THE BIG MATCH
If there was one thing Shuichi Saihara didn't want to look like, it was a stereotypical Japanese tourist. Hanging around around some notorious tourist trap with a group of other Japanese people, spending all your time taking photos of each other in front of well-known monuments rather than actually looking at them, being totally dependent on your tour guide because none of you can speak the local language – all that was a relic of the past. It was for uncool, old people.
When he and Kaede went abroad, he had always thought, it would be different.
"So…what do you think of London so far?" asked Kaito Momota, as they sat together on the steps of Trafalgar Square eating their packed lunches and watching the crowds swarming around Nelson's Column and the National Gallery. A knot of people at the foot of the fourth plinth were staring up at the newly-installed giant pink "Kiss Me Quick" hat by Tracey Emin. It stood out against the clear blue sky like the proverbial sore thumb.
"Great!" said Shuichi. "Although I think we would have struggled in the Gallery without the Japanese-language audio guide. You would have had to translate stuff for us constantly."
"Hey, Shuichi," said Kaede, sitting next to him, brandishing her mobile phone. "Look at this picture of you outside Buckingham Palace – you got completely distracted by that pigeon taking off next to you! It's so funny!"
"Well, they're so noisy when they do that, love. Can you blame me?"
Kaito chuckled with relief. Shuichi and Kaede were the first visitors he'd had from Japan in all the months he'd been in the UK, and he'd been anxious that they enjoy the experience.
"Well, just let me know if you need anything more from me. Nothing is too good for bros of…KAITO MOMOTA…LUMINARY OF THE STARS!" He boomed it out unexpectedly, and rather loudly. However, since he wasn't speaking English, and since the British have a national phobia about loud people in public places who might embarrass them, it didn't draw as many glances from the passing crowd as it would have done back home.
"Kaito," said Maki, from the other side of Kaito. "Didn't we talk about catchphrases when we moved here? That's all part of the past now. The Killing Game's over, you've been up to the International Space Station – we aren't celebrities anymore. We're just a banker and his girlfriend. Just normal people."
Kaito leaned over and kissed Maki's luxuriant black locks. "Aw, shucks, sorry, Maki Roll. You know I just get excited sometimes and forget myself. I mean, we've got our friends here, we're showing them around our new home – isn't that cool?"
She smiled. "Yeah, I suppose it is."
"We really appreciate you inviting us over, Maki," said Kaede, hurriedly. "It's nice to get out of Japan for a bit. Things have been a little bit crazy back there, you know. For a while, neither of us could get out of the house without running into reporters. Or overjoyed fans. Or angry ones."
Shuichi rolled his eyes. "Urgh! It was like being the only topic, every day, on the maddest internet forum you ever saw…no-one could agree about anything, everyone had a point of view and random people were just venting their opinions at you. "You ruined Danganronpa!", "You're a hero to do what you did!", "Meh, after 52 seasons that show sucked anyway, good work!" It took months before I was in a state to get back to work with my uncle, or Kaede could get back to playing."
"But it is starting to calm down now," added Kaede.
"Wow," said Maki. "Maybe a space base in the middle of the jungle in French Guiana actually was the best place to be, then." She felt a twinge of guilt, since that was not the opinion she had expressed to Kaito at the time. Especially after the French Foreign Legion commander told her his men couldn't keep practicing Mixed Martial Arts with her, because she was injuring them too badly.
Kaito swallowed the last of his Coke and stood up again. "Hey now, enough of this depressing talk!" he declared, spreading his arms wide. "You two are here to enjoy yourselves! What does everyone want to do this afternoon?"
Kaede had a plan. "I'd like to go to the Victoria and Albert Museum. Someone told me they have some great old pianos and harpsichords in their collection and I'd really like to see them."
"Oh, great," said Maki. "I've not visited there yet, so I don't mind going too."
"Ah," said Kaito. "Well, Maki Roll, that might mean we have to split up, because I happen to know Shuichi is really keen to visit Covent Garden. So, of course, I'll have to accompany him, like a good host." He looked over at Shuichi and winked, none too subtly. "Isn't that right?"
"Ah…oh…er, yes, of course!" replied Shuichi hastily, suddenly remembering a conversation he'd had with Kaito earlier that morning. "It's the London Transport Museum, you know. I hear they have some really interesting old buses…and trams…and train carriages. You know, stuff like that."
"Wait, what?" said Kaede. "You never mentioned any of that to me! Old buses…since when have you been interested in those?"
"Well…you don't know everything about me," shrugged Shuichi. "I have hidden depths."
Kaede put her hands on her hips and gave him a suspicious look, but Maki seemed oddly unflustered by the whole thing.
"Don't worry, Kaede – I'm sure Kaito and Shuichi will be fine. We can agree a time and place to meet up later, and get over to the Museum by Tube."
Rather reluctantly, Kaede agreed to split up and meet back at the Square at 6 pm. She was sure she wasn't getting the whole story here. Shuichi was, and always had been, a transparently bad liar, and Kaito wasn't much better.
"Maki," she whispered, as they walked across the Square towards the entrance to the tunnel over to Charing Cross Station, "what on Earth was that all about? They aren't really going to that museum."
"Oh, no, of course not," said Maki. "Although I'm not sure what they are doing. Still, you know what?"
"What?" asked Kaede, confused.
"Well, they don't know what we're actually going to do either."
Kaito and Shuichi walked swiftly along the Strand, away from the Square. The crowds thinned out a bit, although not much. It was still London at the weekend, and people were out shopping and sight-seeing in force, swarming on the pavements.
"Heh, d'you think we fooled 'em?" asked Kaito.
"Well, to be honest…I'm not sure we did," said Shuichi. He had never thought of himself as a past master of the art of bluffing and Kaede and Maki hadn't been born yesterday either.
Kaito punched him in the shoulder. "Oh, come on! Have some confidence in my plans! What would you rather do on an afternoon like this – trail round some dusty old museum or meet up with me and my bros to watch Japan play Poland in the World Cup and go through to the last 16?"
"Well, whatever I do, I like to do it with Kaede if possible…couldn't we have asked them along? Or just told them that we were going to watch the match?"
Kaito shook his head. "Dude! Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude…it truly saddens me to hear you say these things. Maki hates football. Kaede…well, she's never shown any interest in it. They both want to go to the museum. They both want to go with their boyfriends. Take my word for it, chicks prefer having their boyfriends by their side. They'll take it personally if we won't go with them just because we want to do our own thing. Really, this is the only solution."
"Really? I really don't think Kaede's like that, you know," said Shuichi.
"Look! There's the pub!" said Kaito, ignoring him and pointing in the direction of an improbably gaudy looking Victorian gin palace, sitting in the middle of a row of shops like a fake jewel hanging on a cheap pendant.
The sign read "The Fox and Grapes", and running over the whole width of the wall above the sign was a mosaic showing both those things, just in case you were illiterate. Between the mosaic strip and the roof was a strip of yellow brickwork with "BEER * WINE* SPIRITS" on it in red, for those who could read but didn't get what a pub was all about.
"Truly a fitting place to spend an afternoon for KAITO MAMOTA…DRINKER IN THE BARS!" Kaito declared loudly. This time people did look at him, even though they hastily glanced away rather than meet his gaze. "Come on, let's go in!"
Meanwhile, Kaede and Maki spent a couple of hours going around the V. & A., and they could easily have spent more if they'd wanted to, in spite of the limited provision of information for those not fluent in English. Kaede got openly misty-eyed in the presence of some 19th century Bechsteins, Maki gave Kaede a detailed run-down on the various suits of armour, swords and antique firearms in the weapons gallery and, overall, they thoroughly enjoyed themselves.
"You know," said Kaede. "I think coming here without the boys wasn't a bad idea after all. With all the fuss since the Killing Game ended, I haven't had the chance to get out much with anyone but Shuichi."
"Oh, I agree," said Maki. "Kaito would have been bored as anything by this, and he wouldn't have been able to keep it quiet. Now, if it had been the Science Museum, that would have been much more his sort of thing. I'm sure that's why he's taken Shuichi off wherever they've gone – just to do something he prefers doing."
Maki's mobile phone buzzed, and she glanced down at it. "That's him now, actually. "Enjoying London Transport Museum with S. Lovin' those horse-drawn omnibuses!" He's still keeping up the pretence."
Kaede giggled. "I don't get it. Why couldn't they just explain what they wanted to do? I'd probably have been OK with it they had."
Maki shrugged. "Kaito's still kind of immature when it comes to understanding relationships. I mean, it's not as if you get a lot of experience of them as an assassin either, but even so...I think he has this idea that we have to do everything together."
"Boys can be so weird sometimes. I've no idea why someone as clever as Shuichi would go along with such a silly thing."
They started to walk down a long corridor together, back towards the entrance of the Museum, through a constant stream of people heading the other way.
"Kaito just has this charisma about him – he's a force of nature. He can sweep you along with him wherever he's going, almost whether you want to or not. I can't tell you the number of times he's done it to me. It can be really difficult sometimes to make him stop and listen to reason, almost exhausting."
"Jeez…that doesn't sound like a lot of fun. I thought relationships were all about good communication and stuff."
Maki chuckled. "Yeah, sounds like we read the same self-help books. But at least with Kaito, if he's on your side and he wants to go where you do, he'll take you there, no question. He's like one of the great rivers. He can make your life easier in a hundred ways or he can completely wreck it, and it's a constant struggle to channel him in the right direction."
"Oh my God, that sounds kind of scary! I'm not sure I'd know where to start with that!"
"It's not for everyone, that's for sure…OK, we're back at the entrance now. Do you want to go and explore a bit more of the Museum?"
Kaede stifled a yawn. "You know what, Maki, I'm not sure I do. I'm kind of tired out now. And it's so hot. Is there anywhere we can go and have a sit down?"
Maki grinned. "I was hoping you would say that! I know a pub not far from here, and I think it'd be a perfect place to put our feet up and have a few glasses of wine. Like I said earlier, the guys don't know what we're doing, and if they don't have to tell us…"
"That's a great idea! It's so hot in here and my throat's really dry. We'd better be careful, though – we don't want to give the game away to Shuichi and Kaito…"
Kaito's "bros" at The Fox and Grapes turned out to be several other young Japanese guys from the trading desk he worked on at the City branch of Kaneshiro Bank. The pub's cavernous interior was fairly empty apart from them and they had persuaded the gloomy Lithuanian barman, who had no skin in the game so far as the World Cup was concerned, to put Japan v. Poland on the big screen. He'd even agreed to put some appropriately themed songs on the jukebox, which was currently blaring out "Fitba' Crazy" by Robin Hall and Jimmie MacGregor.
"That old Irish folk music is the best!" said Kaito.
The men were seated around a couple of tables close to the screen, getting stuck into bottles of Kirin beer or vodka and tonics and chattering excitedly. As with most men who spend their working week shut in an office, they weren't wearing ties, just so everyone knew it was a party.
Kaito introduced Shuichi around, and Shuichi was relieved to find that whilst there were a couple of inevitable comments about having seen him on TV, Kaito's colleagues didn't treat him like a celebrity. Apart from the football, their main subject of conversation seemed to be the level of the yen against the dollar and the state of the Tokyo Stock Market. Those weren't things Shuichi knew or cared much about, but at least he could smile and nod as other people talked about them.
The problem with not talking much in a bar, though, is that it leaves you with more time to drink. With everyone buying rounds of drinks for each other and the oppressive heat, Shuichi soon found he had drunk more beer than he was counting on. He started to feel a bit light-headed and woozy. More worryingly, he was actually finding finance jokes genuinely funny.
Just as well, really – the football wasn't providing much entertainment. Shuichi wasn't exactly well-informed on that either, but it seemed so…slow. The men in blue seemed to be positively strolling around the pitch.
"AARRRGH! COME ON JAPAN!" yelled Kaito in frustration, banging a fist down on the table. "Why haven't you scored five goals already against these sausage-eating blondies? GET INTO THEM!"
Shuichi chuckled. "Hey, Kaito, tone it down! I do have a blonde girlfriend, remember?"
He was joking, but Kaito looked genuinely upset. "Oh! Er…right, sorry, bro. No offence meant! But I just can't get over how badly Japan are playing!"
"Maybe it's strategy," said one of the banking guys, with a knowing air. "You know, a bit of attrition. Wear them down in the first half, then strike back after the break."
"I dunno," replied Kaito, dubiously. "To me, it just seems like they don't have much fighting spirit. You don't win matches without attacking! Take on the other team and push into their half!"
"Well, actually…" began the banking guy, but fortunately, before he could start giving everyone the benefit of his questionable expertise, the whistle blew for half-time and everyone suddenly found that they had drinks to buy or needed to go to the toilet. Glancing over in the direction of the bar, Kaito's eye fell on the fruit machine up against the wall next to it. He wandered over and slapped its side with his hand.
"Can you imagine how many coins this bad boy has in it?"
"Oh, no," muttered Shuichi, to himself. He had been going to switch to Coke or something, but rapidly decided he was probably going to need another beer.
Ten minutes later…
"GAH! STUPID MACHINE!" Kaito hammered at its buttons as, once again, the fruit machine swallowed his change and declined to pay out anything in return. Various lights flashed and electronic bleeps sounded, and the barman was starting to look in Kaito's direction with some concern. If that machine got damaged, his manager would go nuts. First Brexit, now this…the UK was really not all it was cracked up to be.
Shuichi decided an intervention was needed. Finishing the last of his beer, he got up and wandered over to Kaito, a little less steady on his feet than he would really have liked. Without really thinking about it, he draped an arm around his friend's shoulders and brought his face close to Kaito's.
"Hey, what's the problem, bro?"
"Ugh, I just can't get lucky on this thing!"
"Come on, you studied higher maths to become an astronaut. You do know fruit machines are always rigged to make sure the punter never wins too often, right? Luck's got nothing to do with it. The odds are always in favour of the house."
Kaito grimaced. "Yeah, I know. I hate losing, though. You know Maki won't let me anywhere near a fruit machine or an arcade machine when she's around? She says she doesn't want me taking stupid risks with our money."
"Really? Surely you aren't that short of money."
"Well, I don't think Maki likes risk. It scares her, reminds her too much of the times she had to take crazy risks with her life just to do her job. Not to mention the Killing Game, of course. She still wakes up in the middle of the night crying sometimes, you know. Bad dreams."
"That's not great."
"No. If she ever comes across as bossy, Shuichi, you've got to remember how scared she is underneath sometimes."
"Hey, don't worry. I don't think Maki comes across that way at all. Come on, let's sit down and have another beer, before you run out of money to buy it with."
Shuichi, arm still around Kaito's shoulders, steered him back to his seat. The second half was about to begin – surely now was the time for Japan to take control of the match…
"…and then the binmen told me that if there was even one grain of rice or a single teabag in that recycling bin, they didn't have to empty it at all!" said Maki. "Can you believe that?"
"Oh, my God!" said Kaede. "This country is so weird sometimes!"
They were sitting opposite each other across a small table in a fairly busy South Kensington bar, getting stuck into a bottle of dry white wine. The wine glasses seemed very large to Kaede, although Maki assured her that this was quite normal in bars round here. No wonder the British had a reputation for drinking, thought Kaede.
"It's like Kaito," replied Maki. "It's not for everyone. I mean, back home you have the stereotype of the British being really polite and charming and restrained. Sometimes that's all true, but then you can be walking down the street and see drivers cut each other up and shout abuse at each other, or a couple of drunks start fighting or nearly get run over by some kid riding down a crowded pavement on his cycle, even though that's supposed to be illegal. The good thing about Britain is that people mind their own business and you get left to do your own thing a lot of the time. And, well… that's the bad thing, as well."
Kaede sighed and took another sip of wine. "That's a shame. I suppose no country can live up to its reputation all the time. What do the British think about us?"
"That we're Chinese. I'm not kidding, so many people would have thought I was if I didn't tell them otherwise. And that we all know martial arts."
"But, Maki, you do know martial arts!"
"Shut up, that's not the point! I happen to, but I might not have. And, you know what, the guy who thought I did, thought I would know judo. Cause it's Japanese. I'm a retired professional killer, you know, not an old lady! Hey, stop laughing!"
Kaede started to giggle. "Hee...hee…hee…Hey, Maki, did you…did you ask that guy… if he wanted to die?"
"Goddamn it! You…I'll…" But what Maki would have done is lost to history, because she started giggling too. Both of them rocked back and forth on their chairs for a while, wracked with fits of laughter. Other customers nearby glanced over at them, but the pair barely noticed.
"Maki…" spluttered Kaede, when they both finally stopped. "I…I think this wine has really gone to my head…I'm feeling kind of light-headed…perhaps we should just stop now."
"Ah, no, don't be such a party pooper, Kaede! Let's finish this bottle at least…we've got time." Suddenly, Maki's phone clattered into life as a message arrived. She grabbed it up and poked at the buttons.
"Oh, it's the World Cup! Apparently Japan have lost to Poland one-nil, but they're going through to the next round anyway."
"Really? How does that even work? I never understood soccer anyway. It seems so boring to me, Shuichi's a big fan, th-" Kaede stopped abruptly, and looked at Maki.
"They're watching the match!" they said in unison.
The final whistle blew, and whilst the viewers in the Fox and Grapes weren't exactly holding their heads in their hands and fighting back the tears, there was an atmosphere of disappointment. The team had lost, and yet, somehow, won, and no-one was exactly sure how to react.
"Well, we got through to the knockout stage," said the football expert from earlier. "That's what really matters, isn't it? I don't see why everyone's so disappointed."
"Yeah, but that's not the way it's supposed to happen," said Kaito, angrily. His index finger jabbed the air as he illustrated his point. "You're supposed to win fair and square, not lose but then get through on some half-assed fair play rule! That makes no sense! For the last ten minutes, no-one was even bothering to attack, they were just kicking the ball around between themselves and waiting for time to run out. That's not what football's all about!"
The football expert shrugged. "If you achieve what you set out to achieve under the rules, that is winning fair and square. At least, it is in my book."
Kaito shook his head silently. "Well, not in mine."
Shuichi's wooziness had steadily increased as time went by, but even so he could detect the awkwardness. Perhaps it was time to go, before a serious argument started. He leaned over the table to Kaito, and murmured, "You know, we'd better get going soon, or we'll be late meeting the girls."
"Yeah, I know," sighed Kaito. He glanced at his watch though. "Let's have one more for the road though. You know, drink to the team's future victory over Belgium!"
Shuichi nodded.
When Shuichi and Kaito wandered back into Trafalgar Square, past St-Martin's-in-the-Fields, the sun was slowly but inexorably sliding down the western sky, although still a long way off the horizon, and the shadows were getting longer. They were arm in arm, although this was not just a gesture of mutual affection. Neither was completely steady on their feet, and Shuichi in particular was feeling in need of some support.
"You should be careful about drinking so much, you know," slurred Kaito. "It all depends on body mass. You're not as big as I am."
Shuichi didn't reply. Then, he noticed two familiar figures amongst the thinning crowds in the Square, one blonde and one dark-haired. They were sitting back on the steps where the quartet had eaten earlier, and they too seemed to be leaning up against each other for mutual support and holding hands. The long twintail on one side of Maki's head was hanging down over Kaede's shoulder, whilst she was resting her head on Maki's shoulder.
"Look, they're over there!" said Shuichi, and the pair walked over to the steps as quickly as their shaky legs would allow.
"Hey! It's those boys!" yelled Maki, as soon as they got within earshot, and nudged Kaede in the ribs. "Wake up, sleepy-head!"
"Shuichi!" cried Kaede. She got up, ran over towards them and tripped over her own feet about half-way, but by a heroic effort, managed to stop herself from falling over and staggered into her boyfriend's arms. Shuichi nearly fell over backwards himself with the unexpected extra weight, but fortunately Kaito put his hand between his friend's shoulder blades to stop this.
"Oof! Kaede!" said Shuichi. "What's going on? And why do you smell of wine? I thought you'd been at the Museum!"
"Never mind that!" Kaede beamed up at Shuichi drunkenly. "Why do you shmell of beer? Admit it, you haven't been at the Transhport Museum at all, you naughty boy! You've both been watching Japan play football in shome pub or other!"
"Er…ah…er…of course, not!" stammered Shuichi, his cheeks flushing bright red. Kaito looked equally embarrassed. In the background, Maki was now lying on her back on the step they had been sitting on, roaring with laughter.
"Maki Roll!" cried Kaito. "You too!"
"Hey, don't be shuch a big hypo…hypokit…hypocrite, Kaito!" said Kaede. "You two went off and did what you wanted, and sho did we! You both owe us an apology!"
Her grin broadened as she stared dreamily up into Shuichi's eyes. She stage whispered, "But if you play your cardsh right, baby, I can make your apology the most enjoyable you've ever made!"
Shuichi's face grew even redder, but even alcohol, embarrassment and a sudden rush of lust couldn't totally faze the Ultimate Detective. He kissed Kaede on the cheek and murmured into her ear:-
"Let's talk about that when we get back, love, not here. It's someone else's home, so we might have to try and keep the noise down, you know."
Kaede giggled happily.
Meanwhile, Kaito was helping Maki to her feet. "Look at the two lovebirds over there," she said. "It's so cute!"
"It won't be so cute when their hangovers kick in later on," he replied. "Evening hangovers are much worse than morning ones!"
She leaned over and kissed his neck. "So why did you go drinking in the afternoon, then? Hey, we're both too drunk now, but you do realise we're going to have to have a Grown-Up Conversation about all this later. Maybe even A Talk About The Relationship."
"Oh, shit! Well, I guessed that was probably coming. Can it include why you and Kaede decided getting completely wasted was a mature response to the whole situation, then?"
She slapped his bottom affectionately. "Hey, you're getting too good at this stuff! Come on, spaceman, let's go home!"
"Ha! You know that's no obstacle for…KAITO MOMOTA…DRIVER OF THE CARS!"
There was a stunned silence.
"What the hell, Kaito? We came on the Underground! And you're too drunk to drive anyway!"
"Well, it rhymes, Maki Roll."