a fallopian tube, or make ovarian cysts disappear, or boost egg count!"
It felt good to Penelope to vent. "And the hurtful advice! The 'you're so lucky,' 'the world is already overpopulated anyway,' the 'maybe it's not meant to be.' I really wish people would just think before saying things."
"Why don't you start a blog about your journey?" Sarah suggested.
"My therapist had me write down stuff... that happened," Cindi divulged. "It really helped, seeing it there. It helped me accept what I could and could not change."
Penelope and Derek Skyped JJ, Will, Henry, and Michael, then Hotch and Jack, and the rest of the team Christmas night. She watched them open their gifts and tried not to cry as Henry kissed the camera and told her how much he loved her.
Penelope felt better and on Monday Derek took her to do "touristy" things around the city. They spent most of the day at the Museum of Science and Industry, then he took her to the Willis Tower, then surprised her with a dinner at the tower's skydeck.
Instead if going back to his mother's house, he took her to the Hyatt. Before she knew it, Penelope was relaxing in a bubble bath. The next morning Derek ordered a full room service breakfast which they ate while watching the city below them.
He took her to Navy Pier and they rode the ferris wheel, then they went to Millennium Park for ice skating. She had a blast and took so many pictures she had to buy another memory card for her phone. Every time they visited Chicago it was summer and she was happy to see it in the wintertime. They took the L everywhere so she could see everything and took it back to his home after spending two nights at the hotel.
The weather people predicted snow for the new year so the family decided to stay in and watch the ball drop in New York on TV, even though it was an hour ahead. They played games and she laughed as she re-heard some of Derek's favorite and not-so-favorite stories about him growing up.
Before they knew it, it was Saturday and they had to get back to Virginia. Fran was teary as she kissed and hugged them goodbye at security. Like the flight to Chicago, the return to D.C. was uneventful. When Penelope switched her phone back from airplane mode at the gate, she saw she had a missed call from Jill. She figured she had a doctor's appointment that week or something so she waited until they got home and she starting unpacking before calling her back.
"Hey, sorry I didn't call you back straightaway," she apologized when the younger woman answered. "We spent Christmas and the New Year in Chicago with Derek's mom and sisters. We just got home a little while ago."
"It's OK. I figured you were really busy," Jill sounded off and Penelope immediately picked up on it.
"Jill, what is it? Are you all right?" Penelope asked in concern.
"I'm fine. Everything's going well."
"You're what, twenty-six weeks along now right?"
"Yeah, twenty-six weeks. Listen, Penelope... I... I don't know how to tell you this... Brian asked me to marry him and I said yes."
"Brian?"
"He's the father."
Penelope sat down amongst the clothes on the bed. "Oh," was all she could say.
"I... we... we decided we're going to keep the baby. We're going to keep her."
"Her?" Penelope could barely speak the single word.
"It's a girl."
"I see," Penelope felt the tears ooze from her eyes. She took off her glasses and tried to compose herself.
"I'm really sorry, Penelope. It's just... I got a job and he got a job. We're going to be fine and we want to keep our daughter. I hope you're not mad at me," Jill said.
"No, I'm not mad at you. Hey, my boss is trying to call. I need to see what he wants," Penelope lied.
"OK." Jill sounded a lot more cheerful now. "I'll see you Monday in group?"
"Yeah, I'll be there. Bye." Penelope said and hung up. She dropped the phone on the floor and sat there staring at it, crying, until Derek came in.
"What's wrong?" he asked as he knelt in front of her.
"She's keeping the baby, Derek. She's keeping her..." Penelope buried up head in her husband's chest and howled. She cried for her babies, her broken reproductive system, her husband, and the baby girl that she had already thought of as hers. She cried over everything until she had no more tears.
"Why does it hurt so much, Derek?" she whispered. "I had a feeling. That's why I didn't buy any baby things or tell anyone. I just... knew. So why does it feel like I've lost something?"
"I don't know Baby Girl. I wanted her, too."
A/N: I've only been to Chicago once, in 1989 when I was four, before the Skydeck, ferris wheel, and Millennium Park were built. When my family went there we went to a Cubs game and the beach and it was summertime. I put in the park and Skydeck in instead because of the season. The rest of Derek and Penelope's adventure was based on that trip.
My husband and I actually went to Savannah, Georgia for the holiday. It was unseasonably warm so we spent a lot of time at Tybee Island Beach. My mother-in-law lives near Macon. If you've never been to Savannah, it's quite lovely. I now have spring and winter pictures of myself on Forrest Gump's park bench. I spent way too much money at the candy store and we had our room service breakfast overlooking the river.
Most of Derek and Penelope's dialogue is some of what my husband and I said in those two weeks. We are obviously not kick-ass FBI agents. Five years of trying, real. The five chemicals and three miscarriages, real. The flu/yacking, real. The positive test, real. The bleeding on Christmas Eve Eve, real. Jill is real but that is not her real name. Everything about her is true except she and I met through mutual friends and not a support group. The phone calls were real. The crying, the devastation, real.
It took me the better part of a month to write this. I will not say this is completed because I don't believe my infertility journey finished. I am still hoping for a miracle. #Iam1in4