If I Die Young
Summary: Something's wrong with Logan. But can Kendall handle it?
No one shoot me! I had to stop like 12 times while writing this story, because it's just so sad...
Kendall's POV
The week before, Logan had been just feeling off, like he was catching a cold, and so my mom and I finally convinced him to go to the doctor. I offered to go, but he said I would just be bored.
Logan had been quiet all weekend, he got home from the doctor yesterday around 3, and went straight to bed. He came out for breakfast this morning, then went back to our room and stayed there.
"Loges? You okay?" I knocked on our bedroom door.
"I'm fine Kendall… I just need to be alone." He stated from behind the closed door.
I shrugged and left him alone the rest of the night.
Around 10 o'clock p.m., James, Carlos, Mom, Katie, and I were watching Wipeout, when the door opened and Logan walked out to the living room.
I stood and ran over to him.
"Loges… you okay?" I hugged him. He nodded and hugged me back.
"Ms. Knight… can I talk to you?" He asked.
"Of course." She nodded and took him to her room.
"I wonder what's wrong." I sighed and plopped on the couch.
"I dunno." Carlos shrugged and settled down into James' lap.
"Maybe he has a problem…" James guessed.
"One he couldn't tell us about?" I asked.
"Hmm…" We all sat and waited.
After a half hour, the door opened and Logan and mom walked out.
"Mom you okay?" Katie and I asked at the same time. Her eyes were red and she nodded sadly.
"I'm going back to bed…" Logan told us. I stood and enveloped him in a hug.
"I love you Loges." I kissed his head.
"Love you to Kendall." He whispered and pulled from my hug and went back to the bedroom.
"Mom what's wrong with Logan?" I asked.
"He'll tell you… when he's ready…" She paused and stood, tears falling once again. "I need to go." She stated and ran to her room.
"Wow… I wonder what Logan told her…" Carlos stated, standing and pacing the living room.
"I don't know…" I paused as my cell phone started to ring. "Hello?"
"Hey Kendall, Gustavo needs you four to come in tomorrow." Kelly told me.
"Okay, That's fine."
"Thanks, bye."
"Bye." I hung up. "Gustavo needs us to come in tomorrow." I told them.
"Ugh… We then I need my sleep." James stood. "Coming Carlos?"
"Yes." Carlos smiled and took James' hand and followed him to the bedroom.
I sat on the couch a few more minutes to just think.
'What could be wrong with Logan? Did it even have to do with the doctor?' I wondered.
I shrugged and stood. I flipped the light switch off and walked blindly down the dark hallway.
I felt my knee bump the closed door, causing a soft bang. I opened it as softly as I could, but looked up when I saw Logan sitting on his bed with his bedside table lap on.
"Loges?" I spoke up.
"Hey Kendall…" He smiled.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked, not really sure what he would say.
"Not tonight, tomorrow…" He told me.
"Okay. Are you gonna join me?" I asked, pulling off my jeans and shirt and replaced them with a tank top and pj pants.
"Yes please." He nodded and hurried to my side. We settled under the blankets and I wrapped an arm around his waist.
"I love you Loges."
"I love you to Kendall." He turned slightly to kiss me.
I kissed back and then snuggled my head into his neck once he rolled back over.
"Kendall Francis Knight wake up! We have to be at the studio in twenty minutes!" Logan shook me for the fourth time.
"But Logie…" I whined, using the nickname he claimed that he hated, but I knew he loved it.
"Don't call me Logie… and get up, I don't want Gustavo yelling at us again." He stated and leaned over me. "Please." He begged and kissed me.
I reached up and ran a hand through his hair. "Fine." I smiled and sat up.
I got dressed and walked out to the living room.
"We have to go!" Logan gasped as he looked at his phone.
"But… I haven't ate…" I whined.
"Here." He handed me half his pancake and we rushed out the door.
"Fhanks Lofie!" I stated.
"Kendall… don't talk with your mouth full." Logan rolled his eyes.
I swallowed. "Sorry Loges." I kissed his temple.
"I swear… what are you gonna do when I'm gone?" I heard Logan mumble under his breath.
"You're going somewhere?" I asked.
"No…" He played it off. "I don't know what you're talking about." He chuckled nervously.
"Okay then." I shrugged as we made our way out to the car.
"Oh Yeah from the top!" Gustavo yelled.
"Gustavo! I'm tired of sing this song!" James whined. "We've sang it 13 times today!"
"Well then, what do you want to sing?" He asked in a tone that was most frightening.
"Uhm…" James paused.
"Let's have a break and sing random songs!" Carlos jumped up and down.
"Fine…" He sighed and we all smiled to each other.
"You dogs get to sing, separately, one song of your choice." Gustavo told the four of us.
We all looked around at each other.
"So who wants to go first?" He asked once we were given some time to think.
"I will." Logan spoke up. I smiled as he grabbed a microphone and handed his Ipod to Kelly who plugged into a speaker. She gave him a look of confusion, but he just smiled. "I'm gonna change a few words… So that it pertains to what I have to tell you all…" He told us then Kelly hit play.
"If I die young, bury me in satin. Lay me down on a bed of roses. Sink me in the river, at dawn. Send me away with the words of a love song." Logan took a deep breath.
"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down over Kendall. He'll know I'm safe with you when he stands under my colors, oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no, ain't even grey, but he buries his lover. The sharp knife of a short life…" Logan sang out with a new found strength in his voice. My eyes widened as I felt all eyes, except Logan's, look at me.
I felt tears sting my eyes. The song scared me. I stood and Kelly stopped the song.
"What are you saying Logan?" I asked him. He finally looked up at me, with tears in his eyes.
"Kendall… I'm dying…" He whispered. I felt tears falling now. "I figured this would be the best way to tell you."
"You can't be!" I gasped and took his hands in mine.
"I went to the doctors the other day, and was told I inherited this type of leukemia… It runs in my family, I knew I had a chance of getting it… It's the same thing that killed my sister... The doctors said it doesn't look good…" He told me.
"No…You were broken when your sister passed..." I stated. "I can't lose my Logie…" I whimpered. "Please tell me that this is some cruel joke!" I begged.
"I wish it was…" He sobbed.
I grabbed him and pulled him into the tightest hug I could give. He sobbed on my shoulder as I sobbed on his.
Once we finally let each other go all I could do was stare into those big brown eyes that I loved.
"Logan…" Carlos spoke from behind me. I moved so he could hug Logan.
"I'm sorry…" Logan cried as Carlos stood in his spot and sobbed.
"So it's not a lie?" James asked, the only one, of us four, still dry eyed.
"No." Logan shook his head.
It all finally clicked in his head and he fell to his knees, tears pouring down his cheeks. He held his face in his hands as loud sobs escaped his throat. Carlos soon joined him and they held each other as they cried.
"How long?" I finally asked.
"I have no idea. They said no more than 6 months…" Logan told me.
"6 months! That's it!" I asked.
"Maybe a little more… they put me on some medication that is suppose to reverse the type of leukemia I have, but it's only experimental." Logan told me.
"Then we're gonna pack a life time into the next 6 months!" I told him.
"Like when James was married for a day?" Carlos spoke up, his tears finally run dry.
"Sorta." I told him.
"Logan, I'll be right back." I stated and ran out of the studio and down to the closest jeweler to the studio.
"Hi my name is Steve, may I help you sir?"
"Yes, I need special wedding bands made." I told him. "I had an idea and I needed to know if it would work."
"What is the idea?" He asked.
"I want to imprint my thumb print into a silver wedding band, and my boyfriends into the other. Can that be done?" I asked.
"Why yes it can." He smiled. "Just follow me, and we'll pick out a pair of bands that we can use." He showed me a bunch of silver ones and I finally picked two of the same style.
"These are perfect." I told him.
"Okay. Now we just have to get both you and your boyfriend here for the rings to be made, then they'll be done in about 4 days." He told me as I was paying for the two rings.
"That fast?" I asked, quite shocked.
"Yeah, no one orders these, so we get them done fast." He smiled. "Just bring him by sometime before 3 today."
"Okay. Thanks." I left with the two rings and hurried back to Rocque Records.
"Kendall! Where did you go?" Logan asked once I walked through the doors to the recording studio.
"Logie, we have to have our entire life packed into 6 months, so I might as well start with this," I pulled out the wedding band in his size and lowered myself to one knee.
"Logan Phillip Mitchel, I love you. I've loved you since we were 13 years old, and I've loved you every day for the past 5 years. I'll always love you… not even death can make us part," I paused, "So will you marry me?" I asked.
He stared at me for a few seconds before nodding quickly. I smiled and slid the ring onto his finger.
"I love you so much!" I picked him up and kissed him. I looked over to James and Carlos.
"Well that was fast, but we're happy for you." James smiled.
"When are you gonna have the wedding?" Kelly asked.
"Next Sunday." I told them.
"So soon?" Logan gasped.
"Yes. I want you to be my husband as fast as I can." I told him, taking his face in my hands.
"Okay…" He smiled.
"You dogs have the rest of the day off, I need to take a nap…" Gustavo stated.
We all headed back to the car and I paused as Logan went to climb in the front seat.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Uhm, driving…" Logan stated.
"No, James can drive." I told him, reaching for the keys.
"Kendall… I may be dying… but I'm not made of glass… I can drive home." He told me.
"How can you say that you're dying so casually?" I asked him as I climbed into the passenger side.
"Because, I accepted it. I know that I'm going to die…" Logan sighed and pulled out of the parking spot. He stopped the car before pulling out onto the street and let out a yell. "OW!"
"What!" I asked completely terrified. James and Carlos both sat up, with scared looks in their eyes.
"Just kidding…" He laughed.
"Logan!" I gasped and punched his arm. "That wasn't funny!"
"I told you I'm not made of glass." He smiled. I crossed my arms over my chest. "Oh Kendall… I'm sorry, I was just letting the tension be cut." He reached over and grabbed my hand. "I'm sorry… I'll be more considerate." He kissed the palm and my fingertips.
"Thank you." I leaned over and kissed him. "Now let's stop at the jewelers so we can have these rings made…" I told him.
"They aren't done?" He asked.
"There's a cute surprise that goes along with these plain silver wedding bands.
"Okay?" He shrugged and we drove there.
"Oh so this is the boyfriend?" Steve asked.
"Yes, this is Logan." I smiled.
"Well come with me to the back, and we'll get a mold done." He told us to follow.
"And what is this molding of?" Logan asked.
"Loges, I'm getting our fingerprints imprinted onto these bands, my ring will have your thumb print, and yours will have mine. So we'll always have each others touch with us." I told him.
"Aw Kendall… that's the sweetest thing ever!" He smiled and hugged me.
"How long have you two been together?" He asked.
"We've been dating since we were 13, I turn 18 in 2 months." I told him.
"Aw. That's cute. Kinda young to be getting married don't you think?"
"Well, not really…" Logan shrugged.
"Let me see your finger please." Logan held out his thumb, which was pressed into this clay like stuff. He did Logan's, then my own. "These will be sent off in an hour, and they should be done by Thursday."
"Good, because we're getting married on Sunday." I told him.
"Wow, that soon?"
"Yep." I smiled. "Well thank you, and call this number when they are ready to be picked up." I wrote down my cell number and we headed home.
"What are we gonna tell your mom!" Logan asked as we made our way through the lobby.
"Tell me what?" Mom walked up.
"Are you going somewhere? It's kinda important." I asked.
"No. We can talk." She smiled. We got to the apartment, and sat down together on the couch.
"Mom, Logan told me what happened at the doctors the other day." I started, which brought tears to her eyes.
"Logan… I can't believe this is happening…" She stated.
"Which is why we're gonna happily tell you this. We're getting married, on Sunday." I told her.
"This Sunday?" She asked.
"Yes. Logan and I have to pack an entire lifetime together into 6 months. I've already bought the rings, and I'd like you to be there. It's only gonna be you, James, Carlos, Katie, Logan, I, and the preacher."
"Okay." She smiled. "As long as you two are happy."
"I'm as happy as I can be while my fiancé is dying…" I stated.
She hugged us both.
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I woke Sunday morning already excited. We all got the day started with breakfast, and then Logan and I disappeared to our room to get our tuxes on.
"Kendall… does this tux make me look fat?" Logan asked standing in front of a mirror.
"No never…" I smiled and straightened his tie. He chose the color silver to be our theme color.
I styled my hair and watched Logan style his own.
"Don't forget the…" I pulled out two small boxes."
"The rings… I won't." I smiled.
He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my neck.
"Ready to become Kendall Mitchel?" He asked.
"Ready to have a lifetime together?" I asked back.
"If the answer to both those questions are yes, then we need to leave now." James laughed from the doorway. He was fully attired in a suit with black and silver striped tie and his hair slicked back. Carlos wore a suit and black and silver striped tie as well. I smiled as the four of us stood in the living room and waited for mom and Katie.
"Tell mom my hair is fine! I don't need anymore mom spit!" Katie groaned and walked out of the bedroom.
I smiled at my sister, in her metallic silver dress, with a large black bow around the waist and black shoes to match.
"Mom she's fine." I told her.
"I know, are we all ready?" She asked, fastening her silver earrings in her ears and sliding on her silver bracelets. She had on a simple black dress, but had silver items to match our theme.
"Okay. Let's go!" I smiled and we left the apartment.
As we walked through the lobby, everyone stared.
"Where ya going guys?" Camille asked.
"Logan and I are going to get married." I told her.
"For real!" She screamed out.
"Yep." I smiled and laced my hand with Logans'.
"Well congratulations." She smiled.
"Be back later." I waved and we left to go to City Hall, to get married.
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"Do you, Logan Phillip Mitchel, take Kendall Francis Knight to be your husband?"
"I do."
"And do you, Kendall Francis Knight, take Logan Phillip Mitchel to be your husband?"
"I do."
We switched rings, and signed a few papers, then it was done.
"I love you Loges." I whispered to him.
"I love you to Kendall." He smiled and I leaned down to kiss him softly.
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I knew that eventually Logan would start looking sick, but it started only 3 months after our marriage, and he was getting worse by the day.
"Kendall?" Logan looked up from his book.
"What?" I asked.
"You love me?"
"Well of course. I married you, didn't I?" I laughed. "I love you."
"I love you to." He smiled. His cheeks looked sunk in, and no matter how normal he ate, he was loosing weight fast. He could still sing and perform, but it was winter, so we didn't have any concerts.
But even through all this, he was still the same smart, goofy kid I loved.
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"It's only been 5 months!" Carlos shouted.
"Yeah 5… they said he would be lucky to make it to 6…" I sighed and held the now sobbing Carlos in my arms as we sat in the waiting room of the hospital.
Logan was so weak that his body was just shutting down on him.
"Mr. Mitchel?" Logan's doctor walked over to us.
"How's my husband Dr. Stevens?" I asked.
"He's deteriorating fast. I'm sorry to tell you this, but the medicine did nothing, now all you can do is take him home, keep him in bed, and wait." He stated. "I'm really sorry." I felt tears sting as James screamed out.
"Just take him home and wait for him to die!" Dr. Stevens looked taken aback.
"That's all we can do James…" I spoke up.
"I just don't understand how you are so calm about all this!" James huffed, tears falling.
"Logan and I have been prepared for this day since we got married. I knew he was going to die. We both did… and we have accepted it…" I told him then turned to the doctor. "Can we take him home now?"
"Yes. Right this way." We followed him to Logan's room, where they were already helping him into a wheel chair. I rushed over and helped.
"Ready to go home Loges?" I asked.
"Yeah." He smiled at me and I pushed him out to the car.
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"Sing a song with me?" Logan asked me randomly.
"What song sweetie?" I asked. We had moved his bed to the living room, and we would sit with him though the night, I'd stay with him at night and then we'd switch around during the day.
"Any song at all." James spoke up.
"Will you guys sing 'This is Our Someday' with me?" He asked after a few moments of thinking.
"That's your favorite." I smiled.
"Yeah. I love that song." I climbed onto his bed next to him and wrapped my arms around him. James and Carlos sat at the foot of the bed.
"Yeah, we can sing it." Carlos nodded. He grabbed his ipod, turned the song on, and let it play through the speakers.
Even through everything Logan had been going through, he still sung like an angel.
We smiled and sang along to the song, just like we had so many times before. I smiled and kissed Logan's forehead as he sang his main part. I looked up as the front door opened slowly and Gustavo and Kelly walked in. I waved. They stood and listened as we sang our song.
Kelly had tears in her eyes, and Gustavo looked like he was struggling as Logan sang.
James held Carlos tight as we sang. They clung to each other as I held Logan in my arms. He smiled and laid his head on my shoulder as we sang.
Soon mom and Katie were standing next to Gustavo and Kelly, just listening to us sing.
"Cause this is our someday."
We all hung out the last note. I looked over to Logan as he went silent before the rest of us. His eyes were closed, and his face held a smile. My eyes went wide as I realized I'd never hear that angelic voice ever again, or see those loving brown eyes anymore.
I heard James gasped and Carlos cry out, but I couldn't look away from the peaceful look on Logan's face.
"Kendall…" My mom touched my arm.
I took in a deep breath, which I had been holding, as it finally settled in. Then tears rushed to my eyes.
"LOGAN!" I screamed out. I let my head fall onto his still chest.
"Kendall… hunni." I felt her try to pull me away.
I let go of my grasp on his shirt and let her pull me off the bed. She hugged me close, but I just ripped from her hold and ran out of the apartment. I took the stairs down to the lobby and managed to exit the lobby.
"Hey Kendall! You okay?" Camille asked me as I passed her outside. I stopped on the sidewalk and collapsed to my knees.
"LOGAN! GIVE ME BACK MY LOGIE!" I screamed out, tears streaming down my face.
"Kendall…" Camille ran over and hugged me tight. "Shh…" She held and rocked me as I sobbed, tears were silently falling from her eyes as well.
"I thought I could handle it, I thought I had anticipated it…" I cried.
"No one can handle death calmly." She told me. I just kept silent and cried for the loss of my best friend.
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"Put the silver tie on him…" I told James.
"Are you gonna keep his wedding ring?" Carlos asked.
"No. He wanted to be buried in it." I told them. "Logan's my husband, and our marriage won't be severed by death. He'll be my one and only husband." I sniffed.
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Me and my two best friends, arms wrapped around each other, as we stood in front of a single tomb stone. The funeral had long been over. But we still stayed. Grieving over the loss of a friend. Me, the loss of my one love, my husband.
"Kendall are you gonna be okay?" James looked up from the ground, his eyes red, and asked me.
"I dunno…" I whispered, lifting my head and inhaled as I felt the wind blow through my hair. I felt almost dead myself. I felt like nothing could ever be the same.
"Can we help with anything?" Carlos asked, wrapping an arm around me.
"I just need to think…" I stated, and looked down at the freshly moved soil. There was dark spots scattered where our tears had fallen.
"We'll be in the car." James took ahold of Carlos' hand and the two left me to myself. I gulped and rubbed my eyes, trying to rid them of the tears that still fell.
"How do I move forward? I just buried my husband…" I asked myself. I looked up from the ground as one word popped up in my head. "Sing… I should sing how I feel?" I asked out to no one. "Yeah okay." I shrugged and pulled out my ipod from my suit jacket. "I have the best song for this…" I scrolled a bit before landing on a song I had long forgotten about until this moment.
I put one headphone in and let the other hang as I turned the volume up and let the intro start.
"I always needed time on my own. I never thought I'd need you there when I cry. And the days feel like years when I'm alone. And the bed where you lie is made up on your side. When you walk away, I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?"
I took a deep breath as I felt that familiar lump form in my throat and my eyes started to sting.
"When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too. When you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok. I miss you."
I felt awful. The song was just making me more upset. But I knew that Logan loved it when I sang, so I knew that singing would help.
"I've never felt this way before. Everything that I do reminds me of you. And the clothes you left, they lie on my floor, and they smell just like you, I love the things that you do. When you walk away, I count the steps that you take. Do you see how much I need you right now?"
I wiped the tears that now fell, but more just replaced them. I let my hands fall to my sides. I closed my eyes and felt a hand grip my own. I almost opened my eyes but a voice stopped me.
"Keep your eyes closed. Sing to me." A voice whispered in my ear. I knew that voice anywhere. It was Logan's voice…
"When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. And when you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too. And when you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok. I miss you."
I kept my hand tightly around his.
"Just think of the great times we had together." Logan told me.
So I thought of the dates on the beach at night. The two of us running barefoot through the sand before Logan would finally stop from exhaustion and I would grab him up and kissing him softly as we were bathed in the light from the sunset.
Logan reached up and ran his free hand across my cheek.
"We were made for each other. Out here forever I know we were, yeah. And all I ever wanted was for you to know everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul. I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me, yeah."
I sung the song, my eyes kept closed and I felt Logan's hand release from mine and his arms wrap around my torso. I tightened my arms around Logan, pulling him close.
"When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. And when you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too. And when you're gone, all the words I need to hear will always get me through the day and make it ok. I miss you."
I finished the song and sniffed. I felt more tears fall as I inhaled the smell of Logan's vanilla shampoo.
"Loges… I miss you…" I whispered.
"I'll be with you in your dreams." Logan whispered. "Just close your eyes, I won't really be gone." Logan reached up and placed a soft kiss on my lips. "I love you Kenny."
My eyes shot open and I saw what I had feared. It was just myself standing there alone. I could still feel Logan's touch and I could still smell his shampoo.
"I'm not really alone. I still have you in my heart." I smiled softly and touched the wedding band that sat on my finger. "I love you to Logie."