a/n My internet went down for a week & my dvd drive broke, so this happened. It's a bit more 'current' & based on the show's goings on than I'd normally write, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. & I'm still writing Afloat too, thankyou for the reviews. X
Your Way. Part 1.
She walks through the automatic double doors for the first time in over a month, into a foyer that symbolises the very notion of normality for her. She's not expected back for a week. She's stepped straight off the plane, suitcase in tow. She's wearing bug-eyed sunglasses and is plugged into Mumford and Sons, just like it's any other day. Her face doesn't crack, not even when she spots Sasha out of the corner of her eye and ducks quickly into the lift, fearful of a bear hug. If he did that, you see, she's scared she'd cry.
oooo
"Jac Naylor is back. Now." Oliver's theatrical hiss towards the nurses station is met with a mixture of emotions from various staff members. Mo wants to know why, Tara drops the notes she's studying intently. Jonny is the rabbit in the headlights, whilst Elliot retreats quietly yet purposefully towards his office, pondering how he could obtain a hoover, fast.
oooo
"So have you spoken to her yet?" Mo's prying, incessantly.
"No. Has she even come out of her cave yet?" Jonny snaps spitefully. He doesn't mean it; About Jac at least, but he'd really rather his friend left him alone.
"Well, yeah, she's been all over Valentine like a rash."
"Well, fair do's, he's had a walk in the park with Prof Hope these last few weeks."
"Fair do's? You've changed your tune!"
"I was upset. We'd just broken up, Mo. I still respect her, you know that."
"You're barmy."
"Can we just, get on with our jobs?"
oooo
"So," Elliot breaks a silence that, to him, has become unfathomably awkward. "You're back early?"
"Yep."
"You.. didn't enjoy Japan?"
"Japan's a beautiful country. But to be honest, no. Did you know they currently have amongst the highest proportion of smokers in the world? Whole country will be riddled with emphesema in no time."
"I.. might have read that somewhere. Some article or, something. What about.. the food?" She gives him a withering glance that suggests he should know better, and declines him a spoken answer.
"How's the ward?"
"Oh, fine. Thankyou."
"I'm not trying to be polite, Elliot. Who performed the atrial valve replacement on Mr Wilson? I can't find his notes on the system."
oooo
Ollie dumps a stack of files on the Nurses' station so large it almost entirely obscures Tara from view. She peers over the top tentatively, increasingly grateful to have Elliot as a mentor.
"She finally cracked." He sighs heavily. "She's in there," he points to the office theatrically, "collating and organising her entire caseload. I mean, why? What's the point of doing that when you get back from leave? Would have been a hell of a lot more helpful before she left, now it's just a waste of my bloody time."
"Perhaps you should suggest that?" Tara smirks and he gives her a withering glare.
oooo
"Nurse Maconie." Elliot Hope addresses him suddenly as he walks across the ward with a pile of notes in hand, falling into step with him and making him nervous. Today doesn't need anymore unwarranted surprises from cardiothoracic consultants. "Would you mind popping into my office? Nothing to worry about, just something I'd like to talk about." He gets a sinking feeling in his gut as he dutifully follows his superior.
oooo
"Hold on," Mo cuts Tara short as she's mid sentence, regaling Ollie's woes from earlier. "Let me get this straight, is Jac Naylor leaving?"
"No I just, what do you mean?"
"Well, why's she back early, getting Valentine to help set her paperwork in order? She's not on the Theatre list all week. Out of all the surgeons in this building I've never known her go more than one shift without an op booked."
"She can't be, wouldn't we have heard by now? Hanssen, or something?"
"Not if she isn't going to work her notice."
"Why wouldn't she?"
"Because she wouldn't know loyalty if it slapped her in the face."
oooo
"Now," Elliot starts, "I suppose you know this is about Jac." Jonny's expression suggests quite the opposite. "I know that the pair of you have been close.."
"Not for some time." And none of your damn business, is what he'd like to say.
"Okay. But, you seem to have a way with words when it comes to Ms Naylor." Jonny wonders fleetingly where Elliot has imagined such a fallacy. "You may not realise it Jonny, but you do."
"Where's this going?"
"I suppose I was wondering if she's said anything to you."
"About what?"
"About, leaving?" Jonny is silent for a while, surprised by his palpable reaction to this news, his heart is pounding, and he's jolted into the reality of how scared he'd be to lose her. Mostly, he hates how much he still cares.
"She's leaving?"
"I don't know." Elliot replies neatly, after careful consideration.
"I don't understand. Wouldn't you know?"
"Not if Hanssen doesn't. Not if she plans of leaving us, somewhat, in the lurch." Jonny zones out of the conversation as Elliot begins to explain the sources of his concerns, the misconceptions he's appropriated. All Jonny really takes in is that he has to speak to Jac, he has to find out what's really going on.
oooo
It's only as he's standing in the empty lounge, spare key in hand, that it dawns on Jonny just how inappropriate it is to turn up unannounced at his ex-girlfriend's flat and not even have the decency to use the doorbell. He can hear the drum of the shower from her ensuite, and he wishes he was the sort of person who could just slink away, and pretend this never happened without feeling like a coward. The water shuts off suddenly, taking the decision out of his hands.
"Jac?" Silence. Then eventually the click of the bathroom door. "Jac?"
"What the hell are you doing in my flat?" She's dwarfed by an enormous fluffy towel, her hair loose and dripping down her back. He can't help but notice the exhaustion in her voice.
"I'm sorry. I'm worried about you. Rumours are flying around the place and, are you okay?" He cuts his explanation short as he notices how heavily she's leaning on her bedroom door, and lunges forward just in time to catch her as she sways.
"I'm fine." Her words are futile as she can't muster the strength to prise herself from his grasp, and reluctantly she lets him lead her to the sofa, stumbling and only serving to panic him more. "I'm just a bit faint, sorry but, I'm fine." She's annoyed at herself for apologising to him off guard.
"I'll get you some water." He says, but doesn't move his arms from their enveloping position around her shoulders. "I don't think you're fine." She closes her eyes and lets herself lean into his chest, already weary from the conversation they're about to have. He stiffens nervously, misreading her platonic move and not yet ready to be burned by her again. "There's rumours flying around like wildfire, Jac."
"But fortunately, you're above believing them? Oh, wait."
"I didn't say I believe the gossip, I just said I want the truth."
"What makes you think you're owed it? That it has anything to do with you?" Again, her tiredness is throwing her off, and she chastises herself for inadvertently revealing that there's something to reveal.
"I'm not. But, I'm here, aren't I?" He cranes his neck around to look at her properly, surprised to see tears starting to squeeze themselves from the corners of her closed eyes. She won't tell him how pathetic that makes her feel, that her ex is the only person who's there for her, but for a split second she does consider telling him the truth. "Come on Jac, you know everyone thinks you're about to up sticks and leave Holby without a word of warning. For Japan? If it is true, I think it's incredibly selfish."
"Incredibly in character then, don't you think?" When they were together, this kind of defensive comment would strike an understanding between them, then she'd feel grateful that she had somebody who could see through the mask.
"So, it's true?" His grip around her shoulders slackens, and it's all she can do to grab her towel back around her chest as he stands. She shrugs, unwilling to try and justify herself to him, unwilling to share the horrible thing that she really should share, with somebody.
oooo
It's 2am by the time Jac musters the effort, the willingness to drag herself up from the sofa. She's been sitting in the same position since Jonny left five hours ago, having long since dried off. Her hair feels thick and knotty, and she knows she'll have to wake up early to sort it out. She wonders if she'll get any sleep at all tonight. It takes two attempts for her to drag herself to her feet, and she's scared by how tight and painful her chest is as she makes it to her bedroom, groping for furniture to support her en route. She flops back onto the pillows, too exhausted to change or even reach for the bottle of codeine pills she's taken to keeping on her bedside table.
oooo
Jonny won't get much sleep tonight either. He feels uneasy, unable to get comfortable, unwilling to stop replaying the day's events in his head. He feels particularly guilty about walking out of Jac's flat when he did. The more he thinks about it, the more he realises he didn't listen to her at all. He starts to think there's more to it than her just leaving, starts to see the vulnerability that he couldn't when he was in her presence. The wounds from their split are still as raw for him, seeing her again, as they were the day she went to Japan. He knows that clouded his judgement earlier and now he can only hope she'll give him another chance to listen tomorrow. Above all else, he knows he can't let her walk out of his life.