Authors note:
Hello!
This is an AU where Robin and Regina have been married for seven years. For the sake of this fanfiction Henry was eleven when they married and is now eighteen, Roland five (much like in the show) and now twelve and they have a child of their own; Grace- who is now three (Regina didn't take any potion that made herself barren.)
In order for this story to make sense with little mess, Zelena WAS killed by Rumplestilskin and therefore Marian did not come back from the dead. Robin and Regina's relationship simply escalated from the kiss at the campsite in season three and they got married later that year.
So, I'm afraid that means no frozen arc or queens of darkness. I have chosen to exclude these as I simply wish for this fiction to be light-hearted, funny (despite my bad sense of humour) and, of course, AU! I hope I have covered and you now know all the necessary background information, and I hope you enjoy!
Regina lounges across the bed, the finest grey silk and lace caressing her curves beautifully. She holds her diary in one hand as she maps out when the best time would be to book Roland and Grace's next dental appointment.
Her pen taps against her plump lower lip as she examines the choices of the next month. Tuesday's consist of Storybrooke council meetings at the town hall and listening to the villagers complain about health and safety issues which Regina honestly couldn't care less about. Because, really, who cares if Jonathon Madrick fell off of the climbing equipment at Storybrooke park and scraped his knee? Boys will be boys. Regina should know, she has two of them. Monday evenings Roland has softball practice, and Wednesday's: Grace's swimming classes. So that leaves Thursdays or Fridays... But Friday nights is the one night a week Regina takes time to herself and enjoys a glass of wine, tucked up on the sofa whilst reading her book. Friday nights are the nights that Robin works late at the sheriff station and Mary Margaret has the kids so that he doesn't disturb them when he returns in the late hours of the evening. Despite how hard he tries to be graceful, that man is ever so heavy footed and would wake the dead with his stampeding up the stairs.
So, that leaves Thursday's...
Thank goodness Henry has left for college and she has one less sweet tooth to worry about. It's Grace that's the problem, really, that child does nothing but scoff candied treats any time her father takes her out. Regina rolls her eyes at the thought.
It's then that she feels a presence beside her on the bed, causing the mattress to dip slightly. Her husband of seven years.
"I was just thinking about you." Regina mumbles, glancing up at Robin with a slight smirk before turning her attention back to the leafs of her diary.
"Oh?" Robin questions suggestively, intrigued as he scoots closer to his wife, resting his head on his palm as he looks at her, waiting for her reply.
"Oh for goodness sake, Robin, get your head out of the gutter. Not like that." She scolds swatting him on the arm, "In fact, quite the opposite." She adds with a sassy smirk and raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow.
"In what sense?" Is Robin's answer, in a slightly offended tone. His eyes wide and eyebrows up in his hairline.
"You over feeding our children crap." She retorts simply.
"I do no such thing!" Robin protests defensively with a slight pout plumping his lips.
Regina scoffs, rolling her eyes, "Of course you don't." She replies sarcastically, inwardly questioning why her husband acts like he's one of the kids most of the time."Now help me." She adds, nudging her shoulder against his.
Robin simply lets out a huff before shuffling slightly to be able to see the diary better. "How about the Friday?" He points out.
"Traffic." She lies, because hell, why shouldn't she be selfish just this once?
"Then Thursday?" He questions, rubbing his hand soothingly over her exposed lower thigh, as he can tell she's stressed when she really needn't be over such a small ordeal.
The brunette relaxes under his touch before nodding and jotting it down into the Thursday slot. She was thinking that anyway, she just wanted to hear her husband's confirmation. Although that means that she'll have to go grocery shopping on Wednesday instead of Thursday after she has taken Grace swimming and Robin will have to stay and watch by himself for one week. A small price to pay for the well being of her children's teeth, she thinks.
It's then that a small yawn parts her lips causing her to bring the back of her hand up to her lips to hide it. Robin smiles endearingly before taking the diary from her hands, "And now you need to call it an evening." He says, raising an eyebrow before leaning back and placing her diary onto the bedside cabinet.
Regina sighs but is in no mood to fight him on this, she still has lots she needs to organise before she can truly relax. She leans over and rests her head on her husband's chest as he moves back to lay beside her, his hands finding their way into her hair. An action that has her almost purring.
Being the mayor and juggling two kids at home with an inexperienced husband when it comes to modern technology- although she will give him credit, he is finally getting better- can take quite the toll on Regina. She also misses Henry and his undeniable maturity for an eighteen year old male. Her stomach clenches with worry to think that her baby boy is most probably out right this moment with his college mates and meeting girls.
Not one of them good enough for her Henry, she thinks.
Robin notices the slight unamused pout on her lips, and, brushing the hair from her face, he asks, "What's the matter, my love?"
Regina blinks before shaking her head and looking up at her husband. He reads her so well. "I'm worried about Henry." She confesses.
Robin frowns momentarily, "Why?" he asks, but Regina simply shrugs, unable to put all of her thoughts into one simple sentence so Robin continues, "You have no need to be, Regina, he's a strong and mature young man who is more than capable of taking care of himself. He's handled Peter Pan, the Wicked Witch of the West and numerous other villainous fairytale characters. He can handle college." He reassures giving her shoulder a soft squeeze.
Regina's lips twitch up into a small smile at his comment before she shakes her head, "I just can't believe he's an adult now." She breathes, before her eyes widen in realisation as she looks at her husband in her sudden panic. "What are we going to do when Grace leaves for college?!" She exclaims, propping herself up on her husband's chest.
"Regina, relax, my love, that's not until years from now. Stop worrying about the future and enjoy the here and now." Robin reasons, and he's right, God Regina hates it when he's right. But before she can protest he's reaching down and taking her chin in his hand softly, bowing his head down to kiss her gently. A kiss that never fails to have Regina melting in his arms.
Robins hand travels down her back playing with the silk of her nightgown as the kiss lingers, deepens, heats even. After a moment, Robin is rolling Regina onto her back and moving his kisses along her jaw, down her neck and...
"Robin, no. I'm not in the mood." Regina protests, pushing Robin's head out from the crook of her neck only to witness her husband's pouting expression.
"You're never in the mood anymore, Regina." Robin grumbles, "What happened to the woman who used to surprise me with a quickie in the shower and make love to me on the staircase as we couldn't quite make it to the bedroom?"
Regina blushes deeply at the memories before shaking her head, "She had a child." She justifies, crossing her arms over her chest.
"So?"
"So?!" Regina snaps, "So forgive me for being tired from having to wake up at 6am every morning to a crying child who wants her mother before having to rush off to work at 9am because the toast has burnt and Grace spilt her orange juice all over the carpet and new dress or Roland has used all of the hot water in one of his super long showers and I have to wait another fifteen minutes for the water tank to fill back up because I don't want to shower in water the temperature of Niagara Falls." She huffs, her brows furrowed in irritation. She takes a breath before running a hand through her hair, "It just seems that right now I'm just always tired. And when I go to bed, I go to bed to sleep, okay?" She adds, her voice softer upon seeing Robin's slightly hurt expression hovering above her.
Robin simply nods, settling back down beside her. "Okay." He replies simply, his ego well and truly bruised as he sinks back down into the cushions.
"I'm sorry, Robin." Regina mumbles, cuddling back up to his side, "I miss our nights of passion and carelessness too, I honestly do." She whispers truthfully, her fingers roaming over his chiselled chest.
Robin isn't a man who is obsessed with sex; in fact it's barely on his mind these days... but he really does cherish it with his wife and due to the fact it has become rare and almost non-existent these last few months leading to a year, he really misses it. He misses the aftermath of panted 'I love you's and the sexy, flirtatious and darn right arousing comments that used to be thrown his way before the birth of their little girl, Grace.
Of course, he does not regret having the blonde bundle of joy, neither does he regret the relationship that he and Regina now share because of their growing family, but he would like those nights of passion back, too. He wants to show how much Regina means to him and how sexy she still remains to be to him in only the most intimate of ways.
It was only a few weeks ago when Robin was talking to Will at the diner, that he confided in the fellow Brit. Will had sensed something was beginning to bother his best friend and had straight up asked him, "Is everything alright in the bedroom?"
The question had taken Robin aback initially but after another glass of whiskey he had told him everything. It was then that Will suggested a sex therapist... yes. apparently they are real people- and at first Robin was horrified by the idea, but Will handed him a business card of a guy he (and surprisingly it turns out both of them) knew. However, the more Robin thought about it from that evening on, a thought that was constantly niggling at the back of his mind, he began to warm to the idea. After all, he just wanted those passionate moments with his wife back, so, honestly, he would be willing to do something as absurd as seeing a sex therapist if it would work.
Robin remains silent a moment as his mind wonders before deciding to take a stab in the dark and ask his wife, "Then why don't we see someone about it?"
Regina's eyes widen drastically as she sits up to look at him, shock plastered over her face, "Like who?! A sex therapist?!" She mocks, disgust evident in her tone.
"Exactly." Robin replies simply, his expression deadly serious and for a moment Regina has the strong urge to burst out laughing... So she does.
"You can't be serious?" She says through gasping breaths, "Not to mention how humiliating that'd be for the both of us." She adds in a more serious tone, laughter now fully subsided.
"I am. Regina, I honestly miss it. It's been what, 6 months?"
"That long?!" Regina questions, completely taken aback and Robin simply nods. She cannot help the pang of guilt that tangles in her gut. She's been so tied up in work and looking after the kids, she's let her and Robins sex life trickle down the drain. Coming to think of it, she honestly can't remember the last time they had sex since Valentine's Day... Which was indeed 6 months ago. Shit.
"Is there even such a thing as a sex therapist?" She questions after a moments silence. Is she really considering this?! Honestly it's a ridiculous idea no matter how much she does miss sleeping with her husband.
Robin beams at her, "Mhmm, and I know just the man."
"Hello, I'm Dr Rocker, please, both of you, do come in."
Regina cannot believe she has let Robin talk her into doing this, it's so demoralising, so embarrassing. There has to be other things they could do before turning to this... Maybe she should read more erotic novels, maybe then she'd be in the mood more often. Well, maybe not that, but there are definitely more alternatives to going and seeing a sex therapist, she's sure of it.
Besides, this ginger haired man with thick rimmed glasses looks as if he hasn't ever gotten laid in his life. Surely, he doesn't know anything about what a good sex life withholds.
"So Robin, this is your wife?" He questions to which Robin nods with his slight quirky but proud smile, "Oh darling, she is simply fabulous." Dr Rocker remarks as he clasps his hands together. And now, now it's obvious to Regina that she's been looking at him all wrong as a small blush creeps into her cheeks. The man is gay, as gay as they get, she realises, as her eyes drift over his salmon pink shirt and tweed suit jacket.
Not that she has anything against homosexuals, in fact the realisation makes her like him that little bit more, and maybe they are more knowledgeable about what a woman likes in the bedroom. More so than some fat, bald, heterosexual male who really only took the job to leer at the woman in the sessions and get into bed with them seeming as their husbands aren't doing it for them.
Regina shudders at the thought and quickly dismisses the unwelcome image from her head. Her hand tightly clasps Robin's as they take a seat on the couch together that they've been ushered to.
"You alright?" Robin whispers and Regina simply nods. She still really doesn't want to be here.
"Okay, so Robin tells me you're having trouble in the bedroom?" The therapist asks, an obvious question, Regina notes with an inward roll of her eyes as she gives him a sheepish nod, her eyes watching the pen that has been swiftly withdrawn from the salmon pink shirt pocket to jot down notes.
Dr rocker simply smiles kindly before answering the couples silence with, "Well then it's time we add a little more spice back into your love life."
Oh lord, are they really sat here listening to this? Are they really paying this man for stating the obvious. The speckle of admiration that Regina has towards the redhead slowly begins to slip out of the window.
"Is there anything you can suggest?" Robin answers, diverting the therapist to the point. A gesture Regina is truly grateful for; she doesn't wish to be here any longer than is necessary. Even if they are paying for a full hour.
Dr rocker gives a beaming grin, "Of course I do, my lovelies! That's what my job is all about!" He replies before giving a slight chuckle, leaning forward, "You want me to get straight to the point. I get it, but first I need to get to know the both of you as a couple." He adds, his tone serious and understanding as he sits back in his chair, placing his hands on his knee. "Like, for example, I'd like to know what your best sexual experience together has been."
Regina can feel the heat rush up from her chest, up her neck and to her cheeks. She's never discussed her sex life with anyone before, not really even Robin, not anymore- just a simple 'last night was amazing' being shared every now and then but nothing more. And now she's being asked to share her favourite sexual experience to a complete stranger!
Dr rocker picks up on Regina's hesitance and discomfort and offers her a comforting smile, "It's important you don't feel embarrassed when discussing your sex life around each other otherwise life in the bedroom will forever be dull."
"I'm not embarrassed." Regina snaps (slightly offended at the choice of the word 'dull' as she is not dull.) before clearing her throat and straightening her stance, she's a confident woman in many areas but discussing sex isn't something she's had practice in.
"That's alright. Well, Robin, would you like to go first?" Dr Rocker questions, becoming impassive but attentive.
Robin nods before glancing at Regina- she notices that he's slightly flushed too- and then he looks back at the doctor. "Okay... The best time for me would have to be the time when Regina bought handcuffs into the shower one morning during the spring of the year after we married." He states, and Regina bites the inside of her lip at the memory. Now she feels embarrassed, a total stranger knows that she was, is still, into kinky sex, great.
"And what made it so great?" Dr Rocker presses and Robin hesitates, squirming in his seat slightly before feeling a reassuring squeeze of his wife's hand. Regina's interest has peaked despite her embarrassment, she wants to know what he likes and why... although she hopes he holds back on the details for she can remember how feisty she was during that session.
"Well, umm, I couldn't use my hands, she had cuffed me to the hot water pipe..."
"Stay still and you'll be rewarded, Mr Locksley." She purred, kissing her way down his neck as Robin strained against the cuffs.
"You make that sound easy." He replied, arching beneath his wife's touch as she kissed down his chest and earning a swat to the rear as punishment for going against what he was told.
"I wasn't allowed to speak..."
"Shh." Regina hushed as she dropped to her knees in front of her husband licking her already wet lips as she grabbed his hips.
Robin had to bite his lip to silence himself, titling his head back to hit the tiled wall with a thud, waiting for the inevitable feeling of her warmth wrapped around him, for the feeling of her tongue travelling along the veins of his erect member and making him shudder beneath her touch.
She didn't disappoint, taking him into her mouth with a low rumbling moan that travelled up the entirety of his body and had him screwing his eyes closed in ecstasy. Shit, she was so good at that.
"And she, umm, she was just amazing." He finishes, his cheeks a dark scarlet as he allows the details to run around his head, finding the conversation slightly uncomfortable. After all, he wouldn't even tell this to his best friend, let alone a person he has briefly spoken to over the phone.
"How many times did she make you cum?" Dr Rocker questions, a statement which has both Robin and Regina's eyes grow wide and avoid contact with everything but the furniture. Regina never expected that to be the next question from his mouth.
"Twice." Robin mumbles after a silence that seemed to last forever. Regina's hand has now left his to play with imaginary lint on her skirt. Never has she felt so uncomfortable in her life.
"Orally and then during intercourse, I presume?" The therapist questions to which Robin nods and he jots a few notes down on his notepad. "Good. Regina?"
The brunette's head shoots up, she's tense and is really dreading her turn, yet here it is. "You want to know mine?" She questions, to clarify...and to stall time.
"Yes, please share." Dr Rocker insists and Regina takes a calming and shaky breath. God, she really shouldn't be this nervous, she was the evil queen for goodness sake, surely she can handle sex talk.
"Umm, our first time, I suppose." She states, "In my vault."
"Interesting, and why did you chose your first time, Regina?" Dr Rocker asks, his head tilted in curiosity.
Regina shrugs, playing with the wedding ring on her finger. "I don't know, we've had some enjoyable moments thereafter but that time was just... special." She replies feeling Robin's hand move to her knee and she glances over at him, giving him a weak but beautiful smile before looking back down and away.
"Because?" The therapist presses and Regina swears that if she were still in the enchanted forest she would've turned this man into a pile of ash by now.
"Because..." She exaggerates, "It was passionate, perfect, despite the imperfections and..." She takes a shuddering inhale, "Amazing."
"Robin," she breathed as he kissed back up her torso upon removing her of her panties. "We shouldn't.. Mmm." Her moan cut her off as his lips reached her breast. No more protesting. This was about them and only them, giving in to their desires for one another.
She could feel his erection brush against her inner thigh and her breath hitched, reaching down to grip his face and pull it up so its level with hers. "Take me." She commanded in a whisper, her eyes sparkling with arousal as her sex throbbed for the contact of his.
Regina hooked her ankles around the back of his knees, never has she wanted something so badly, never had she had so much desire for something until he was sinking into her. Everything forgotten at the feeling of him filling her to the brim.
"Now..." Regina continues, shaking her hair from her face as she takes a leap of uncertain confidence, "I think you know us well enough, Dr Rocker, so can we get down to what is going to help us repair our sex life?"
Dr rocker gives her a sly smile, "Oh I like you." He remarks to which Regina rolls her eyes at and Robin offers a light and quiet chuckle. The doctor places his notepad down and turns his full attention towards the couple. "What I tell all of my couples to try on the first session is a first date."
"We've been on many dates..." Robin protests but the therapist shakes his head.
"No, what I'm suggesting is that the two of you take a night to yourselves, you have kids?" Dr Rocker questions and the two nod, "Hire a baby sitter for the evening and go on a date, but not as husband and wife. You are to arrive at the restaurant and sit at the table as two people who have never met before; a first date."
Regina raises an eyebrow at the redhead, an absurd idea but something that could be quite interesting nonetheless. "Then what?" She asks.
"Then the male party, Robin, you offer the female party, Regina, to have a wild careless night back at his place. Rent a motel, I don't suggest you return to the home you share, you want this to be as new of an experience as possible for the both of you. You want it to seem somewhat real."
"We can do that, can't we?" Robin says, looking over at Regina and she simply nods.
"I suppose." She replies, although she isn't overly enthused by the idea despite her niggling interest for it, she has a lot of things going on at the moment and making time to have a whole evening off will mean a lot of hard work. But Robin is worth it.
"Good, do it sometime this week so we can discuss it at our next session." Dr Rocker suggests.
"We will. Thank you for your time." Robin replies politely before extending his hand to shake Dr Rocker's.
"It's a pleasure. Have fun, darlings." Dr Rocker replies and Regina can't help the small smirk that forms on her lips as she stands from the couch and presses down her skirt.
"We hope to." She says sassily, shaking his hand before Robin is leading them both out of the office and back to the car.
"That was hell." Regina deadpans as they head down the stairs and out of the door into the fresh air. She takes a deep breath as she recalls the meeting, relieved that she won't have to do that for another week- although the thought of going back there at all isn't something Regina is exactly looking forward to.
Robin gives a light chuckle, curling his arm around her waist. "I know, but we should try what he suggested, it will be fun."
"Mmm, I hope so." Regina replies before leaning up on her tip toes to plant a light kiss to her husband's lips, "I knew you loved it when I'm kinky." She whispers with a mischievous smirk, swatting at Robin's behind before stepping back and reaching into her purse, bleeping their car open.