Disclaimer: The boys… they belong to people far away. Good thing they
aren't here to smack me around.
Comments: I wrote this while feeling petulant and angsty. It's a fic that I'm not sure should really exist, but since I wrote the later chapters of my long AyaXKen fic I started having this niggling feeling that Omi's jealousy and resentment of Aya went kinda beyond Ken being his best friend. It's all those confusing emotions that get drug up when someone you care about cares about someone else. (Having an obsessive personality I have had way too much first hand experience with this… glad I finally got that cleared up.) Anyway now that you know way more about me than you ever wanted too…. This is one way I saw this little confrontation occurring. Mind you, this little scene will probably never be mentioned in any of my other fics… ever again. It just makes Ken into such a jerk. Please R&R… it makes me happy. And happy is something it would be nice to be right about now…. **throws self a pity-party**
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"Ken, stop! You're totally drunk," I gasp as he follows me into my room, tugging on my belt loops. "You don't know what you're doing," I snap pushing him away.
He looks at me with a wicked grin on his face and drops his coat on the floor. He advances on me. Shit! I back away. This is wrong.
"Oh, I know what I'm doing, Omittchi. I've done this before," he drawls and then suddenly lunges at me, grabbing my arm, pulling me against him. He runs one hand behind my back, up my shirt. His hand is cold. I fight against him, but God is he ever strong. I'm no match. He's hand-to-hand, after all. I'm long range. He ducks his head and bites my neck, sucking hard. It feels like fire is flowing from his mouth, it feels so… different from anything I've felt before. I grunt and try to push away.
"Ken, get off!" I cry.
He chuckles harshly against my neck and then pushes me back. I stumble across the room and try to pull myself together. Ken is looking at me with the most dangerous glint in his eye. He runs his hand over his own body, lifting his shirt slightly, exposing his skin. I'm shaking. This is out of hand. He starts towards me again, kicking off his shoes and loosening his belt. Oh god.
"Don't you want some, Omi-kun? Cause I know I want some. It only hurts for a second…." He comes closer.
"Ken, stop it! Get out of my room, you are drunk!" I cry, backing away. I try to make my voice forceful, but it quivers to spite me. I'm not quite sure why I'm fighting this so much. If Ken actually does go away I know I'll just lie on my bed thinking about him, touching myself, getting myself off by thinking of what might have happened. I'm fighting it, because I know this isn't right. Ken isn't in his right mind… he can't do this with me… he belongs to Aya.
"So what if I am?" he asks softly. "It's my birthday, I deserve to be drunk. I deserve to have whatever I want today. And just right now… I want you, Omittchi."
"I'm not yours to have," I hiss. "What about Aya-kun?!"
He sways slightly and narrows his eyes. "What about him? He's not even here. He's in fucking Tokyo visiting his priceless imouto," he spits. "So why should I care about him? Serves him right. If he can't be here on my twenty-first fucking birthday…." He trails off, looking down at the carpet. I think he might actually realize what he's doing. Then his eyes snap back up, "Then I'll take what I can get, Omittchi."
He lunges at me, shoving me back. My legs hit the back of the bed and I buckle falling hard. Ken is immediately on top of me, growling in the most predatory manner I've ever imagined. He pulls me farther up onto the bed, his hands running up under my shirt. Shit! I'm Ken's self-pity fuck! He's going to rape me to get back at Aya for not being here. This is so messed up! This is not what I want. I admit that I've been curious ever since I found out about Ken and Aya…. I've had my share of thoughts about both of them, especially Ken. In a way I resent Aya. Ken was my best friend. God only knows what might have been if Aya hadn't taken him away. I've even fantasized about Ken coming to me, seeking comfort, finding it in my arms, my body. But this isn't right. I don't want Ken to –use- me! I can't let him use me to get back at Aya! But….
I try to shove him away again, but his hands are so strong. They clutch at my clothes, ripping my shirt. "Argh!" I cry. "Ken, this isn't funny!" My voice is on the verge of hysterics.
"No, it isn't. Come on, Omi, why can't you just enjoy it? I know you've wanted this…." He says slyly.
"Ken…."
He pins my hands back against the bed and kisses me. No, he rapes my mouth. His lips on mine, pressing firmly, his tongue, so unexpected, forcing me to open, sucking. He plunges his tongue into my mouth, playing with me, demanding that I respond to him. I do. Oh God, suddenly I want this so badly. I fight back, moaning and pushing back against him. He chuckles into my mouth. He tastes like alcohol and sugar. When the kiss ends I jerk my head away, panting.
"Ken… you can't do this," I say weakly. I toss my head and try to push him off, but his hold on my wrists is too strong.
"Oh, but I can. And you want me to. I would never had guessed that you tasted so good, Omittchi," he hisses. He starts nibbling on my neck, kissing, licking, biting. I groan and thrash beneath him. "You like that, hm?"
"No! You have to stop!" I cry again.
He lets go of my wrists and forces my shirt up, racing his fingers over my pale skin. He teases me mercilessly. My arms snap up and clutch him around the neck. I moan and shift restlessly. "You don't want me to stop," he says.
I shake my head, tears forming in my eyes. He's right. I don't want him to stop. I lift against him. Just take me, Ken. If you want me, this one night, or any night, you know I'm yours. He sits back and pulls me up by one of my arms and rips my shirt the rest of the way off. He pulls me up farther, forcing me into his lap, straddling his hips. He pulls my face down to his roughly and we kiss again. It makes my head spin, his hands are everywhere, and I feel my own start to roam over his body. He growls.
I tremble against him. Now what do I do? If I participate in this then…. Then I don't have any excuses. I won't have any excuses in the morning or ever. But if I just let Ken take me… if he stays in control it will be alright. He's drunk after all. That's my excuse. But I can't just sit here, my legs wrapped around him and not want him, not want to touch him and kiss him and feel the fire of his body against mine. He runs his hands up my spine, massaging my tight muscles as he does so, squeezing here and there.
He has done this before.
He takes my face in his hands suddenly, pulling my lips down onto his. I open my mouth immediately and he runs his tongue over my lips, my teeth, investigating the far corners. He plays with me. I let him. Then he pushes me back roughly. I fall back onto the bed, my head nearly hitting the headboard. He puts his hand on my chest and pushes my down, pinning me. He unwraps my legs from around his middle and forces them apart, kneeling between them, leering at me.
This isn't what I wanted….
I feel the tears in my eyes again. I feel them roll down my cheeks, hot and unbidden. He smiles slyly and leans over me. Kissing first one cheek and then the other, kissing away my tears. The fuck, I know he doesn't mean it. "Why the tears, Omi-chan? Are you afraid of me? Or just ashamed? Either way you needn't be. I was ashamed and afraid the first time too… but in the end it's worth it, sweet one, oh it's worth it."
The edge on his voice is so dangerous. I know he's thinking about Aya. He's going to make me pay for Aya's negligence. He's counting on it. He bends his head and softly kisses my neck, starting a trail up and down. When I sigh softly he bites me, nipping my neck, my shoulder, my collarbone, my ear. He bites my shoulder so hard that I cry out in pain. He only chuckles and then kisses the bruise he's caused. I can't help myself, I run my hands through his soft hair. I've wanted to do so for a long time… but….
I touch his face gently as he tries to hurt me. I caress him like I've wanted to. For a moment he seems to slow. He lifts his head and stares hard into my eyes. They flicker and then soften. "Ken… can't you just… be gentle with me? I won't stop you, but… please…." I whisper.
He looks at me sadly and leans up to return my touch. "If I'm gentle now, Omi, then that's how I'll really hurt you in the end. You don't want that… I promise. If I hurt you now, if I'm brutal then later you will only resent me. I can deal with your resentment, even your hatred. But I could never deal with your pain…. Not that kind of pain, not the pain of a broken promise I never meant to make."
I sob. He's telling me he doesn't love me. That he can never love me because he's not free to do so. He doesn't want to lead me on, he just wants to fuck me. He wants to use me… and let me know that that's all he wants. He knows how I feel….
I shake my head. "Then do what you want," I choke. "You know I'm yours."
Eat me, beat me…. Whatever you want.
He grins again. Slapping me just enough to leave a little sting. "That's the way."
He tugs at my pants and unbuttons them, ripping the zipper down. He pulls them partway down over my hips until the bulge in my shorts is exposed and he reaches inside my boxers, taking me in his hand. As his cool fingers close around me I cry out, arching my back. He squeezes brutally and manhandles me. I start to cry again. I don't know why. I just wish….
He runs his hand up and down in a quick, rough manner and then starts to play with my balls. I gasp and twist, panting. He snickers wickedly and licks his lips. Shit! This is blowing my mind.
He leans over me and grins into my face. I can feel the warmth of his breath and smell the liquor on it. He is about to kiss me again when….
"Ken?! Where are you?" The voice breaks through the world Ken has created around me like a knife that stabs my heart. It's –his- voice.
Ken tenses. His breathing stops and his eyes become wide. I squeeze my eyes shut and will him to stay. I feel his hand relax around me and it starts to pull away. No! I reach up to touch his arms, to hold him there with me. We can hear the sound of footsteps in the hallway. They are soft and purposeful. They walk past my door and pause a little farther on. The sound of a door being knocked on. Another pause.
"Aité? Where are you, Kenken?" Aya's voice hangs in the dark void around us. "Hn. Maybe I missed him coming in…." Aya's footfalls pass my door once more and descend the stairs. Ken starts to shake above me.
"Oh fuck," he whispers. He pulls away from me and sits up on my bed, trembling. I go after him, putting my hands on his arm. Tugging gently.
"Ken…?" I say desperately. I'm not fulfilled. This isn't fair; he started this!
He looks over at me with wide, scared eyes. It's like he's seeing me for the first time. "Oh my God, Omi, I'm so sorry…." He reaches up to caress my face, but in a concerned manner. He starts to cry. "I'm so sorry, oh fuck, can you ever forgive me?" he whispers.
I look back at him. I let go of his arm. The spell is broken. I've lost him for good. "Just go," I hiss. I push him away from me and scoot back, pulling my pants up over my hips again. He reaches after me, grabbing my arm. He pulls me back, embracing me.
"Omi, please, I'm begging you! I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. Tell me you can forgive me for what I've done! I know I don't deserve it, but I truly am sorry. I… I don't want to use you…."
You already did. I shove him away again, and sit up defiantly. "I'm not really the one you should be begging forgiveness of, am I? Look, just forget it. You're drunk and I'm easy, so just go. Go to him. He came home for you on your birthday after all."
He stands up slowly and looks back at me. I can tell he's confused. Ken isn't a very smart drunk. "I want us to be ok… are we ok, Omittchi?" he asks quietly.
"Sure," I grate, "friends fool around all the time, right?"
He stares for a moment and then starts to walk away. "Please forgive me." He pushes my door open and walks out of my messed up sex life. I curl up on my bed and begin to cry silently. I've never felt so dirty, so used, or so hurt in my whole life… well, not counting the time I was kidnapped and molested at the age of five… or the last time I was tortured by my own brother… or killed my sister. Ok so I've felt worse, but not much.
Ken meets Aya in the hallway. I can hear them talking through my sobs.
"Where were you, I was just up here." It's Aya and he sounds strangely happy.
There is a pause. "I was in Omi's room."
"Omi's room? Why didn't you answer me when I called then?"
"We were talking… he's… not feeling so hot. And I'm really drunk."
Aya chuckles. "Are you happy to see me? I wanted to surprise you. Sorry I wasn't here earlier."
"You surprised me alright…."
"Is that a good thing? You look a little… I don't know… not happy to see me."
I know that at this point Ken will throw himself into Aya's arms in submissive placation and kiss his neck. I rail at myself for being such a fool.
"I AM happy to see you. How could I not be? But like I said I'm pretty drunk and pretty tired…."
"Well, I've got something special for you. Come, let me show you," he says in a seductive voice. I can imagine the play of his hands along Ken's body.
"Mmm."
I hear them move away down the hall and when I hear a door open and shut I start to sob all over again. I cry petulantly into my pillow. I'm not really mad a Ken anymore. I'm mad at myself. Mad for wanting him that way. Mad for thinking I could have him if only once. The whole thing wasn't fair. I can only hope that in the morning he won't remember. I'm not too worried about me. After all, I'm an old hat at blocking things out.
Comments: I wrote this while feeling petulant and angsty. It's a fic that I'm not sure should really exist, but since I wrote the later chapters of my long AyaXKen fic I started having this niggling feeling that Omi's jealousy and resentment of Aya went kinda beyond Ken being his best friend. It's all those confusing emotions that get drug up when someone you care about cares about someone else. (Having an obsessive personality I have had way too much first hand experience with this… glad I finally got that cleared up.) Anyway now that you know way more about me than you ever wanted too…. This is one way I saw this little confrontation occurring. Mind you, this little scene will probably never be mentioned in any of my other fics… ever again. It just makes Ken into such a jerk. Please R&R… it makes me happy. And happy is something it would be nice to be right about now…. **throws self a pity-party**
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"Ken, stop! You're totally drunk," I gasp as he follows me into my room, tugging on my belt loops. "You don't know what you're doing," I snap pushing him away.
He looks at me with a wicked grin on his face and drops his coat on the floor. He advances on me. Shit! I back away. This is wrong.
"Oh, I know what I'm doing, Omittchi. I've done this before," he drawls and then suddenly lunges at me, grabbing my arm, pulling me against him. He runs one hand behind my back, up my shirt. His hand is cold. I fight against him, but God is he ever strong. I'm no match. He's hand-to-hand, after all. I'm long range. He ducks his head and bites my neck, sucking hard. It feels like fire is flowing from his mouth, it feels so… different from anything I've felt before. I grunt and try to push away.
"Ken, get off!" I cry.
He chuckles harshly against my neck and then pushes me back. I stumble across the room and try to pull myself together. Ken is looking at me with the most dangerous glint in his eye. He runs his hand over his own body, lifting his shirt slightly, exposing his skin. I'm shaking. This is out of hand. He starts towards me again, kicking off his shoes and loosening his belt. Oh god.
"Don't you want some, Omi-kun? Cause I know I want some. It only hurts for a second…." He comes closer.
"Ken, stop it! Get out of my room, you are drunk!" I cry, backing away. I try to make my voice forceful, but it quivers to spite me. I'm not quite sure why I'm fighting this so much. If Ken actually does go away I know I'll just lie on my bed thinking about him, touching myself, getting myself off by thinking of what might have happened. I'm fighting it, because I know this isn't right. Ken isn't in his right mind… he can't do this with me… he belongs to Aya.
"So what if I am?" he asks softly. "It's my birthday, I deserve to be drunk. I deserve to have whatever I want today. And just right now… I want you, Omittchi."
"I'm not yours to have," I hiss. "What about Aya-kun?!"
He sways slightly and narrows his eyes. "What about him? He's not even here. He's in fucking Tokyo visiting his priceless imouto," he spits. "So why should I care about him? Serves him right. If he can't be here on my twenty-first fucking birthday…." He trails off, looking down at the carpet. I think he might actually realize what he's doing. Then his eyes snap back up, "Then I'll take what I can get, Omittchi."
He lunges at me, shoving me back. My legs hit the back of the bed and I buckle falling hard. Ken is immediately on top of me, growling in the most predatory manner I've ever imagined. He pulls me farther up onto the bed, his hands running up under my shirt. Shit! I'm Ken's self-pity fuck! He's going to rape me to get back at Aya for not being here. This is so messed up! This is not what I want. I admit that I've been curious ever since I found out about Ken and Aya…. I've had my share of thoughts about both of them, especially Ken. In a way I resent Aya. Ken was my best friend. God only knows what might have been if Aya hadn't taken him away. I've even fantasized about Ken coming to me, seeking comfort, finding it in my arms, my body. But this isn't right. I don't want Ken to –use- me! I can't let him use me to get back at Aya! But….
I try to shove him away again, but his hands are so strong. They clutch at my clothes, ripping my shirt. "Argh!" I cry. "Ken, this isn't funny!" My voice is on the verge of hysterics.
"No, it isn't. Come on, Omi, why can't you just enjoy it? I know you've wanted this…." He says slyly.
"Ken…."
He pins my hands back against the bed and kisses me. No, he rapes my mouth. His lips on mine, pressing firmly, his tongue, so unexpected, forcing me to open, sucking. He plunges his tongue into my mouth, playing with me, demanding that I respond to him. I do. Oh God, suddenly I want this so badly. I fight back, moaning and pushing back against him. He chuckles into my mouth. He tastes like alcohol and sugar. When the kiss ends I jerk my head away, panting.
"Ken… you can't do this," I say weakly. I toss my head and try to push him off, but his hold on my wrists is too strong.
"Oh, but I can. And you want me to. I would never had guessed that you tasted so good, Omittchi," he hisses. He starts nibbling on my neck, kissing, licking, biting. I groan and thrash beneath him. "You like that, hm?"
"No! You have to stop!" I cry again.
He lets go of my wrists and forces my shirt up, racing his fingers over my pale skin. He teases me mercilessly. My arms snap up and clutch him around the neck. I moan and shift restlessly. "You don't want me to stop," he says.
I shake my head, tears forming in my eyes. He's right. I don't want him to stop. I lift against him. Just take me, Ken. If you want me, this one night, or any night, you know I'm yours. He sits back and pulls me up by one of my arms and rips my shirt the rest of the way off. He pulls me up farther, forcing me into his lap, straddling his hips. He pulls my face down to his roughly and we kiss again. It makes my head spin, his hands are everywhere, and I feel my own start to roam over his body. He growls.
I tremble against him. Now what do I do? If I participate in this then…. Then I don't have any excuses. I won't have any excuses in the morning or ever. But if I just let Ken take me… if he stays in control it will be alright. He's drunk after all. That's my excuse. But I can't just sit here, my legs wrapped around him and not want him, not want to touch him and kiss him and feel the fire of his body against mine. He runs his hands up my spine, massaging my tight muscles as he does so, squeezing here and there.
He has done this before.
He takes my face in his hands suddenly, pulling my lips down onto his. I open my mouth immediately and he runs his tongue over my lips, my teeth, investigating the far corners. He plays with me. I let him. Then he pushes me back roughly. I fall back onto the bed, my head nearly hitting the headboard. He puts his hand on my chest and pushes my down, pinning me. He unwraps my legs from around his middle and forces them apart, kneeling between them, leering at me.
This isn't what I wanted….
I feel the tears in my eyes again. I feel them roll down my cheeks, hot and unbidden. He smiles slyly and leans over me. Kissing first one cheek and then the other, kissing away my tears. The fuck, I know he doesn't mean it. "Why the tears, Omi-chan? Are you afraid of me? Or just ashamed? Either way you needn't be. I was ashamed and afraid the first time too… but in the end it's worth it, sweet one, oh it's worth it."
The edge on his voice is so dangerous. I know he's thinking about Aya. He's going to make me pay for Aya's negligence. He's counting on it. He bends his head and softly kisses my neck, starting a trail up and down. When I sigh softly he bites me, nipping my neck, my shoulder, my collarbone, my ear. He bites my shoulder so hard that I cry out in pain. He only chuckles and then kisses the bruise he's caused. I can't help myself, I run my hands through his soft hair. I've wanted to do so for a long time… but….
I touch his face gently as he tries to hurt me. I caress him like I've wanted to. For a moment he seems to slow. He lifts his head and stares hard into my eyes. They flicker and then soften. "Ken… can't you just… be gentle with me? I won't stop you, but… please…." I whisper.
He looks at me sadly and leans up to return my touch. "If I'm gentle now, Omi, then that's how I'll really hurt you in the end. You don't want that… I promise. If I hurt you now, if I'm brutal then later you will only resent me. I can deal with your resentment, even your hatred. But I could never deal with your pain…. Not that kind of pain, not the pain of a broken promise I never meant to make."
I sob. He's telling me he doesn't love me. That he can never love me because he's not free to do so. He doesn't want to lead me on, he just wants to fuck me. He wants to use me… and let me know that that's all he wants. He knows how I feel….
I shake my head. "Then do what you want," I choke. "You know I'm yours."
Eat me, beat me…. Whatever you want.
He grins again. Slapping me just enough to leave a little sting. "That's the way."
He tugs at my pants and unbuttons them, ripping the zipper down. He pulls them partway down over my hips until the bulge in my shorts is exposed and he reaches inside my boxers, taking me in his hand. As his cool fingers close around me I cry out, arching my back. He squeezes brutally and manhandles me. I start to cry again. I don't know why. I just wish….
He runs his hand up and down in a quick, rough manner and then starts to play with my balls. I gasp and twist, panting. He snickers wickedly and licks his lips. Shit! This is blowing my mind.
He leans over me and grins into my face. I can feel the warmth of his breath and smell the liquor on it. He is about to kiss me again when….
"Ken?! Where are you?" The voice breaks through the world Ken has created around me like a knife that stabs my heart. It's –his- voice.
Ken tenses. His breathing stops and his eyes become wide. I squeeze my eyes shut and will him to stay. I feel his hand relax around me and it starts to pull away. No! I reach up to touch his arms, to hold him there with me. We can hear the sound of footsteps in the hallway. They are soft and purposeful. They walk past my door and pause a little farther on. The sound of a door being knocked on. Another pause.
"Aité? Where are you, Kenken?" Aya's voice hangs in the dark void around us. "Hn. Maybe I missed him coming in…." Aya's footfalls pass my door once more and descend the stairs. Ken starts to shake above me.
"Oh fuck," he whispers. He pulls away from me and sits up on my bed, trembling. I go after him, putting my hands on his arm. Tugging gently.
"Ken…?" I say desperately. I'm not fulfilled. This isn't fair; he started this!
He looks over at me with wide, scared eyes. It's like he's seeing me for the first time. "Oh my God, Omi, I'm so sorry…." He reaches up to caress my face, but in a concerned manner. He starts to cry. "I'm so sorry, oh fuck, can you ever forgive me?" he whispers.
I look back at him. I let go of his arm. The spell is broken. I've lost him for good. "Just go," I hiss. I push him away from me and scoot back, pulling my pants up over my hips again. He reaches after me, grabbing my arm. He pulls me back, embracing me.
"Omi, please, I'm begging you! I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. Tell me you can forgive me for what I've done! I know I don't deserve it, but I truly am sorry. I… I don't want to use you…."
You already did. I shove him away again, and sit up defiantly. "I'm not really the one you should be begging forgiveness of, am I? Look, just forget it. You're drunk and I'm easy, so just go. Go to him. He came home for you on your birthday after all."
He stands up slowly and looks back at me. I can tell he's confused. Ken isn't a very smart drunk. "I want us to be ok… are we ok, Omittchi?" he asks quietly.
"Sure," I grate, "friends fool around all the time, right?"
He stares for a moment and then starts to walk away. "Please forgive me." He pushes my door open and walks out of my messed up sex life. I curl up on my bed and begin to cry silently. I've never felt so dirty, so used, or so hurt in my whole life… well, not counting the time I was kidnapped and molested at the age of five… or the last time I was tortured by my own brother… or killed my sister. Ok so I've felt worse, but not much.
Ken meets Aya in the hallway. I can hear them talking through my sobs.
"Where were you, I was just up here." It's Aya and he sounds strangely happy.
There is a pause. "I was in Omi's room."
"Omi's room? Why didn't you answer me when I called then?"
"We were talking… he's… not feeling so hot. And I'm really drunk."
Aya chuckles. "Are you happy to see me? I wanted to surprise you. Sorry I wasn't here earlier."
"You surprised me alright…."
"Is that a good thing? You look a little… I don't know… not happy to see me."
I know that at this point Ken will throw himself into Aya's arms in submissive placation and kiss his neck. I rail at myself for being such a fool.
"I AM happy to see you. How could I not be? But like I said I'm pretty drunk and pretty tired…."
"Well, I've got something special for you. Come, let me show you," he says in a seductive voice. I can imagine the play of his hands along Ken's body.
"Mmm."
I hear them move away down the hall and when I hear a door open and shut I start to sob all over again. I cry petulantly into my pillow. I'm not really mad a Ken anymore. I'm mad at myself. Mad for wanting him that way. Mad for thinking I could have him if only once. The whole thing wasn't fair. I can only hope that in the morning he won't remember. I'm not too worried about me. After all, I'm an old hat at blocking things out.