Okay… This Is My Depressing Fanfic… Hope Y'all Like It!!!

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Yu-Gi-Oh GX Or Any Of The Characters… If I Did Judai Would Be Very Feminine And Date Johan.

Pairing: JohanxJudai (JessexJaden)

Summary: Johan Leaves For Europe Not Realising How Distraught Judai Is. Causing The Brunette To Go To New Extremes.

Judai waved as his lover sailed away, teas fell from his eyes as reality hit him hard. He'd never see him again. Johan was gone…

The dock was now empty, no people, no passengers no boat. Nothing. The streams of tears continued to fall as more and more memories of their time together came flooding back. He sat down on the grass, still allowing tears to run down his tanned cheek.

He didn't know a certain blonde girl was watching him, she became worried, he was crying a lot, and Judai hardly ever cried. Nonetheless she decided it was best to leave him to himself for a while.

Xxx

"Hey Asuka! Where's Aniki?"

"Oh, hey Sho… He's still upset about Johan leaving…"

"You gotta admit, they were pretty perfect for each other."

"I agree…"

"Like me and you Asuka-chan!"

"SHUT IT JUN!"

The arguing went on for a little while longer, but they all fell silent when Judai walked in, his cheeks stained with tears. They all felt sorry for him, he's finally found somebody to love and cherish, and that person left.

"Hey Judai, how ya feeling? Any better?"

"Of course he's not you baka!"

"I thought I told you to SHUT IT!!"

Sho walked over to the brunette, "I never really know what to say in these type of situations… I just hope you're okay…"

Judai couldn't even manage a smile as he looked as his best friend. A few more tears fell as he thought of his friends all together only this time without Johan. He turned around and decided he needed some time alone. Sho watched him leave, and then turned to his other friends who were still arguing.

"HAVEN'T YOU EVEN NOTICED JUDAI LEFT?"

That shut them up. They all fell silent and guilt washed over them, they were so engrossed with their own conversations that they hadn't realised Judai left.

The brunette managed to make it back to the Slifer dorms without shedding another tear. But as soon as the door closed behind him, he broke into sobs. He began screaming and throwing things around. He gripped his hair and fell to his knees screaming his lover's name. Eventually all the screaming caused him to lose his voice, he had cried so much there was nothing left to cry, and he'd thrown so much his dorm was a tip.

He got up silently, and walked over to the bathroom. On the way he trod on some glass he had smashed, causing the small shards of glass to press deeply into the sole of the brunette's foot. He flinched and sat on the bed, looking at the glass currently poking out of his skin, small trickles of crimson liquid slid down his foot, which caused a surprisingly nice sensation for the teen.

The physical pain took away the emotional pain. For a little while Judai had forgotten the sorrow he was feeling, as he took the small shards out more pain ran through his foot and it felt… good. The teen looked at the small cuts in his foot and smiled, he tried to laugh but his voice had gone. For once in his life he was content with the pain he was feeling. It was a new sensation that filled the teen with a sort of happiness that was only witnessed by maniacs and people who are mentally unstable.

Maybe that was him, maybe now his lover and only good thing in his life were gone, he's crazy. Maybe the emotional pain proved too much for him and he was having a mental break down. But he didn't care; he took the small shard of glass out and held it in his fingers. His brown eyes focused on the small piece of glass and his mind wondered off into a dream space.

"Johan has gone Judai, face it you're worthless now…"

"Yeah we only hung around with you because Johan was here…"

"Get over it slacker…"

Judai snapped back into reality and wanted to rid himself of the pain that burdened him, only for a little while. He took the glass that was held between his fingers and pressed it against his wrist, his heart fought back, telling him that Johan would be mad at him for doing this, but he wasn't here… was he.

The brunette gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, then dragged the small shard along, pressing down with immense force. He felt the pain throb through that small area and it stung like hell. But it felt good; he opened one eye and looked down. His mind finally registered on what he was actually doing and he dropped the glass in shock. Blood. The thin trickles of crimson liquid ran down the sides of his arm and he knew he had to stop it.

But he didn't want to, the sight of blood comforted him somewhat. He knew it was wrong, if anyone found out they'd practically murder him for doing such a stupid thing.

Sighing, he got up and made his way to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and sighed. "I'm just going through a phase, I'll get over Johan soon…" his lover's name struck him and he felt like crying again. But he had to try and get over him; the brunette placed his arm underneath some cold water from the tap and watched the blood fade away. He pulled down his sleeve as far as it could go, just in case anybody came in.

He turned to his room again and decided he'd better clean up before anybody comes by. As he placed the things back, he picked up a photo frame that's were the glass had come from, the photo was his most recent of him and Johan.

The elder teen had his head resting on the brunettes and their fingers were interlocked. It sadden the brunette so much he gave up cleaning and held the photo close his heart, forgetting the glass would cut his hands a little and he began to sob again. Somehow a few tears managed to slip out, he sobs were raspy and made his sound like he'd cried forever, but none of that mattered to him. Eventually the crying and cleaning got to him; he fell asleep in the corner with the photo held close.

Little did he know who was walking down the path to his dorm. Asuka and Sho were both worried for their friend's safety. The girl was especially worried, she knew Judai inside out and knew Johan was VERY special to the brunette. As the two approached the door they couldn't hear him, and became even more worried, hoping he hadn't done anything stupid. Sho used his 'secret' key to get in and the two breathed a sigh of relief as they both saw the teen safe.

"Maybe we should clear up a little… Just to get one job off of his mind."

"Yeah I suppose."

The two whispered and began to clear up a little, Sho found the small pieces of glass and then looked at Judai, his arms wrapped round the photo protectively, as if it was his only memory of Johan. Sho sighed and walked to Asuka, who was currently in the bathroom, he stepped in the door and stopped when he saw he face.

Her eyes were wide and her mouth open a fraction, she seemed to be staring at the sink, but why? Sho walked over cautiously to the frozen blonde, and looked in the sink. He also became frozen as he saw what she must have. A faint layer of pink tinted the white enamel, it seemed to all be spiralling in one direction.

"Y-You don't th-think its bl-blood… do y-you?"

"I really don't know"

The two barely spoke above a whisper, why was there blood in the sink? That's when Sho remembered the glass on the floor; Judai must have gotten a small cut or something. That's it.

"Relax Asuka, Aniki must have cut himself on the glass from a photo frame."

"A-Are you sure?"

"Yeah, why else would that be there?"

The small teen gave her a reassuring smile as he walked out and into the brunette's main dorm. He focused on Judai's fingers, hoping there was some sort of cut. Luckily he saw a few gashes, only the size of a paper cut. He knew Judai wasn't stupid.

"Come on Asuka, let's go."

"Okay…"

They left Judai alone, they'd cleaned up a little and Asuka had washed the sink out. Both were content on Judai's safety, not realising what had really happened. When the door closed with a slight 'bang' the broken boy woke up, his chocolate-eye's fluttering open, when his vision was focused, he saw the room was cleared.

As he tried to get up, he noticed the photo in his arms. Looking at it brought him to a halt. I have to stop this, Johan is gone… and he's probably forgotten about me already. That thought saddened Judai even more.

He stood up and placed the photo on his desk. He stretched his arms over his head and caused the pull of muscles to open the wound again. He flinched and drew his arm into his chest. This had to be sorted.

Walking over to the bathroom he searched the cabinets for a bandage. Finally. As he wrapped the thin white cloth around his arm he looked at himself in the mirror. What am I doing? He shook his head of all thoughts and focused on meeting up with the others. He pulled down the sleeve of his jacket and took a deep breath.

His mind kept going back to the thin but deep line that now scarred his arm. Johan would kill me… the brunette stopped mid step and almost burst into tears again, as he looked to his left he saw the cliff that pointed towards the sea. Deciding he should take some time to himself, he walked closer to the edge of land and sat so his legs dangled dangerously off of the edge. As he looked out to the horizon the wind blew his hair and the teen allowed his mind to wander freely.

His memories came flooding back; as if it were a flashback of all the times he and Johan were together. A certain memory wouldn't leave the teen alone; one he had hoped wouldn't come back. Judai-chan… I love you!

He hadn't realised it, but a trail of salty water was left behind as a tear rolled down his face. That voice wouldn't leave him alone, the voice of his lover. He longed to hear it, to let it sooth him and send him somewhere else. Somewhere where love couldn't crush you and make you feel as if the world had ended.

But the voice he heard was memory, and there was no such place… not anymore. Judai had realised how late it had gotten, the sun began to set and it created a beautiful scene. It was at sunset when the two lover's shared their first kiss, and that was a memory Judai wanted to keep.

A few more silver lines painted the teen's face, but he didn't care, the wind blew his hair around and Judai wanted to do anything to rid himself of the pain that burdened him. He thought back to the cut on his arm, how it relieved him, how it made him feel happy for just a second. He knew it was wrong, disgusting in fact. But that's what it took, just to get rid of the pain.

He stood up and made his way back to the dorm, hoping nobody was nearby, as more thoughts of Johan slipped in and out of his mind his walk broke into a run, and more tears fell, blowing back through the wind. He was running from the pain, knowing when he got inside he could get rid of it, just for a while at least.

He slammed the door behind him; panting heavily he wiped the tears away from his face. Taking off his shoes, he asked himself is it worth it? Taking a deep breath he walked into the bathroom. There had to something sharp around here. He smirked when something sparkled out of the corner of his eye. A razor, Hassleberry must have left it when he moved out.

He took the blade and looked around, double-checking nobody would disturb him. He quietly closed the bathroom door and sat himself on the edge of the bath; rolling up his sleeve and taking off the bandage were the first steps. His brown eyes glazed over the scab already formed there, a horizontal line, not too far off his main vein. He swallowed hard, and brought the blade vertical, crossing the previous cut.

As the ripped the skin, he screamed. Blood oozed out, large rivers flowing down, making stains on the white porcelain and on his jeans. His arm was a mess, but it felt so good, he wanted more, just one more. Bringing the bloody blade to his wrist he cut again, away from the others, but this time lighter, but more painful. He scratched the blade along, pain bursting every time the cool metal hit his torn skin.

His arm was completely red. And he panicked; he dropped the blade instantly and stuck his crimson arm underneath the tap. Turning it on full blast he attempted to clear the blood away. He snatched a bandage from the cabinet and attempted to warp his arm, was the small amount of pleasure worth this?

His head began to spin, his vision a little blurry. He had to sort this out quick, once the bandage was done, he turned off the tap and turned to the bath, grabbing some toilet paper he began to scrub the pink tint that stained the white ceramics. He used anything he could find, soap, shampoo, even some spit. He panted heavily, most of it was gone, and all that was left was a small tint of pink that was barely recognizable as blood.

He took a deep breath and headed for his bed, just a small lie down should set his head straight. As he walked towards the bed he saw something move, turning his head rapidly he saw himself. Just a mirror… even Johan said I was too paranoid. Once again his mind turned back to the European angel.

He looked sadly at himself, pitying the fool who stood in front of him. His eyes widened when he noticed the dark red patch almost covering his entire thigh. SHIT! The brunette ripped the jeans off went to grab another pair. He was relived when he looked back in the mirror. Just like he used to be, he tried his best to smile, but he couldn't… there was nothing to smile about.

Looking at the clock it was 9:42 pm. A reasonable time to go to sleep, there was nothing better do to anyway. Hopefully by morning the blood will have gone. As he got undressed his memories plagued him again, the teen cried himself to sleep as more and more memories of his lover flooded his mind. During the night, the brunette tossed and turned, muttering words like 'no' and 'don't leave me'. Unfortunately for Judai he was experiencing nightmares, about Johan.

It was cold and dark; the moon was full which gave the place an eerie feel. Judai was stood alone in the middle of a meadow he was confused and lonely. He called his lovers name, again. A few tears began to drop down his face, as the first tear dropped onto the ground it caused a ripple effect, the entire scene turned into darkness. The boy stood there in complete awe as everything around him turned black and died. He could only see grey and black, as he looked further into the distance he saw a white outline of a figure, Johan's figure. The teen screamed his name over and over, only to hear nothing. The figure turned whole, and Judai saw Johan standing in front of him, tears fell from his chocolate eyes as he tried to run and embrace the elder teen, but Johan stopped him mid step and looked at Judai coldly. "I don't love you anymore Judai, I never did. You were a simple mistake and I only left for Europe so I didn't have to break the news to your face. You're worthless to me, a nothing." Judai made no sound, no movement. Tears strolled off his face in countless numbers; he didn't believe what he had just said. Johan didn't love him? "N-No, no… You told me! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!" Johan's ice cold eyes looked straight into the watery brown one's, not showing any hint of emotion. "I lied, you're not perfect… you're nothing."

Judai woke up screaming and covered in a cold sweat. His heart was racing and he was panting heavily. He was shaking slightly as he tried to figure out what had happened. I-I'm not p-perfect enough? He looked down at his figure; he was slimmer than Asuka he was tanned (not that bright orange plastic tan, but a he had a sun-kissed glow). He had the legs any girls would be jealous of and hair was always silky and fluffy. What's wrong with me? Am I not skinny enough? In all fairness, Judai was underweight already. Even though he ate a monstrous amount he never seemed to put a pound on.

He didn't need to lose weight; in fact if he lost any more he would be seriously underweight. The only thing that was not beautiful about him, were the newly formed scars. Once again, tears managed to find their way out of his eyes, he tried to stop them, but there was no point they'd keep coming back.

He wanted to scream, to throw things around meaninglessly and to hit somebody. All this anger built up inside of him, and eventually it was drenched in sorrow and self-pity. He cried silently, begging the sun to stay down and never let the night end so he wouldn't have to face his 'friends'.

Friends my ass! They haven't come to see me once… okay Asuka and Sho did, but they cleaned up the LEFT! Everybody leaves, they all lie, the leave me to slowly die in my own blood.

Part of it was true. He knew he was over exaggerating but this is how he felt, his mind fought 'it's a phase, it'll pass' while his heart played 'he's gone, just give up and die'. It was a lose-lose situation. If he forgot about Johan or gave up and killed himself, knowing his luck the blunette would come back.

Judai managed to get himself out of bed, he looked on his cell phone and realised he had a message. As he read it his eyes grew wide, this was not fair!

Hey Judai-chan,

I heard Johan left you… poor thing.

Listen I know it sounds weird but

Since you no longer date that

Green haired bastard, I was

Wondering if you'd like to date me.

Love you loads.

Edo.

"N-No… I belong to J-Johan-kun…" Judai had gotten in to believing that he was Johan's property. And he wanted to keep it that way, what way to children make it known to others that a certain thing belongs to them? They label it; write their name on it.

Judai was so shocked he could hardly think. He was Johan's and nobody else's, how dare Edo say something like that! What if the others thought this as well, just because he's gone doesn't mean I'm not his! I BELONG TO JOHAN AND NO-ONE ELSE AND I'LL PROOVE IT!

Judai was mentally unstable; in all this depression he hadn't eaten for two days and had made unsightly scars on his arm. The brunette ran into the bathroom and grabbed the silver and dark red razor blade, he sat on the floor and lifted the hem of his boxers, just enough to reveal some more leg.

As tears poured out of his eyes, like a never-ending stream, he cut into the newfound flesh. The cuts were different this time. The first was shaped like a 'J', and the pattern went on… O.H.A.N.

Eventually when the blade had sliced his leg into bits, he breathed deeply and tried to stand. Of course when you've just carved someone's name into your leg and it's bleeding so much you can't actually make out the cut itself, you're bound to feel dizzy.

Judai's head began to spin, his vision blurry and his leg had gone numb from the amount of pain the passed through it. The blood lost caused the brunette to collapse; his head hit the side of the bath as he fell.

Judai lay very still, his leg soaked in blood, the razor still in his hand. This was bad, very bad.

His friends were getting worried when Judai hadn't shown up for dinner last night; he wasn't at breakfast this morning either. It wasn't like Judai to miss out of a meal let alone TWO meals. Asuka and Sho looked at each other, worry both showing in their facial features.

"Maybe we should check on him… it's been a while."

"Yeah, I'll come with you…"

"Well Asuka-chan I have a phone on me so if you need me call!"

"What did I say yesterday Jun?"

"… I like your smell?"

"SHUT IT!!"

Asuka and Sho left the cafeteria and headed for the Slifer dorm. They walked along silent, neither of them really knowing what to say in a tense moment like this. Asuka was the first to reach the door, and found it opened with ease; Judai was always careless when it came to simple things like locking the door.

She walked in carefully, hoping the place was still clean. It was, although the bed covers seemed to be thrown on the floor. The blonde girl stepped in further, allowing Sho to come in as well; he searched the bunks and asked Asuka to check the bathroom. She was a little hesitant, but agreed.

Her scream was loud, her tears fell freely and her body froze. Sho came running to her side but fell to his knees and almost threw up at the sight of all that blood. Being the brave girl she was, she ran into the bathroom and knelt down besides the unconscious and bleeding teen, she placed the brunettes head on her lap and stroked it gently. At the same time she had whipped out her cell and passed it to Sho.

"Hey Asuka-chan what's u-"

"JUN GET DOWN HERE KNOW AND BRING HASSLEBERRY WITH YOU!"

"Why, what's happened?"

"YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU GET HERE! GET HERE NOW!"

"Oka-"

The phone was hung up before the rich raven could answer back; he grabbed Hassleberry and sprinted to the Slifer dorms, what ever happened must have been BIG. As the two ran along the path to the red dorm they saw Sho waiting outside the door, his face shone as if it were wet.

Jun and Hassleberry made it to the dorms and were both panting heavily, Sho didn't say a word but ran inside and pointed to the bathroom. The two looked in carefully, not sure what they should be expecting. Their eyes widened and they were horrified to see Judai lying on Asuka's lap with blood coating his right leg.

Asuka had tears steaming down her eyes whilst stroking the boy's fluffy brown hair and humming a sweet lullaby. The dino teen walked into the bathroom besides Asuka, he placed a hand on her shoulder and said that Judai had to be taken to the infirmary. She agreed and let the boy's head fall.

Hassleberry picked the teen up, he was slightly surprised at his weight, and Judai was as light as a feather. The blood on his leg had dried and stopped, they four ran back to the academy hoping that Judai was okay. Asuka burst in and asked for an emergency nurse, as the doctor ran around frantically dino-boy and the others came in.

A female nurse took Hassleberry and Judai to a spare room. The dino-teen placed his 'sarge' on the bed and was shoved aside by medics of all sorts, he was then pushed out of the room and into the corridor, his mind was still in shock, and he hadn't fully registered the event.

Jun and the others came running up to him, asking about Judai and wondering if their friend was okay.

"I don't know I was pushed out of the room."

"I wonder why he did that?"

"…"

"You guys are so stupid, isn't it obvious?"

"…Umm… well…"

"He's broken down, his emotions have gotten too high and he's feeling lost and alone…"

"Why?"

"DUH! Because Johan left…"

The boy's listen carefully to the blonde's words and all nodded slowly in agreement. But why would he go to such extremes? Nobody knew the answer to that. All four of them waited patiently in the corridor as the nurses and doctors worked their magic on their emotionally broken friend.

It seemed like forever until a nurse came out, she looked tires and had a grim look on her face. The four began to worry, she looked up and wiped her forehead, when her eyes made contact with the friends she smiled.

"He'll be fine"

Those words flew into their ears and they all sighed in relief, they were about to ask if they could see Judai, but the doctor coming out, also looking tired interrupted them.

"Oh, Hello!"

"C-Can we see Judai Please?"

"I'm afraid I need to ask you a few questions first…"

"A-A few questions?"

"Yes… Follow me please"

They were all a little reluctant to move, but Jun went and walked behind the man in the white coat. As the four entered a room that resembled a hospital, they all became a little uncomfortable as the doctor sat on a large revolving chair. (Like you see in James Bond films….–strokes pet cat evilly-

"Okay… I'm only going to ask a few questions, they're going to help me in trying to figure out why a boy like him would such a thing…"

"Umm… okay…"

"First: has he ever done this sort of thing before?"

"Not to our knowledge…"

"Okay…"

He seemed to write something down on a clipboard.

"Second: is he being bullied or picked on by someone?"

"No, the reason that he's like this is because he misses someone that he held close…"

"…Johan?"

"Ye- how do you know?"

"You see, his leg was bleeding badly because of several deep gashes he had made. These cuts were formed to make writing… the word was Johan."

Asuka, Sho, Jun and Hassleberry gasped in unison. Judai was a lot more depressed than they had first anticipated. And Johan was the cause of this depression; Jun became angry at the blunette. He was never close to Judai, but he was still a friend.

Okay, first Chappy up!

Hope you all liked it!

I'm gonna do another Chapter soon… Hold On!