Hello to all my readers. I'm just going to give you a quick update if you're reading either of my Free! stories.
Coming Together (chapter 4): I'm in the process of typing it out, so it should be up soon, I promise.
Tangled Strings of Fate: I'm writing the second chapter, so it should be up in roughly a week.
Now, as for my inspiration for this. I just recently went through a similar breakup, so this story is a fictional recreation of exactly what happened to me. I wanted to capture my real emotions to make it authentic. Writing always helps me collect myself, so I figured I'd share this.
Thanks for reading!
Nagisa read the text message again with disbelieving eyes. No matter how many times he read those words, they didn't change. Where had this come from? His hands trembled slightly as he read the long text again.
Rei: So I need to talk to you about something. I don't really know how to say this, so I just will. I really like you, Nagisa. I might even love you. But as a friend. I'm not certain what you consider us, but I think it would be best if we were just friends. I'm really sorry about this, and if you don't want to be friends with me afterwards, I can understand. But I still want to be friends, you're one of the best ones I have. It's up to you. But again, I'm sorry for everything.
His first real thought was "What the hell?" He was outraged. You don't just say something like that. You don't bring up love platonically when breaking up with someone who's fully romantically devoted to you.
Nagisa was too in shock to form a response. How could Rei not know he was madly in love with him? Nagisa had made it perfectly clear. Holding hands whenever they walked anywhere, giving small, chaste kisses whenever they were alone, blushing madly at any compliments. That wasn't clear enough for Rei?
Sure, they hadn't talked about being boyfriends. But Nagisa honestly thought they didn't need to. Rei reciprocated every affection Nagisa had given. They saw each other whenever they could. They did everything together. They did everything from studying for tests to going out to romantic restaurants. Rei shared his dreams for the future.
Nagisa knew everything about him. He knew Rei's habits, his hobbies, his favorite everything. He knew that Rei grew up feeling lonely and detatched from his family. He knew that Rei had a hard time making true friends. He knew that Rei was scared of love, but still decided to go out with him.
This didn't make sense to Nagisa. The only thing he understood was that Rei didn't want him to be his boyfriend. And that crushed him.
He still couldn't formulate a response. He didn't know what to say. Of course he didn't want to lose Rei, but he didn't want to be friends. He wanted to be so much more.
Rei was someone he could have gone all the way with. Nagisa didn't fall easy. He was hesitant to love. He wasn't sure why, but he was terrified to fall in love. But he wanted everything with Rei. He actually imagined their life together in the future. He thought about how Rei would look in ten years. How he would look when he started to grow gray hairs. And he hadn't even been repulsed by the notion of growing old like he normally was.
Nagisa had never felt that way about anyone. Not a single soul. And it broke him.
Rei didn't feel the same way.
Was it his fault? Was Nagisa not attractive enough? Maybe he was too loud and whiny. Maybe he wasn't a good enough kisser. Somehow, he failed in showing his love for Rei. It wasn't good enough.
He thought back to the night of their first kiss. They were sitting at Nagisa's doorstep, looking at the stars. Neither of them had wanted to leave, but it was terribly late. They held hands as they stood. Nagisa looked up at him and blushed as he went in for a hug. This was normal, though. They always hugged whenever they left each other. But this time, Rei held him tighter and didn't let go.
"Uh, Rei-chan?" Nagisa had asked against Rei's neck.
Rei hadn't said anything as he pulled back just enough to press his forehead against Nagisa's. Their lips had been so incredibly close to touching. Nagisa could feel his breath tickling his lips.
He couldn't take it. "Are you going to kiss me?" he had said in an outburst.
Rei hadn't hesitated when he pressed his lips to Nagisa's. It felt different than he expected it to. It was incredible, though. Rei's lips were so soft and moist. Despite the shortness of the sweet kiss, it sent tingles down his spine. When he opened his eyes to meet Rei's, Rei blushed and said, "No," in a joking manner.
Both of them laughed at each other before sharing another kiss. They had exchanged good nights before Rei had to leave.
That moment since then had been crystal clear in his mind. Nagisa finally started tearing up. He put a hand to his forehead to somehow gain control before the tears fell. His cool hand felt nice against his feverish forehead, but it didn't help the hot tears welling up in his eyes.
I will not cry, he told himself.
Barely, he managed to blink away the tears. He moved to sit on his bed. He brought his knees to his chest as if to block his heart from more heartbreak. He stared at the words again and remembered with a sharp sting at how elated he had been at the beginning of the text. I might even love you. Then he remembered how quickly that happiness was shattered. But as a friend.
This wasn't a fight. It wasn't said in anger, or words of the moment. He had thought about this. He had been thinking about how to tell Nagisa this when Nagisa had been thinking of what it would be like when they took their relationship to the next level. There was nothing to fix. There were no apologies to be made. Nothing he could say would make Rei love him.
Nagisa knew that Rei never meant to hurt him. He knew that. But he never thought that his confidence, his positivity, could be shredded by something so stupid as unrequited love.
Tears welled up in his eyes again, and this time, he couldn't stop them from falling. He wanted to not be a victim, he wanted to shrug it off and just keep going.
But he couldn't.
He didn't think anyone could ever make him feel so much pain. He didn't even realize that by giving his heart out, there was the possibility it would be hurt. He knew that could happen, but he didn't ever think for one second that it would be Rei. How had he not known?
Nagisa tried so hard to not let anybody hear him cry. He didn't want sympathy. He didn't want it to be true.
But it was. And Nagisa didn't know what to say or do. He knew Rei would be expecting a response soon, but Nagisa honestly couldn't bring himself to start texting again.
He tried to calm down. He didn't want to make a mistake with Rei. He had lost enough already. And Rei had been a great friend when they had been only that.
If he couldn't have his heart, he'd take whatever he could get. Nagisa was terrified at the idea of not having Rei there anymore.
Finally, he brought his fingers to the keyboard.
Nagisa: Of course we can still be friends! :) I'll see you tomorrow at the train.
He cried himself to sleep that night, wishing that he couldn't feel anything, that he was numb. And he hated himself for getting attached.
Thanks again for reading. Would you care to share what you thought? I'd love to hear it.