Omg. Okay so the other day I was watching PS I Love You and then I was like crap. Crap, crap, crap crap CRAP this would make a great Spoby story. And I hate myself for even thinking it, but it was one of those ideas that burrow down into your mind and just wouldn't let go. It had to be written.

This WILL be sad. Duh. But I also plan on doing a lot of flashback chapters, so they won't be entirely 100% sad! There will be some happy! But a lot of that happy will make the sad all the more tragic! Anyways yeah. I hope you still read this!

I made a mistake writing this in public hahaha. I'm in the library working on my finals, and I was like eh I can't focus. I'll start writing this story. And I busted out this first chapter. And by this point I'm sure most of you know I have no impulse control when it comes to my writing. When I have a chapter done I just have to post it :).

ANYWAYS, review and let me know what you think, alright? The next chapter will be up when I get a chance to write it, but I need to update my other story first :). Anyways, happy reading!

Chapter 1

She carefully held the mascara wand up to her eye and blinked a few times, smearing the black liquid onto her lashes. It was a needless endeavor because the moment the wand touched the small hairs the black was absorbed by her tears, and it traveled down her face giving her a macabre kind of makeover.

With a makeup wipe in hand she carefully removed the black and tried again, but she was met with the same futile results. This was pointless. The tears hadn't stopped flowing since her world ended a week ago. It had been seven days. Seven days. The sun was shining. She could hear the laughter of children traveling up from the street and into her apartment window. Birds still chirped in the mornings. People woke up and began their typical morning routine. But for her that was all over. Nothing mattered anymore, and it was hard to believe that any thing would ever matter again.

She reached into her pocket and removed the well-worn picture that was folded within. Her heart ached as her eyes racked over the perfect image of his body. His tousled brown hair, his piercing blue eyes, and his perfectly sculpted body. The tears flowed even more freely. As if she could ever forget a single inch of his body. It was the other things that she was worried about. The gentle caress of his calloused hands. The way he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. The way his eyes flashed in amusement when she dissolved into a particularly manic state. The way he said her name; the way the two syllables flowed off of his tongue as though he were dehydrated and her name was the hydration that his body was so desperately seeking. The things that mattered the most were the things that she was terrified of forgetting.

Suddenly the grief was replaced by a white, hot ball of rage in the pit of her stomach. She threw her mascara across the room and used her free hand to punch the mirror. The glass burrowing into her skin was a small twinge of discomfort compared to the all-consuming pain that was overtaking her heart. He was gone. He was gone, and she was never going to see him again.

Why did it have to be- him? She couldn't even think his name. Why did he have to go? He was so good; so kind, so pure, and so gentle. He was the best of humanity, but some cruel, higher power decided to take him from the world. There were so many people who deserved to die. Criminals, rapists, and just genuinely terrible people. To- He wasn't one of them. He should have lived.

Hell, even she deserved to die more than he did. And God knows that she would have taken his place if that were an option. Every needle into his arm, every time his stomach overturned into the toilet, every time he cried because he couldn't take the pain any more- that was all infinitely worse than had she had to feel it for herself. He didn't deserve it. He deserved to live a long, healthy life. He didn't deserve to die.

Between her tears she stumbled across the room and wrenched open the closet. She shifted through the hangers until she found what she was looking for. She quickly shed her black dress and undergarments and buttoned up his light blue dress shirt that she had pulled from the hanger. She couldn't be with him. She couldn't relax into his embrace like she had so many times. This was as close as she could get. Her skin could be flush against something that had once touched his skin.

She lifted the collar up over her nose and breathed in deeply. She could still smell his scent. It was like nothing that she had ever smelled before. There was his cologne. Some woodsy scent that he enjoyed. But there was more to it; saw dust, his shampoo, baby powder, and something that she could never quite grasp. If she closed her eyes should could imagine that it was like any other night. She stole her shirt like she always did after a round of love making. He thought it was because she was cold, but really she just hated to see him cover up his body. Maybe he was in the bathroom, and she was laying on the bed waiting for-

No. She shook her head and snapped her eyes open. No, she had to stop that, because if she let herself believe that he was still here it would hurt all the more when she had to remind herself that he was gone.

She closed her eyes again with a heavy heart and remembered the last time that she saw him wear that shirt.

"Toby, I've been ready for an hour! What's taking you so long? You showered already. What else could you possibly have to do?"

He walked out of the bathroom in a long sleeve, button up, blue, dress shirt that was unbuttoned. It revealed his toned chest, and she was momentarily distracted from the fact that they were running late and that he wasn't wearing any pants. "I'm nervous."

He totally wasn't trying to look adorable, which made his lost puppy look all that much cuter. "What are you nervous about?"

"I- I don't know. I just want your parents to like me."

As always, whenever he felt insecure due to her parents' disapproval her eyes flashed with poorly concealed rage. Why could they not see what she saw when she looked at Toby? She couldn't have ended up with anyone better than him. "We don't have to go if you don't want too." But even as she said it she could hear the reluctance in her voice. As annoyed as she was with her parents she really did love them. And she hardly ever got to see them due to their blatant dislike of her husband of two years. Because if she had to choose between them she would choose Toby every single time for a million different reasons; not the least of which was the fact that he was the one who didn't ask her to choose.

"No. No, I don't want you to have to choose between me and them, Spence." He said sincerely, reminding her just why she was so incredibly lucky to have found him.

"You know that I don't care what they have to say, sweetheart. You're always my first choice." She scrambled up off of the bed and leaned on her tip toes to press a careful kiss to his pouting lips. She could feel that they were chapping slightly and made a mental note to get him some chapstick.

He nodded and kissed her again one last time before walking back into the bathroom. She sighed and went back to sit on the bed and wait for him to finish getting ready. She wished he wouldn't be so nervous. Her family was never going to be thrilled with their relationship. Toby was perfectly fine just being a carpenter, but they wanted her to be with a lawyer or a doctor. But that wasn't what she wanted. All she wanted was Toby.

"Spence-" Toby began quietly as he walked back into the bedroom, but before he could finish he tripped up over the hems of the pants that he was just pulled on. He fell hard to the ground, his limbs were sprawled out, and his boxer covered butt was up high in the air. "Oh my God," she laughed and jumped up off of the bed. "Toby are- are you alright," she asked him between her laughter.

He stuck his bottom lip out in a pout and untangled himself. She got on her knees and put a hand on his shoulder, but before she could check him over for injuries he wrapped both arms around her waist and pulled her to the floor. He hovered over her for a moment, just looking at her. If she wasn't one hundred percent certain that Toby Cavanaugh loved her she would be right now. Her heart ached with love for him. In that moment she couldn't ever imagine loving anyone or anything as much as she loved him. He brushed a hand over her cheek and peered into her eyes like she was the only person in the world; like she was all that mattered to him. He dropped a kiss to her lips, and pulled away, hovering slightly above her. His lips were almost on her own. They tugged into a soft smile. "Spencer, I love you so much. More than anything," he whispered.

"I love you too."

Spencer was torn from her memories by a loud rapping on the door. If whoever was on the other end of the door thought that she was getting up they were in for a sore sense of disappointment. But she needn't have worried. The sound of a key in the lock was the next noise that reached her ears.

In the past she would have tried to wipe away the tears or made herself presentable, but she literally had no desire to do anything. She didn't want to move, she didn't want to open her eyes. God, she didn't even want to breath. If she could spend the rest of her life wrapped up in Toby's shirt alone on the bed she would do it. But she strongly suspected that it was her friends on the other end of the door, and they weren't going to let her do that.

"Spencer?"

She cringed at the sound of Hanna's voice. Had it been anyone else she might have been able to ignore them, but Hanna wouldn't let her stay curled up in bed. But she didn't answer. She wasn't going to talk to them. She wasn't going to even acknowledge them.

"Spencer, come on. We're going to be late." The bed shifted as Hanna sat down next to her. Her hand gently cupped her shoulder, but she flinched away from the contact. She had literally no intention of letting anyone touch her. She didn't want to be comforted. She didn't want placated words. She just wanted Toby.

And with a flash of horror she realized that she said his name. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and a quiet sob ripped through her throat. This was pain like she never felt before. How was she ever going to survive this?

Hanna wrapped her arms around Spencer and hauled her upward. She kept her in her arms and tucked her face into her neck. "Spencer what did you do to your hand?" Hanna's cool fingers carefully pried Spencer's out of her tight fist. "You need to let me clean this up."

Spencer shook her and tried to stifle her sobs, but it wasn't working. She couldn't be comforted, because there was no way to make this better. Nothing Hanna could do or say would ever bring Toby back.

Hanna stayed patient and just gently rubbed her hand up and down Spencer's spine, doing the best she could to calm her down. "Spence, you know that Toby wouldn't want this. You know he wouldn't."

"I know-" she choked out between her sobs. She pushed up off of Hanna and retrieved her dress from its discarded place on the ground. There was no more avoiding it. It was time to go say goodbye to the love of her life.