She could still remember his last words clearly, nearly a year after he'd died. It was stupid, because she knew he wasn't coming back, but she couldn't let any part of him go. If she forgot a single thing, it would be like losing him all over again. The point of the arrow on her necklace dug into her finger, and she pushed harder to feel the pain. Bleeding was a good distraction from the depression she wasn't letting herself feel.
It shouldn't have been such a surprise that he was gone, really. He'd been reckless, jumping off of skyscrapers and going into a fight without a plan. It was more of a surprise that he hadn't died sooner, really. But that didn't make it hurt less. She distracted herself, on days like this, with memories.
"What are you thinking about?" Clint asked, stopping behind her silently. "You've got that look again."
"What look?" she asked, not turning around.
"The one that means someone is about to die," he replied, smiling to himself. "There will be no death while we're on vacation."
"This isn't a vacation. This is mandatory recovery from a mission gone wrong. But I'm not going to kill anyone," she told him.
"I'm choosing to think of it as a vacation, because Fury forcing us to leave for our mental health just pisses me off. How does it not piss you off?" he asked.
"It does. Hence the 'look'. But I can admit that we need this time for ourselves. Almost losing Sitwell and Hill at the same time sets me on edge, and I know it freaked you out," she reminded him.
"Of course it freaked me out, but we're all fine now. I'm ready for the next op. You know Hill is, too. Sitwell... I don't know. But in our job, you have to be used to this kind of thing. Death comes with the job. Speaking of, we should talk about that," he told her.
"Talk about what?" she demanded, frowning.
"Death, and what happens if one of us dies," he replied.
"No," she snapped, walking just to get away. He followed, knowing that she wouldn't lash out at him no matter how angry she got about the subject.
"Hear me out. I know how you are about the people you care about, and you know how I am. Whoever goes first is leaving behind a shell of a person. So I want you to promise that when it's me who goes, you won't get reckless. I don't want you joining me until it's actually your time," he continued.
"Clint, no. Drop this subject. We're done discussing this," she told him quietly, continuing her path along the field back towards Laura's farm. They were staying with her while they were forced to stay away from SHIELD.
"Nat, I'm serious. We both know I'm the most likely to die. I'm stupid when I get out in the field, and I accept that. Now it's your turn to accept it and realize that there's nothing you'll be able to do to change it. It won't be your fault, and it won't fall to you to avenge me or whatever. But it will be your job to keep going. Keep saving the world, keep the team together, keep Fury from blowing up at every new agent that passes through, keep giving Coulson reasons to roll his eyes. Keep being you," he told her, grabbing her hand.
"Why are you doing this? Why now?" she demanded, yanking her hand back and finally turning to face him. There were tears in her eyes that she'd deny later.
"Because, like you said, we're not okay. We need this time to heal. I think it would help us to have this discussion. And if it helps you, then I'll agree to the same things I just listed," he replied. "And... here." He dropped something into her open palm, not meeting her eyes. "In case something does happen, I hope that helps keep you grounded. It's made from the tip of my very first arrow. Coulson helped me find a guy who could make it."
The arrow necklace flashed in the sun, and Natasha wordlessly clasped it into place.
She was standing in exactly the same place now, getting drops of blood on that necklace as she takes in the familiar sights. Laura had welcomed her, telling her that she could always come back. It was, after all, her safe house. The wind whipped around her, getting stronger by the second and sending her on edge. It had been calm just five minutes ago, and the weather didn't change abruptly in Iowa. She watched, checking her pocket for her knives, as a portal opened up in front of her and a demon stepped out.
The girl, if she could be called a girl, was seven feet tall and was most definitely from some form of Hell. Half of her face was skeletal, and the other half appeared to be human. If her face had been intact, she would have been beautiful, framed with the darkest hair Natasha had ever seen. Her whole body, face included, seemed to be submerged in shadow even though they were standing in broad daylight with the sun shining down on them. They spent nearly a minute sizing each other up before the girl spoke.
"The famous Black Widow. It's an honor to meet the warrior responsible for sending so many to my realm. I am Hela, daughter of Loki," she said quietly. "And I have a job for you."
"I'm not interested," Natasha snapped, not taking her hand off of the gun in her pocket.
"I thought you might say that, which is why I'm prepared to offer a trade. The death of my father for the life of your husband. I'll return him to you in perfect condition the moment you send my father to my realm permanently. He can't hurt anyone from there, you see. Odin believes it is where he is best suited, and has tasked me with making sure he stays there. I'm tasking his delivery on you," she explained.
"You expect me to kill a god?" Natasha asked, arching her eyebrow. Hela nodded. "And I should just believe you when you say you'll let Clint come back, as though he never died."
"Yes, that's the deal. Is there a problem?" she shot back.
"I don't kill, anymore. It was... it was my last promise," Natasha said quietly. "You'll have to find someone else."
"He wants to come back almost as much as you want him here with you," Hela said. "He can see you here, you know. He's seen the shell you've become, and he's mad as hell. Apparently you've broken a promise?"
"I never promised anything," Natasha said, fighting the urge to smile fondly. At least she knew, now, that Hela actually had Clint. "He watches me?"
"And he told me to tell you that killing someone who has killed more people than the two of you have met, combined, does not count against your promise," Hela agreed.
"He wants me to kill Loki?" Natasha asked, bewildered.
"He wants to come back. They always do. This will be the first time I have ever agreed to restore someone, so keep that in mind before you make a decision," she answered.
"I... will consider it," Natasha said slowly, frowning.
"The deal stands. Send me my father, and I'll give you your husband," Hela stated, giving a small, yet terrifying, smile. She stepped back through the portal, and it disappeared. Natasha didn't stay out in the field, instead choosing to go back to headquarters to think.
NRCBNRCB
"Stark, I need your help," Natasha said through her teeth. It was the last thing she'd wanted to do, but SHIELD satellites couldn't find any trace of Loki and she was getting desperate. If anyone could pull it off, it would be Tony Stark. Or, more accurately, JARVIS.
"Widow, that's the last thing I expected to hear from you on this fine day. What can I do for you?" he asked, pausing in his tinkering. It looked like he was making yet another suit, which she was choosing to ignore. She was a little bit glad he hadn't bothered to ask how she'd gotten inside.
"I need to find Loki," she said simply. Tony raised an eyebrow in question. "It's personal, Stark. Can you help me or not?"
"Fine, fine. JARVIS?" Tony replied, rolling his eyes.
"Loki's magical signature currently appears to be strongest in Los Angeles," JARVIS intoned. Natasha nodded.
"Thank you," she said stiffly, turning to go.
"Romanov," Tony called after her. Something in his voice made her turn back, and she recognized it as concern written all over his face. "Do you need help with this? You don't want to face him alone."
"I have to," she told him, ignoring his protests as she walked away. Hela hadn't specified that it had to be only her, but she wasn't taking any chances. Besides, she knew that the others would try to stop her from actually killing him. No, this was something she had to do alone. Her last kill.
NRCBNRCB
She stole one of the few jets that SHIELD had left, feeling no regret as she calmly turned the communication off as Coulson was ordering her to return. She knew there was a very good chance that she wouldn't be coming back at all, and she'd made peace with that as she systematically incapacitated every agent standing between her and her mission. If she somehow came back with Clint, she fully expected Coulson to take her out of the field entirely. She would deal with that as it came. It would be worth it if she could get Clint back.
"You were everything I wanted to be," she said under her breath. "I will never be half the person that you are, but I can do this for you. I will do this for you."
"Hawkeye, what's your eta?" Steve called out over the team's private channel. There was silence for too long, long enough that Natasha was scanning the skyline for his familiar silhouette. She couldn't find him.
"Not gonna make it today, Cap," came the eventual answer. "Sorry."
"What do you mean, you're not coming today?" Tony demanded, swooping down to take out the drone that was giving Steve trouble. Natasha was fighting two of her own, but she was preparing to ditch them to dig Clint out of whatever hole he'd fallen into.
"Didn't say I wasn't coming, just that I wouldn't make it. There's a difference," Clint snapped. "Not like I'm not trying."
"We're going to need an actual explanation, now," Natasha demanded, keeping her voice even as she disabled both her drones on her own and made her way to where she thought Clint had been.
"I was hoping you wouldn't ask. Remember when I told you I make stupid decisions, and this is how I'd go out? Yeah, this is the day. I love you, okay? Live," he said. And then his line went dead, and all of the other drones that had been wreaking havoc just... dropped. It was over.
It had taken a while to find him, because he'd never told them where he'd been. In the end, JARVIS hacked into the system and tracked his ear piece. He was buried under the remains of what appeared to be a bank, surrounded by the dead drones and a man who was staring down at a broken control pad. It had taken both Steve and Tony to hold her back from snapping the man's neck then and there. Hours later, she got to explain why Clint had said he loved her, how they'd gotten married in secret. How Laura was Clint's sister-in-law, not his wife. And then she'd disappeared for three months, glad that Stark just let her hide and come to grips with the fact that her husband was gone and not coming back. When she returned, she worked to appear the same as she'd always been. She hid her grief and refused to discuss her loss with anyone, not even Coulson.
It was raining, courtesy of Thor, at Clint's funeral. The team and Laura had left when the ceremony ended, and it was only Natasha and Coulson left to watch the casket being lowered into the grave. The silence was deafening, and Natasha was struck with the odd urge to break it.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"For what?" Coulson asked, equally quiet. "You did nothing wrong."
"I should have kept him safe. I should have been there to stop him," she admitted. She'd been thinking it since the line had gone dead.
"You couldn't have changed his mind. Nobody could stop him when he'd made a decision. How else would you have made it into SHIELD?" Coulson reminded her.
"Still. If I had been different... maybe it wouldn't have ended like this," she closed her eyes.
"Natasha..."
"I promise, no more killing. No more blood will be by my hand. I'm done with that life," she whispered. Coulson seemed to realize that she was no longer talking to him, and he wisely kept any comment to himself.
And now she was going to kill Loki. Whatever Clint had to say about it, if he'd really said it, it didn't matter. Even though it was Loki, who really had killed more people than she could even imagine, it would still count. It was a promise that she was willing to break to get him back. That's what she repeated to herself as she landed the jet and made her way to where JARVIS assured her that Loki would be. It's what was going through her head as she threw her first knife to get the trickster's attention.
"To what do I owe the... pleasure?" Loki asked, lips curling in a sneer. "Didn't you learn anything from last time?"
"Yes. I learned that even gods bleed. Your daughter says hello," Natasha shot back, keeping her face blank. "She wants to see you."
"I'll have to arrange a time to visit," Loki said, shrugging her off like it was no big deal. He glared at her as the second knife hit the wall by his head.
"How about right now?" Natasha snapped, done playing games. "One of us is making that trip today, and it won't be me."
"What makes you think you can beat me?" Loki demanded, standing straight and aiming the scepter (how had he gotten that back? She'd have to figure that out later, if she had the chance) at her threateningly.
"I have nothing to lose. It makes no difference to me if I win or lose, and that is why I can win," Natasha informed him. "Enough talk." She moved faster than he could track, a trick she'd learned in the Red Room many years ago.
The fight was over in minutes, Natasha standing over him with the scepter hovering over his heart. She was breathing hard, and he was bleeding in several places. She had a few broken ribs, she was sure. She was also fairly certain she had a concussion. Either way, she'd won. She could do this. It would be worth it.
"What are you waiting for?" Loki taunted. "You've won, have you not? Or are you too weak to finish it?"
She took a deep breath, willing herself to plunge the scepter through his heart once and for all. The world would be a safer place. She'd have her husband, her Clint, back. There was no reason not to. Excpet...
"Not wanting to kill is not a weakness," she said quietly. "I finally see that it's a strength. I understand now."
"What are you talking about?" Loki snapped, glaring at her. "Are you going to do it or not?"
"No," she said simply, taking a step back and throwing the scepter to the side. "No, I'm not. I'm keeping my promise. No more death."
Loki was in front of her with the scepter in a flash, arm pulled back and ready to finish her off. She spread her arms in welcome, almost relieved that it would be over, when he froze. A blood stain formed over his heart, the tip of a sword just barely peeking through. Hela stood behind him holding the sword as he fell, looking very angry.
"I can't believe I lost!" she shouted.
"What?" Natasha asked, blinking at the shock of it all. "Lost what?"
"I told you she wouldn't do it. She's better than anyone I've ever known, even if she never knew it. I don't make bets that I can't win," Clint called from further back, where he was leaning against the edge of a portal. "Pay up."
"Damn it," Hela muttered. "This is what I get for betting with a mortal. Fine, you win. You're free to go."
"What?" Natasha asked again, eyes wide.
"Hela and I made a bet on whether or not you'd kill Loki to get me back. She says in all of her years of existence, she's never once seen a mortal pass up on getting someone they love back, even if it meant killing someone to get them," Clint started.
"It's true. I've made the offer before, when criminals escape fate. Every single time, the person who is tasked with murder sees it through just to get a loved one back. I've never seen someone change their mind at the last second. It begs a few questions that I would have to see play out," Hela agreed.
"Anyways, she said if by some miracle you chose not to kill Loki, she'd let me come back. It was kind of a moral test, really, when you think about it. If I lost the bet, I had to stay and be a servant. But I know you better than anyone else. I heard your promise. I knew you wouldn't break it, even if Hela said I'd given you permission," Clint finished.
"You found your own way back," Natasha stated, processing everything they'd put her through.
"Well, yeah. You weren't coping. Clearly you still need me," he replied, smiling slightly.
"You idiot," she snapped, punching him as hard as she could before pulling him into a kiss. She could hear the sound of Hela leaving through her portal, but she ignored it in favor of Clint.
"Yeah, but in my defense, I never claimed that I wasn't," he said when she let him go, rubbing his shoulder where she'd hit him.
"Never again," she commanded. "You are to wait for help, not sacrifice yourself! No matter what is happening! I can't lose you!"
"I'm not going anywhere for a very long time," Clint promised. "Never again."
And she believed him, because if there was anyone else who would keep a promise at any cost, it was Clint Barton.