First disclaimer: Fire Emblem and its loads and loads of characters belong to Nintendo. I'm writing this just for fun.
Second disclaimer: The author doesn't condemn or support the characters' opinions. The author just wants to mess with them XD
Third disclaimer: This fic is the sequel of a previous one called "Everything is canon". However, it can be enjoyed without knowing the first one.
Fourth disclaimer (yes, I'm bored): There are minor spoilers of several Fire Emblem games in the story, especially Awakening and Fates. Nothing too serious or that hasn't become common knowledge by now in the fandom, but you've been warned!
Everything is canon... again!
The devious minds at Nintendo were gloating with satisfaction. Their master plan to subdue the shipping wars in Fire Emblem had been extraordinarily successful with Awakening, thanks to the Everything Is Canon Protocols, EICP for short. What could shippers do against each other when most of their favourite pairings were true?
Oh, you liked the little princess with the brooding swordsman? Canon (in a given universe). You liked the swordsman better with the red haired dragon-rider? Canon too. The cursing goth witch and the religious goody-two-shoes? Canon. The dragon loli and the armoured not-butler? Canon. Too many canons to count.
(Yes, that pairing you are thinking of, remember them in that Awakening playthrough of yours? They were so cute in their supports, weren't they? Canon too. Enjoy!).
Honestly, they might have made a mistake with Chrom. Too few candidates, and the tradition of Designated Pegasus Knight Love Interest (DPKLI for short) was still strong. Problem is, Avatar Self-Inserts were strong too. A minor shipping war ensued. Next time, they thought in Nintendo, no DPKLI. Because there was going to be a next time. With more money made than any other Fire Emblem game in history, Awakening had ensured the survival of the series and paved the way for another game.
However, Nintendo had underestimated the dark forces of the Internet. Too worried about defusing the shippers, they had forgotten that Flame Wars could spark for other reasons too. And this time, the champion of Tradition was back with a vengeance.
Marth, Prince of Altea, was having none of it.
00000
It was the straw that broke the camel's back, Marth thought. He had been hearing news about this Fire Emblem Fates and he didn't like them. For that reason, he had written a list of complaints about it and was ready to read them to the President of Nintendo. The speech he had prepared was brilliant, he believed. Surely, Nintendo would change their minds after he talked to the president.
Unfortunately, when he arrived to his office, he found out that he wasn't there. Worst, he wasn't expected to get back in at least several weeks.
"The President heard that there was a Dragonite in the Hiroshima Atomic Bomb Memorial and is going there to catch it before he orders that Pokémon Go can't be played in such a sensitive place again", his secretary told Marth.
"That is callous. Not worthy of Nintendo", the prince said.
"I agree. Letting the game be disrespectful to millions of people and then taking advantage of it is not what our company is supposed to stand for".
"What? No, no, I was talking about Nintendo making mobile phone games. That is terrible. But I guess the whole thing with the memorial is terrible too. What will be next? A Pikachu near the electric chair? A poison gas Pokémon in the Holocaust Museum?".
"Well, now that you mention it..."
Marth went out of the office with the feeling of failure. The same feeling a player had when they didn't see that archer too close to their pegasus unit, or when the final boss had such a high evade rate that they wished tactical nuclear strikes had been invented in the setting.
It was his last chance to stop the monster Fire Emblem Fates had become. And he had missed it.
00000
Roy, the protagonist of Fire Emblem: Binding Blade, found Marth in the tavern, drowning his sorrows in a glass of Resistance Tonic.
"Marth! What's wrong? I haven't seen someone so miserable since Solid Snake tried to ask Samus Aran out. Twice".
The prince of Altea looked at his super smash bro with glassy eyes.
"It's Awakening! It's all that damn game's fault!"
Roy sighed and sit down next to him.
"Marth, I'll pretend I didn't hear you insulting the Fire Emblem title that saved our poor series from certain cancellation doom and allows us to have this conversation now. You're just butt-hurt a girl managed to make everyone think she was you and that her game sold more than all of yours put together".
"Yes! No! I mean... Sigh, things were easier before, when we were obscure. Now we're popular. And it sucks".
"Good quote. From Tv Tropes, isn't it? But seriously, what's the problem this time?".
Marth took another sip of tonic from his glass.
"Have you heard of Fire Emblem Fates?", the blue-haired prince asked.
"Ah, yes, the new game for the 3DS. Some rumours, nothing else. I wasn't even sure if it was going to be a single game or two", the red-haired lord answered.
"It is... complicated. The beginning is the same, but then the story branches in two different directions, depending on the player's choices".
"Cool! It sounds like a Bioware game. Or a Witcher game. Or better yet, like Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones".
"Not exactly. To begin with, the players have to pay for each route".
Roy frowned.
"Well, that is... stingy. Tell me at least that each route is very different from each other".
"Oh, yes, they are. In one route, you side with Hoshido, a Japan-inspired kingdom of beautiful scenery, flowered tress and clear skies, full of happy citizens, valiant samurai, dutiful ninjas and quirky priests and shrine maidens, led by a peace-loving queen that can create a spiritual barrier that turns enemy soldiers into pacifists. In the other route, you side with Nohr, an European Mordor-looking hellhole riddled with rebellions and famine, full of liars, thieves, assassins and psychopaths, led by an evil tyrant that would kill his own children if they defied him".
"So subtle", Roy said sarcastically. "You know, as a representative of an European Fantasy country myself, I feel slightly offended".
"Do not worry", Marth answered. "There is a third route in which everyone becomes friends".
"I guess players have to pay for that one too, don't they?".
"Indeed".
Roy shook his head and asked the barman for a Luck Tonic.
"The first time you told me about DLC, I thought it was a disease", Roy confessed. "It seems I was right. However, I know you're part of the 'Make Nintendo Rich Again' club, so I don't think the Pokémon Strategy is enough to make you feel depressed. Tell me, what other horrors does Fates have in store?".
"It has supports for everyone", Marth told him.
"And? I invented the supports! And they were great. If you haven't realized, all the best-selling Fire Emblem games have supports in them. Also, the Everything Is Canon Protocols worked very well with Awakening".
"This time is different", Marth insisted.
"How so?".
"You can marry your siblings".
Roy started laughing.
"Ha, ha, ha, good joke! I know that incestuous subtext is a time-honoured tradition in Fire Emblem, but... Wait, you aren't joking. Is this true?".
"Oh, yes. Remember the routes? In one you discover that the family you have grown up with is adoptive, so you can marry them. In the other route, your biological family is not so biological after all, so you can marry them too. Naga, I have seen some of the supports, and the Nohrian little princess' one gives me the creeps".
"But... But they aren't blood-related, are they? According to the rules of Japanese fiction, that makes it 100% acceptable! That real-life laws may object doesn't matter".
Marth gave Roy a stern look.
"You did not have brothers or sisters, did you?".
"Does my maybe-cousin childhood friend count?".
"No".
"Then I'll shut up".
Both lords drank from their glasses. The atmosphere was awkward.
"I've heard there's a petting mini-game in Fates", Roy said.
"Only in Japan", Marth pointed out. "The West wasn't brave enough to include it. They said treating followers like pets and invading their personal space in a family-friendly game makes then uncomfortable. They welcomed the same-sex marriage, though".
Roy nodded.
"Ah, yes, another Freudian subtext made text. It was high time. We have our own Ho Yay page in Tv Tropes, you know. I'm even surprised the options are so few".
"Only two, a kinky thief and a stalker, lest some people get the wrong ideas", Marth said.
Roy facepalmed.
"I think the wrong ideas you're thinking of and the wrong ideas players think of may not be the same. For the Divine Dragons, sometimes I forget you're from 1990".
"I will take that as a compliment".
They kept drinking.
"But the worst of all is the new Avatar. That... Kamui, or Corrin, or however the hell they are named by the players", Marth hissed. "This time, they are not satisfied with being followers. They want to be everything! Lords and manaketes, members of royalty and descendants of the dragons. And now I have heard Nintendo wants to include them in Super Smash Bros. Shameless publicity stunt".
"Ike and I were once on the same boat, so I'm not one to criticize".
Marth was about to weep.
"Roy, I thought you were my friend!".
"And I am. But as a friend, I think you're taking this whole transition to Main IP very badly. You cling to the past, as if everything was better in those supposedly golden times".
Marth stood up and raised his fist.
"But they were better!", said the prince of Altea. "I dream of a Fire Emblem that goes back to its roots. When there were no supports, no shipping, just the pairings designated by the developers".
"Not everyone likes pegasus knights, you know", retorted the marquess of Pharae.
"When Anna did not have multiple identical sisters and her love interest was Jake".
"I think her true love interest is money".
"When chapters advanced one after the other and you could not grind in random map battles or visit shops whenever you like".
"Actually, wasn't the navigable world map invented in the very second game of our series?".
"When Fire Emblem titles were played in home video game consoles instead of puny handhelds".
"And they sold so poorly we almost got cancelled".
Marth looked at Roy.
"I guess the past is not what it is cracked up to be", the blue-haired prince muttered.
"You could say that", his red-haired friend conceded. "But being a bit old-fashioned is not bad. We shouldn't forget our roots and all the friends we fought side by side with. Do you want another drink?".
"...yes".
"My treat".
00000
Several hours later, Awakening's Lucina went into the tavern to find Marth and Roy sleeping on their table.
"Mother!", she shouted. "I have found the prince of Altea! Sadly, he is in no condition to hear us out".
Immediately after her, Awakening's Avatar (who we'll call "Robin Rufure von Daraen", for convenience's sake) entered the room.
"Lucina, I told you: don't call me 'mother'. I'm only your mother in some universes. In others, we aren't related at all. In some, we're even husband and wife!".
It was as if the Avatar had just kicked a puppy, because Lucina wanted to cry.
"But... but mother...".
"Shush! Breaking the Everything Is Canon Protocols is a serious crime. Remember, Big Super Mario Brother is watching, and I'll get angry if something happens to you because you talked too much".
"Is that the reason you were so bitchy when we fought in Super Smash Bros?", Lucina asked.
"Perhaps".
"I knew it! I knew you still loved me, mo... I mean, Avatar".
"That's my girl".
Lucina went back to the sleeping lords from previous games.
"What should we do? Should we wake them up?", suggested the blue-haired princess.
"No. Let them rest. The news can wait for now".
Lucina nodded and smiled.
"And what great news they are! Fire Emblem is going to get its own mobile phone game! I am sure the legendary hero Marth will be overjoyed when he hears it".
The Avatar looked at Marth with an amused expression.
"I don't know if 'overjoyed' is the right word, but I'm sure his reaction will be... priceless. I know, what if we bring Corrin for the announcement? The more, the merrier, and it's time prince Marth meets his new Super Smash Bros colleague".
"What a wonderful idea! Let's go!".
Author's notes:
I did it with Awakening and I'm doing it with Fates too: playing the games makes me want to poke fun at all the tropes and discussions held about them. Without forgetting Super Smash Bros, of course, that for FE in the West basically counts as honorary spin-offs.
There are just too many call-backs, shout-outs and easter eggs in the story to list them all out, but here are some:
* Marth, as the first protagonist of a FE game and the protagonist of the first remakes of old FE games embodies the call for tradition, but that's just me using him as a narrative tool. Roy looks more open-minded because he's the first to appear in a handheld console (the GBA), he enjoyed SSB popularity for his launch and his father, among others, were the first ones to debut in the West (Fire Emblem: The Sword of Flame).
* The (paid) routes, the manakete lord Avatar, marrying your (not blood-related) siblings and the same-sex marriages are all features of Fates.
* The female Avatar seemed a bit harsh on Lucina in their SSB interactions. Not that the fighting game is heavy on narrative either, but it surprised some players.
* If you don't know what Pokémon Go is or entails, you haven't been paying attention to the world lately.
* Yes, Nintendo announced in April that there's going to be a Fire Emblem game for mobile phones. It is expected for autumn 2016. Not much is known about it, although it's been said that it's not going to be a traditional FE experience, more like an app to help drive interest to the franchise. Perhaps like Fire Emblem Cipher, the card game?