Story: Crimson Tears, Chapter 1.
Summary: Despite Kukaku's reassurance, she still blamed herself for Kaien's death. No matter what Renji had told her, she didn't want to be a burden to her friends. And even though Byakuya had said he was sorry, she knew she wasn't worthy of the Kuchiki name, feeling as distant as ever, if not more. To make matters worse, she had a terrible secret that she didn't want anybody to know. Self-harm. Eventual light RenRuki.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

This is something I've been wanting to write for a while, but I couldn't bring myself to get around to it, until just now. And you'll have to forgive me. It's been a while since I've written for Bleach, so it may seem slightly out of character at points. Not to mention Rukia isn't probably the type that would resort to self-harm, but there isn't enough stories that focus on Rukia self-harming, minus some of the Ichiruki stories out there. So I wanted to do something a little different, that develops Byakuya's relationship with Rukia and that develops something with Renji and Renji. So far, there is no self-harm story with RenRuki that I know of, so, like I said, I wrote this. Though I was also kinda venting to, so... Hope you guys will stick with me through this.

By the way, this will be a slow build and will eventually contain some light RenRuki(nothing explicit though, just saying).

Rukia sat in the bathroom of Ichigo's house. Lately, dark thoughts had been returning, no matter how much she tried to reassure herself. Despite Kukaku's reassurance, she still blamed herself for Kaien's death. No matter what Renji had told her, she didn't want to be a burden to her friends, as she couldn't bring herself to drag them down with stupid feelings. And even though Byakuya had said he was sorry, she knew she wasn't worthy of the Kuchiki name, feeling just as distant as ever, if not more so. She had been dealing with dark thoughts and terrible nightmares for a while now, was constantly restless, and her feelings wouldn't go away. To make matters worse, she had a terrible secret that she didn't want anybody to know.

Unknown to anybody, self-inflicted cuts littered both of her arms, from elbow to wrist. Anymore, she had been pulling away from Ichigo and the others, much to the obvious irritation of Ichigo and even more obvious concern of Orihime, Renji, and her captain. While Byakuya seemed to have possibly noticed something off about her, he hadn't once questioned it. Perhaps he felt he didn't have a right to after revealing such a truth to Rukia. Not that Byakuya had never seemed that emotional and empathetic to her to begin with. (It's ironic that he's truthfully such a hothead down deep. xD;;)

Not a single person had questioned why she had been insisting on constantly wearing long sleeves, though she doubted many would notice such a tiny detail unless they had the same problem she did. Still, she was glad they hadn't seemed to notice that because it was best that way. She didn't need them finding out the truth, because it would unnecessarily worry them. And that wasn't a reality she wanted to be faced with right now. Though, knowing Ichigo and Renji they would probably be pissed to say the least and Byakuya would probably be disappointed in her more than he ever had been before. But this was her coping mechanism, something she didn't want to be taken away from her right now. So the only option she had was to hide it, since it was so addictive at this point.

Bringing the razor blade to the once pure and clean skin of her arm, which she had leaning over the bathtub, she bit her lip at the sharp sting it caused when she dug the blade into her flesh. Soon, however, the feeling of pain was replaced by relief and satisfaction as crimson oozed out of the cut, trailing down her arm and dripping into the tub to mix in with the water already in it. Knowing that the blood by itself would have likely stained the white surface otherwise, she had already had a bit of water in to begin with keep the crimson from doing just that - that way nobody would know.

In her mind, the fallen blood was a symbol of her pain. One could say it "matched the outside to the inside", and while part of her knew she was cowardly for resorting to such a means of emotional release, it was the only thing she could comprehend; the only way she could distract herself anymore. In a way, watching the blood pouring out of her wounds replaced the tears she could never get out and would never fall. But with that thought in mind, it made her more frustrated, because she hated that couldn't she shed tears when she needed to. Instead they just bottled up, along with her anger, frustrations, anxiety and depression. So very rarely was she able to cry of her own volition, though, when she did, it was only because she had been holding things back for too long, even though she didn't think she wanted to hold it back. No, wait, she must have wanted to if it was causing this much pain, so in some way it must her own unknown pride causing it. It was her fault she was like this, but truthfully, she hadn't asked for it.

Unlike Renji, Tatsuki and even Ichigo, who seemed more blunt with their feelings, she was more like Byakuya and maybe even Orihime in how they internalized their pain and true feelings and held back from expressing their true self at times. She was good at dealing with other people's emotions perhaps, but not her own emotions in any way, shape or form, unless she was just too good at it to the point of locking them and her heart away. In other words, she was just running away from them? It wouldn't be the first time she had done it. In fact, that was something she hated about herself the most. She envied some of the others for their abilities to be so honest with themselves. Meanwhile, she was constantly running away, like a coward, because she was too afraid to be decisive. Just like back then. If she had went against Ukitake's words back then, Kaien might have hated her, but at least he'd still be alive, even if she wasn't, right?

Swallowing, she felt a lump in her throat from holding back her tears. It was painful, felt swollen and sore, but, no matter what, the tears just couldn't fall. She felt her anger rising, and yet somehow feeling numb at the same time, when she began slashing at her skin faster than before, more than ever, just to watch the blood dripping into the bathtub. At this point, she wasn't really thinking about what she was doing. All she knew was that she was angry at herself, and at the world, and so frustrated with everything. But it was better than taking it out on somebody else and getting them involved with her own personal and petty problems, especially since she knew it was all her fault anyway. It was her fault Ichigo's life had been thrown into turmoil and that he was constantly fighting hollows even though he should be enjoying life as a normal teen should be doing. It was her fault for being too damn weak to defeat the hollow back when she met Ichigo. It was her fault that Renji had stayed in the Rukongai district for so long, instead of honing his strength to get something far better out of life; she had held him back for so many years. She didn't want to get ahead of herself, but she didn't doubt that he might have even become a captain by now, if she hadn't met him. It was her who surely reminded Byakuya of Hisana every single day by just looking like her. Despite his cold aura, she could see the pain hidden in his eyes; she could see just how much hurt she had caused him. And even if indirectly, it was also her fault that Orihime and Chad had got caught up in her world and Uryu all the same.

She brought those around her nothing but misfortune, just by being around. Not to mention the pain she had caused Ganju and Kukaku by killing Kaien.

So she could never forgive herself. Should she even be here? She had been sent back to the world of the living for more hollow business, but perhaps she could stay at Urahara's instead. It would probably be better for Ichigo if she was involved with him and even his sisters as little as possible, right?

"Hey, Rukia? You gonna be out soon?" Ichigo's voice suddenly called out in question, from outside the door, startling Rukia as she heard him twisting the door knob to see if it was locked.

"Y-yeah!" Rukia squeaked, her heart skipping a beat, as she suddenly jerked the razor a bit to deep into her skin. But, assuming it probably wasn't deep enough to cause her to pass out, she didn't let the blood bother her.

"Dammit, thanks, Ichigo..." she hissed mockingly beneath her breath, her heartbeat erratic, hoping she didn't hear him. She immediately felt a bit of irrational and unprecedented irritation at the orange haired teen bubble up in her system.

"Knock instead of messing with the doorknob next time, you dolt! I'll be out in a minute, so don't rush me!" She growled at him, with unintentional hostility, as she used her hand that was holding the razor blade to reach over and unplug the bathtub and allow the blood-tinted water to drain out of the tub.

"Geez, I wasn't rushing you, so don't have to be so hostile! What's with you practically biting my head off lately?!" Ichigo retorted, obviously offended by her tone.

"...It's... nothing." Rukia then said after a minute, trying to regain her composure. "I'm just been going through a lot right now is all, Ichigo."

"I'll say..." she heard Ichigo muttered irritably from the other side of the door.

"...I said sorry. Anyway, is there something you wanted to tell me?" Rukia brought herself to ask, trying to be as nice as possible, knowing that it was her with the problem and not Ichigo.

Ichigo sighed, not bothering to point out that he could have had to use the bathroom that she was hogging up, but answered her question. "Yeah, I know it's a little early, but I think I'm gonna head on to school. I was wondering if you wanted to come on, or are you gonna wait a little longer?"

"...I'll probably be out in about five minutes." Rukia told him, using some toilet paper to wipe of her arm as much as possible, hastening to get her most recently injured arm wrapped up with bandages, before slipping on her grey long sleeve high school uniform jacket(or whatever that thing is called) to cover up her arms. She ignored her trembling arms and body, even though she felt a little unsteady on her legs. She hadn't really eaten much lately, so that was probably partially having an effect on her, on top of all the blood she a had just lost and was still losing to a degree. Cutting herself enough always caused her arms to feel shaky and weak afterward, so it wasn't like it was much different than any other time, though she might have cut a bit too much, but she couldn't focus on that right now. "If you don't wanna wait, you can go ahead and I'll catch up with you in a little while."

"...Well, if it's only five minutes, I guess I'll wait then." Ichigo said after a minute, sounding slightly concerned.

...

"Hey, Rukia..." Ichigo muttered, stopping to look back at Rukia, who was looking down at the sidewalk. She then responded to him gazing up at him to meet his gaze.

"What is it?" She asked.

"Are you... feeling alright?" He wanted to know, scrutinizing her. It was clear this time that he was worried.

"Yeah, why do you ask?" Rukia tried to act like everything was okay, and needless to say Rukia wasn't that bad of an actor, so she felt this would probably be easy to get out of, since Ichigo was pretty dense at times.

"Just wondering... You've been really quiet lately, and don't really talk to the others much anymore." Ichigo scratched the back of his head. He had never been that great at being sentimental, but for his friend, he would sure as hell, since nobody else was around. "Orihime and Karin has mentioned it to me as well. They're worried for you."

"Well I'm completely fine, Ichigo, so I'll probably have to clear that up with them. But, wow, how nice of you to be concerned for me, Ichigo. I had no clue you cared so much." Rukia smirked, obviously trying to mock him.

"Sh-shut up!" Ichigo retorted, feigning a glare. He didn't buy Rukia's words at all, and clearly remembered her saying she was going through a lot just about 15 minutes ago, but he decided he would trust Rukia and her decision, so left it at that. After all, she was one of the strongest people he knew. However, he wasn't done. And, apparently, Rukia wasn't as great of an actor as she thought she was, though she was a bit too nervous and jittery right now.

"Look," he sighed. "I'm not a mind reader, not to mention I suck at comforting people or knowing what to say to make others feel better a lot of times, but I'm not the type to just stand by and act like I don't notice when somebody is suffering either. This is the way I see it. You and I are friends and friendship is a mutual thing, so friends are supposed to share each other's pain to some degree, right?"

Ichigo looked at her with an awkward expression. "So even though I'll probably never be able to understand exactly what you're feeling, I'll always be here to at least listen when you decide to open up to me, kay? Because I care about you just like everybody else does."

Rukia's eyes were wide, and she just stood there for a moment. That's when she recalled something.

"Kuchiki-san, just remember that you always have people that you can lean on when you need somebody the most, even if you don't think you need them. Cause that's what friends are for," Urahara had once told her, "and it's not just Ichigo, either. You also have Inoue-san, Abarai-san, your captain, Matsumoto-san, Sado-san, Yoruichi, and even your brother and me. You might even be surprised how understanding Ishida-kun can be times too. So you're never alone."

Why does it hurt so bad...?

"...Thanks, Ichigo." Rukia gave a soft and pain filled smile.

"No problem. Now let's get to school, yeah...?" Ichigo smiled back, before turning back around.

"Yeah..." She wished more than anything she could rely on them, but the truth was... she had already betrayed them by taking it out on herself instead of trusting them. They would never forgive her if they knew. As she had considered before, Renji would be so angry if he found out what she had been doing to herself, and even Uryu, who didn't even have much connection with her aside technically from being Ichigo's friend, would probably be shocked, though most likely disgusted. And, again, her brother would be so disappointed in her for being so damn weak. After everything everybody had done for her... Hadn't she basically just been throwing it back in their face, by tearing up the person they had faught so much to save? Even though it wasn't like she had asked to be saved, she still...

She couldn't deal with the thought of it at all and began to hate herself even more.

"I'm sorry, Ichigo,... I just can't rely on you or anybody. This is my battle, and one I must face alone."

- Chapter end.

A/N: I hope it's okay so far. Please review if you will?... =w=