Note: The Hertfordshire timeline is slightly muddled here. Collins proposes before the Netherfield Ball. Otherwise, everything's intact and ripe for a little bit of fun. Happy reading!
"No, Mr. Collins. No! No, no - I insist for the twentieth time that I refuse to marry you," Elizabeth huffed as she ran away, quite literally, from her belligerent cousin.
"Miss Elizabeth, your modesty, I am sure, insists that you - "
"No!" Elizabeth shouted, exasperated beyond reason. It was a pity that her gowns refused her easy movement. Oh how easily she would outrun the toad of a man if she were permitted to wear breeches as well! "Mr. Collins, I assure you there is no modesty or strange ideals of propriety involved in my rejection!"
"Cousin Elizabeth, I must admit my admiration for - "
"No! Please! Take your admiration home with you for your beloved Lady Catherine. God knows she is more than welcome to have my share." Elizabeth scaled the small hill with ease and gained at last a small advantage over her cousin. Her smile was proud.
"Miss Elizabeth! Please! If you would merely give me a moment, I could describe in detail my persistence and my - "
"I refuse!" Elizabeth bellowed, utterly annoyed, as she spun around to face him three yards away. She dropped her skirts angrily and crossed her arms. "Mr. Collins, as a man of the cloth, you ought to be thoroughly ashamed. Please - do not think that I lie, nor prevaricate as to the reasons for my refusal. You are a - different man from what I envision my husband to be, and I shall under no duress consent to your proposal."
"But you are unlikely to ever receive another!" It seemed her point still did not sit well with him.
"If I do not," Elizabeth spoke as calmly as she could manage, "then I shall die a happy old maid - content to have refused the only proposal I've ever had the bad fortune to receive."
"Your reasons, fair cousin, have little ground. If you fool yourself into thinking that you will yet receive more offers then you have - "
"And who is to say that I have not?" Elizabeth blurted, irritated to the utmost. She lifted her hands helplessly before dropping them once more. "Mr. Collins, I must insist that you stop insulting the woman you think you are proposing to."
"Ah! You acknowledge my attentions at last!" Mr. Collins lifted a finger as he spoke, looking bald and pathetic to no end.
"I do not," Elizabeth repeated. She was fairly close to pulling out her own hair - or his. "I believe I have received proposals and shall receive them again. I may even, if I should fancy it, accept one of them some day. None of those details are relevant, however, to the fact that I shall not marry you."
The parson stopped short before his next inevitably bumbling statement. Elizabeth was almost impressed.
"Of course!" Mr. Collins cried, before dashing all hope for his sanity. "You refuse my proposal because you already have accepted another. Oh, you clever girl! Why did you not simply say so?"
"I - I am - "
"You reject me because you are unable to accept me - of course, of course," the man muttered to himself.
Elizabeth watched, eyes wide and nearly panicked. If the man had concocted his own lie - and believed in a misunderstanding of his own doing - surely, she could not be blamed?
"Cousin Elizabeth!" His declaration of her name reassumed her frightened attention. "You are a virtuous lady, indeed."
Elizabeth nodded slightly, unsure if agreement would drive him closer or farther from another attempt at proposing.
"You have shown the utmost kindness by pretending that you preferred not to choose me," he continued, to Elizabeth's bafflement, "when you are merely unable to accept my generous offer."
Elizabeth knew not to laugh or to cry. "Sir - "
"Ah, I am a reasonable man, am I not? Your honor has been engaged - and therefore can no longer engage mine," he concluded all to himself. "I shall not grieve you by furthering my attentions."
Elizabeth's overwhelming thankfulness at his conclusion bid her not to speak.
The pudgy parson, unfortunately, mumbled on, "Your heart, though it be mine, is unfortunately already promised to another. It is therefore - "
"No!" Elizabeth could not resist then. Her cousin watched her with a face surprised. "No, sir - I must insist. My heart belongs - not to you."
That was a lie she could not bear to have him believe!
"There is no reason for shame, my dear!" He had the nerve to proclaim. "It is but natural that one is drawn towards family. For as my most revered patroness Lady Catherine de Bourgh has said, cousins are most suited to each other in temperament and position. There are fewer matches that could rival the perfection of - "
"There is no perfection to be discussed in our particular circumstance, sir!" Elizabeth rushed to correct him. Her patience wore as thin as first ice. Her breath ran short in her anger as her arms twisted imposingly before her. "My heart has never, nor will ever, belong to you, sir."
"Loyalty suits you well, my fair cousin." The incorrigible parson would not stop his talking and bowing. "I find it difficult to believe, however, that both your heart and your honor have truly been engaged. Your mother herself had assured me of your availability."
"My mother - " Elizabeth struggled not to lose her temper. "My mother - knows little of my affairs."
"It is true, then, that you have offered your heart to another?" Mr. Collins looked as if he teetered on the edge of uncovered scandal. Elizabeth fretted more deeply than she had in years.
What would the man do if she were to profess a secret engagement, however fictitious said engagement might be?
"I - I am not at liberty to say," Elizabeth muttered vaguely, praying direly in her heart that God would have his servant disappear posthaste.
"Ah! Then you are a woman engaged!" His exclamation came with a most welcome retreat. "I must beg your pardon, fair cousin, for imposing upon you so. Good day. We shall have opportunities aplenty to meet each other in company."
As Mr. Collin's heavy form scurried ungracefully towards Longbourn, Elizabeth's intense relief forbid her to regret any misunderstanding their conversation might have brought about.
If the silly man insisted upon believing what he did - then, surely, she had little cause to complain. His good opinion she would never need!
A/N: I promise I'm not randomly starting stories! I just need to buy more time to edit the highly complex latter chapters of both "Oh Brother" and "Real." The characters can be so stubborn once familiarity breeds contempt ;) I hope you enjoy this one! It's only going to have five short chapters :)