AN: Hey These are not my characters i do not own them! As you all know Masashi Kishimoto owns them. And I admit to taking bits from a series I have watched that someone else made but I give them full credit. Hey I just realized this is also my first Naruto story! Cool! XD
Shinobi: List 1 goes to Kakashi (his rules/teachings to new teachers part one)
1) Always look for the hidden meaning: The meaning within the meaning. So if you ever find yourself being treated to ramen by your students I suggest that you take the bowl and run! They're up to something.
2) Love Life! You gotta love life because it sure as hell isn't ganna love you! You think if your about to be buried by some idiot sand ninjas sand coffin Naruto and Shikamaru will come to your rescue every time? Well than I have five simple words for you: 'Your screwed in life man!' I hope your puny brain could handle that much info.
3) It figures: You say this when:
A) Your students say something completely obvious
B) Your student doesn't understand what you've taught them (maybe if they had, had a better teacher before hand -glares at someone- you wouldn't have to be teaching them this all over again -though it's more their fault for not listening-
C) When someone attacks you on a c rank mission -glares at a certain fool who was crazy enough to name a stupid bridge after my student-
D) When you can't get a date and you wear an orange jump suite (or act like a huge jerk to the one you like)
E) And the last one I'm saying so I can get on with this stupid list is: When you get a call from the Hokage about a certain trouble some someone.
4) Use the bells! Drop them by 'accident' and watch what happens when they pick them up! It's hilarious! -Just don't forget to set the damn trap! You got that you fools?-
5) Never tell your students more than your name! If they need an example because there two stupid to figure out how to introduce themselves show them. A perfect example: My name is Hatake Kakashi. I'm the kind of person who doesn't feel like talking about his likes and dislikes. My dreams for the future? There none of your damned business! -modified from what I actually told them- But anyway I have lots of hobbies. That I am also not sharing with you to make it all more interesting! So who wants to go next?
This will make them feel a bit awkward but also get them to talk.
6) Play with there minds! This may seem mean -and in truth it is!- but you get the most fun out of this! And heck sometimes they learn somethings after you've played with them so much.
7) Never tease an Uchiha about their secret love -they become uncontrollably emo on you and don't listen to you for weeks on end. (Though I dought any of you will ever have this problem! -grumbles-)
8) Never underestimate your student -they may actually learn some new tricks-. Though if they do, I've learned, that it's by pure dumb luck most of the time.
9) Use the boys in your groups will to be better then the other boys to your advantage -it'll get them to work their little fannies off for you! Even if it isn't all training! Send them out to buy your newest volume of Kame Kame! Or other stuff!
10) Don't let them leave your sight! I mean this in a way that says' if you don't watch certain members of your group they could kill each other (or worse turn to the dark side!)
11) If the dark side offers you cookies, TAKE THEM! You may never get that chance again to leave those idiot students -or get those cookies-. Though after you have the cookies and have had a long enough vacation turn them in and say 'Hey your the ones who stopped providing me with cookies! And if you had kept the activities fun I may have staid a bit longer!'
12) When Iruka apposes you about doing something -because of his 'favorite student'- make sure when the two of you are alone to spank him. -Though if you ever do this I will have to personally hunt you down and kill you:D-
13) Learn this and learn this well: DO NOT TOUCH THE IRUKA!!!!! -That means you more than anything Mizuki!- I will have to F'ing kill you!! And may I add that I will do this with pleasure:D
14) Don't interfere with boy's in the middle of heat! It doesn't work and the results are painful!
15) Never listen to the radio when your student's are rescuing a cat. Why? Because one will come out looking like he has five times the amount of whiskers he usually has.
16) Never forget your villages full name! And in the presence of your Hokage (or whatever village name leader dude you have) never refer to your village as hidden (in whatever place you are) leaf. Refer to it as you should, with pride. (Though I don't have a hell of a clue as to why).
17) Baboons don't know how to dance! So please don't ask them to! (Gaara, Lee, sorry to tell you this but neither of you know the 'Funk!')
18) Little monkey boy's don't know how to climb tree's without falling down at least a dozen times and killing every bit of energy/chakra remaining in their tailless little bodies.
19) Becoming the next Hokage seems impossible for all your idiot students. So make sure they know this (even though you once were just like them). Crushing their dreams is just a part of your job. Letting them in on reality is the key in crushing these dreams.
20) To go further in to killing my own students dreams (who shouldn't be hear reading this any way). Sauske you will never kill your brother so stop being emo. Sakura, hate to tell you this, but Sauske loves someone else! And let me tell you, unless you build your self a strong hide and get some back bone you'll never win him. Tough luck suckers.
21) Never say the word suckers! EVER! -thought I just did so I hear by will never say it again-
22) Suckers are not just a lollipop, so I humbly suggest if you don't have some SUCKERS you go get yourself some from Shippo.
23) Back to the real topic since the word SUCKERS is now band. ...aww shit...i hate that! Oh well! So what else? Oh yeah! Never say the words "Touche!" it's apparently Iruka's line! If you don't believe me go watch abridged! (He yelled at me every time! And I yelled at him about my milk! Hahah Moo!)
24) I solemnly swear i am up to no good! ...what, the, hell? This isn't even in this series! Go watch Harry Potter if you want me (or any one) to analyze that one for you! And no I wont explain it to you even if you beg!!!
25) You must be over 18 to read make out paradise. Sorry kiddies! You'd all die if you read it any way (theres a special seal on it! Just to warn you:D)
26) I find it annoying that I decided to let my guard down for five minutes and get hit with a chalk board eraser within the first 310 seconds!
27) I am only going to admit to this once, but once could be once to many, I am a huge fan of Sexy No Jitsu! And I love how Jiriya uses it in his newest volume -blushes being pervert, and I admit this- however I am very annoyed that he gives no credit to its founder -though he may be under age. Ever think he may read that volume some day Jiriya-san?
28) One thousand years of death IS one of my favorite moves (now if only Iruka would let his guard down long enough for me to pull it off on him:D) And yes it IS Konohagakure village's most secret technique's. I invented it and it works wonders on enemies!
29) I received the weirdest question the other day. If I became a vampire who would be the first person I'd bite? Who the hell comes up with these crappy questions? I'M A BLOODY NINJA! GET IT RIGHT!!!
30) Half way done? I hope so! As a teacher you never make mistakes. If the bad guy's still alive it wasn't your fault, it was your students! -this is always your excuse when the guy has a giant scythe and travels with a masked mime who wont shut up.
31) I am going to have to say: Damn it! Not because this has anything to do with being a teacher or taking advantage of the kiddies. But because it is so much fun!
32) 'No one gives a damn about what you say! So shut up!' These are the words you use when you really want to make your students feel unworthy. Or you could just be in a bad mood! Maybe even if you want them to work harder -this tends to work. Just telling them something like you could never do this -though another team mate can (this is a charm with the boys :D- or your an utter failure at life.
33) Hah! I'm almost done! So...um yeah...the point of this one was...ah, that when your student shouts this you smile evilly and tell him 'well when your done don't forget to run that 50 k you owe me! You can run it around the village if you so wish, it may help you keep track better!' And walk off grinning like a mad man.
34) Make sure you never entrust your student to an utter pervert, such as Jiryia or Master Ebisu -ahahaha!- I'm ganna keep going now, kay?
35) I believe that the dead should stay dead! Let them rest in peace damn it! Got that? Yeah, yeah you miss them so much, to f'in bad! Once your dead your dead. Visit their grave everyday, month, year! Morn them, keep them in your own memory. And remember how much of a hero they were in life! Hell think of that and imagine what they might be doing in death?
36) Your kiddies whine at all simple way to fix it:
A) Kick them, hard, and where it WILL hurt
B) Throw them in the lake for goodness sakes
C) Tell them 'Well aren't you a big bad shinobi!'
D) Or to really make them mad say one of these three things (though they may only work for my students): 'You'll never kill him at this rate!' 'Your worse than Naruto! No wonder Sauske shuns you!' "...and you think you'll become Hokage? Phh, with that attitude! Hahahaha!'
37) 'Yeah and so forth! Dismissed!' Is how you should end every meeting with your students (at least a training session)
38) 'Don't die on me.' Simple instructions for you to give to your group before a supposed easy mission gets hard.
39) Don't leave closet door's open randomly. And always lock them after words! You never know what, or who you may catch!
40) Never let students sit on the desks, this may result in later violence and more fan girls then their already are! -AN: this is just a joke! Please do not take it the wrong way! If so I am wiling to remove it!-
41) ...you mean, to tell me now, that I could have stopped at thirty? You wanna know what? F' you! I'm doing one more and then I quit! See If I come back to do my second one!...Bastard!
42) Here's a last tip: Don't trust the f'ing person who has you make this! If I knew I could stop whenever I would have stopped at two! I do have a life you know! How about you get one? There's some good advice for you! And you wanna know what? I want you to actually talk next time bastard! Got it?
43) Alright I'll seriously give you one more good advice quote thing.
44) Make sure the Hokage takes his meads.
45) Alright, alright I'll be serious! Make sure your students have a full supply of whatever stupid ninja equipment they want to use -and then slowly steel it from them with every practice session. The student's always seem to have an endless supply any way, right? And your pay cheek isn't big enough to cover all expenses! Living, needed, work or otherwise.
46) I'm running out of things to say -and I meant to stop a while ago any way- so I'm ganna say: 'Where the hell is Iruka?' at the top of my lungs capacity. You don't like it? To damn bad! 'Iruka!!!!!!!!!!!!'
--------------
AN: Yeah I couldn't think of anything for my other stories so I thought maybe a one shot would help calm me down and think clearer! In reality though...it just ended up being fun! Sorry! I will start working on my other stories soon! Promise! Sorry about the cursing and other stuff! If anything is offensive it was not meant to be!