A day. A month. A year. Each one seems to seem longer and more impossible as the seconds go by. Each day is an ever harder test now and it seems as if they all just want me to be gone now. One moment you are told that someone cares for you and then the next they are cursing your name and wishing you were dead, and I honestly wish to indulge them in this wish yet I cannot.
The irony of the situation is almost funny. I am too much of a coward to take the coward's way out. The blade now is one of my only true friends. It offers me comfort but at the same time it taunts me with the blissful idea of release from my worthless life and yet the end never comes. Only scars remain to serve as a reminder of the one fucking important job that I yet again fuck up.
This past week has only served as a reminder as to why I should have killed myself a long long time ago. Earlier today a girl who supposedly cared for me and promised to be with me said I was a "waste of space freak that should not have been born" and that the only reason she ever made up these feelings was so that she could have a funny joke. So that's all I am. A joke. A plaything for people to mess around with and fuck with as they see fit. So I sat for 3 hours crying to myself looking like the waste of space that I was to her. There are truly about 4 people in this world who care and give a fuck about me and after finding out about what had happened 2 of them did their best to comfort and help me forget and ignore it and for a time it worked. But as the night wore on and they went away I drifted back into this god awful state that I am now in now.
A day before this shit I happened to venture out of the house. If you know me then you know how much of a rarity this is. And so it makes it even better that when going out I of course get the shit beat out of me on the bus. May seem unbelievable but there are a group of people who have beat me for the last year now and of course they were on my bus. So for what seemed like forever they punched me, kicked me and then spat on me before leaving. No one helped me or even came to see if I was all right. I was left there bleeding and crying because no one fucking cares about a freak who can't stand up for himself as he is not worth there help or time.
So basically tonight im writing this because I'm going to do it. I'm going to try this as many times as I have too. I cannot live by the end of this night I have no point too I just want to be free. I want the nothing that is death.