Description – Kamui thinks, "Could this wounded body still save somebody?"
Disclaimer – X is by the wonderfully demented Clamp.
the other side of 'tomorrow'.
By miyamoto yui
Whenever I wake up, it is always before the dawn.
It is like my body knows exactly when the sun will shine. These days, I can't sleep until it is late, but I cannot wake up after the light of day has come.
Before the breeze chills the air, I feel a rush of wind on my toes. Tossing and turning in a deep sleep, I must look like a maniac because I never stay in the position I started with. I always seem to kick off part of my covers and they hang halfway to one side, touching the carpeted floor.
I always watch the open window.
Even when it's cold, I can't seem to close it because I like to hear the sounds of chaos and peacefulness. I've heard all kinds of things, from cicadas to cars revving up to a delicate summer breeze. I can even tell what the weather is and I enjoy it when it rains softly.
Today, it is a little gloomy and I pout.
"Again, I can't dream." I let out a disappointed sigh and put my forearm over my eyes for a few minutes. Then, I watch the window again, waiting for what kind of dawn will come today.
It disturbs me that I see nothing but static whenever I close my eyes. Even if my body feels fine, I am always mentally exhausted. No matter what I do, I try to act normal when I know I can't.
Maybe I am that honest after all.
I hunch my shoulders and hold onto the blanket as if I were five-years-old again.
Not wanting to cry, I fight everyday to live for tomorrow, whatever that may be.
I remember what Subaru told me days ago when he came to my room..
/It was late and he touched my head, thinking I was sleeping as he watched my profile.
He was a little strange and admirable that way because he always knew when I needed him. He always knew and I was comforted by that fact that I didn't have to say anything. It was always hard for me to ask for help, even now.
His touch made my hair tingle.
I felt like he was touching all of my wounds gently, telling me that they would heal if I let them. And yet, because of my concern, it was also true that they would take longer if I didn't allow them to.
In a whisper, he had said, "You're always conscious about other people's feelings. That isn't an easy thing. It's admirable and pure. But disregarding your own means that you're always disrespecting the people that care about you."
Hugging my pillow, my hand crunched a little more onto the cotton.
I know…
"Your wish will come when it comes. It isn't something that can be forced," he had told me, leaning down towards me. He was so close that I felt his breath on my ear; I blushed in the darkness.
"But the worst thing you can do is to not pick whom and what you want to be. Whatever it may be, as long as you believe it to be your happiness, then that is enough. It isn't selfishness. That's what it means to take hold of your future."
When he reached for one of my hands, he cupped it over one of his eyes. Then, he let go and when he brushed his lips on my cheek, I felt like he was saying sorry for something. As he slowly got back up, he touched the top of my head again. "You're somewhat like the old me- but I chose what was best for me, despite what others told me."
I heard the gentle thumps of Subaru's footsteps. Subaru finally turned away from me and I almost wanted to shout for him not to leave me.
His soft-spoken voice sent a cold shiver down my heart when he told me, "Goodbye, Kamui."/
I haven't seen him since then.
Now, the clouds are becoming gold, orange, red, and yellow. In this mesh of colors, the sun is rising in a vertical line as it rises up, touching everything it sees.
It's so bright that I have to block my eyes once again. I close my eyes until the clouds hide the sun once more.
Just for a moment, I saw the sun, but it would be a cloudy day.
I sit up and pull the notebook from the left-hand corner of my bed. I write:
"The prince has seen day
Though it doesn't rise for him,
He wants to capture it."
Quietly, I get up to look out the window.
When Kotori was little, she said I was her knight. And I once believed that I was that strong. Of course, when you're little, you think you can do anything and everything.
I thought that I could protect her.
But coming back to the city, seeking strength, I had done unforgivable things. The invisible armor of grace, honesty, and courage was rusted.
I was more than lost inside of myself. I wanted to die inside the nightmare.
The light that I had followed had dimmed inside of me.
Until now, it is a little hard to look into my reflection, but everyday, Yuzuriha hints to me that she loves this smile, just like Kotori does. Every morning before we go to our classes, she'll tell me that after squeezing my hand.
But that is enough to make me go on. Such is the way of humans. We like simple gestures as long as they are genuinely given to us.
I don't have to say anything at breakfast but I eat as much as I can, as thanks to Sorata and Arashi's small, but silent grin as she tries to keep her composure in the morning.
So, little by little, the match-sized flame is returning from seared, black ashes.
With all this, I am able to get ready for school. I am smiling because Sorata tried to make a new thing for breakfast but Yuzuriha and I can't believe the face that Arashi made. Although the food was good, it's funny to see the expressionless Arashi make a face at Sorata. And Sorata is beaming because she reacted.
They really are such a strange couple.
For lunch, I go to the place where I asked Subaru to help me with an assignment. I miss him a lot.
I sit there alone, opening up my bentou and wonder what kind of food I will have today. Sorata has time to make amusing and remarkable works of art with bentou. He does this to relieve stress, but if he were a 'common' guy, I'd laugh at the fact of him having no life and too much time on his hands.
I look up to the sky full of gray and white clouds. "But…I wonder where's Subaru-san?"
"Shirou-kun!"
I blink at the shout of my name. I am always surprised by that voice no matter how many times I hear it.
I turn my head to see Segawa running towards me. He sits down next to me and opens his lunch before I can greet him because he immediately says, "I wondered where you were. You left the class as soon as the bell rang."
I don't know what to say. Compared to the other people who talk to me in a slow, concerned manner, he always speaks so quickly and excitedly.
I open up my lunch.
I confirm that Sorata really has no life.
"Wow, octopus wieners, karaage, onigiri, and udonyaki with…those vegetables aren't from Tokyo. That long brown stuff's from Nikko," Keiichi stares at my lunch in amazement as I look at him with a shocked expression.
"How did you know all that?"
"I love food," he answers. "My family's into that kind of thing."
"Oh." I look at my lunch and I'm kind of impressed, even more amused and pitying towards Sorata. This is how parents encourage little kids to eat. But now I have more reasons to thank him when I give my empty lunch box back to him later when I go home.
Quietly, I eat.
Segawa suddenly reaches out his fingers to my face. Then, he eats the piece of rice and I continue to eat in silence.
"Why do you keep sighing at me?" he asks with his chopsticks touching his lips. "Did I do something wrong?"
"I am?" I answer back, surprised as always. "I didn't mean to."
"You always look so far away even though you're right next to me."
Once in a while, even the genki Segawa could say something that parallels Subaru's seriousness…
It is a very strange day indeed.
I gaze away from those honest eyes. "There are a lot of things on my mind."
Just a little, I felt like the darkness is coming back. No, not with him. I don't want it to show when I'm him.
Wasn't I once like him? Wasn't I pure like that?!
He reaches out and pulls my chin to face him again. "I'm sorry to always bother you."
He looks down, still holding onto my chin. "It's just that whenever I come to school, I always look forward to seeing you."
"You're not a bother-"
At that moment, the ground begins to shake and this time, I pull his hand to run out and I push him against a tree. Without knowing, I am hugging him, protecting him with all that I can.
Could this wounded body still save somebody?
Segawa has his eyes closed as he breathes in and out, gulping as the Earth shakes violently. I bite my lower lip, knowing what is causing it and trying to figure out from which direction the fight is from.
Even though he is so energetic, even Segawa feels fear to the core…
The body will always react faster than the mind.
What cannot be erased from the body, the mind must correct…
When it stops, he opens his eyes.
"Are you okay?" I say, letting go of him.
"Yes…thank you, Shirou-kun," he answers. "Thank you so much."
But he grabs me and then tightly hugs me in between his arms.
"I never want to show anyone how scared I am of earthquakes, but thank you for letting me be honest with you about it."
"It's okay, really…" I answer back.
It is nice though. I've not been embraced like this besides Sorata and Subaru-san.
And the last time was when Subaru-san left.
"So like this, show me what you fear as well. Someday, I hope you'll trust me with that," he quietly tells me.
He's never spoken like that before and I'm so touched.
I close my eyes, and I hold back my tears.
"Everyday, I see there's something you can't say to me. And it hurts because I can't help. You won't let me know anything." He tilts his head with a troubled expression on his face.
"I am not used to people being genuinely kind." I step back and look him straight in the eye. "Even though you think people are drawn to me, they respect and need me for a specific reason. Sometimes, I don't know if it is me that they want, but the person they think I am or should be or should become."
It's easy to tell him even though my heart is pounding.
He isn't looking at me like I am crazy.
"So, whenever you tell me all these things, I'm overwhelmed. I'm amused because only you would do the things you do. I'm touched because you care. I'm frustrated because I don't know how to thank you." I let out a relieved sigh.
Somewhere deep inside, am I still pure? Is there a part that's left untainted?
"For whatever reason, people are drawn to you because you are a compassionate person. You hold back, but you're honest, Shirou-kun. You may not believe that, you don't know how to be anything but sincere about how you feel." He reaches out and touches my shoulder. "Even if you don't say so."
I grin at him widely. I can feel my cheeks hurt because I can't help but smile at him so freely.
He smiles wider at me, happier than ever. "I always wanted to see that."
At that moment, he leans forward and kissed me on the lips. When he steps backwards, he acts as if it's the most natural thing between two friends. Then, Segawa glances at his watch and freaks out. "Oh my God, I forgot I had to go to a meeting! I'll see you later, Shirou-kun!!!"
At that, he takes his lunch and runs away. I lift up my numb hand to signal goodbye.
I am too shocked to even move my lips and my cheeks are burning so much I almost think I have an instant fever.
Barely standing, my eyes turn towards the place where Subaru sat a while ago. I poke my lips and look at my fingers. Tears fall down to my palm.
You don't know anything about my life, and yet you still come towards me without fear or inhibitions.
"Thank you…" is all I can say to the wind, hoping it will reach him. I won't forget this.
I can feel it again. The fire is igniting just a little bit bigger, a little bit deeper, a little bit more passionately.
There is nothing I can do about the rust of my worn-out armor, but I could always make a new one. I look up to the sky, watching for a sign of Kotori.
Holding my tears tightly in my palm, I know I am able to become that knight again.
I run to fix my lunch. Then, I run home as fast I can.
"I will be able to take the responsibility. I will do anything for this wish once I decide what it is."
Before, my desire was too low and this was where it had gotten me.
I am not alone. I'm not ever alone.
Even if it is just a hint towards figuring out my wish, I know now that a smile inside the heart could be deeper than even the loneliest sadness.
Running faster and faster, I hope that Subaru will be home so I can tell him. Still, a deep pain takes a hold of my heart, as if to tell me the equivalent trade for my wish has something to do with him…
Even if that's so, I must move forward as if I'm already on the other side of 'tomorrow'.
When I glance at the sky, it is still cloudy, but there are patches of blue in between.
Even through miserable times that your mind says you want to give up,
as long as you seek out those pockets of peace,
little bits of happiness will appear when you least expect them
because your will to live the life you want to lead
is stronger than even
love itself.
Owari.
Author's note: I had thought of doing a Kamui and Keiichi fic for a long time and it finally came out! I heard something and then this idea suddenly came to me.
I really miss X. (Wow, a fic by Yui that isn't Subaru/Sei?! She needed variety.)
Thank you as always, Rei-chan, for beta-ing! XD I always appreciate it!!!
Love,
Yui
11/14/2006 5:50 AM– Los Angeles
11/14/2006 10:50 PM- Tokyo