Hello there! This is a humour fic commisioned under Roux Barcelone and Remember. The idea was theirs, although I was honoured with the gift of writing it! So sorry that it's taken this long to post it. I've been really busy. This hasn't been edited, so I hope there are no mistakes. I hope you guys find it funny! I'm not sure if it's any good...

Warning- Contains Twilight bashing. If you are a Twilight fan and/or Stephanie Meyer I offer my sincerest apologies. This was all written in good fun and I am not benifiting from it.

Oh, and if the Twi-hard in the story sounds too crazy, remember that a girl was beaten up by her friends in Conneticut because she didn't enjoy Twilight.

Enjoy! Read & Review!

Dracula Vs the Sparkly Fairy

A sinister smile spread across Count Dracula's handsome face as he neared his prey's bed. She was still pure and practically radiated innocence with every drowsy exhale. Part of him wished to savour her terror before he killed her, relish the racing of her pounding heart. The practical side of him quickly quenched his cruel desire- killing her in her sleep would ensure that she would not scream.

As he took the final step towards her and his hand reached out for the pearly-white skin of her neck, he stood on something that squeaked.

Damn it! he cursed himself. How could he have made such a blunder? He glanced at the fluffy teddy bear which he assumed had fallen from the girls grasp before glancing back up at her waking form. Now she would scream and he would have to transform into bat-form while diving out the window…

She yawned and stretched like a cat, which gave him a nice view of her ample cleavage. He chided himself, Focus, Vladislaus!

As she opened her eyes, she blinked in an attempt to banish sleep from her vision. When her eyes fell on him, they widened in what he interpreted as fear.

He was mistaken.

She squealed excitedly, enveloped him in a fierce hug and wrapped her legs around his waist. He was too shocked to move. He couldn't quite wrap his head around what was happening. Some girls welcomed him into their beds, but NEVER had he received such a warm welcome. She was treating him like some sort of Prince Charming.

His train of thought came to a halt when he noticed that her body had stiffened. Ah, delayed reaction. She'll start shaking in terror any second now….

She drew back from him and looked him in the eye.

"OMG! You're not Edward!"

Who? Just play along and maybe she'll stay calm.

"Um…I'm a close friend of Edward's…he sent me in his place."

The excuse sounded pathetic but she seemed all too eager to believe him.

"Oh cool! Any friend of the Cullen's is a friend of mine! Come here and snuggle with me." She patted the bed suggestively.

Yes! Willing prey? Life didn't get much better. He moved on top of her and pushed her back against the pillows. As he leaned in for a kiss he was met with an unexpected reaction.

"Woah! WTF? You're not meant to have sex with me!"

"But you just said-"

"Never mind that! I'm meant to beg for sex and you're meant to refuse! Okay let's try again."

He was completely baffled. He tried to make sense of her words as she cleared her throat.

"I love you so much my sparkly marble angel. Let's make love, I'm tired of waiting!" As she uttered these words she moved his right hand to one of her breasts. Needing no more encouragement, he squeezed.

She slapped him hard. "What the hell? You're meant to say, "No my love, I could smush you!" Hasn't Edward taught you anything?"

Dracula both feared for himself and the girl's sanity. "Uhh…he wasn't very clear on this matter…."

She rolled her eyes and offered him a strained smile. "Alright, I'll give you one last chance to prove yourself. Otherwise, you're sleeping on the floor for the rest of the night."

He gulped despite himself. The girl's lack of sanity made her actions unpredictable. He was scared, not that he'd ever admit to it.

The girl swept back her long curls, revealing a milky-white neck. He began to salivate. Her husky whisper almost sent him over the edge as she whispered, "Bite me, make it a slow process so that the ecstasy lasts for days…"

With that, he bent his head to the side and tilted forward as his fangs elongated…

The next thing he knew, he was on the floor. The girl was looking down at him, her arms crossed and vexation radiating from her.

"We'll talk about this in the morning." She turned around and flumped down into her comfy bed all the while muttering, "Of all the sexy vampires, I had to get a broken, middle-aged looking one…."

His eyes blurred with anger. Who did this little girl think she was? More importantly, did she not realise who she was dealing with? He could snap her neck and be gone in a flash if he wished it. The ignorant little trollop! Yet…he was curious to find out more about this Edward fellow. Was he a serious threat to him? Did he reside locally? From her description of him, Edward sounded prude, virtuous and very womanish. He would take it upon himself to put an end to him. Unfortunately, this meant having to put up with the mad girl, who was now sleeping soundly.

The ends justify the means, he thought as he gritted his teeth and tried to make himself comfortable on the hard floor.

The following morning…..

"Aaagh!"

The Count leapt to his feet as he felt flames licking at his back. He threw off his cape and rolled it on the floor in order to smother the licking orange fingers.

Once his panic had subsided, he glanced up. The girl was standing at her window. Had she…had she just pulled back the curtain? What kind of simpering moron was she?! He could have been fried! At least she had pulled it back in time once she had seen his cloak catch fire. For that much, he was grateful.

The girl looked bored and disappointed. She turned from him without uttering a word of greeting or apology and headed for her door. Again, he heard her muttering to herself. "He doesn't even sparkle."

As she went downstairs she didn't bother to close the door to her room. He guessed correctly that she was the only person in the house. Her parents must be at work…

He turned his attention to her bookcase. He was curious as to what sorry excuse for literature had polluted her young mind. He wanted a better idea of her before he started to interrogate her about the strange and mysterious Edward.

One book caught his eye. The cover art was interesting. There was an apple cupped in the palms of someone's hands. He wasn't sure what to make of it, so he proceeded to read the blurb. Edward Cullen! Could this possibly be the beloved Edward of his prey?

Being a vampire had certain advantages-among them, being able to read at super speed. He had the book-Twilight-consumed within the hour. And what a load of tripe it was. It was like reading a Mills & Boon novel except there was no sex! It was a twelve year olds romantic fantasy. As if she wanted to combine a sparkling pony with Prince Charming to create the perfect love interest. He was disgusted. The vampire was meant to be menacing and seductive, not a vegetarian, sparkling fairy! As for Bella…she made his brides seem independent. Never before had he been so infuriated by a novel's heroine. She was desperate, needy and shallow.

He marched downstairs to find the mad girl. Thankfully she had the sense to keep the curtains drawn. Her look of disdain for him changed to a bright smile as she saw the book in his hand.

"Oh, thank God! Maybe now you'll know how to act like a real vampire. The only problem now is your eyes. They are the most hideous blue I have ever seen. They're meant to be honey, topaz, golden, butterscotch. Well, what did you think of the masterpiece? Are you ready for the sequels?"

There are more?! a horrified voice screamed in his head. No…no, this could not be! Well, he had to give his honest opinion so the unhealthy sway the book had on her would be broken. He took a deep breath.

"It's teen angst and lust coated in abstinence, coated in misogynistic undertones, coated in shit, coated in sparkles!"

A pregnant silence filled the air. To Dracula's horror the girl's eyes didn't fill with understanding. Instead they flared with an irrepressible rage.

"You…you didn't like it? That's not possible. It's even better than Shakespeare…"

Dracula longed to correct her but was too scared of her reaction. He took a step back and immediately regretted the movement. Her eyes locked on his and they glowed with murderous bloodlust. She reached into the sink and withdrew a knife. A sharp knife.

"Twilight is the best romance novel ever written. It's beautiful and poignant…not that I expect you to understand." She was moving in on him, cornering him, like a cat toying with a mouse.

"You know…my best friend didn't care for Twilight either. So I stabbed her. She died and good riddance! People who can't appreciate art should be wiped from the face of the earth!"

She raised the butcher's knife above her head and prepared to sink it into his chest. With an inhumane screech of terror, Dracula flung himself out onto the street, bursting through the solid concrete wall of the kitchen. As his clothes began to burn, he flung himself down the nearest manhole and quenched the flames in the filthy water. Then he ran for his life, lest the murderous fanatic pursue him. When he had ran a mile, he stopped and attempted to gain control of himself once more.

He was mortified. He was the King of the Vampires and yet an obsessed teenage girl had managed to make him weak with terror! He came to the conclusion that he couldn't really blame her for her craziness. Twilight was like a sickness that infected the mind and contaminated every functioning brain cell. No…the real culprit was the person whose name was printed on the book's cover.

He decided to pay Mrs. Meyer a visit.

Ooo

Stephanie Meyer sat at her desk, typing away happily on her laptop. She was finishing her latest draft of 'Midnight Sun'. She had made a very public flounce and refused to write anymore of it due to the first few chapters being leaked on the internet. It was all a rouse so that the copies would sell twice as fast when she finally decided to release it.

Her good mood was spoilt when a vampire burst through her window.

She immediately seized her laptop and held it to her chest as if it were as precious as a newborn baby.

"Who are you and what do you want?" she shouted.

"You are Stephanie Meyer, author of the Toilet series?" a husky Romanian accent tickled her ears.

"It's 'Twilight' and answer my question!" she protested passionately.

"My identity is insignificant! All you really need to know is that I'm a real vampire. If you refuse to heed my advice, I will tear your throat out. I'm not your effeminate Edward. I won't braid your hair into plaits and compose meaningless love songs!"

"How dare you insult my work! It's good and clean and moral and there is no gratuitous sex!"

That sent him over the edge. He stormed towards her until they were almost touching. He roared into her face. "Gratuitous sex between two consenting teenagers is better than a controlling, possessive boyfriend and a pathetic girl! Also, imprinting is a paedophilia endorsement. You madam, sicken me! I command you, STOP WRITING THIS RUBBISH!"

She didn't flinch during his speech. She replied calmly, "I will never stop writing my own personal sexual fantasies and selling them for money. Don't even bother trying to make me."

He contemplated killing her. It was tempting. But it wouldn't solve anything. If anything, her books would end up selling even better. Then the perfect plan took shape. Excellent Vladislaus! he commended his own genius.

On seeing the smile on his lips, she had the sense to look worried.

"We're going to take a little trip back in time," he whispered softly.

000

June 2nd 2003 (The Birth Of Twilight)

Stephanie Meyer woke up. The sunlight that crept in through her window had woken her. Bad timing. She had been in the middle of a wonderful dream. Something about a meadow and a sparkling….warlock? She couldn't remember clearly. She decided not to dwell on it and began preparing herself for the day ahead. Somewhere in the back of her mind she swore she heard a man laughing and herself crying in despair. She shrugged and got dressed.

Sooooo........Review?