These are the second series of stories, each from a different crew members perspective, looking at the relationship between Captain Janeway and Tom Paris. They have been published in other places on the net as separate stories, but I believe that they work better as chapters of one overall story. However, since they were published separately, each has its own title. I really like the different titles, so I have retained them as chapter titles.

Disclaimers - Paramount owns Star Trek. What, you didn't know that? I'm just a humble fan borrowing the characters for fun. While Paramount owns the characters, the ideas are mine, so please ask permission before taking them elsewhere, and always keep my name attached.

A/N - This story is based around the words and actions of the episode 30 Days, as we venture into Janeway's thoughts. This story is slightly different than all the others as some dialog is included in this story, denoted by italics. Those with "" around them are Janeway's lines, and those with ** are from others.

Deep Thoughts on Thirty Days - What Have I Done?

By Riss

"Care to join us Mister Paris?"

He can be so enthusiastic. He really is the heart of our ship. Unlike the hardened scientist he finds wonder in the unexplored. He'll crack a joke at anything. And he's contagious. I'm actually considering taking Voyager under water. One week of refitting, just to satisfy that man's curiosity. But it's worth it to have those blue eyes smile at me.

"Bon Voyage."

He is so beautiful. As he sat in my Ready Room drinking tea, all I wanted to do was reach out and touch the man! The smile on his face lit up my heart. I can just imagine that little kid playing with sailing ships. Building sailing ship models, maybe even designing them just like he did with the Delta Flyer. The blond kid in the pictures on Admiral Paris' desk, who awed Admirals with his flying ability at age five, dreaming about joining the naval patrol. I guess that's why he's such a good pilot. He feels the currents of subspace and just rides the space lanes along with them.

He was so excited about taking the Delta Flyer down through the water. Doesn't he know that he didn't need to do more than ask for me to grant him anything? The second he suggested that we help them, I couldn't resist saying yes. How could I resist the man I love? I would do almost anything for that man...

"Would you please excuse us?"

He certainly has come a long way. Back when he came on Voyager, I had thought he was an unredeemable man. I mean, here was this convict who I had sprung from prison walking around my ship like he owned the place. Standing there on the Bridge like he expected me to give him responsibility. But then I saw the look in his eyes as he asked to join the away team looking for Harry. He actually cared, not just a show he was putting on for me. That was the moment I realized this man had a heart of gold. This man would do anything he could to make things right.

"Is that clear?"

Today, I saw that heart again. As he looked at me, begging for the chance to help them, his eyes lit up. Helping the Monaens was so important to him. I ached when I said there was nothing we could do. Sending B'Elanna out of the room and dressing Tom Paris down was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time. Three days with these people and yet he is willing to risk his life for them. If I didn't know how much he wants the respect of the crew, I think he would risk anything for them.

No, he wouldn't do that... He wouldn't risk trying to help them. Tom knows his place on this ship. He's worked to hard to earn the right to the conn and the respect of every member of this crew. Tom's hurt that I let him down, but he knows the rules more than anyone else on the ship. He knows what the Prime Directive says. Heck, he can probably recite all the Starfleet rules and regulations from memory. He'll be a hero another day. He will forgive me for saying no this one time.

*Captain, there has just been an unauthorized launch from Shuttle Bay One. The Delta Flyer.*

What! How could Tom do this? I told him we were leaving the situation alone. I don't care how blue his eyes are or what puppy-dog face he throws at me this time. I want him back on this ship now!"

"Lieutenant… you are disobeying a direct order."

He just closed the channel on me. I can't believe this. My protégé, my mentee, the man I rescued from prison, the man I gave a position on this ship has just turned his back on me!

"As far as I'm concerned he forfeited his status as a protected member of this crew the second he launched that shuttle."

Damn that man! He just made a mockery of me. I will take this out of his hide.

"Lieutenant Paris, this is your final warning."

Tom, please turn back. Don't do this. I'm sorry I got us into this whole mess. I should have just let you stay in the holodeck. I just wanted to see you in that leather jacket. I really didn't need you on the bridge. Please come back...

"Arm the torpedo"

You looked me in the eye and said you understood. You are endangering hundreds of Monaen lives. You might cause a war between our peoples. You lied to me...

"Stand down or I will open fire."

What am I doing? He will come back! He must come back. Please Tom! I'll forgive you if you come back now. I need you to come back now...

"Fire!"

I love you.

*The Flyer has been disabled*

He's safe. He's going to kill me. I'm going to kill him! What have I done? What has he done? He's insulted the uniform he wears and flaunted the laws of this ship. He made a joke of my authority as captain of this ship. How dare he...

"I hereby reduce you to the rank of Ensign."

I should throw him off the ship for what he's done. The Moneans wanted to try and sentence him on their world. I should have let them…

" And I sentence you to thirty days in solitary confinement."

I had to do it. I had no choice. He broke every rule he could. He broke the Prime Directive, attempted to incite a war, stole Starfleet property, and disobeyed a direct order. I had to strip him his lieutenant's pip. I had to put him in the brig for a full month. This is my ship! I have to maintain order! I can't let my personal feelings cloud my command.

Oh, what have I done to us...

Day 2

I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I closed my eyes I saw him in the brig. Sometimes here, sometimes on the Bradbury, which picked him up after his ill-fated stint in the Maquis. I saw him in Auckland and after Caldik Prime. How could I do this to such a wonderful person? A man who just cared too much and tried to help, despite the fact it was against the rules. A man who did what I wanted to do, what I wished I could do.

Day 7

"Tell Mister Paris this is punishment not shore leave."

He is locked in the brig and still thinks he can manipulate me into giving him what he wants. I can't believe I almost gave in to his request for holodeck privileges. However, Neelix also relayed his request for to bring Tom a simple PADD. I figure that can't hurt too much. I wish he could have so much more. I'd go see him if I thought it would help. It would only help me. I've tried to figure out a way to stop crying myself to sleep at night, but nothing works. On the bridge I look at the helm and am reminded of how I took the heart of the man I love and threw it away.

No! I did more than that. I tried to kill him! I told Tuvok to fire the missile at him. I decided his life wasn't worth saving because of some rule! I don't know what's worse, that he broke my trust, or that I broke his.

Day 10

We were in combat today. I miss him so much. But he did it to himself! He disobeyed my orders and he needs to pay! I'm actually thought about replacing him at the helm. Ensign Culhane performed so well in battle, I commented that I should consider making him Chief Conn Officer. Everyone looked at me. Oh god, what am I doing. How will we survive the next twenty days? I've destroyed Tom, and in the process I'm destroying myself.

Day 14

Almost halfway through the torture. Security reports all is normal with him, our convict. Only a few nightmares, which is pretty good considering to horrors he's been through and what I've done to him. I almost would have expected a breakdown between his claustrophobia and yet another confinement in a brig. Instead, he's dictating a letter to his father. Maybe some good can come of this. Of course he's probably realized his father isn't that bad after what I've done to him.

Day 16

I finally let Harry go see him today. From the reports of Tom waking up screaming two straight nights, I thought it was necessary. I wish I could go and hold him, tell him everything's OK. That's what I need right now. Someone to hold me as the darkness creeps into my soul. I need someone to hold me and tell me I haven't destroyed him, I haven't destroyed myself.

Day 23

One more week. I haven't slept, I can't eat. All I do is think of what I've done. We are on the voyage of the damned, with one damned fool captain at the head. I've thrown away every chance we've had. I destroyed the Caretaker's Array. I lead this ship into battle week after week. I've had to preside over far too many memorial services because of my captaining. I built a man up only to shatter him when he tries to do the right thing.

Day 30

The big day. Thirty days of solitary confinement are over. Why do I feel worse than I have this entire period? Maybe because today he is free to look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't respect me anymore. He will look me in the eye and destroy all my illusions that one day he could love me. He will look me in the eye and finally break what is left of my heart.

Oh god, what have I done? I've driven him away from me. He will never forgive me. I've stolen everything from him, except his ability to love her. I stole his job, his freedom, and the rank he has proven himself worthy of for the last four years. I've ruined any slim chance I ever had. After all, she stood by him this entire time, supporting him as I tore him down. She remained by him, I didn't! If he ever did more than respect me, that is gone. He doesn't, no can't even do that anymore, not after what I have done. I can't take this anymore. I need to forget him. I have to do something...

I need to know I'm alive. I need to know that there is a living heart that beats in my chest. I need to know that my soul isn't a burned out hulk of waste. I need to feel, even if I don't deserve to. I need to try.

I stripped him of his rank, and every member of this crew respects him for what he attempted to do. In taking away that part of him, I've become what he overcame the minute he accepted my respect. I don't even care how, who, or what I need to do to get rid of this hole filled with guilt and broken dreams within me...