Just a small thing which popped into my head whilst reading the views for Episode 9 of series 4.
Time: Straight after Episode 4.9.
Summory: And he did it. He killed her. My baby...my best mate. Gone...
Gone. All gone.
She's gone. My darling, my baby girl. Gone. My fault. It's all my fault. She tried to talk to me, tried to tell me something important, and I ignored her. I was to busy concentrating on that stupid inspector. I should have listened, should have realised sooner.
I can't get the pictures out of my head. Maxine, standing in the door of my classroom. Maxine, tears poaring down her face. Maxine, lying on the floor with a growing red spot on her stomach. Maxine, saying "I'm sorry".
She forgave me. How could she do that? I can't forgive myself. Looking back, I see so many things I could have done differently, so many times I could have held her to me, and told her it was ok. If I could turn back time, I would. But I can't. And that's what's hardest of all.
Rachel Mason. I had to call someone, anyone. I had to get Janeece out of there, but how could I? I couldn't move myself. Not with Maxine there, still, in front of me. I don't know why I called her. I should have called Matt. If I'd been thinking clearly I would have done. But I called her first, and him after. The wonderful Ms Mason, or whatever her name is. Next to me, it's her fault. She took him into her school, she gave him a chance. A chance he didn't deserve. Even his own family called him scum. And now he took her from me. Earl Kelly stole my beautiful Maxine from me.
Well, to hell with it. To hell with the lot of them. I can't go back there. I can't go home. Not back to where she... I'm here, with Janeece, in Matt's flat. She couldn't go home either. We're clinging to each other, both playing her last words over and over in our heads. Matt comes and puts an arm around both of us, holding us close. He doesn't speak. Neither do we. At any other time, I would have laughed. Two teachers and a pupil huddled on a small sofa. No tv, no music. Silence. Any other time.
Janeece's parents turned up not long ago, and left soon after. Matt spoke to them, quietly, not wanting to disturb us. She wants to stay here, to be with someone who understands. Someone who saw what she saw. Someone like me.
I'm not sure what to do now. I feel empty, like my tears have washed everything else away. Numb. I want to give up, to let go. I want to scream, shout, yell. I want to smash something, I want to smash me. I'm breaking up. She kept me tied to the earth, and now she's gone, I'm floating free.
But no. I must hold on. I have to. For Janeece. I look at Matt, who has his eyes close, face crinkled in pain. He's being strong though. Strong for both of us. I have to be strong for him too. If I fall, so will everyone else. I can't allow myself to lose control. I won't.
Maxine forgave me. Now I just have to learn how to forgive myself.