Jim & Squidward; A Spongebob Story Part 1
Jim monologue: the year was 1988. I was 15 years old and I got a part time job at a new restaurant called "The Krusty Krab" it was this new place ran by a money hungry ex navy man Eugene Krabs. When I first met him, i first thought he was a man filled with drive. He was about 26 years old and you could tell the man was ready to take on the business world. A few months after the grand opening we were a hit. People came from all over to taste the goodness of the secret recipe. unfortunately, I'm not allowed to disclose that information with you. Anyways, I became fry cook. Keep in mind, i had absolutely 0 experience doing it. But I learned very quickly due to the assistance of Eugene. Anyways, we had a big staff, the place was busy and Krabs paid us well. Krabs was a generous man, but then the year 1993 hit. The business was still booming, but there was a bigger issue. Krabs started going crazy, he started to drink a lot on the job. he started to get really cheap, many of the staff left. thats when squidward came. squidwards story is a sad one, despite that we got really close. going into 94, the business was still great, but then the fall happened. a batch of krabby patties got fucked up due to a fuck up on the secret recipe by your truly. After that, people got sick, people went to the hospital and Krabs had a lawsuit on his hands. The lawsuit fucked things up. 94-96 was a rough time for the place. there was little business and krabs was a prick. That's when i stopped looking up to the man. shortly after, squidward and i did something that changed our lives. it all started in the fall of 1996
(Krusty Krab, Squidward in his boat and Jim talking to him through the window in the kitchen)
Jim: Squidward, what the hell are we doing here?
Squidward: I'm just waiting for my clarinet career to take off, man
Jim: But what if it doesn't? you need something to fall back on and Didnt you tell me that one dude ruined it?
Squidward: He did, but i still have the talent
Jim: I'm not saying you dont, what i am saying is you and i could run a place like this, better than this. a place with class
Squidward: Please, every place has more class than this fucking place
Jim: Ya know, it's the fucking 90s and we're making what workers made in the 50s.
Squidward: ya know what, you're right. Let's go into Krabs' office and tell him to suck our dicks.
(Krabs in his office watching porn on a slow ass computer)
Krabs: wow, only took 2 minutes to load 5 seconds of this video. That must be a world record, thats all i need to cum
(squidward and jim walk in)
Krabs: ahhh, i wasnt watching porn i was…..i was a waiting for that new Weezer album to download
Squidward: yah fuck you
Krabs: what?
Jim: eugene, squid and i have been talking. We are sick and tired of your bullshit. If i wanted to make 58 cents on the hour, i'd help my grandma and grandpa move.
Squidward: i could barely afford studio time to record my jazz ep
Jim: and ya know what we're gonna do? We're gonna open up our own fucking restaurant and it's gonna have real fucking class. Have fun in your shit hole, bitch
Krabs: nooo, i need you workers. I just had a one night stand with a whale and knocked her up, im about to be a father
Squidward: cant wait to see you fuck that one up. Peace out, ass licker dick face
(they leave)
Krabs: fine, leave. I dont need you cock suckers anyways, i could run this place myself
(Squidward and jim walking around bikini bottom)
Squidward: Ok, time to open up a restaurant
Jim: that is right
Squidward: what kind of food do we make?
Jim: we go outside of the box, ya feel? Like, krabs has a weird liking towards the shitty food he made. Yeah, i make a damn good burger but thats not all i could make
Squidward: ive got my granparents' old recipes.
Jim: are they any good?
Squidward: my grandma and grandpa were great cooks
Jim: and so are we. so the kind of food we could make is….comfort food. If you want a burger, we could make a burger. If you want some hot dogs, a roast beef sandwich, hell we'll make it
Squidward: yeah, yeah and we could have live music every tuesday, ya know cuz tuesdays suck
Jim: oh damn, we're like idea machines. How about this, trivia on thursdays
Squidward: holy shit, we're gonna make so many people smart
JIm: okayokay, first things first, we need a place
Squidward: a place?
Jim: yeah, a place for the restaurant. Where do we find one?
Squidward: We just look around, can't be too hard
Jim: ya know, my friends sister is dating this guy named Jerry, he has a sister who like does that shit
Squidward: what shit?
Jim: she likes finds places for new business' like ours
Squidward: oh cool, call her up
Jim: i gotta call a few people to make it happen
(Mr. Krabs in his office on the phone with the whale)
Krabs: cmon, it was my birthday, i deserved to go in without a condom
The whale: dude, i said it was your choice and to pull out. You didnt fucking pull out. Like how much more obvious could i be?
Krabs: i aint ready to have a kid. I gotta business thats going under
The whale: yeah, and i got a uterus with a baby in it. Whos got bigger problems?
Krabs: you know what, you do. You fucking do, i will raise our child the way by myself. Once they pop out, it's your choice. If you wanna leave, fucking leave. Alright?
The whale: hey, im a strong woman. I dont need a judgmental piece of shit like you. Ill raise the baby while you die of an alcoholic. Asshole (hangs up)
Krabs: (sits at his desk in stress} well, i may as well close the old grill early today (closes it up and walks away)
(krabs walking in a dark ally, sees a big shadow)
(zooms in on plankton)
Plankton: well oh well. If it isnt old eugene
Krabs: (sad tone) ugghh plankton, what is it now
Plankton: i hear your staff quit on you
Krabs: yeah, and nobody else wants to work for the krab after all of the bad reviews ive gotten. The boys are planning on opening up their own place and it probably will be ran better than the old krab. I miss the late 80s to early 90s when this place was the talk of town. That was a different me, i tell ya
Plankton: hey, at least you had a heyday. No one eats at the bucket.
Krabs: i guess you're right
Plankton: hey buddy
Krabs: yeah?
Plankton: what it, sea bear with me on this one, what if we open up our own place. Youve still got the good recipes and ive got the brain. We'll bring down whatever squidward and the other guy have before they even open it up
Krabs: after i fucked you over all of these years ago you wanna join me?
Plankton: yeah
Krabs: and how do i know i can trust you?
Plankton: eug, what else are you gonna do? You've got nowhere else to turn to. And we may have a common enemy which means we work together to take them down
Krabs: i dont like that tone but you're right old pal
Plankton: meet me at the bucket tomorrow morning
Krabs: will do. And remember, you gave me a reason to fuck you over, dont forget that
Plankton: yeah yeah yeah, our 20s are over, krabs. You and i both grew up
Krabs; ill give you a chance. See ya tomorrow (walks away)
Plankton: (devious smile) ha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh)
(jim and squidward at jims parents' basement)
Jim: (talking to jerry on the phone) hey bro, can i talk to colleen. Its about business
Jerry: uh sure
(colleen on the phone)
Colleen: Colleen speaking
Jim: hey its jim. So i wanna talk about an idea my friend and i have for a restaurant
Colleen: uh huh
Jim: so, we wanna open up a classic eatery with great quality food and live jazz
Colleen: sounds nice...do you guys have experience in this field?
Jim: we both worked at the krusty krab
Colleen: well...that place sorta went under in the summer of 94 when all of those people were in the hospital
Jim: (interrupts her) yeah that happened but my colleague and i are both young and we have the drive
Colleen: hm hmm. Okay just come by later and we'll take a loan out on the bank.
(plankton at the chum bucket)
Plankton: karen, i got that idiot to give in
Karen: oh great, now you can actually plan how you will fuck him over
Plankton: well, i was sorta hoping you had plans
Karen: this is the issue with you, you only think of half the plan and whenever that half miraculously works, you have no crutch
Plankton: you're my crutch
Karen: ok fuck it, lets think some shit up
(Jim, squidward and colleen at the bank)
Teller: so you wanna take a loan out for a restaurant
Jim: yes
Teller : and you have absolutely no experience
Squidward: correct
Teller: okay, (points to squidward) you smell like sea weed (points to jim) and you smell like old spice and balls. What makes you think you fuckers are fit for this?
Squidward: we've got ideas
Teller: uh huh
Jim: we've got drive
teller : yeah alright
Colleen: i havent even heard the boys out yet so maybe it's time
Teller: alright kids, let's hear what you've got
Squidward: okay, jim and i have some great recipes bikini bottom needs to taste
Jim: and squidward is a masterful musician
Squidward: and what's better than music and great cuisine?
Teller: i really don't wanna see you 2 boys in debt. you're both much too young. ya know what, come back with a prepared meal for me and if it doesn't suck, or if their isn't a pube in it, ill allow you to take out this loan
jim: you fucking got it
(Krabs walking up to the chum buckets door with a trench coat)
Krabs: (Knocks on the door)
Plankton: ahh, eugene, old Eugene Harold Krabs i really didn't think you were gonna come. come on in, old pal. come in
Krabs: (goes in) well, ya really got me thinking, boyo. I just don't want you to fuck me
Plankton: don't you worry, Eug. Your ass will stay tight
Krabs: yeah….it will stay tight, the state which it currently is, tight
Plankton: anyways, we need a good fucking plan to take down those little dingy pricks. what shall fucking be done?
Krabs: i've already got the restaurant so
Plankton: a place that is going under
Krabs: yeah, well
Plankton: no, our goal should be to destroy their plan. Remember, we don't want this to happen.
Krabs: okay, well first we should find out how far they've come
Plankton: Good idea. i think we have some spying to do. lets do it
Krabs: yeah, i know where jim lives. lets go
(jim and squidward in jim kitchen about to cook a meal)
Jim: okay, squid, what could you cook
Squidward: what? i thought you had a plan
jim: don't you have your recipes?
squidward: not with me
jim: okay we could wing it.
squidward: (opens the fridge) carrots. lots of carrots
jim: yeah, my dad loves them
squidward:(takes out carrots and begins to cut them)
jim: (looks in pantry) pasta
squidward: cook it up
(krabs and plankton in the bushes with camouflage and binoculars)
plankton: what do you see?
Krabs: they're making pasta and cutting carrots
Plankton: huh okay just keep taking notes
(a little montage of squidward and jim working together to make the meal. squidward mixes the grinded carrots with the pasta)
Jim: okay, pasta and carrots
squidward: (tastes it)
jim: how is it?
squidward: it sorta tastes like…nothing
jim: ya know what this could use?
squidward: what?
jim: the krabby patty secret formula
Krabs: ya know, this is leading to nothing. wanna grab a beer?
plankton: ah, what the hell
(they leave)
squidward: (gasp)
Jim: cmon, ill show you what it is.
squidward: no no
Jim: it's a can of diet dr. kelp, mixed with 2 packs of mcdonalds secret sauce, mixed with 2 teaspoons of milk, mixed with a pinch of salt and finally, a very very very small amount of sesame oil.
squidward: wow
jim: cmon, i have an extra batch of it. make another batch of the pasta and carrots an ill mix in the secret formula
(another cooking montage. they mix in the formula)
jim: welp. heres our masterpiece
squidward: (tries it) oh. my. fucking. god.
Jim:( tastes it) its better than a fucking krabby patty
squidward: fuck yes
jim: what do we name it?
squidward: how about King of Carrot Pasta
jim: aw yeah
squidward: lets show that fucking teller this!
(at the bank)
teller: so its pasta and carrots with a twist?
jim: yeah
Teller: (tries it)….holy fucking neptune. this is fucking amazingggg. just take a $10,000 loan no interest no interest.
squidward: what? thats more than we need!
teller: exactly. call colleen. she'll get you a location
(jim and squidward cheer and bro out)
Jim: (calls colleen) hey, they loved our creation! we got a 10,000 dollar loan with no interest. get us that location!
Colleen: you've guys got yourselves a deal. We'll find a place today and in less than a year you'll be owners of your own place
Jim monologue: at this point squidward and I just got into. We were ready for the world. everything was going just right
(To be continued)