Chapter 1
Christian gripped the glass tumbler with both hands, trying desperately to still the trembling in his hands. He stared deep into the amber liquid, watching the ice cubes melt, refusing to think, refusing to remember. Finally, he lifted it up to his lips and took a long sip. He grimaced at the taste of the cheap scotch, shook his head and sipped again before setting the glass down on the table in front of him.
He was in a bar, the name of which he didn't know. Hell, he didn't even know the address. Taylor would be pissed but Christian knew he would find him, even if he didn't want to be found. It was Friday and nothing had gone right all day. A 500 million dollar deal he had been working on for 18 months fell through because he was single and his C.O.O. Ros was a woman as well as being gay. Unfortunately for Christian, the scene earlier in the evening with Leila and Elena had proven far more devastating. He'd been in the security office talking to Taylor when he had seen them on the security camera and chosen to turn up the volume on the elevator feed, not realizing that simple action would prove disasterous.
Elena was giving Leila strict orders to flagrently disobey Christian, and beg for punishment . Leila tried to explain, Grey was no longer turned on by BDSM. If anything, he seemed bored. Elena was unfazed, she was certain she could convince Grey to take Leila in the playroom one last time. There Leila would replace Christian's flogger with the one Elena provided. The first blow would shred her skin and induce bleeding, superficial, but impressive, never the less. When Leila started to complain, Elena reminded her of just how much money she was about to make. What was a little blood? If Christian closed his eyes, imagining his mother in Leila's place, the way he usually did, when he opened them, Leila would be a bloody mess and Christian would be a basket case.
Christian couldn't look at Taylor, but he managed to bite out, "Get rid of them or I swear to God I'll kill them both with my bare hands."
Of course, Elena refused to listen to Taylor. She tried her lies on him, but he was deaf to all her pleas.
For the first time in his life, Christian realized he was only a means to an end for Elena. He was her cash cow. Everything about her, every action, every motion, every word that fell from her fake botox lips were all lies, all designed to benefit her and only her. Christian couldn't understand why her insincerity was suddenly so apparent to him. How could he have been blind to her manipulations for so many years? Because she was a pedophile? Or because he was her victim. He may have played a dominant in the playroom but there was no doubt he was still Elena's sub. It suddenly all made sense. It hurt, it made his gut burn, it made him question everything he knew about Christian Grey.
Eventually, he just couldn't think about it any more. He threw on some sweats and his running shoes and silently slipped out of the house and took off running. Not jogging. Running. Running from his past and his fucked up self. His self incriminating thoughts battered his conscious as the consequences of keeping his head in the sand became increasingly apparent.
Flynn had been right. He was a victim of a pedophile. Everything that he thought he knew was wrong or tainted. He couldn't undo what happened. He couldn't change the past. It was what it was. He would have to live with it. Tears ran down his face as the shame inside himself grew. How would he ever be able to look anybody in the eye again. He was a monster. He had no morals. His best and only friend was a pedophile that had used and abused him and taught him how to use and abuse young women simply because they had long brown hair. He was a sick fuck.
Finally, nearing exhaustion, he stumbled into a small, neighborhood bar. He found a booth in the back and sat down. There were two men drinking at the bar, both over forty. Three barstools separated them. They were each drinking beer and looked like they had been there quite a while. Somewhere a radio played elevator music. Christian took a deep breath and pulled out his wallet. He didnt carry cash as a rule, but there was always an emergency hundred dollar bill tucked inside his wallet. He pulled it out, his hands trembling ever so slightly. He approached the bar and ordered a double scotch on the rocks with a bottle of beer and slid the bill across the bar. The bartender hesitating, not wanting to change such a big bill. Christian suggested he buy the bar a drink, including the bartender. The asshole smiled and did just that. Carefully pocketing the change, he made his way back to the booth.
There he sat, all alone in his booth, in the back of the bar, trying to understand how he had ever trusted her, throwing down drink after drink, trying to numb the pain in his chest. He had always considered her his one true friend. He had never bought into the pedophile accusations and now he was forced to wonder about the ramifications if she was a pedophile. The unasked question that begged to be answered; did other children suffer at Elena's hands because he had been stupid enough to believe her lies? The door to the bar opened and Grey looked up. Taylor looked at him briefly and then took a seat at the end of the bar facing the door.
Christian was loath to admit it, but he was relieved to see Taylor. Somehow, Taylor would fix everything. He always did. Christian was tired of having no one to trust, but he always had Taylor. His cpo was a man of few words. He seemed to accept Christian the way he was, without judging him. He handled everything Christian threw at him and that was plenty. Christian was grateful for that and for his loyalty, and dedication. He wondered what Taylor's opinion of Elena was. He had a sinking feeling it was a lot more accurate then the illusion Grey had held on to for so many years. The door to the bar opened again and this time a young woman entered alone. Fuck. The last thing he needed was some young bitch flirting with him. He got up and went to the restroom. When he returned to the booth, he saw the girl sitting alone two booths up from him. He sat down on the opposite side of his booth so that he faced the back. There would be no interaction with the girl if he could help it.
The hours ticked by. Taylor had stopped by twice asking if he was ready to return home. All that had done was inexplicably anger Grey. It was about one in the morning when one of the men at the bar walked over and approached the girl in the booth. He looked rough and ready for a brawl. The girl had kept to herself all night. She hadn't bothered anybody. She had talked to no one except the bartender, and even that was short and simple Thè bartender called out, "Hank! Leave her alone!" But Hank had other ideas.
"Slide over, baby."
"Excuse me?" The girl spoke up, her tone indignant but heavily slurred. Christian heard the slur and felt angry she had endangered herself like this.
"Don't play hard to get, baby. Feel this." Hank said grabbing her hand and bringing it to his crotch. "I got just what your pussy needs."
It was all Christian needed to hear. He was out of the booth and hammering the idiot before Taylor could get there. Hank got one good shot in before landing on his ass. Grey stood unsteady and wiped the blood from his mouth. The girl was horrified. As Taylor escorted Hank outside, the bartender provided ice and a clean towel for Christian's cut lip.
The girl helped him to a seat in her booth where she began to hold the ice to his mouth hoping for the bleeding to stop. She was crying and just kept apologizing over and over again.
Christian smiled at her. She seemed quite horrified that he had been hurt protecting her. He felt quite proud. She had beautiful blue eyes. They were mesmerizing.
"No one has ever saved me before like that, ever. Thank you, I mean it. You are like a white knight in shining armor, performing chivalrous deeds." She tried to smile but broke down crying.
Without asking or wondering why, Christian put his arm around the petite brunette and pulled her close, letting her sob into his chest. It took a few minutes for him to realize what he had just allowed and for the shock of it to set in. He never let anyone touch his chest. Never, because if they did, the pain was unbearable. So, how was it that he was holding her close, right smack against his chest and he was feeling nothing but content. He felt eyes on him and glanced up. Taylor was standing up watching, seemingly undecided if his assistance was required. His puzzled expression said it all. Then Taylor sat back down and looked away. Christian relaxed.
"It's okay," he whispered in her ear. "You're safe. I won't let anyone hurt you."
She nodded as she tried to get her emotions back under control. Finally, she let out a long shuddering breath. "I-I-I am sorry. I had a really shitty day. I just wanted to forget everything, but as usual, I've screwed up again. What's your excuse?"
"Like you, a really shitty day."
She giggled, and Christian shoved his nose into her long tresses and inhaled the sweetest scent. Feminine, musky but with traces of citrus and vanilla. He inhaled again. Was that almond?
She giggled again. "You like my shampoo?"
Christian grinned, unabashedly. "I do," he admitted.
"Who is the buzz cut?" she asked nodding her head at Taylor.
"He works for me. Ignore him, I do."
She giggled again, then asked, "Is he your body guard?"
Christian hesitated for a second and then came clean with a simple "Yes. Does that bother you?"
"No. Why? Should it?"
"I don't know. I get tired of it, the lifestyle. No privacy, cameras everywhere, having to watch every word I say, every gesture. Do you know who I am?"
She giggled again and shook her head no.
""Can we keep it that way, just for now? "
"Sure," she smiled then continued, " but it works both ways. I don't want to give my name either."
"Why? Are you famous?"
"Hardly. It just levels the playing field. I don't socialize much and most guys really put me off, but you're different. I want to get to know you. I feel like time is running out, like the clock is ticking."
"It just ticked 1:33. Are you hungry?"
"No, sorry, I'm on a liquid diet," She replied then burst out laughing.
"I could send Taylor for food."
"No. I dont want to eat."
"You have to eat, baby."
"How can I when everything is ruined! I am sorry. Dont mind me, I talk too much."
"What's wrong? Let me help you."
"Everything. Too much to talk about, but believe me, everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong." She picked up the bottle of beer and chugged down half the bottle.
"I can fix almost anything, won't you let me help?" Christian pleaded.
She stared into his grey eyes without saying a she looked away, avoiding his eyes altogether. "There is one thing, one thing I think you might be able to help me with." She paused and looked around to make sure no one was near and could hear her, then she whispered, "I am a virgin and I don't want to be."
A drunken Christian pulled his head back and stared at her with a different perspective. After considering her statement for a minute, he shook his head no. "You are too old to be a virgin and you are not ugly enough." he announced wisely.
"I'm 22 and I'm ugly. You are just too drunk to tell."
"Even drunk, I can tell you are not ugly. You should wait. Find somebody decent and kind. Not like me. I'm the last guy you would ever want to do it with, I have never been with a virgin and all I know is BDSM."
"Like cuff 'em and fuck 'em?"
"Yeah." he said, surprise evident in his voice.
She looked at him with her head tilted to one side, then nodded, making her decision. "Ok."
"Ok what? What do you mean, ok?"
"You can cuff me and fuck me. Hell, you can even blindfold me. I don't want to be whipped, though. Is that okay? Please? I mean it. Please, I don't want to die a virgin."
"Die a virgin? That is ridiculous. You have your whole future ahead of you. You are young, your life hasn't even started."
"My life is ending. I have nothing to look forward to but being homeless. I'm tired. Very tired. I can't wait any more. I might die a virgin. I can't wait,"
"You are not going to die."
"I might."
"You are not going to die!" Christian said firmly.
There was silence for a moment and then in a husky whisper, with her face buried in his chest, she said, "But what if I want to?"
Christian felt the blood drain from his face. The room spun for a minute. "Baby, you don't mean that!"
"It's alright, forget I said anything. "
"I can't forget! I can help you. Please let me help you. You are not really thinking of suicide, are you?"
"Sometimes. That's why I came out tonight. Sometimes life is just too overwhelming. I can't deal with it. I need to cash in my v card. It's not doing anything for me. I am a woman. I need to know if I can respond to a man, if I can satisfy a man because if I can't even do that, then, really, what's the point? I thought I was so smart with my 4.0 GPA, but I wasn't. I trusted my roomate and she screwed me."
"What did she do?"
"She filed a police report accusing me of stealing some of her jewelry and she told the police I do drugs and deal on campus. I HATE drugs! I would never do them. I have never even smoked pot. This is my first time getting drunk. Everyone always says have a drink, you will feel better. I say bull shit, I just feel more depressed. Today I was fired from my job because of the police investigation. Then, when I got home, there was a letter from the University Finance Dept, my grant has been revoked, as I am in violation of the morals clause. They said I do not possess the moral character that is required of their grant recipients due to the drug investigation. If I can't come up with $15,000.00 in 5 days, I will automatically be withdrawn from my classes and not graduate."
"What? That is fucking outrageous! Let me speak to those fuckers, you watch how quick they change their minds!"
Christian thumbed the tears spilling down her cheeks, still blustering about incompetent assholes. She giggled. He smiled. In a corner of the bar, Taylor snapped their picture with his phone.
The girl sagged back against Christian's chest. "I am so tired." she whispered. "Help me, please! All I want is to find out if I can be a woman. A real woman. I know I'm not a touchy feely type of person and I'm afraid I might not be any good in bed. I feel so dead inside."
"Honey, how could you ever think that? I have been with a lot of women but I never felt the way I do with you. You make me feel like you actually care. You listen to me. You don't know who I am and you don't care."
"Does that mean you will do it? Just one time together? I swear I won't ever try to find you. Please?"
Christian looked into those beautiful blue eyes, still filled with tears and knew he could never tell her no. He made up his mind and nodded his head yes. "But not tonight. I've drunk too much and I'm wrecked. Your first time has to be special. I don't want it to be like mine."
"You hurt. I know. I see it in your eyes and I can feel it. What happened?"
So Christian told her how he lost his virginity. He told her about his six long years as Elena's submissive and how he became a dominant. Then he told her what happened in the elevator and how suddenly he was able to see through her lies.
She cried and then she peppered his face with sweet little kisses. It felt so good. Then they just held each other and cried together.
"Come home with me?" he asked hopefully.
"How about you come home with me?" she asked. She looked at Taylor and Christian understood.
She started to cry again. "I'll never see you again, will I?" She looked over at Taylor. " He will never let me near you. I know it."
"Don't be silly. I'm the boss, not him."
"If we could get rid of him, you could come to my place."
"Get rid of him?"
"You know like send him for pizza?"
"That's a great !" his voice boomed across the empty bar.
Taylor immediately approached the booth.
"Can you get us some pizza?"
Taylor looked at his boss patiently and asked, "Could you repeat that sir, a little slower?"
"Pizza! Go get Pizza!"
Taylor looked at his watch and then his boss. "Sir, it's almost 3:30 in the morning. I'm afraid nothing is open."
"That never stopped you before, Taylor. I want a large pizza and I want it now. We are going to eat here. Go get it."
Taylor stared hard at Grey before finally letting out a sarcastic "Sir," and turning on his heel and walking stiffly away.
"He's pissed now." Christian said.
" Yeah, he looks like he might spit on the pizza, babe."
"Well, we won't be here when he comes back. As soon as he takes off in the SUV, we are out of here. Where do you want to go? I can get a nice suite at the Fairmont?"
"If you don't mind, I'd really like to just take you home with me. It nothing fancy like you're used to, but it's clean and it's mine. It's small, only a studio, but how much room do we need, right? I have a double bed. Going to a hotel I would really feel like a hooker."
"Well, we can't have that, can we? OK, there goes Taylor in the SUV. Let's move. I need to speak to the bartender, come on."
At the bar, Grey turned over his phone and his ruby pinky ring his grandfather gave him to the bartender with instructions to give them to Taylor when he returned and to tell him not to worry." Then with carefree smiles and a happy wave, the drunk couple staggered out the door.